A few days ago I was told I have a warm and inviting smile. I'm not really sure how someone has a warm and inviting smile versus a normal smile, but it was a nice compliment. It got me thinking about it though, and I realized the most common compliments I receive always involve my laugh and my smile. Apparently my two greatest distinctive features...
So, what makes me smile? Well, I could easily make a list a million miles long about what I laugh at and what makes me smile.. But, what I really want to do is actually address what causes me to be joyful... I mean here's an example of normalcy for me...
Saturday night I slept a grand total of.. MAYBE 4 hours. I mean I went to bed about midnight, and didn't need to get up until 7:30... but clearly God and I had some business to attend to, so about 1:30 I gave up trying to sleep, and read my Bible, journaled, blogged, and prayed... For HOURS. It was a great time with my Jesus...
Sunday morning I was definitely dragging a big.. I mean who wouldn't be after not falling asleep until 3-4am!.. But, I didn't feel it in my attitude or mood at all (which I don't typically have the problem of sleep affecting my moods), but it was more so than normal. I mean literally I was joyful inside, my heart was content, and I was happy... which carried over into Sunday school class, and church, and interactions with friends, and movie night..
I laughed a ridiculous amount.. I mean seriously. Our leadership team prays before anyone arrives for Sunday school.. we laughed and seriously struggled to pull it back together for prayer for a good 20 minutes or so. Then, lunch was lots of fun with a large group of people all laughing and enjoying each other's wit. Then I went to the park with several friends and threw a Football and Frisbee around for a while.. attempted to throw with my left over and over.. which caused my stomach to hurt from laughing so hard at my failed attempts lol I got to spend some great quality time with a couple friends.. Then went over to a friend's house and watched Bolt... Which is HYSTERICAL.. I mean seriously sooo funny. And my friends and I cracked up the whole time.. in part because of the movie, and in part because of each other's reactions to the movie. It was great.
So, last night when I crawled into bed... TOTALLY exhausted I was completely full inside. My "cuddle meter was full" even though I hadn't actually cuddled with anyone lol I went through the entire day tired, and lacking some serious sleep, but I was fulfilled.. mostly due to my extremely long conversation with My Savior where we talked about everything I was feeling.. But, also in part because the sun was shining (although the wind would take you away if you weren't careful), and my friends and I were able to just enjoy each other's company and humor and wit. I can't even begin to describe to you how truly good that combination is.
So, I highly recommend the occasional time of forgoing sleep to chat with your creator.
Mar 30, 2009
Mar 29, 2009
Letters to Heaven...
Lord,
You know my heart, you know my every moment, my deepest times of pain and my wonderful times of joy. You know how I'm feeling and exactly what I feel, and what I'm think right now. You see my turmoil, and my battle to keep towards you.
Lord, my precious Savior, my Sweet King, My daddy... I need you tonight. Not because I'm in despair, but because I don't want to wait until I am to turn to you to take over. I want your all consuming fire to cover me and protect my heart. I want you first and always. I desire you, in me more than anything else. I've felt you more viscerally and more completely than I have anything I can remember; more than breaking bones, more than bumps and bruises, more than a hug, more than a kiss. In that time when I felt you, breaking my heart to create a new one. I heard you whispering to my heart, to mold it to become pleasing to you. I felt the bleeding from my chest into my stomach, and I gave thanks when I was crying. When I wanted to curl up and stop participating in the world because you were all I wanted... You held me, you loved me, and you cried with my pain. I've felt you more than anything I can remember.
My Lord, my Jesus, I need you to take hold of me and calm my heart, it's tired, confused, impatient, and I can't center it or calm it, I need you to do it for me. Still my mind, calm my fears, control my worries, bring me back to utter faith in your promises to me. I want more than anything to just rest in you, to simply sit and drink in your presence. Help me not to be impatient, but to just rest knowing you've got control and it's perfect.
