Oh to Be Single...

So, while I have days where I am more than annoyed at the single life.. Lately I have had a few instances where the humor in being single is almost worth all the frustrations!... Here are a few tid bits of wisdom for those hoping to gain some insight into the single girl...

(These answers are meant with humor and a tad bit of sarcasm)

Do not ask a single girl "why" she is still single, this may result in many ridiculous responses or a slap across the face. The question is really akin to asking a single girl "what is wrong with you" and trust me... She will respond appropriately, likely with sarcasm..

Do not tell a single girl you "understand" why she's single.. Please see the previous paragraph for her likely responses.

If you want to make a single girl feel pathetic, tell her you feel sorry for her still being single, that is not helpful nor will it make her feel better... Plus, what will you do if she cries?.. Feel like a jerk.

Telling a single girl that her "prince charming is out there somewhere" only makes her want to kill the makers of every Disney princess movie ever created. Especially if she thinks "prince charming" tends to be a sort of boring fellow in fairy tales...

Explaining that a single girl's "dominant" personality might have something to do with "it".. is like claiming she's single cause she has brown eyes... It makes no sense, and only proves that you also have no idea why she is still single.... other than the obvious fact that she has not gotten married yet.

Just because a girl is single does equate her also being lonely.. It makes her.. single, that is all. Do not assume one inherently means the other anymore than getting married solves all your problems.

Single girls really can (believe it or not) just be friends with guys (single or married). IF she has had the "could I see myself with him?" thought about a single guy, that does not mean she ceases to be "just friends," it means she's realistic and not shallow...

...If the single girl has not wondered if she and a single guy would work together, that does not inherently mean she is being shallow, she likely knows herself well enough to know whether they would work well together. Both scenarios are good things.

Believe it or not, high standards is actually a good thing (for guys and girls). Do not try to convince the single girl otherwise... Her dad won't appreciate it.

Telling a single girl to "enjoy" being single while she can, is like telling someone to enjoy their freedom before they are sent to prison... Aka... You have just indicated that you feel like a prisoner, and she will feel sorry for you and your marriage.

To be continued...

Feel free to add... ;)

DC Weekend...

I feel like this weekend was the epitome of a weekend in DC.. Or maybe, a classic weekend for me in DC.

I went out Friday night with a couple girlfriends to a new place we had never been to, which really is one of the best things about living in DC, there is always a place you have never been to that is great for trying new foods and drinks. We chatted, laughed.. at one point I even shushed the loud room cause I was having a difficult time talking over the crowd haha Then I went with my friend to see the new Underworld (good movie!)... Only to walk outside after the movie was over and discover snow.. and lots of it.

Now, I realize at this point it is three weeks into January, and we have had an incredibly mild winter so far (thank you Jesus.. really!), but regardless, I really hate snow. I hate driving in it (although I do now that I am an adult), I hate walking in it (it snows down your neck or gets your feet cold and wet)... although it is REALLY pretty while it is falling, I still hate the coldness of it. However, I am extremely thankful that I grew up in Michigan where snow and winter go together like peanut butter and jelly because I know how to drive in it. Which, Friday night was what made the difference between me making it up the hill or me having to push my car or get stuck... Thankfully I know how to drive in snow, and slid, slipped, and INCHED my way up a 40 foot hill (while FLOORING it and fishtailing).

Saturday I was able to sleep in (YESS!!), then have lunch with a friend that I have not been able to see in a while, catch up on life, and just enjoy each other's friendship... I then made my way into the city, parked my butt in a Starbucks (classic city passtime), read my bible and texted with my little sister killing time before my hair appointment...

Got my "hair did" haha and loove it :)

Then went BACK to Starbucks to meet up with and hang out with a friend. Once we both split from there, I met up with a couple friends and we went out dancing (not salsa sadly)... And, we ended up leaving with several very funny stories of guys trying to dance with us (sometimes repeatedly), and very sore feet (not from kicking anyone either haha).

