Field Full of Dew...

I was driving to work this morning and found myself somewhere between thrilled about the sun blasting my retinas and annoyed at the sheer blinding power of the light. I love the feeling the sunshine gives me, but I hate it early in the morning because I am pretty sure it takes me a couple hours to fully wake up. Plus, I also know in a couple months I will feel starved for sunlight, and more than likely make my way to my annual fake sun places to absorb some man made UV light.. This was the beginning of totally random fleeting thoughts during my morning commute which then mixed with sending a few encouraging text messages to friends and family (at stop lights due to the fact that DC driving and texting = instant party with Jesus). I realized the correlation between my thoughts and feelings towards the sun, friends, and the journey I have been on the last couple years.

Out of almost nowhere, I find myself content again. Totally satisfied with where God has me. I feel normal again, I laugh easily and often once more, thoughts of school or relationships no longer bring very negative visceral reactions, and while the sheer aggravation I experience at work most days is exactly the same, my attitude and perspective has changed. I am so thankful.

What is ironic is I remember telling someone near the end of the summer of '09 that life was just perfect, and I was almost afraid to utter those thoughts because I was fairly certain some rough waters were ahead. I had felt like it was the perfect calm before the storm... (boy was I right on the money with those feelings) You see, my storms tend to have waves of disaster associated with them. 2010 was full of a new mega disaster each month.. I handled it ok, and thankfully was completely surrounded by a support network of family and friends to get me through. The end of 2010 and 2011 so far has been like a slow boiling pressure cooker. I literally felt like I was going to explode like Mount Vesuvius...

I was working so hard to control how things were coming out that not enough stress or pressure was getting released to make any significant difference, and I began dreading the (what felt like ) inevitable explosion, and the poor soul(s) around who would have to take the brunt of that disaster. And, while the support network was there, it had dramatically changed, and no longer felt the same, which left me feeling very alone and protective of myself.

Then out of nowhere God intervened and caused (for no apparent reason) a stillness that was felt to my core, and suddenly I feel at peace once more.

(I did not take either of these pictures, they are linked to where they were found)

All this to paint a picture of what has changed...

All of these thoughts and pictures lead me to realize this morning that it is my turn to be the rallying support for my family and friends who are struggling. It is my turn to support, uphold, encourage, and pray knowing that God will come to their rescue. It is my turn to hold up the arms of my loved ones who are tired (As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. - Exodus 17:11-12).
I know it is not I myself that will change anything, it is not my job to solve their problems, and they will inevitably have to walk through this period just like I did. But, I also know that they will get through this time, just like I did...

In the end, they will feel the peace to their core like a bright sunshine filled morning in a field full of dew.

Emotional Compass...

So, sometimes I have these moments where I literally feel like I am not in control of my reactions, emotions, actions etc.. Like I am being compelled by something that is not from me. I am not talking about being possessed or anything like that, but sometimes my emotions are so strong they feel like they have taken over.

Sometimes those emotions are great things!.. Such as when they are love for someone, protection of someone, conviction for justice and truth or what is right.. etc.. However, sometimes they are really bad.. anger and aggression at someone or something that is out of my control.

Emotions take work. Lots and lots of work to refine and create an accurate compass. When I was a kid I had a HORRIBLE temper.. I mean really bad. I kicked my 2 year old brother off the couch cause he slipped and fell on my legs once. I tried choking my older brother because he said something insulting.. I mean literally out of control. However, even then I knew better because not once did I ever lose it in front of my parents, which means I was actually in complete control, I just chose not to be when I did not feel like it. Until one day my dad (after I had done something ridiculous that I do not remember anymore) came to me... got within inches of my face, and very calmly, very controlled said, "If you do not control your temper... I will control it for you." then stood up and walked away. I. Was. Petrified. And, from that moment on I "magically" controlled my temper. I mean I would lose it occasionally, but never again did I lash out AT someone. I learned quickly where my boiling point was and how to remove myself from those situations. Then, as I got older I started purposefully working to process through my emotions, actively sought out people who could help me process when I felt my emotions were the only glass by which I was seeing through.

To this day, whenever I get emotional or feel my emotions taking over I am incredibly intentional about processing and separating my emotions from my decision making. I have gotten to the point where I know I FEEL a certain way, but I also recognize the reality or logic behind what is going on....

Which has lead me to the last sentence of my previous post... I have to be VERY careful not to confuse my emotions and subsequently my actions for the will of God or the Holy Spirit. They are not one in the same.. and one does not lead or become inspired by the other. They CAN be.. but they are not intricately woven in each other enough to assume that my emotions about something must be the Holy Spirit laying it on my heart. Not necessarily the case.

Just because something is "wrong" and I feel indignation about the issue, treatment of others, actions, reactions, etc.. of other people does not mean God has tasked me with the mission to right the wrong. Sometimes He absolutely has.. but not always. And, I would even go so far as to say sometimes we assume that our emotions are or should be our driving force behind why we do something... and that is wrong. Stay with me while I unpack this a bit...

I have emotions about a lot of things, starving children in Africa, homeless people in NYC, inner city kids with absent parents, mistreatment of disabled people, disrespect of parents from their children, the abuse shown from parents to kids, the government forcing laws I do not agree with, people being sent to war over politics, the disrespect shown to the warriors and soldiers who are doing it for a variety of their own reasons, the TV evangelists, Christian radio stations, westboro baptist church... trust me, my list goes on and on. But, do you see the incredibly wide variety of things that can easily boil over into a passionate and emotional discussion about my beliefs!?.. And, let's call a spade a spade.. There are definite right and wrong in each of these situations, mostly on an individual basis, but it is there none the less. The problem is, just because I have an emotion about these things, and even a very strong emotion, does not mean God has called me to take up each of these crosses and follow Him.

I can honestly say that most of these issues have no other purpose in my heart than to compel me to pray for them.. for the people who it IS their mission and passion.. sweet spot and desire to take care of these situations and issues. Meaning, in the body of Christ, the hands holding the guns in Iraq are the ones actually tasked with that mission.. I am merely the mouth uttering petitions before the Lord of grace, mercy, strength, protection, and courage in their situation. I am the backup to their situation, I am not the lead just because I feel strongly about something.

There is a VERY distinct, but VERY fine line between my emotions and being compelled by the Holy Spirit. The line is easy to miss, and takes intentionality to learn how to see it.. But, recognizing this line is what separates the "new Christians" from the "mature Christians" (although these are poor word choices, they are the best I have to communicate my meaning right now...). I think more often than not we choose to take up arms and fight for something that we were never meant to fight for... We have chosen to waste time and energy on something that God never meant for us.. Even though it may be a "right" cause, we often let our human, fallen, broken flesh/past/history/emotions/hangups dictate us instead of going before the throne and making sure we are following God's plan and purpose. Know your role.. Purposefully seek out exactly what God is telling you your role is...

Let me say it this way:
"So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset."

- Exodus 17:10-12 (The bolded sections are to show you each various role)

I promise each person in this story was emotional, passionate, fired up, invested, and engaged in this situation.. But, each had their own role to play, and had they stepped out of their God given role based off of their emotions about the situation, they would have been sinning and a problem rather than a solution.

Your emotions cannot be your exclusive compass in regards to right, wrong, and whether the Holy Spirit is compelling you to take action... Emotions come and go like the wind, so cannot be an accurate compass. They are merely the first step in the process; hopefully they are the step that takes you to your knees to figure out where God is placing your next step.

Take the steps to becoming a mature Christian.. Look for the differences (sometimes subtle) to your emotions and the Holy Spirit's prompting. They feel different when you are paying attention, I promise.