Heart Check...

A little over four years ago, just before I moved to VA, I started this blog with one basic purpose, to give a place where my family back home would get to read about what was going on in my head and connect with my heart. I wanted a place for them to be able to "hear" things differently.

A lot has happened in four years... and I am certainly not even close to the same person I was then, but almost 700 posts later, a significantly larger readership, and an amazing chronicling of the story, I believe there is still value in using this blog to share my heart with whoever stumbles upon my post or visits regularly.
I still firmly believe it does my heart good, and the heart of those reading to hear total and completely honest things that are simmering or exploding out of me.
I still think it is important for people to be able to read the progression as I process through things.
Above all, it is imperative for people to see how God works in my life.

So, what is my heart check lately?

Ugh, so many things...

Part of me is in pure function mode. I do not know what to do with all the emotions, so I have resorted to function mode to get me through the chaotic things that always seem to usher in crazy emotions.

I am more than a little frustrated at the fact that I am not sleeping well, and still waking up a dozen times a night for random sounds I am not used to...

Sometimes I am so beyond excited and overjoyed that I am doing what I love. How did I get so lucky?.. God has given me my sweet spot job, and I am blown away... And then that makes me realize that I love my job.. what if I mess up? what if I cannot do it? what if... (fill in the blank).. And then I remember that God has sent me because I said years ago "here I am send me."

I am so thankful for stupid little things.. Like Friday I saw a blue and gold license plate cover for U of M, the license plate said "Vktors", and it was a VA plate.. I couldn't help but smile at God's blending of the two... This week someone came into my office and talked to me about DC for almost an hour, I loved every minute of it. I have gotten hugs from people I have only known a couple weeks, and hugs always mean a lot to me..

I am frustrated and completely sick of having to be careful about my hip (which thankfully is mostly just sore now and less a constant severe pain).. I am really tired of needing to ask for help, not even for any other reason than practically speaking it takes more time to ask someone to help.. and asking for help for things I should be able to do on my own, but currently cannot is tiring when I am not close with the person... because it leaves me feeling helpless, needy, and as though I owe them (all of which I am fully aware are not reality, but regardless, it is how I feel).

I GET PAID TO LOVE PEOPLE.. Seriously, I keep mulling that over in my head and it feels like I am cheating the system.. I am literally getting paid to love people, teach them about Christ and then how to love others in His name.. It is flippin amazing!

I miss my church and friends in DC so very much. Basically all the time, but thankfully e-mails keep me laughing, Skype gives me much needed quality time, and facebook/twitter/texting keep me connected for all the mundane things...

I am hopeful of what is to come, and soaking up and trying to learn as much as I can...

I do not for a moment regret nor second guess my choice to move back to MI, but I have finally allowed myself to acknowledge it was one of the most difficult decisions I have made (which is interesting because I am pretty sure that means more difficult decisions are down the road).. But, really I do not regret it; I somewhat revel in the challenge of it all and bask in the knowledge that God is moving, He is leading, He is gearing up, and we are about to soar.

My heart feels a constant mix of so many things, so when asked how I am doing I have a litany of things flood my mind.. I am genuinely good, excited, stressed, overwhelmed, homesick, etc..etc..

Life Lately...

So, I figured I would take a post and updated on my life lately...

 And since pictures are worth 1,000 words, I thought I'd just update with some pictures...

This amazing person helped me move across the country, and think and remember things I just couldn't keep in my head!

 The "beauty and the beast rose" did not survive the trip back to MI.. But, 8 years, 14 moves, and three states I suppose is as long as any rose should be expected to live.

I love the people I work with, seriously they are awesome... They surprised me with a gift.. Pretty state of the art! haha

A few pictures of the new place, before I painted.

The wall on the left is now the color of the top flower on my shower curtain.. I completely accidentally picked the same colors.. Apparently subconsciously I am pretty matchy matchy.

 I love my kitchen!... Still trying to figure out if I need a microwave or not..

 I have painted a lot lately...

 This is the progression of my office...

 I am really excited about how it all turned out.. and I promise I cheated, and am not actually as good as this portrays.. I projected these onto the wall, then painted in the lines :)

This puppy will soon be in my arms!.. Just about a week in a half and he's mine! He is all paid off, and details are coming together to transport him... His name is Vormund (which means guardian in German).

 I love how God sends me rainbows every time a major thing in my life is going to happen or is happening... It makes me smile.

 These lovely... weird, but amazing people are directly related to me, and now they are close enough to meet for a couple hours on a Sunday night and laugh and talk and hang out. They are "special" haha, but they make life so much better!

So, hopefully that catches you up a smidge on life lately.

He Chose Me...