Sundays are always my favorite though... Mainly because I love my church (I say it every week), but also because it is when I fill my randomness in.. work, school, laundry, napping, gym time, cooking, it's the day that I find easiest to actually let my mind process and work through things.

Tomorrow starts Backswanza!.. Aka my 27th birthday week, I am pretty excited (cause I love birthdays) and this year I am doing something different for my birthday... Please help me raise money for my Charity:Water campaign! I am trying to raise $2,727 to bring 27 families (137 people) clean drinking water!

Modesty Talks...

One of my brother's friends posted the article Is Modest Really Hottest? from Relevant Magazine and basically asked for comments and thoughts. It sparked quite an interesting discussion, but true to form, I have more to say than what will fit on a facebook wall comment box.

So, I thought I would expound on my thoughts here.

First, let me start with, Matthew Paul Turner the author of the article did one of the better jobs that I have ever seen in terms of addressing the spirit of the debate, and highlighting an area or two that are inherently flawed in the modesty debate as it stands in the Christian culture right now. When I first clicked the link I was already mentally preparing to be frustrated with what the article was about to tell me, and I was gearing up my arguments and defenses about what is wrong with the current state of the debate about modesty. However, surprisingly (and thankfully) I found none of the typical answers or comments I was expecting. I was impressed (and humbled) by the lack of finger pointing to the female population; which I am fairly certain is a first for me in regards to the modesty discussion.. or debate.. or argument to date.

At this point, I am going to divert my thoughts from the article itself to the discussion about modesty as a whole. I see some serious flaws with the debate as it stands right now. I am fairly certain I have heard all of the reasons and debates behind "modest is hottest" and as a general rule I agree, but I vehemently disagree with the way in which it is expected to be carried out by the female population. Let us just start with some logic in this debate...

Since I am a Christian single woman who would like to some day get married... let's say I decide I am going to do everything possible to help my Christian "brothers" out in the lust department. I think this is a noble thing, but the problem is which brother am I helping?.. The one that is my elder? The new Christian brother that is still trying to disentangle himself from his past? The non-Christian but seeking brother? The solid brother who is married but easily distractable from his wife? The brother who is a solid Christian and single?.. And, my overarching question, "How do I know if I have succeeded?" Who will tell me when I have done a good job or failed with an outfit? Am I really subject every single day to other men's ideas of whether I am successfully modest? Which man's opinion do I pay attention to? So, you see, before I even getting into the culture or region element of the debate, I already am having problems defining who my target audience is and the litmus test by which I will know success. The inherent problem with "helping my Christian brother" is each man has a dramatically different perspective of what modest is!

How does region and culture play a role? It is a fairly well known fact that the further south (or closer to the Equator) you get the less clothing is worn. Purely from a practical standpoint, it is just too hot in Florida to wear the same clothing that is a necessity in Alaska. And, from an economical stand point, standard clothing in the US (say bras for example) are not seen in the African countries (Ghana, Swaziland, and South Africa) I have been to. So, I am sure an argument can be made with the "when in Rome...." perspective, but the problem is, that still leaves modesty in the eye of the beholder.. region.. culture.. etc.. A never ending moving target dictated by an ambiguous definition.

However, each of these two vantage points removes responsibility from both players. Men are removed because they have no accountability in their own actions in regards to women and modesty. But, women are removed because it turns into what they should or should not do based off of a moving target. Neither perspective takes the heart into account at all; which is really where my trouble with the modesty debate as it stands right now lies.

No female will ever be able to be completely modest. Ever. Which means, we have been set up to fail.. and our hearts are keenly aware of this fact. Deep down we know that our moving ambiguous target of being "modest" to help our "brothers in Christ" is a battle we are doomed to fail because, men cannot even agree on what is modest.. or hottest. Some men are attracted to hair, eyes, legs, butts, chests, stomachs or some combination there in. So, the debate quickly becomes an "in the eye of the beholder" debate over personal preference.

Basically women can wear a mu-mu and still be found attractive.

