Happy Birthday...

So, today is The Boy's birthday, and I just want to take a little bit to make it clear the things that are wonderful about him... I cannot afford to get him anything expensive, I cannot even afford to get him something he would really love (who knew car things were ALWAYS expensive... haha). But, I do want to make clear the reasons I am proud of him and the things I really like about him more than the average guy I know.

The Boy is insanely intelligent.. He answers the most random questions I have, and can explain anything with incredible patience as I try and understand whatever the topic is for the moment.
He makes me laugh ALL the time... Whether it is some random youtube video we watched that he recites or whether it is an inside joke... I just laugh, all the time. We will be talking, and he gives me these looks in response to whatever I have said that make me laugh because I can read exactly what he is thinking...
He loves helping people, and will go out of his way to do whatever he can.
I am amazed all the time by his ability to read and discern people and situations, he can look at me and tell instantly what is going on, if I am uncomfortable or upset or whether something we are talking about is bothering me... and he can tell if I actually am feeling the way I am saying I am.
He is passionate about all kinds of things, whether it is cars, guns, the army or something else... I cannot help but get caught up in his passion for those things, especially since he does a great job explaining things as he is telling me stories.
The Boy is diligent. Oh my word! I have watched him spend hours doing the same exact thing to get it perfect. It amazes me.
He is constantly selfless, even when he does not feel like doing something, he does it exclusively because someone else needs it.
He puts me before himself more then I could ever ask for... It is very humbling and I appreciate it more then he will every understand.
He is incredibly wise beyond his years, and it comes out every day in various conversations we have.
He does a fantastic job communicating, especially with me! ha! We talk about all sorts of things and we both are able to communicate well, and he does such a great job dealing with me even when I am worked up haha!
He has this amazing ability to see situations for exactly what they are.
He is always straight forward and completely honest, even if I have not asked or thought to ask something, he makes sure I know before it comes up or could be a potential problem later.
He is patient.
He is confident and secure, not arrogant or obnoxious.
He is sound in his belief in Jesus and not afraid to disagree with me...
He is real about his faith regardless of what that looks like, he never tries to add fluff or sugar coat it.
He is protective.. with me and with those around too.. he is observant of his surroundings and aware all the time.
He is motivated and driven.
He is a great man, regardless of what he sees in himself or what those around me do or do not see in him... if he stays my man or not, I am very proud of him, his accomplishments, and goals, and I am really glad and thankful to Jesus daily that he is a part of my life.

I have more... but this is a good start to my list ;)

He cannot understand half the things I see and appreciate about him... which allows me the chance to show him... A chance that I am really excited about. But, part of the neat beauty that is having a relationship (whether just friends or more), the other person can look at us and see the true unmitigated picture of who we are without our own biases and frustrations getting in the way.

So, Happy birthday to my boy... You challenge me in new ways and because of you I get pushed closer to our Savior. I appreciate your presence in my life regardless of what happens in the future... :)

Fight for It...

I was thinking last night how so often it just seems like people give up when things are rough.. They explain that they "don't feel it anymore" or any hundreds of other reasons why something is or is not a good idea and why they need to be done. We (our culture) has lost the understanding of fighting for the good and holy things in our lives. I am not talking about accepting every crappy thing in your life just for the sake of not giving up, I am talking about doing everything within your power to make something work... and leaving God in control (and being OK) with however He chooses to work things out.

I tend towards being an all or nothing type person. I give it everything I have.. or I do not even give it a second thought. Not always, but most things.. and definitely the things that are important to me. I have yet to master the slowly enter the water idea.. I tend towards jump in and pray I can swim. Sometimes jumping in has been one of the best ideas I have ever done (moving to VA).. and sometimes it has been really a terrible idea (the list is overwhelmingly large)... But, either way I have always learned a lot, God has somehow managed to use me and my insane tendencies for Him and His glory.. Whew!

Last night apparently was a great thinking night for me... I was thinking about all the things I do a poor job with... A lot of the characteristics and traits I possess could be a good thing, and sometimes are, but they also quickly and easily transition into not a good thing. I was comparing myself to a couple people around me and it was like I realized for the first time how I could come across to those around me. No wonder so many people describe me as being dominating and why so many other people describe me as sometimes overwhelming. Now, do not get me wrong, I have no intention of changing the things that I do not feel like God's pushing me to change, but I think it was good for me to realize this aspect.. almost from new eyes.. and like everything else (and the reason I got my tattoo where I got it) I am who I am.. I am created exactly the way I am, and I am not perfect, but I try.

