Not Feeling It...

Today is just one of those days that I just don't FEEL like having a pleasant response to people.. I don't WANT to be nice, and I certainly don't care to deal with stupid little things.. I don't want to CHOOSE a good attitude.

What do I do with days like today?... Nothing. They are what they are...

So, instead I respond appropriately REGARDLESS of how I feel.. and hope that tomorrow will be better... but since I have a decent idea of what tomorrow will be like.. or more appropriately of how I am going to feel tomorrow, I'm really holding out for Thursday. Thursday the plan is work.. then head to the hospital to sit next to a friend/cousin (Paul) who will have spent all day Wednesday in surgery or preparing for surgery.. Even if he is not awake, I am really excited just to go and make sure he is ok... Which means do nothing but be there and see him really...

The update on Paul is that he is back stateside, but has yet to have the bullet removed from his neck (I have no idea what they are waiting for).. But, he is talking, and even posting on Facebook! (Praise the Lord) I really hope it works out to see him Thursday, it would be a welcome change... and nice to see a familiar face.

This too shall pass.

Never Forget...

I have had such a great weekend so far... It has included dancing, lots and lots of laughter, turning around a dozen times in DC while making only a 20 minute drive, good food, wonderful friends, and again more laughter. I simply cannot thank God enough for the things He has given me that I know I do not deserve. However, in the midst of all the genuine goodness, several very good and pointed conversations reminded me how much pain I am surrounded by every day...

To start, my roomie is hurting because of a situation she cannot change, she is grieving and hurting for those around her. I love her heart, and wish I could make it better... take away the pain.. offer some sort of comforting words of wisdom, but instead I cannot change the situation anymore then she can... These are the moments we learn the most, and these are the times when we realize how much we need our personal relationship with our Savior every single day. These moments sear into our hearts how fragile people are, and how important it is to live out exactly what we are told to by God... Love Him, Love others.

Sometimes life is just hard... for no reason at all. I hate Satan.

I got to talk to a really good friend from the couple of years I worked at camp this weekend, we tend to talk every so often, usually just catching each other up and literally hearing what God is doing or the things we are facing in our lives. There are so many times that once I get off the phone I am just blown away by how much God speaks to me through this friend. The no crap truth that they speak, the fact that they hear what I say, and then ask what I am truly thinking or feeling... and then they turn right around and are just as open and honest, and allow me to be the same type of friend for them... I truly treasure this friend, more then I think they have any idea of.

Tonight, I was talking with two of my best friends here, and I was so quickly reminded how much my heart breaks for certain people... No, actually my heart pretty much breaks for everyone at one point or another, sometimes it comes and goes, and other times it feels suffocating. Tonight, I was reminded how lost some people are... My heart literally hurts. Ever since going to Ghana in November of '08, there are just certain types of pain and hurt that when I am made aware of it in someone else's life, my heart physically hurts... Tonight is one of those nights. I can do absolutely nothing to fix the problem, and as much as I want to, I cannot force someone to see the error of their ways or how they are perpetuating the problem. The basic problem is, they just simply cannot understand certain facts about our God that I so ignorantly take for granted every single day. Sometimes, I just wish I could shake the people and yell at them "CAN'T YOU SEE HOW EASY THIS COULD BE?!"... And then, my Lord quietly reminds me that, it is not my job, nor my place to fix them... it is His, and He is in fact perfectly capable of taking care of things... and yes, His heart breaks for them too.

Tonight I caught myself thinking "I hate how much I care..." and then I instantly was reminded (in my own mind of course) "... You prayed for this..." and my only rebuttal was stupid and like a little child "yeah, but I just didn't think it would hurt this much..."

I am double minded sometimes, and I know that fact about myself. I want to spend every day loving those around me, making them feel important and cared for... That task manifests itself differently depending on who it is I am engaging with, but the purpose and heart behind my goal is the same. Then I will turn right around and get so frustrated because I do not want to hurt or feel the pain I feel when I watch those around me hurt... or even when I hear a story of someone else's pain. I am reminded almost daily of the fact that I am SO thankful I am not God and do not know it all.. or have the responsibility to fix it all... even when I want to.

Tonight I realized, I am never going to be able to forget this pain and ache I feel when I watch those around me deal with pain... regardless of the cause, it is real to them, and I cannot fix it. My heart hurts so much it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes... and that drives me to do the only thing I know for sure... Prayer.

New...

For the first time in more than 8 months I finally feel normal. Not because of a drug, alcohol, a boy, or anything tangible... I just feel like myself again. Laughing comes easily once more, and energy is not something I merely remember having a lot of.

My schedule is about to explode again (which I love), all my best friends are back to work (they are all teachers), and several of them are either taking college classes or teaching college classes, and then there is my wonderful roomie who works at night... My classes start on the 2nd, and then of course there's all the normal trying to fit time in for people, which I feel like will be doing a lot of inviting people over to hang out or to join me somewhere with wifi...