You know what I need, you understand what I feel, you see what's going on around me, and still you can still speak to me through the muddle of emotions, thoughts, and actions. I need you. Please show me what to do, exactly there is where I want to be. I want to be doing what you want from me, I want to go where you want me to, I want to BE who you want me to be. You alone, there alone is what I want. No matter where you take me, what I do, who I encounter... You there with me first, now, during, last, always.
I love you my Sweet Jesus.
You know my heart, you know my every moment, my deepest times of pain and my wonderful times of joy. You know how I'm feeling and exactly what I feel, and what I'm think right now. You see my turmoil, and my battle to keep towards you.
Lord, my precious Savior, my Sweet King, My daddy... I need you tonight. Not because I'm in despair, but because I don't want to wait until I am to turn to you to take over. I want your all consuming fire to cover me and protect my heart. I want you first and always. I desire you, in me more than anything else. I've felt you more viscerally and more completely than I have anything I can remember; more than breaking bones, more than bumps and bruises, more than a hug, more than a kiss. In that time when I felt you, breaking my heart to create a new one. I heard you whispering to my heart, to mold it to become pleasing to you. I felt the bleeding from my chest into my stomach, and I gave thanks when I was crying. When I wanted to curl up and stop participating in the world because you were all I wanted... You held me, you loved me, and you cried with my pain. I've felt you more than anything I can remember.
My Lord, my Jesus, I need you to take hold of me and calm my heart, it's tired, confused, impatient, and I can't center it or calm it, I need you to do it for me. Still my mind, calm my fears, control my worries, bring me back to utter faith in your promises to me. I want more than anything to just rest in you, to simply sit and drink in your presence. Help me not to be impatient, but to just rest knowing you've got control and it's perfect.
You know what I need, you understand what I feel, you see what's going on around me, and still you can still speak to me through the muddle of emotions, thoughts, and actions. I need you. Please show me what to do, exactly there is where I want to be. I want to be doing what you want from me, I want to go where you want me to, I want to BE who you want me to be. You alone, there alone is what I want. No matter where you take me, what I do, who I encounter... You there with me first, now, during, last, always.
I love you my Sweet Jesus.
Mar 26, 2009
The Same Spirit...
I heard today on my way into work this idea that is so basic yet so ironically hard to remember...
It is the SAME spirit that flows in us. The same one that makes me love being around people as much as I can, the same one that makes me want to love the poor, the same one that makes me want to Love people for Jesus, the same one that makes you not desire those same things with every fiber of every portion of every moment like me.. The same one that makes you love theology and apologetics that I can listen to for a bit, but have no desire to repeat, the same one that makes you delight in teaching, giving, mentoring, praying, reading... these are all gifts from THE SAME SPIRIT.
We were made differently on purpose. We were created each with a part to play, a dance to complete on purpose. My path was set up and created this way so that at some point I would need you and your passions and you would need mine. It's the same one. It's ok that I don't desire what you do, it's ok that you will never understand how much I long and desire and ache to do foreign missions full time... It's ok that you work to get a paycheck so you can do other things.. it's ok that I desire to be itinerant and you desire to be close to home.. We were made to be that way so that on every front in every situation in every moment someone is created to hold the line, to be the best, to take watch while someone else rests.
hmm.. I like that :)
It is the SAME spirit that flows in us. The same one that makes me love being around people as much as I can, the same one that makes me want to love the poor, the same one that makes me want to Love people for Jesus, the same one that makes you not desire those same things with every fiber of every portion of every moment like me.. The same one that makes you love theology and apologetics that I can listen to for a bit, but have no desire to repeat, the same one that makes you delight in teaching, giving, mentoring, praying, reading... these are all gifts from THE SAME SPIRIT.
We were made differently on purpose. We were created each with a part to play, a dance to complete on purpose. My path was set up and created this way so that at some point I would need you and your passions and you would need mine. It's the same one. It's ok that I don't desire what you do, it's ok that you will never understand how much I long and desire and ache to do foreign missions full time... It's ok that you work to get a paycheck so you can do other things.. it's ok that I desire to be itinerant and you desire to be close to home.. We were made to be that way so that on every front in every situation in every moment someone is created to hold the line, to be the best, to take watch while someone else rests.
hmm.. I like that :)
Mar 25, 2009
Black and White Perspective...