I spent a lot of time thinking about the things that I am insanely staunch on... The things that I have incredible amounts of resolve and dedication to or for, and just sorta mulled over it and looked through it trying to figure out if I want to continue to have the unwavering resolve or if it was time to maybe let go a bit... A few things I realized I do not understand enough to have such a staunch view on, and a couple other things I reaffirmed my stance and way I approach it. In my process of doing this I began to see a few more pieces of the puzzle put together in conjunction with the pieces I already could see. I really like what God is doing right now inside my heart... It. Is. Not. Easy. But, it is really really good.

Last night I had this weird mix of emotions.. mostly revolving around being patient, at peace, and praying... And, knowing that I have no control over the situations in my life anyway... but, that my only option that I have is to fight everything I am feeling and going through in each area of my life is... "on my knees" in prayer. I have nothing else, no other "weapons" in my arsenal. And, I would like to point out, this is the most I have ever had such an overwhelming sense of peace that makes no sense to me... I love how God does that.

I am never afraid of fighting for what is important to me. I am not worried about the hard work I might be faced with... especially in the near future, right now I have this overwhelming sense of everything will be alright. I am ok with Jesus keeping my thoughts and feelings here...

Prayer and Worship...

I love how the prayer and worship to my Savior can just totally change things. It never ceases to amaze me how spending a couple hours reading my Bible and singing worship songs to Jesus changes me on the inside. I have no idea how it works or even why it works... All I know is it just does.

Wednesday I went to "Mainstreet" at TRBC before Campus Church and I spent some time reading my Bible and listening to music and journaling (sorry not blogging this time)... just writing down my thoughts from this year so far... things that have happened and all the ways that I have been pushed and challenged. All the things Jesus has done and the ways He has broken me only to rebuild me again better... It was a great time of just putting down everything in order... well I didn't really type it in order, but in the end it's in order :)

Then we had Campus Church.. which turned into almost 2 hours of solid worship time. *big sigh of relief* It was awesome. What was partially so great though was, they at one point had everyone sit down and put scripture on the screens for us to look up and The Boy and I shared my Bible while we read the various passages. Then when the music launched into the full worship section it was really neat to stand next to The Boy and worship... just be there together praising our Lord. It was awesome.

We went on a date and it was very causal and nice.. :) Good times, at one point we were talking about various things going on that are just proving to be challenging in our lives. When I went home afterwards, I spent a really long time journaling and praying over the various things. What was so great about all of it is, that the next day The Boy called me really excited to tell me how God had already been answering these prayers of his... and unbenounced to him, my prayers as well. I pointed out that sometimes things like that just prove to be little "I love you" notes from Jesus...

Prayer and worship have more of an affect then we realize I think.

I Am Really Lucky...

I just wanted to take a minute to stop and say that I am really lucky... and by lucky I mean Jesus has really blessed me... Luck does not really have much to do with how things are or are not in my life...

First, I have some AMAZING friends. They are awesome, love me, are funny, and constantly encouraging me towards Jesus and to being better then I was yesterday. They are awesome :)

Next, I am gonna gush for a bit.. These are all things that are a big deal to me even though they are small things; they were seriously lacking in past relationships I have had, so I notice them a lot now... I have an amazing boyfriend. :) He has no idea how much I appreciate the things he does. Most of the stuff that means a lot to me are all the little things, texting me at random times just to say hey, he will call to share things he is excited or passionate about. We talk about Jesus like it is a normal part of life. Our inside jokes make us crack up all the time. He is not at all intimidated by my martial arts training... and in fact, he enjoys that aspect of who I am... sounds dumb, but if you know me at all you would understand why it is such a relief for me! He does not act different or talk to me any different when we are around people versus when we are alone, the consistency is a wonderful thing. He carries things like my computer/file bag for me without me ever indicating I wanted or needed the help. He talks to me and communicates what is going on, and makes a point to understand me and what is going on... I could go on and on.. but I will just stop for now.. :) Needless to say I am very thankful for him in my life.

Fallen...

I realized again today as I was talking to one of "my kids" from back home... We live in such a crappy world. Our world is broken and full of terrible things that were never meant to be a part of who we are or our understanding.