My roomie has finally returned to me for good, no more galavanting around the country... After this last stint I told her she is never allowed to leave me for that long again (almost a month!). I love having her home... even if we just sit on opposite ends of the awesome couch she bought with our dog between us and watch a movie on a lazy Sunday afternoon... I love it... We laugh a lot, and have more inside jokes then I can count.. we recite one liners from movies constantly, and we purposefully seek to do things for one another all the time. She has no idea how much living with her makes me feel like I belong, like I have a place that is my home, and that my mood at home does not effect how much she loves me and will try to take care of me.. She's wonderful, and I am not really looking forward to her disappearance in the evenings due to work... so we have decided on a plan of dinners at her work, and probably more than my fair share of sitting at her games (probably doing homework) just so I can be around and see her more than Sunday mornings haha

Even though the start of a new school year means THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of college students who do not know how to drive once again are taking up space on the roads and parking lots.. I really do look forward to the new school year each fall, because for whatever reason I seem to work off a fiscal year better than a calendar year haha! I am looking forward to the bonfires, dinners, sweatshirts, and the mass amounts of laughter from the ridiculousness that is my wonderful friends and their antics and one liners :)

I love that from this point in my life I can look both backwards and forwards and see God moving, I can see His hand in every aspect of my life, holding me when I was too broken to keep going, cheering when I made the right choice, I can feel His arms around me as I was hurt and cried more times then I can ever remember crying before, and I can feel His encouragement when I was so frustrated at Him that I had to choose things I knew were right instead of what I wanted. I can see how patient my Lord was when I was angry and let Him know exactly how I was feeling. But, more than any of it... I can see His faithfulness.. Even through all the suck that was this year, I can see how much stronger I am, how much more I have written Him into the fibers of my heart, and I can see all the people He placed around me to care for me... the moments when I did not even know I needed something suddenly I had exactly what I needed to keep going. Even when I was being a brat and really did not deserve it my sweet Savior was there taking care of me unconditionally. I have been through a lot this year, but never once have I felt like God left me hanging to dry, I felt Him with me every step, even when I was so angry at Him and this plan that seemed to contain nothing but one crappy thing after another... He was still there.. ever faithful.

I would do every bit of it again knowing the painful outcome, and the work it would take to come out hopefully being found faithful on the other side.... Only to know that the hard times will come again at some point.

Tonight was the first night in a really long time that I just felt normal.. like laughing just came naturally, that I was surrounded by people who love me, and that I will be ok, and in fact things will be awesome because I am not controlling my future!

Trusting the Larger Story...

I went down to Atlanta last weekend to visit my best friend from home (who has obviously now relocated). We have not been able to see each other since before Thanksgiving, and while we talk multiple times a week (via text, phone conversation or video chat), it is never the same as sitting next to each other talking about whatever happens to pop into our heads as a good topic to discuss... And then seeing each other's reaction.

My friend has such a wonderful perspective on life, and we always joke about feeling cooler, prettier, funnier, and just overall more confident when we are together.. "with our powers combined..." ;)

Anyway, we joked all weekend about the fact that we have totally reversed roles.. Last year she drove 12 hours to come see and spend a week with me while she had back problems, family issues, work stresses, various frustrations, and struggles of seeing God's plan.. We spent that week laughing and doing random things (like having a peanutbutter, whipped topping, and oreo cookie fight in my livingroom), and mostly just loved being together and hanging out.. We talked and laughed a LOT that week.

This year, I am the one who drove 7 hours (with traffic.. and it definitely was NOT 12..haha), I also have back problems, work stresses, and various other frustrations, and struggling to see God's plan. This year we spent the weekend laughing, doing random things (like convincing me I actually am thinner than I think and can fit into a smaller size jeans then I have since I was 13!!), and once again we mostly just loved being together and hanging out.. and of course talked and laughed a LOT. This time around we included her fiance!

One of the conversations we had, she mentioned that even though she went through a rough year and things were incredibly difficult... And, even though I felt helpless to change anything, she commented on the fact that she needed to go through those things so she could learn how to trust God. Trust God in a very large way, in a small way, but mostly trust that he is good. That our Lord loves her and that even though she did not really understand what was going on or why, she had to learn to be content in her trust of Him.

Not a big conversation, nothing I have not heard before, and certainly not something I have not thought about recently... But, then I got a forwarded email from my uncle that receives the Ransomed Heart ministry daily devotionals... And, one particular one's title was "The Questions Lodged Deep in our Hearts" It pointed out that while we "know" God means good for us, we begin to struggle when life over and over seems to have failed us, and that slowly we begin building questions deep down inside without realizing it.. Questions like "Why did you allow things to happen like this?" "Why did you make me like this?" "What will you allow to happen next?" ... "Do you REALLY care for me, God?"

At first I read that and I thought "hmm.. that's odd..." and then it was like something clicked inside of my heart.. head.. somewhere. I trust and have faith in my God.. but I still often act like deep down I am so wounded that I will just approach the future as though I have no option but to "suck it up" "get over it" ... instead of with a peace and grace that can only come if I truly, honestly, and passionately seek my Savior.. And, then allow him to move me forward, while also moving IN me, and then asking and accepting the constant renewal of the Krista I am supposed to be. Not in the totally controlled and manipulated way, but in a rolling with the waves and finding joy in them.

I love my Savior with more words and with more passion and feelings then I can really express. But, I realized this week I am wounded and expecting life to move on with or without me.. So, my only option is to suck it up and accept it, and continue marching onward right?.. No, that attitude leaves no room for peace and grace to overcome me, nor does it leave room for joy to find its way back into every facet of my life.

I realize things have been awful in my life over the last while, but I also know that I really honestly DO trust the larger story that I am a part of. I know without any doubts that in the end, it will all be worth everything, and I know I would gladly do it all over again. So, while the pain is now.. the joy is coming, and the larger story is really an incredible adventure that I get the chance to go through and experience.