Random thought to start my blog with, I've been listening to podcast sermons on my way into work lately.. and it's been absolutely amazing. I pop it on and my driving kicks to autopilot (not literally but I get so focused on what I'm listening to that I tend to just let myself go through the motions of my drive to work). The podcasts are perfectly timed, so I end up with about enough time for 1-3 songs before I arrive to work. I find that I seriously desire and look forward to these drives. :)
Here's my question.. What are you using as your perspective? This is a rather new thought in my head, and I'll do my best to unpack it, but it may come out some in random form instead of linear (sorry).
So often we look at our lives and we compare it to "the Jones" I mean it may not literally be the Jones', but it may be your best friend, a group of people you wish you were a part of, a group you ARE a part of, the news, the world, your family, your city etc..etc.. the list can go on and on. I can think of a whole bunch of things that I use as my perspective on life and myself.
How often do we assume the "lesser of two evils" mentality? How many times a day do I think it's ok just this once, or because no one is around, or because so and so did it it MUST be ok, or at least I didn't do ______... whatever, fill in the blank for yourself. But, the reality is Jesus didn't give us the freedom of gray's, He gave us black and He gave us white. We either are right or we are wrong.
Now, hear me for just a second... the problem with gray is it inherently means you're using the wrong things as a perspective... Gray means it's right for me but not for you. It's ok that I sin because it's not as bad as your sin. It's ok that you're lying as long as you don't... murder... It's ok to not help someone because surely God will help them... The problem assumes that God doesn't want you to do it, or that God isn't asking you to be who he wants you to be.
I'm not a fan of grays in life. I never really have been, I tried for a while to let gray be ok... mainly because several people pointed out my black and white perspective and I got gun shy and it took me a while to figure out if black and white was truly ok. What if gray was right?... Well, the reality is if Jesus is my perspective there is no Gray.
Now, I'm NOT talking about "I don't drink so you shouldn't" or "You can eat ham, but I don't" nothing like that.. All of that is explained in the Bible. I'm talking about moral issues, choices of right and wrong, not personal preferences. I'm not talking about the body of Christ having different strengths and choosing not to do something they aren't good at. God gave us variety in "us" in our community so that we can all have strengths and weaknesses. It's ok if I choose not to do things I'm not good at, and instead focus on the things I am good at... none of those are inherently a sin... unless God tells me to and I say no... that's when it becomes a sin.
What I AM talking about is when I (or people) choose to not say anything... When I choose to not listen when God speaks to me.. When I allow fear to get in the way... When I don't say "Jesus Loves You" because I know the person isn't a Christian... When I choose to do something because it's not NEARLY as bad as so and so... When It's ok for me to listen to THIS song because it isn't as bad as THAT song.. As soon as I rationalize what I'm doing, it becomes a sin, I've missed the mark.. Chance are I missed a moment with my Savior. The idea that I missed a moment with my Savior makes my heart hurt. To think of all the times I chose not to look at Jesus and spend a moment with Him... Uhg, I can't explain how much that hurts.
What I do know is that I hate the idea of gray. I hate that someone feels it's ok for me to not say something and CHOOSE to ignore the love I could lavish on someone else... How can I say I love my Jesus, my Sweet King, my Savior, my Daddy.. How can I say those things and then tell someone else "I'm sorry, I won't show you what He's shown me." That's not Love, that's ignorance and selfishness.
If you believe in Jesus, then it's black and white, no gray.
Here's my question.. What are you using as your perspective? This is a rather new thought in my head, and I'll do my best to unpack it, but it may come out some in random form instead of linear (sorry).