I have been faced with so much of it recently and all I can think is "This. Is. Awful." not in a judgmental way, but in a realistic understanding that God never intended this to be in our lives when He created us. We were not supposed to have knowledge of Good and Evil... I was never supposed to know how much it hurts to watch someone you care about suffer and struggle through things. I was never supposed to understand pain so deep in my heart that nothing can express it. I was never supposed to know what it feels like to be helpless as someone walks through the steps of healing.... I was never supposed to know these things. I was never supposed to experience these things. Our world is terrible and it breaks my heart every time I am faced with these types of situations.

If I could I would take the pain and frustration and trials of those around me... But, I was never meant to be our savior. I am not, nor do I want to be Jesus... But, I hate feeling helpless when those around me are suffering and hurting. The only thing I have to offer is to listen and pray, and I try my best to do both. But, even still I do not feel like that is enough.. I always walk away wishing I could do more... and that is usually what drives me to prayer.

I wish I could do more to help those around me and make a difference in the lives of the people I touch..

Gain or Lose...

I would like to just start with the fact that I love my daddy. He is an amazing man, full of love, grace, compassion, and wisdom. Sometimes I forget how much these things exude from him until I get the chance to seek him out for something, and he so lovingly reminds me of these things in the way he talks to me and the advice he gives. I love my daddy and the man he is. :) (yeah yeah.. I'm a daddy's girl)

I find myself in a really interesting.. and new situation now. I love how I can look back at where Jesus has taken me and the journey He's brought me on so far, and I can see where and why I have gone through things. "For a time such as this.."

I was talking with my cousin today and I asked him "in all honesty, am I a strong person?" he laughed at me and explained how I am the strongest person he knows... It was an interesting conversation, but I found it fascinating because I know how uncertain I can be on the inside. I know how often I fail or doubt God's plan... Yet, in and through it all God allows me to be strong. Sometimes, I feel like the poster child for "I never give you more than you can handle..." But, sometimes (or days) it sure feels like it's more than I can handle..

However, I find myself in a unique position right now. I am totally at peace with things, not that I like everything or feel like it's ok to just stay exactly where I am, or that I do not have uncertainty... I have all of these (and more).. but somewhere in the midst of all of this I have this overwhelming peace that everything will be ok. I will probably face some serious struggles coming up, I will probably mess up and not handle them with grace or love.. but I sure am going to try my best, and try to seek my savior first, before I make any terrible mistakes that cannot be "fixed."

I realized today that these new challenges in my life are going to take lots of prayer.. specific and general. They are going to take grace, patience, love, compassion, perseverance, and lots and lots of Jesus.. Part of that understanding comes from talking with my dad last night, and he said some pretty profound things (as usual) to me.. One specifically has been ringing in my head all day...

"Krista, you have nothing to gain if you choose to walk away and not put your heart into this. You also have nothing to lose by putting your heart into this."

Oh how right my dad is. I am a stupid girl who is stronger than I realize most of the time, but need my sweet Jesus more than I admit every day, but in the midst of all of this, I have nothing to lose... and I gain nothing if I walk away for fear of getting hurt or messing up.

So, all uncertainty aside, I am choosing to put my heart into this and see where Jesus takes it. I am very much at peace with it all, and I am ok not knowing all the details right now... but mostly, I am just really excited at the adventure that is ahead, regardless of what it brings my way. I love adventure, especially knowing my Jesus is leading it :)

Illogical Fears...

I for years have struggled with the "you're such a girl" remark.. the idea that someone would think I was like "those" girls was revolting to me. I have always hated that someone would think my emotions ruled me instead of my logic and understanding. I have always despised each of the moments in my life where emotions clearly took over and I was thinking and processing through emotions instead of logic.

Today I had a moment.. am having a moment. I would be lying if I tried to claim it was a come and go with the passing wind type thing. Instead, it came like a hurricane.. and is choosing to sit and stay a while.

I have not experienced this type of gut wrenching fear of an emotion in almost 2 1/2 years.. What is interesting to me, is the experience is almost like cutting your hand really badly, and being fascinated by the pain and blood.. Not for any other reason then it being odd.. This emotion is so intimately familiar, yet I have not experienced it in such a long time that I feel like I am turning it over and over tenderly, going through it once again.

I sometimes am amazed at how visceral things can be for me. I tend to pride myself in my attempts at being logical, think and process my way through something.. But, then out of nowhere an old fear will return and I am reminded my Jesus made me a certain way and I am still susceptible to all the "wonderful" emotions of being a girl. And, not only that, it is ok.. I am supposed to be more emotional and caring and nurturing than guys... I was created. Made. Woven. Knit. to be these things... Awesome.

