I was thinking last night how so often it just seems like people give up when things are rough.. They explain that they "don't feel it anymore" or any hundreds of other reasons why something is or is not a good idea and why they need to be done. We (our culture) has lost the understanding of fighting for the good and holy things in our lives. I am not talking about accepting every crappy thing in your life just for the sake of not giving up, I am talking about doing everything within your power to make something work... and leaving God in control (and being OK) with however He chooses to work things out.
I tend towards being an all or nothing type person. I give it everything I have.. or I do not even give it a second thought. Not always, but most things.. and definitely the things that are important to me. I have yet to master the slowly enter the water idea.. I tend towards jump in and pray I can swim. Sometimes jumping in has been one of the best ideas I have ever done (moving to VA).. and sometimes it has been really a terrible idea (the list is overwhelmingly large)... But, either way I have always learned a lot, God has somehow managed to use me and my insane tendencies for Him and His glory.. Whew!
Last night apparently was a great thinking night for me... I was thinking about all the things I do a poor job with... A lot of the characteristics and traits I possess could be a good thing, and sometimes are, but they also quickly and easily transition into not a good thing. I was comparing myself to a couple people around me and it was like I realized for the first time how I could come across to those around me. No wonder so many people describe me as being dominating and why so many other people describe me as sometimes overwhelming. Now, do not get me wrong, I have no intention of changing the things that I do not feel like God's pushing me to change, but I think it was good for me to realize this aspect.. almost from new eyes.. and like everything else (and the reason I got my tattoo where I got it) I am who I am.. I am created exactly the way I am, and I am not perfect, but I try.
I spent a lot of time thinking about the things that I am insanely staunch on... The things that I have incredible amounts of resolve and dedication to or for, and just sorta mulled over it and looked through it trying to figure out if I want to continue to have the unwavering resolve or if it was time to maybe let go a bit... A few things I realized I do not understand enough to have such a staunch view on, and a couple other things I reaffirmed my stance and way I approach it. In my process of doing this I began to see a few more pieces of the puzzle put together in conjunction with the pieces I already could see. I really like what God is doing right now inside my heart... It. Is. Not. Easy. But, it is really really good.
Last night I had this weird mix of emotions.. mostly revolving around being patient, at peace, and praying... And, knowing that I have no control over the situations in my life anyway... but, that my only option that I have is to fight everything I am feeling and going through in each area of my life is... "on my knees" in prayer. I have nothing else, no other "weapons" in my arsenal. And, I would like to point out, this is the most I have ever had such an overwhelming sense of peace that makes no sense to me... I love how God does that.
I am never afraid of fighting for what is important to me. I am not worried about the hard work I might be faced with... especially in the near future, right now I have this overwhelming sense of everything will be alright. I am ok with Jesus keeping my thoughts and feelings here...