So often we look at our lives and we compare it to "the Jones" I mean it may not literally be the Jones', but it may be your best friend, a group of people you wish you were a part of, a group you ARE a part of, the news, the world, your family, your city etc..etc.. the list can go on and on. I can think of a whole bunch of things that I use as my perspective on life and myself.
How often do we assume the "lesser of two evils" mentality? How many times a day do I think it's ok just this once, or because no one is around, or because so and so did it it MUST be ok, or at least I didn't do ______... whatever, fill in the blank for yourself. But, the reality is Jesus didn't give us the freedom of gray's, He gave us black and He gave us white. We either are right or we are wrong.
Now, hear me for just a second... the problem with gray is it inherently means you're using the wrong things as a perspective... Gray means it's right for me but not for you. It's ok that I sin because it's not as bad as your sin. It's ok that you're lying as long as you don't... murder... It's ok to not help someone because surely God will help them... The problem assumes that God doesn't want you to do it, or that God isn't asking you to be who he wants you to be.
I'm not a fan of grays in life. I never really have been, I tried for a while to let gray be ok... mainly because several people pointed out my black and white perspective and I got gun shy and it took me a while to figure out if black and white was truly ok. What if gray was right?... Well, the reality is if Jesus is my perspective there is no Gray.
Now, I'm NOT talking about "I don't drink so you shouldn't" or "You can eat ham, but I don't" nothing like that.. All of that is explained in the Bible. I'm talking about moral issues, choices of right and wrong, not personal preferences. I'm not talking about the body of Christ having different strengths and choosing not to do something they aren't good at. God gave us variety in "us" in our community so that we can all have strengths and weaknesses. It's ok if I choose not to do things I'm not good at, and instead focus on the things I am good at... none of those are inherently a sin... unless God tells me to and I say no... that's when it becomes a sin.
What I AM talking about is when I (or people) choose to not say anything... When I choose to not listen when God speaks to me.. When I allow fear to get in the way... When I don't say "Jesus Loves You" because I know the person isn't a Christian... When I choose to do something because it's not NEARLY as bad as so and so... When It's ok for me to listen to THIS song because it isn't as bad as THAT song.. As soon as I rationalize what I'm doing, it becomes a sin, I've missed the mark.. Chance are I missed a moment with my Savior. The idea that I missed a moment with my Savior makes my heart hurt. To think of all the times I chose not to look at Jesus and spend a moment with Him... Uhg, I can't explain how much that hurts.
What I do know is that I hate the idea of gray. I hate that someone feels it's ok for me to not say something and CHOOSE to ignore the love I could lavish on someone else... How can I say I love my Jesus, my Sweet King, my Savior, my Daddy.. How can I say those things and then tell someone else "I'm sorry, I won't show you what He's shown me." That's not Love, that's ignorance and selfishness.
If you believe in Jesus, then it's black and white, no gray.
Mar 15, 2009
Forgiving Can Actually Be Pride...
Today at Sunday school my friend Patrick spoke, and first.. he did an amazing job, and I love listening to him teach because he always has a unique way of putting everything. Ok, on to his point..
He talked about how the cross is the answer. He went into detail talking about how when it talks about how Jesus died on the cross He left our sins there even though He came down and rose again.. "This he set aside, nailing it to the cross." - Colossians 2:14b ... Think about it, every sin we've ever committed is still there.. nailed to that cross, with every drop of blood, it's stuck, still there... But, what about the fact that every sin we have YET to commit, the one we'll do tomorrow, the day after.. the one we choose to beat ourselves up over...
Ok, so that brought up the whole issue of the fact that we will beat ourselves up over things that we've done. When we screw up and we sin.. then we ask for forgiveness.. then we beat ourselves up over it... The real issue actually becomes a pride issue. Ok, wait what?! Pride?... no no.. ok, maybe.. But, think about it.. If you ask Jesus for forgiveness, and then continue to beat yourself up over it, what you're actually telling God is that your forgiveness is more important than His forgiveness.... Which actually is a pride issue.