One of the things that I appreciated the most about the article is it points out how one sided the debate has been to date. Men are essentially free from responsibility. Thank you Matthew Paul Turner for finally pointing out this flaw.

I would like to point out that it is incredibly disturbing from a woman's perspective that we are held to the standards of each individual man, most of which we have little or no contact with ever. How can I possibly be held to the standards of a man I may never interact with? That is not biblical at all. In fact, I think now is a perfect time to loop the Bible into this debate...

"The LORD saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time." - Genesis 6:5 - We cannot do it alone, our only hope is the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ.

" Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent." - Psalm 4:4 - How is that for an action item of what to do when you lust?!

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil" - Proverbs 4:23-27 - Again, this requires each person to take responsibility for their own actions.. including lust.

Talk about loving your neighbor in regards to the way modesty is approached: 
"Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up." - Proverbs 12:25

And finally, "My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." - Colossians 2:2-3

I cannot find anywhere in the Bible where our hearts and actions are held against someone else for the role they unknowing  played in our struggle. The Bible is full of taking responsibility for our own actions. We will stand before the Lord for our OWN heart's intent, and if we believe Christ, He will as He has already done, take our sin on Himself and pay the price. We cannot blame someone else for our own heart and eyes lusting or struggling.

The entire modesty debate is 

really a way of diverting our own responsibility by pointing to someone else 

and demanding they take responsibility because of 

our own rights to wear what we want 

or our struggles to look away...

Modesty is a two part dance, each partner has their role to play. Girls (I) must check the heart's intentions, actions, and reactions. That is our role in the dance.
Guys must do the same, but it is crucial to point out, girls are not involved in the guy's role, we cannot do it for them, and we are not held responsible for their part of the dance; and vice verse.
The entire issue of modesty is just like every other element of life, it is between each individual and Christ.

Girl Time...

I have never been one for "girl time" in high school the overwhelming majority of my friends were guys, and only in college did the scale tend towards evening out. However, I still avoided "girl nights" most of the time.. I dislike bridal showers, baby showers, and I would rather stick a needle in my eye then play shower games and watch a soon to be bride open embarrassing items. In fact, one time in college I escaped a girls night... and when they came looking for me, I hid.. I was NOT a fan.

*** Disclaimer*** Understand, I do not mean for this idea of "Girl time" to be confused with one on one time with girl friends.. I am specifically referring to a mass number of girls together... with no purpose but to... be stupid girls.***

So, what's the problem?.. Girls. Especially mass quantities of girls. I go nuts when girls become a gangling group of gossips (like that?)... I mean seriously, think about it... groups of girls get together and they gossip... spread and share their emotions and craziness with each other. Ew. Who wants to be around that?! It is not fun. Torture... like water-boarding.. maybe.

However, within the last year or two I have discovered how much I enjoy hanging out with mature, loving, inspiring, engaging, Christian women.. who TRY to glorify the Lord. You know, the ones that spend time trying to lift you up and encourage you... Are real and portray no ounce of fake... The ones that you LOVE being around them because they lighten the room, they bring class and a sense of humor with them all the time.. The special ones that when you talk to them, they see you, they love you, and the focus on you as though you are the most important thing in the world to them. Aka.. The ones who love the Lord, and it shows.

Time with my girl friends from Lynchburg, I am pretty sure can cure any ailment.. and today I discovered a group of women who make me laugh.. they are encouraging, entertaining, exciting, (I don't think I can keep up with the e's....), but more than anything, all discussions were.. normal. I mean we talked girl things.. like weddings, and fashion... sales etc.. but, there was plenty of normal conversation, intellectual talks, and lots of humor. We had food and made crafts, it was a lot of fun. It was needed, and it was great to laugh. Specifically one of the women I gravitated towards right away was full of energy, she's a wife to a pastor, and a mother to a 2 year old and she was hysterical.. so very real (the type that is crazy beautiful and loving!). She is from GA, and she has such a passion for life.. whatever that brings, but is quick to point out how amazed she is by others qualities and choices. She was such a breath of fresh air.

