I. Love. My. Savior.
If you don't know Jesus.. please begin, it is totally worth it I promise.
Last night after I finished my post yesterday about being restless, my restlessness continued.. I talked with my Sunday school teacher's wife for a while after running into her with some friends.. I always really enjoy talking with her.... my voice started strong then began dying as we neared the end of the conversation :)
Then, I went to Campus Church very not interested in being there... ugh.. I was just struggling with my mind going a million different directions and I could not get focused to save my life... When we walked in they were doing Easter Communion... Ugh.. I was just not really ready to do this...
Then my Savior showed up and began talking to my heart... oh how I love Him.
The thing that I find interesting is I have heard pretty much every possible communion story spin ever. I have heard every type of presentation possible.. but every time it still works and speaks to me.
Last night when it all started I was TOTALLY closed off to Jesus. I felt it when I began praying in the time they gave us before we went down to this MASSIVE cross in the middle of the arena (yes it's that big with that many people). I was tense, and I had myself locked up inside... It took me a few minutes of sitting in silence not even able to pray before I realized I had shut myself in whatever this was and I was not allowing myself to relax and listen for Jesus... As I made my way down to the cross, I KNEW God wanted me to kneel even though everyone else was getting their cup and cracker and walking back to their seat.. soo.... heart pounding hard enough for everyone to see, I grabbed my communion and knelt at the foot of the 100 foot cross that the communion stuff was sitting on. As I knelt there, I began to tell Jesus all about my impatience, and how scared I was, and how much I am going to mess everything up... I think that it was the first time I have told Him I am a little scared about things coming. But, not really the things coming, but the fact that I am well known (at least to myself) for screwing things up. Becoming obsessive compulsive about something, freaking out and running away, sabotaging things or pushing people away because I do not know what I am doing. I am afraid that I will mess things up. THAT, is where my restlessness is coming from, I do not want to screw things up...
***Please note, that God is God and I am not.. I realize I cannot "mess up" His plan ultimately.. but that perspective is mundane and mediocre.. I desire to do my best, not rely on knowing He can clean up my messes so it must be ok.
So, I spent most of the service just sorta opening up those thoughts to Him. Allowing Him to sift through them and just let me sit there in silence while He did that. I love those moments with my sweet Jesus, they are among my favorite for sure. Then, I worshipped.. I sang and just cried out in music to Him. It was great. :)
I left, went to Walmart and toodled around getting random food and things I need for the weekend. Got a few welcome text messages that just made me smile, and had a 2 hours conversation with a friend who was needing to just process and talk. I love how Jesus allows me to be that kind of friend for others. I love that He gives me the chance to truly care, AND that people know I am that type of person.
I went to bed WAY too late.. but I am so thankful that is how my evening went.
Oh how He loves me....