When our forgiveness of ourselves is more important than God's forgiveness of us that becomes a pride issue. hmm...
I have more to say from Patrick's talk this morning.. but I'm really just gonna leave it at that.
He talked about how the cross is the answer. He went into detail talking about how when it talks about how Jesus died on the cross He left our sins there even though He came down and rose again.. "This he set aside, nailing it to the cross." - Colossians 2:14b ... Think about it, every sin we've ever committed is still there.. nailed to that cross, with every drop of blood, it's stuck, still there... But, what about the fact that every sin we have YET to commit, the one we'll do tomorrow, the day after.. the one we choose to beat ourselves up over...
Ok, so that brought up the whole issue of the fact that we will beat ourselves up over things that we've done. When we screw up and we sin.. then we ask for forgiveness.. then we beat ourselves up over it... The real issue actually becomes a pride issue. Ok, wait what?! Pride?... no no.. ok, maybe.. But, think about it.. If you ask Jesus for forgiveness, and then continue to beat yourself up over it, what you're actually telling God is that your forgiveness is more important than His forgiveness.... Which actually is a pride issue.
When our forgiveness of ourselves is more important than God's forgiveness of us that becomes a pride issue. hmm...
I have more to say from Patrick's talk this morning.. but I'm really just gonna leave it at that.
Mar 14, 2009
The Friends in Feelings...
So, I've been thinking lately about how wonderful my God is to me. haha, I know that sounds odd, but really. I don't really know if it's simply the things I'm going through and the things I'm praying to Him about, or if it's because I've begun taking steps to actually hear Him, listen and read what He has written me. But, what I do know is when I ask Him to help me, help my hurting heart, cover me with His peace... whatever it is, I FEEL Him do it. sometimes it's a day or so later, but I think some of that has more to do with me an my stubbornness and the fact that I have to remind myself on a regular basis that this isn't my fight to win, this is for me to give over to Him and let my Sweet Savior fight it for me.
I've also been learning how important it is to trust those around you. I feel like this is a lesson I keep having to re-learn, but seriously I have a tendency to have this feeling that I have to do it all on my own, that I don't want to "burden" them with my problems, I'd rather just deal with it and not cause them stress. It's a dumb idea.. like the Army's old slogan that caused their enrollment to drop significantly.. "Army of One".. no one actually WANTS to be an army of one. We all desire community, people to help us along our way, friends to make us laugh, those who love us to hug us and make the world better... Sometimes it simply comes down to stubbornness and not allowing God to use others to tell us what He has to say. I don't want my stubbornness to keep me from hearing my Savior, I don't want this weird "I can do it myself" mentality to get in the way of allowing someone else to show love. How dare I think I can stand on my own?.. It's dumb, and I know it's dumb...
So, what am I doing? I am really trying to surround myself with people I can rely on. I have several friends who have told me over and over that they not only don't mind hearing what I have to say, but they want to (that was an odd idea for me, even though that's exactly how I feel about them). A lot of times the hardest part of letting others in is the seeking them out and letting them know you need to talk, a hug or you need simply to have some time with them. I've discovered that in certain moods there are certain friends I seriously desire to hang out with because they have this air of peace about them... and I firmly believe that's because they so seriously seek Jesus and His kingdom. There are also times when I just want to be around people, but not talk, I know I need community, but I know I also don't really want to talk about it, so I tend to just want to be close in proximity to them, just be in their presence.
I guess most of this is just me wanting to say God is good, and I have amazing friends who show me that all the time. Thanks :)
I've also been learning how important it is to trust those around you. I feel like this is a lesson I keep having to re-learn, but seriously I have a tendency to have this feeling that I have to do it all on my own, that I don't want to "burden" them with my problems, I'd rather just deal with it and not cause them stress. It's a dumb idea.. like the Army's old slogan that caused their enrollment to drop significantly.. "Army of One".. no one actually WANTS to be an army of one. We all desire community, people to help us along our way, friends to make us laugh, those who love us to hug us and make the world better... Sometimes it simply comes down to stubbornness and not allowing God to use others to tell us what He has to say. I don't want my stubbornness to keep me from hearing my Savior, I don't want this weird "I can do it myself" mentality to get in the way of allowing someone else to show love. How dare I think I can stand on my own?.. It's dumb, and I know it's dumb...