I love how faithful God is, and how He provides exactly what you need RIGHT when you need it...

Like my BFF who called last night "just because" and some how ALWAYS manages to get me to laugh and smile. She is the perfect combination of beauty, humor, grace, class, optimism, and she does all of these things authentically and is able to use these things to encourage me in a way that does not make me more aggravated. She just gets me and I love it!

My cousin who made the time to ask me why I was upset.. then proceeded to listen to me vent about all the ridiculous things that were bothering me.. With a solution of "all you need is time with me.." oh how right she is!

The roomie who has somehow positioned herself not as best friend, but as my sister... the one that chooses to live with my crazy things, loves me anyway.. and somewhere along the way SHE became where home is... She knows everything, but instead of acquiring the title of best friend attained sister.. And, for anyone who is close to their sisters (like I am) you realize how much you need them in your life.. every day. She somehow manages to make me laugh when I'm PISSED at homework by pointing out how she couldn't possibly buy those shoes cause they are "sexy and stylish" ... and clearly she's "none of those things..." HAHA!

The best friend that puts up with my randomness.. (and even claims to enjoy it!).. Voluntarily joins me in stressful situations, defuses it with humor... and stalks me with pictures. Helps me process like crazy, and never judges me for any thought I have... instead helps me come back to reality and remember what's important.... And, has probably sat in a car with me more than anyone else in my life! Ha! 

The roomie who makes me food and listens to me complain a RIDICULOUS amount about the homework instead of sucking it up.. and she so graciously listens and patiently puts up with my overly dramatic reactions to life.. Then passes me a brownie and makes my life better.

The one that patiently taught me to dance.. and makes sure to touch base with me a couple times a week... Is insanely encouraging and uplifting. Seeks my thoughts and opinions and listens to my over reactions to things.. that I claim is just how I feel.. when everyone knows it is an over reaction... Who pursues my friendship for the sole purpose of being my friend... no agenda, just.. be around me.

The endless number of girl friends that comment on my pictures, blogs, status updates.. and send nothing but encouragement and humor. The ones who seek me out because they love me.. and that is all... Gosh am I so blessed, and how different the sheer quality AND quantity of women God has placed in my life...

So, as I get older and God graces me with amazing women in my life... Girl time has become less torturous and more enjoyable and loved. haha.. how funny!

Transparent Weakness...

So, I was talking with one of my roomies via some form of online chat... (we don't often get to be at home at the same time so we resort to technology to stay connected lol) And, she asked me how my "such a girl" thing was coming, so we began talking about it and the things I was sure about and the things I am not so sure about. For example, I am sure I love being a girl haha.. simple, easy, no doubts.. I would never want to be a boy (whew!). I am so thankful I was created tall, athletic, loud (sorry if anyone finds it obnoxious), an infectious laughter, animated, capable, strong willed, determined, etc..etc.. (the list is rather long when I think about it).

But, what about the things I dislike? Once we were talking about it, the thing I hate is pretty simply when I am lumped in with the general populous (especially of girls) in a negative way. I find myself going the extra mile to make sure I am set apart, unique, different.. whatever word you want to give to it, I dislike it when some other girl's shortcomings are lumped onto me and assumed I have the same problems. But, lets be honest, we all do it.. and I know I do it, especially if someone reminds me of someone else either in they way they look or mannerisms. Somehow I associate the two as the same and treat them unfairly due to the downfalls of someone else... I mean obviously this can work the other way around too, and we can think better of someone, or connect with them quicker because of someone else in our life who is a person of significance to us.