Over the last three weeks I have had this bubbling up from the deep thought that has crashed into my full consciousness this weekend...

God chose me.

He chose to save me in all my wretchedness.

He chose to rescue my heart.. over and over again through every heartache and turmoil I have put it through.

He chose to bless me in ways that no one could script better.

He chose to give me a passion and a genuine love for those around me.

He chose to send me all over the place to meet spectacular and inspiring people.

He chose me.

He chose to bring me to a church to make a difference and follow Him.

He. Chose. Me.

I am sure from an outside perspective it looks as though this is a slightly dramatic thought. But, I can assure you my very core has been ruminating over this thought for a few weeks now. I am so inadequate. I feel a bit like an imposter. I do not feel ready to take on the task that He is clearly putting before me. I am stoked about this new job... No seriously, I am getting paid to meet people for coffee and talk about Jesus.. And then, I get to inspire them and help them be better servants of our Lord. Best. Job. Ever. But, despite all of that, I look around me and know so many amazing, much more capable, much more educated, much more passionate, much more intuitive people that know what to do and how to lead better..

And yet, God chose me.

I am blown away, and ridiculously humbled by this revelation that has hit me full on over the weekend. I am unable to do this without Christ, yet He chose me. In a period where I finally felt as though He had healed past hurts, and as though He had finally made me new, and helped me step into the who I was created to be, not to mention in the midst of my full glory of brokenness, He decided this would be a good time to uproot me and transplant me somewhere too follow Him. I am stoked, and I am full of a bit of trepidation at realizing how much He has laid before me...

I am resonating with this verse currently: "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14) .. This passage goes on to say she replied to Mordecai and told him and other Jews to fast for three days and pray, she would do the same, and then she would break the law and approach the king on behalf of the Jews. I resonate with this whole thing because I fasted for 40 days from sweets and desserts during the entire process of applying and interviewing for this job...

I also know that I will continue to need serious prayer and at times fasting to help me over the next.. well long time. But, I also know without any doubts that the Lord is here, and He is about to rock some worlds.. including, and probably especially mine.

On January 30th of this year, I posted that God Goes Before Me, and I have never been more aware of that then I am right now.
February 2nd of this year I posted that Prayer is a Game Changer; I still firmly believe that, but even more so now that I have experienced some pretty substantial prayer stories since then...

And, on February 8th of this year I said I felt like I was On the Cusp of something... Now I know.

These blog posts are three examples of why I absolutely love blogging. Because, now these three posts share a part of my journey this year with you, and now you can begin to see just how accurately God works in my heart, even when I do not know what He is doing.. He is there, working, and leading me. I love my Lord and King, my Savior, and my Christ more than words can truly express.

God is awesome, and so much more.

Cared For...

This morning as I sit here in my new apartment with a cup of coffee in hand, I realize yet again that I am so ridiculously blessed...

I am beginning to like my new apartment, and after finally locating and posting my 3x5 prayer cards on my bathroom mirror it has begun to feel like home... Slowly, but surely I am finding places for everything and establishing a routine here in MI.

I am beginning to get really excited to see what God does in my life and the lives of those around me. I started getting glimpses of what He is directing me towards this week, and I love that my life is now my job.. Meaning, I am actually getting paid to do what I love.. truly. I am enjoying watching and actively pursuing this new job as it begins to shape up. Although, I was called both a minister and a pastor this week.. which both feel totally inaccurate and really weird to hear myself described that way.. But regardless, I am pumped to watch God unveil His plan.

The number of people that have helped me in some form or fashion over the last couple months is truly humbling, and as I sit here, I am totally amazed at how many people have totally selflessly taken care of me.

This week I have been incredibly touched by the friends that have helped me or checked on me to make sure I was ok, safety checks that reminded me I am cared for (even from so far away), late night text conversations that reminded me that my perspective and friendship is sought after, a couple hour phone call with a friend reminding me how big and amazing our God is, and skyping dates set up... It has been a full week, and I love ever bit of it.

I do not think there is a way to adequately explain how much such little things have meant to me this week, but I can say without any exaggeration that my family and friends (new and old) are amazing people and I do not deserve them.. but am so thankful and love them so very much.

This morning as I sit here in my new apartment, coffee in hand, I am blessed and feel totally cared for by so many people. God is truly amazing how He works everything out.

The First Week...

So, the last week has been crazy.. truly.

A week ago today I went and got a tour of The Pentagon with a couple friends, which of course was lead by another friend. And although we had to get up crazy early to work with his schedule, it was totally worth it, and a really fun thing to do on my last day.