So, what am I doing? I am really trying to surround myself with people I can rely on. I have several friends who have told me over and over that they not only don't mind hearing what I have to say, but they want to (that was an odd idea for me, even though that's exactly how I feel about them). A lot of times the hardest part of letting others in is the seeking them out and letting them know you need to talk, a hug or you need simply to have some time with them. I've discovered that in certain moods there are certain friends I seriously desire to hang out with because they have this air of peace about them... and I firmly believe that's because they so seriously seek Jesus and His kingdom. There are also times when I just want to be around people, but not talk, I know I need community, but I know I also don't really want to talk about it, so I tend to just want to be close in proximity to them, just be in their presence.
I guess most of this is just me wanting to say God is good, and I have amazing friends who show me that all the time. Thanks :)
Mar 13, 2009
Chaos as a Pace...
So, I don't know how you function, I tend to function best when I have more to do then I can possibly fit into my schedule. I relish in feeling like my life is "hopping." I love it when I look at my planner and I can't figure out how I managed to pull it all off. I laugh though when I actually have to tell people what my plans are because they get this glazed over "OH MY GOSH" look on their face. haha!
I have had people tell me before that I shouldn't be so busy because that takes away my ability to hear from God. And while that CAN be the case I seriously fight the idea that it simply is a given that because I love being busy and go to great lengths to maintain my pace of life (for the most part at least).. I refuse to believe that one causes the other. However, what I will concede is that if I am not purposeful about it God can slip to the bottom of my list before I've even set foot on the floor in the morning. One of the things I do have to be careful of, and intentional about is to make sure God gets His time just like any other friend of mine, and that I plan out time specifically for them.
I love my chaotic pace of life, I also realize it more than likely later there will be times in my life where I simply can't maintain the pace that I keep currently... a perk of being single for sure :)
In case there are any questions, let me explain why I enjoy a fast, busy, slightly chaotic pace of life.. I like knowing I've been productive. When I can look back at my day and I remember every task I accomplished, the people I talked with, the people I remembered, the chats with God, the worship moments, the service projects, the gifts I bought etc..etc.. I very much enjoy the exhaustion at the end of the night when I'm lying in my bed knowing that I gave everything I had to my day. I tried to seize every moment, I tried to laugh and express the joy and love I feel from my creator. Part of it goes back to making my goal to live my life 110% every day for my Sweet Savior. I hate the idea of living my life as a means of tithe alone.. I don't want it to be about the 10% I give back, I want it to all be about the fact that it's God's anyway. So, in my mind I like knowing I was productive and I like knowing that I gave God everything so obviously he will bless it because that's all I had... That and I feel like I am more on top of things when I'm busy, my mind feels sharper.
Haha.. I realize part of this seems like an odd approach, but I really want to know I did everything on my end to allow God to use me. And, in a way my chaotic pace allows me to do a barrage of things... And, no, I don't feel like I do them less effectively because of how busy I am, it's the exact opposite, I feel like I do them all more diligently because I have just this certain amount of time to give this task, so I better do it well the first time so I don't have to come back to it later.
Odd I know, but I enjoy it and don't feel bad for it... unless the pace allows me to leave God behind, that's when I have to re-prioritize everything.
I have had people tell me before that I shouldn't be so busy because that takes away my ability to hear from God. And while that CAN be the case I seriously fight the idea that it simply is a given that because I love being busy and go to great lengths to maintain my pace of life (for the most part at least).. I refuse to believe that one causes the other. However, what I will concede is that if I am not purposeful about it God can slip to the bottom of my list before I've even set foot on the floor in the morning. One of the things I do have to be careful of, and intentional about is to make sure God gets His time just like any other friend of mine, and that I plan out time specifically for them.