So.. Here it is, my biggest issue is, when I am seen as weak, unable, unequal, etc.. etc.. The weird thing is I have no problems sitting before my Savior and pouring out my weakness, asking Him to help me, save me, heal me, restore me, carry me, etc..etc.. no problems admitting those things to Him... In my mind.. In my prayers.. when no one else has to know. Granted, there are a certain number of people that I am totally ok being "not ok" with. My family and several friends, I am ok being weak around because I know from experience it does not lower their view of me or cause them to start treating me as less than capable. I have also come to the point that I will admit when things are bad or not going well if asked, but I do not often volunteer that information... but at least I have grown enough to realize lying about it is entirely the WRONG approach to the situation. I have gotten to the place in my life where I realize I need to be transparent and allow those around me to see the imperfection that is my life on its own, and then see the redemption that is my life when Christ steps in and saves me and fixes things. I have become much more intentional in this area simply for the reason that I do not want to push people away from me or from Jesus because I have pretended to have it all together. I no longer expect people to reciprocate (although I never complain if they do :)

In all honesty.. my transparency is totally intentional.. and totally on my own terms. I can think of times that I did not listen to the pull at my heart to share and connect with someone when they needed me to.. And, I can think of times that I felt I should share and didn't because I didn't know for SURE the person needed to hear me say something.. :/ Sad day.

With this revelation, I still hate being seen as weak and unable. But, now I am starting to realize that this is not my place to determine. I AM weak and unable far more often than I let on... and it is not my place to decide how those around me take it. My hope and prayer, truly from the very core of who I am is, that in all of this I can be a graceful mix of weak and unable, yet strong and capable because of my Savior's role in my life, and that it will be evident that that is all that makes the difference.

When people look at me, I want them to see grace and beauty. I want them to see the me that Jesus created... but only because He is so ridiculously evident in every fiber of my life that it is apparent He is the only reason I am who I am. I want people to be able to see who I am despite who I am... if that makes any sense at all. I mean I want them to truly get it when they see me... temper and all.. I want them to see who I could be, but am not because Jesus has decided to make me and grow me into so much more.

I don't really know what that looks like right now... And, that is ok. I don't need to know until it is time to know...

Such a Girl...

So, here's the thing.. Obviously I am a girl.. but I HATE when people say, "You're such a girl" .. Even the people I know who are saying it with truly nice intentions. I seriously dislike it... Mainly because, somewhere along the way it got conveyed that being told "You're such a girl" was sort of derogatory, and it was meant in a less than positive light... it somehow means that I am not as good, too much to handle, emotional, and obviously not as perfect as a boy, somehow I am found lacking. I do not have a clue where this understanding came from.. lots of small comments here and there probably.. from both guys and girls...

Growing up, I have always known I hated being compared to the general girl population at large.. I try to set myself apart from them in an effort to "make up" for the retardedness that, lets be honest, IS us girls (especially as a whole). Part of that feeling of needing to make up for girls comes from my tomboy side, where if the boys could do it, so could I. I always have strived to be either better or at the very least equal to them. Whatever I was striving for, it all centered around not being weak. I think that is one of the reasons I enjoy the Martial Arts so much... I have to do things differently (to make up for my lack of strength), but I was always comparable to the boys in technique, speed, timing, strength, agility, etc.. etc..

And, like always, somewhere along the way God started changing my heart. Somewhere along the way I realized my role to play is not the same as the guys... I started acknowledging my desire to be found beautiful.. not just skillful or capable. At some point I realized, I truly love being a girl.. but, it still seems like it is not a good thing to be a girl.. or a typical girl. And yet, if you ask anyone they would NEVER admit that... unless, they had to deal with an emotional, bi-polar, high-maintenance, needy, weak, girl.. then suddenly she becomes "such a girl" again. I can honestly say I am not sure I have ever heard that saying in a positive light. Somehow, it always carry's negative connotations.

In the ever present Jesus trying to mold me and shape me, my views tend to never stay exactly where they are for very long. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that every single day I ask God to make me into the person He wants me to be. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that I tell Him to use me and send me wherever He wants to.. I dunno.. either way, He is constantly moving, molding, growing, and stretching me... Constantly. No joke.

So, last night I was talking to one of my best friends.. I love talking with this friend about growing and molding things that God is doing because he always has such a unique perspective that is totally grounded in Scripture, makes sense and always makes me think. Even if I do not adopt all of his views or perspectives, he always gets my mind mulling over the topic.. Which I love...