Then the craziness of actually packing my life up began. Still trying to be ever conscious of the torn ligament in my hip, did my best to pack and leave boxes.. but, I sort of accidentally threw a wrench in my own plans when I went to look up the truck rental information only to discover I had messed up and was supposed to pick it up a day prior... Thankfully God was on my side and even though it was the end of the month they had not given it to anyone else yet. However, I had to load my car myself, which means pulling huge ramps out and putting them back.. It was about then that my hip began to hurt... immensely.

Later in the day, a bunch of my friends came over to help me cook, load the truck, and paint my room.. I really wish I had enjoyed the entire thing more, but really I spent the first half ridiculously stressed out and trying to contain my emotions. Thankfully I had a referee helping me communicate.. However, once most everything was done, and we sat down for dinner, I finally started feeling my insides uncoil... Although, the stress and emotions might have been aided by the fact that I had not eaten all day either...

Saturday was the actual moving day, and surprisingly it went incredibly smoothly. The drive while long, was fairly easy, we had no traffic issues, no truck or car issues, and spent hours of the trip playing "would you rather..." Once we arrived at my new place in MI, there were people from my new church waiting to help unload everything.. And boy did they! They unloaded everything in under and hour, helped arrange the furniture, and even returned the truck for me!.. Seriously one of the best welcoming gifts I could have been given!.. Although, the beauty and the beast rose saw its last move..

Sunday and Monday were full of church and shopping for random things I needed for the new place, which was fun, but tiring...

Monday I had to put one of my best friends on a plane and send her back to DC.. and we cried and hugged and held each other several times.. and then, I cried most of the hour drive home. I am going to miss her like crazy, but I am so so thankful for being able to skype, text, e-mail, etc.. because it definitely makes everything so much easier!

Tuesday commenced my first actual day of work, and I spent the day in meetings for the most part just talking through where to get started and what to do. Then I spent that evening and most of the next two days painting my new office and e-mailing with and meeting up with various different people. It is such a weird feeling to have a job that does not feel like work.

Slowly I am getting things together. Last night I painted my bedroom, so it finally feels like mine. And, I found my 3x5 prayer cards for my bathroom mirror.. the amount of relief I had when I finally found them is fairly comical because now the bathroom feels like mine, complete with my normal routine of praying over specific things while I brush my teeth and wash my face. It is the little things...

Oh yeah, and somewhere in there I fit my homework.. Oye.

Never The Same...

Today, while not my official last day in DC feels like it because tomorrow will be full of packing and goodbyes.. Although, to be honest I am well into my goodbyes.

 

 This is the view out our front window, I spent dozens of Sundays doing homework with this view.

I am so thankful for my time here in DC. The first 10 months here were pretty craptastic, but like most things that suck, I would never ever take them back or do them differently because it changed me, moved me, molded me, and like everything difficult caused me to propel myself into my Savior's arms.

Words just do not seem to do justice to how I am feeling about moving away from my friends and my church. I have said this numerous times, but I love National Community Church more than I have loved any church before, I consider myself blessed to have attended here for two years, and I love the people I met, the people I served with, and am so thankful for the things I learned about Jesus here.

I have made a lot of friends here and have done a lot of growing up and maturing with their assistance. While it might sound somewhat melodramatic, I do not think I have grown so much with the help of my friends as I have in the two years I have been here. A few key people really helped me, but there truly are dozens that have taught me so much about love, friendship, grace, mercy, compassion, and seeking Christ. Seriously thank the Lord for technology that helps me to stay in contact with the people I love.. 

I came to DC during one of the crappiest years I can remember, and I did not want to be here.. and found myself pretty much stuck in another terrible year.. Or most of a year really. 

Now I find myself leaving with the heaviest of hearts, yet completely full of joy and hope for what God is doing next.. These two conflicting things collide in my chest, and cause me to fight off tears of both grief and joy. Sounds ridiculous and over the top, but it is true... As much as I hate to admit to the emotions that I do not often express, and as much as I struggle to be strong and portray strong, the reality is, I know I am very weak.

Nothing will ever be the same, and as much as I do not want to admit it, that is a good and perfect thing. God has never ever ever lead me astray, and every single time life has changed and I have moved or done something crazy and different God was there, and looking back I realize how perfect it all was; this time is no different. Despite the emotions, and the difficulty I have in leaving before I feel ready, I have absolutely no doubts about this being exactly what God wants me to do... 

My life will never be the same, and despite it all, I am praising the Holy One and thanking Him for this change.

I will forever love this city and probably miss it, but it is time to say goodbye and follow Christ to MI.

My Puppy...

I am still in full fledged moving mode.. which includes lots of stress and emotions, but one (of several) things making it better is this little face.. and knowing that in about a month I get to snuggle with it.

He is a Silver Merle Great Dane, and I am still working on coming up with a name..