At church on Sunday Joni Erickson-Tada (sp?) spoke (via a previously recorded interview) and she made the comment that each of us deal with trials that are not the "God's aiming a hose at the earth, and everyone gets rained on at some point" but it is intimate and specifically ordained and created for each of us.

So, in that, being totally real, totally open. I am afraid of getting hurt again, but I did not really realize this. I mean I always kinda knew I was afraid, but I had forgotten about this feeling, this emotion and how powerful it is. I had assumed the bulk of it was dealt with and Jesus and I had worked through it.. I mean it took me 6 months last time!... I have not experienced this in a really long time.. and yet here it is, just as real as before, just as looming and threatening, just as suffocating... All I keep telling myself is "dang it.. why am I such a girl?" As I fight tears and try to orient myself to some sort of logical reaction.

What is interesting to me in this whole thing.. Nothing happened. haha How dumb am I?.. Talk about lack of logic, nothing really out of the ordinary happened, and yet I find myself struggling to hold back tears and not be afraid of the "what if's" that have no real basis considering the conversations and understanding.. the actual knowledge that I do have in this situation. Somehow, my emotions and fears have devised a plan against me... or maybe more accurate, Satan knows what fears grip my heart... and he whispers them into my ear at the perfect time.

I also find it slightly ironic that the very thing that has caused me to fear, is also the thing I want to comfort me...

Yet another example of how weak I truly am and how much I need my sweet Jesus every day.

How He Loves...

I. Love. My. Savior.

If you don't know Jesus.. please begin, it is totally worth it I promise.

Last night after I finished my post yesterday about being restless, my restlessness continued.. I talked with my Sunday school teacher's wife for a while after running into her with some friends.. I always really enjoy talking with her.... my voice started strong then began dying as we neared the end of the conversation :)

Then, I went to Campus Church very not interested in being there... ugh.. I was just struggling with my mind going a million different directions and I could not get focused to save my life... When we walked in they were doing Easter Communion... Ugh.. I was just not really ready to do this...

Then my Savior showed up and began talking to my heart... oh how I love Him.

The thing that I find interesting is I have heard pretty much every possible communion story spin ever. I have heard every type of presentation possible.. but every time it still works and speaks to me.

Last night when it all started I was TOTALLY closed off to Jesus. I felt it when I began praying in the time they gave us before we went down to this MASSIVE cross in the middle of the arena (yes it's that big with that many people). I was tense, and I had myself locked up inside... It took me a few minutes of sitting in silence not even able to pray before I realized I had shut myself in whatever this was and I was not allowing myself to relax and listen for Jesus... As I made my way down to the cross, I KNEW God wanted me to kneel even though everyone else was getting their cup and cracker and walking back to their seat.. soo.... heart pounding hard enough for everyone to see, I grabbed my communion and knelt at the foot of the 100 foot cross that the communion stuff was sitting on. As I knelt there, I began to tell Jesus all about my impatience, and how scared I was, and how much I am going to mess everything up... I think that it was the first time I have told Him I am a little scared about things coming. But, not really the things coming, but the fact that I am well known (at least to myself) for screwing things up. Becoming obsessive compulsive about something, freaking out and running away, sabotaging things or pushing people away because I do not know what I am doing. I am afraid that I will mess things up. THAT, is where my restlessness is coming from, I do not want to screw things up...

***Please note, that God is God and I am not.. I realize I cannot "mess up" His plan ultimately.. but that perspective is mundane and mediocre.. I desire to do my best, not rely on knowing He can clean up my messes so it must be ok.

So, I spent most of the service just sorta opening up those thoughts to Him. Allowing Him to sift through them and just let me sit there in silence while He did that. I love those moments with my sweet Jesus, they are among my favorite for sure. Then, I worshipped.. I sang and just cried out in music to Him. It was great. :)

I left, went to Walmart and toodled around getting random food and things I need for the weekend. Got a few welcome text messages that just made me smile, and had a 2 hours conversation with a friend who was needing to just process and talk. I love how Jesus allows me to be that kind of friend for others. I love that He gives me the chance to truly care, AND that people know I am that type of person.

I went to bed WAY too late.. but I am so thankful that is how my evening went.

Oh how He loves me....