Anyway, we were talking and our conversation got around to a particular guy in my past who whether intentionally or inadvertently caused a ridiculous amount of pain, self loathing, hurt, destruction, insecurities, etc..etc.. in my life. It took me 6 months to recover, and in that time God did a lot.. and honestly He pretty much held me together cause I could not handle any sort of attacks on my heart during that time. I was ridiculously fragile, and He so lovingly knew that and protected me while healing me and piecing me back together better and stronger..

In the course of the conversation I was explaining how everything went down, and how destructive it was on my heart. He so carefully listened and processed, and asked a couple questions, then asked why I thought it had caused so many problems. So, I began explaining the whys behind the story itself.. basically, it was because I made a conscious decision to allow this boy to pursue me, I decided that even though there were obvious challenges because of his honesty it would work, that I needed to seriously work on and learn how to be supportive and submissive, a little more dependent than I had been in the past, and I needed to learn how to be BE pursued. So, I did. I began actively doing things to make myself learn, all the while being scared, but knowing I needed to learn how to do this. And, then in the end for whatever reason in a 30 minute conversation where we were trying to work a couple things out.. he tore me apart. Everything I was trying to learn and do, and the various ways I was trying to grow he shredded to pieces. He somehow attacked my insecurities and planted seeds of doubt into the things I was confident in. Satan had a heyday with this and knew it. Satan KNEW exactly where to hit me and how hard to hit me... I literally was not expecting it, and it blind sided me. My armor was down because I chose for it to be.. and it about killed me from the inside out. I have never loathed myself so much. To this day it literally pains me to remember this whole thing, and how much havoc Satan was able to accomplish inside my heart.

My friend thought for a moment, and summed it all up saying basically I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable and he tore it apart instead of taking care of that.. Which, is pretty much exactly what happened... I explained a few more details and thoughts..

Then, my friend lovingly smiled and said "You're such a girl." ........... What?!... I knew he did not intend it in any harmful way or in a negative light.. but I honestly could not think of a positive way he could mean a statement like that. So, I began pushing for an explanation for why he would say that. At which point a couple things became clear...

1. I dislike being weak, and being told I'm a girl assumes a weakness I despise.
II. His meaning for saying what he said, and my understanding.. NOT the same.. not even close...
Tres. In an effort to "make up" for all the other crazy girls in the world certain aspects of being a girl I have decided are not good.
Four. I seriously need to take a closer look at the things I dislike, and even the things I do like, and put them to the test in the Bible.

Soo.. With all that said.. Here I go. In the next little while, I will be detailing out where God is growing, moving, asking me to let go, things I need to realize, hang onto etc.. etc.. All in an effort to.. well, grow and become more of the GIRL my sweet Savior wants me to be....

Ugh, why do I feel like this is going to be a ridiculous challenge?.. A positive? I am doing this with another girlfriend... We shall see where God leads us.

Little Light Bulbs...

I'm in the process of creating a "class" aka "bible study" aka "girls small group" for whatever girls decide to join at work. It's for my beautiful teen girls, and the basics of it revolve around purity. Purity in thought and actions, and my goal is to help them understand truly what they are doing to themselves when they make certain choices or allow themselves to think in certain ways.

In an attempt to help me I went to the store and looked through easily 100 books trying to find things that would give me words to tell them... I found a bunch, but settled on 2 for now. "Lies Young Women Believe: and The Truth That Sets Them Free" and "Wait For Me." I've just begun going through them, but I just thought I'd post the beginning and we'll sorta see where this leads to as I progress through these books in the next month preparing for this class for these precious girls.

My hope is that not only can I reach them and cause a little light bulb to go on in their minds, but also to find my sweet Jesus more in the midst of this. I truly hope that regardless of their pasts they can see how much value they truly have, and that they will choose that value instead of acting on the lies Satan tells them.

I pray little light bulbs go off in their minds and hearts as we spend Summer Monday's doing this. :) Please remember them in your prayers.