I love my chaotic pace of life, I also realize it more than likely later there will be times in my life where I simply can't maintain the pace that I keep currently... a perk of being single for sure :)
In case there are any questions, let me explain why I enjoy a fast, busy, slightly chaotic pace of life.. I like knowing I've been productive. When I can look back at my day and I remember every task I accomplished, the people I talked with, the people I remembered, the chats with God, the worship moments, the service projects, the gifts I bought etc..etc.. I very much enjoy the exhaustion at the end of the night when I'm lying in my bed knowing that I gave everything I had to my day. I tried to seize every moment, I tried to laugh and express the joy and love I feel from my creator. Part of it goes back to making my goal to live my life 110% every day for my Sweet Savior. I hate the idea of living my life as a means of tithe alone.. I don't want it to be about the 10% I give back, I want it to all be about the fact that it's God's anyway. So, in my mind I like knowing I was productive and I like knowing that I gave God everything so obviously he will bless it because that's all I had... That and I feel like I am more on top of things when I'm busy, my mind feels sharper.
Haha.. I realize part of this seems like an odd approach, but I really want to know I did everything on my end to allow God to use me. And, in a way my chaotic pace allows me to do a barrage of things... And, no, I don't feel like I do them less effectively because of how busy I am, it's the exact opposite, I feel like I do them all more diligently because I have just this certain amount of time to give this task, so I better do it well the first time so I don't have to come back to it later.
Odd I know, but I enjoy it and don't feel bad for it... unless the pace allows me to leave God behind, that's when I have to re-prioritize everything.
Mar 12, 2009
An Old Familiar Feeling...
So, yesterday was such a rough day... Ironically the best part of my day was work... haha! (Who would've ever thought that!).. ok, not just work, tanning too :)
But, I came to a realization after talking with a friend who gave me some great advice when I gave him the bare bones of my ache...
Sometimes after a while, it's time to let it go and move on.
Which is weird, cause I am not that person.. in fact I fight to the end to hold on to people until it's really just drowning me and the other person involved. And usually it takes several people encouraging me before I will realize how much better it will be for everyone involved if I let their friendship go. But, sometimes it's just time to let it go gracefully. Not forced, but also not a force to stay.. just gracefully let it go and let it drift...
This old feeling of hurt... yeah I'm pretty familiar with it and I'm not a fan either. In my ideal world each friend I make stays.. we don't drift apart or get to a point where communicating is difficult, we simply remain good friends. And, thankfully I HAVE friends like that, I have people who fill that role. But, why can't more be like that? Or better yet, why can't we know ahead of time if someone will or won't be one or the other?.. That would make things a lot easier, and my heart with a lot less patches!
In all honesty though. If I sit here and think about it, I know the answer, I just don't like it. I wish the "friends for a time" thing didn't ever include a heartache when it was over. And, the thing is, I'm not even talking about an intimate relationship.. I just have a tendency to assimilate people into my life, they become a part of my family and I treat them like it. I mean obviously I won't ever stop doing that, I won't ever stop assimilating, it's ingrained in me and it's a part of the way I operate, the way I care and love others, and I am fairly proud to have that be so much part of who I am and my nature...
I'm not a fan of this feeling, and if it could be blotted out I would LOVE that... but, I'm fairly certain this is one of those moments in time where it hurts SO badly, and later you are so thankful it turned out exactly the way it did...
So, while this is the hurts like crazy in the darkness of night, I'll dance knowing the morning sunrise makes it all worth it...
But, I came to a realization after talking with a friend who gave me some great advice when I gave him the bare bones of my ache...
Sometimes after a while, it's time to let it go and move on.
Which is weird, cause I am not that person.. in fact I fight to the end to hold on to people until it's really just drowning me and the other person involved. And usually it takes several people encouraging me before I will realize how much better it will be for everyone involved if I let their friendship go. But, sometimes it's just time to let it go gracefully. Not forced, but also not a force to stay.. just gracefully let it go and let it drift...
