Sacrificial Love...

It has been a very difficult few weeks. I finally had a normal two days off (woot!)... And then, I literally slept both days away. Friday I took a six hour nap, and then Friday night I went to bed at midnight, and woke up at noon on Saturday... with a 10 minutes break in the middle to take my puppy outside.. I felt SO much better, but was rather annoyed at how much time I had wasted.

However, if the sheer amount of time I spent sleeping is not a perfect indication of the level of exhaustion I was feeling, I am not sure what would be... Except for now, I have not been able to accomplish the things on my to-do list that I needed to. Dang it.

I came into this job knowing that it would be hard. I knew I was called to be here for such a time as this, and I was prepared; or so I thought. I realize that I often have the "I can handle it" type attitude towards most things, I also know that I am not often one to express the heartfelt emotions deep down. I mean, I will tell others how I feel, but I do not often actually allow the intimate close feelings to show... That is really vulnerable. So, for whatever reason I will talk about it without expressing it.

And then, I listened to my dad talking about a moment years ago when he was in the beginning stages of losing it as we learned that his mom (grandma) had died. He explained how he felt, and how things began to crumble... and he glanced sideways and saw 16 year old me as I lost it, and he instantly sealed his feelings and emotions away knowing I needed him. -- He said it took a couple months before the seal broke and he dealt with his own grief. But, I was amazed because I remember those few moments vividly; it has been almost 12 years since then.

Sometimes I think about that morning from time to time without much more than a faint recognition of the scar that once was; and yet somehow, when I was listening to my dad talk about how he felt, and how it impacted him so profoundly, but that I was more important, and that he saw my need of him... I cried. I did not cry due to my own pain from that morning, but because I realized how much, and how many times in my life that I have survived difficult situations because my mom and dad sealed away their feelings to support and love me through my difficult situations over their own.

In a way it makes so much sense how and why I am the way I am about pain and emotions. It helps me understand why in highly emotional situations I rarely fall apart, but it also shows why the pain and suffering of otheres impacts me so deeply... It was how I was raised. Loving others first and before my own pain and troubles is more important no matter what.

What an amazing expression of love that is neither deserved nor expected, and yet cherished more deeply than words can adequately express.

My parents are amazing people that I do not deserve, but am so thankful for.

What an intensely clear and perfect reminder as to why I am doing what I am doing, and why sleeping away two days in order to restore myself so that I can move forward to loves others for Christ is worth every minute.

Funny Memories...

I somehow was reminded tonight of one night a little over a year ago.. and since it literally makes me crack up laughing, even though I had totally forgotten about this, I thought I would share...

A group of my friends and I were at one of our houses, all crammed into the ridiculously small living room, and since there was not enough seating, I chose to lay on the floor on a VMI Hay (foam bedding) that we had pulled into the living room... One of my friends, who happened to own the hay I was laying on decided he wanted to lay on it as well since there was no open seating anywhere else. It is literally the width of a guy's typical shoulder width (so not very big). After a little while of scooting each other off the foam bedding and making completely ridiculous cases about why the other one should not get a claim to the bedding, we decided we would go halfsies and share.. only, true to my nature I cheated (HA!)... I laid on my side completely on the bedding and was able to face the tv without anything obstructing my view!... He was.. thrilled. LOL

What started out as our entire group (of maybe 6 of us) watching short Pixar movie after short Pixar movie.. everyone in the room slowly drifted off to sleep... except of course my friend and I laying on the floor.. CRACKING up over the little mini movies. Literally we laid there laughing our heads off for almost 2 hours.

Eventually, (I really cannot remember how) we ended up trying to see if he could do one of those airplane things that typically you do with kids (you know.. put them on your feet and "fly" them) haha.. Then, we had the brilliant idea to see how strong my stomach muscles were and if it would work for me to "Superman" on his feet.... That didn't last long. But, we did laugh hysterically for most of the evening.... As the entire room slept peacefully around us LOL!

I love my friends :)

Rock Climbing To Heaven...

So, last night a group of my friends, my little brother, and myself all went on a night hike. You hike about a mile, then cut across to these massive rocks/mini boulders, and climb about 3/5 of a mile (which seems like a ridiculous amount more when you're climbing instead of hiking). But, we split the 10 of us up into 4 groups because we only had 4 headlamps... Although, we discovered fairly quickly that it was actually easier without the light to cause dramatic shadows. We pretty much paired up according to desire to be adventurous in the climbing (the three super-athlete boys), height (the tall girls and the nugget girls ;), and then the height similar-boys.

My climbing partner and I decided fairly early on to operate with the light off... and it was one of the coolest things we could have done. While we were climbing we realized all of the similarities between what we were doing and our relationship with God... So, I thought I'd share with you a bit about our revelation...

As we were climbing, it became apparent very quickly you had to focus on what you were doing right now, watch your feet, look at the next step, hand hold etc..etc.. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Because it was dark, it was a whole lot harder to see what was coming... Obviously only God knows our futures.

When we would look down where we came, each time our response was "whoa!.. Look how far we've come!" And, then we would look up and go "dang, look how far we have to go!"... And then, you would actually focus on your goal and what we saw was breathtaking!... The Milkyway was bright and beautiful, and outshines the black silhouettes of the rocks we were climbing.. The majesty and the sheer size of what our goal was, was truly breathtaking! Even when we couldn't see everything, the mere shadows of what we were seeing we breathtaking, and every time we stopped to look around and take it all in we just kept saying "this is AMAZING!"

As we were climbing we started breathing harder and harder, and at points would just stop and converse about not being sure about making it the rest of the way.. PLUS back down.. and then we'd see how short it was to the top.. and lets be honest, you can't quit so close to the end!.. So, we would get re-energized and start once again... Only to not too long later have to encourage each other once again that we can make it and it is not as far or hard as it seems...

On our way back down it was ridiculously slow moving for us because we were tired, our leg muscles were fatigued, and our knees were unstable, our shoulders were getting more work than we realized on the way up... and lets be honest.. it's a mile in a half of climbing!... In the dark!

We had an absolute blast.. worked and sweated in gross amounts.. but it was worth it and the memories are so fun from it! I'd do it all over, scrapes and bruises and all...

The place we went hiking is called Devil's Marbleyard... And yet our goal was to reach the Heavens... Ironic when you think of it :)