This old feeling of hurt... yeah I'm pretty familiar with it and I'm not a fan either. In my ideal world each friend I make stays.. we don't drift apart or get to a point where communicating is difficult, we simply remain good friends. And, thankfully I HAVE friends like that, I have people who fill that role. But, why can't more be like that? Or better yet, why can't we know ahead of time if someone will or won't be one or the other?.. That would make things a lot easier, and my heart with a lot less patches!
In all honesty though. If I sit here and think about it, I know the answer, I just don't like it. I wish the "friends for a time" thing didn't ever include a heartache when it was over. And, the thing is, I'm not even talking about an intimate relationship.. I just have a tendency to assimilate people into my life, they become a part of my family and I treat them like it. I mean obviously I won't ever stop doing that, I won't ever stop assimilating, it's ingrained in me and it's a part of the way I operate, the way I care and love others, and I am fairly proud to have that be so much part of who I am and my nature...
I'm not a fan of this feeling, and if it could be blotted out I would LOVE that... but, I'm fairly certain this is one of those moments in time where it hurts SO badly, and later you are so thankful it turned out exactly the way it did...
So, while this is the hurts like crazy in the darkness of night, I'll dance knowing the morning sunrise makes it all worth it...
Mar 10, 2009
Accidentally... On Purpose?
I had an epiphany yesterday during our weekly staff training/meetings... But, it didn't really develop or become words until my hour drive home... Let me detail out my light bulb moment for you.
Yesterday, one of my co-workers who I get along great with and joke around with all the time, made a passing comment that sorta woke me up to realize a couple things. First, his passing comment was that he has told his grandson on a few occasions to make his way over to my office and "hang out".. after his grandson commented on being 4 years younger, my co-worker explained age means less and less as you get older, so his grandson basically said "ok, find me a reason to go over.." haha! I find that an extremely amusing conversation, and it probably doesn't mean much to you, but it served as a wake up call for me... let me explain.
I have always sorta had this view that everyone around me is either married or getting married because they are just lucky to have met "their person" that accidentally they found their spouse before me... Enough people finally pushed them together, they decided one day to open their eyes and look, God changed their mind.. whatever... I've used the idea of it just happens , so accidentally that they found theirs before I've found mine.. I've done a lot of crying out to God, and a lot of stepping out of God's will trying to "force" this accident to happen.. Force God's hand I guess, I'm not really sure what my goal was looking back on all of it. I've always kinda had this view that there simply was no interest on the part of guys, no guys like me (cause I am clueless or dumb or whatever), no guy pursues (which is true... to a point), or I just haven't stumbled in at the right time...
I mean all three of my roomies from senior year are married or will be married by May.. I now have been in enough weddings to own the same dress in TWO colors.. haha.. oh man.. But, I've always kinda had this feeling that I was just waiting for some invisible pull tab that was finally my number in the sky... The stars align, God finally feels I've been patient enough, God has decided I learned whatever lesson I needed to, I finally wasn't expecting it so it would happen (cause that's what they always tell you), my future husband is finally ready.. whatever the reasons I had a bunch of excuses to give when people asked "so, Krista, why ARE you still single?..
And then yesterday when my co-worker told me this exchange with his grandson.. undoubtedly to test my reaction I'm sure.. That got me thinking about all the times in the last while that someone has made a comment about this guy or that guy found me attractive or whatever.. First let me say, I never really get used to that idea and STILL I choose to reason away their attraction to some other excuse (I was dressed up, I laughed at their jokes more than most.. and the excuses get worse and tend towards really mean towards myself). I realized that I ignore these things not because I am ignorant.. I ignore these as potential options until God shows me otherwise. hmm..
So, that got me thinking on my long drive home... I'm not single and unmarried because of an accident... I'm not single because no guy finds me attractive.. I'm not single because God is punishing me.. I'm single because I have a different task right now, a different job, and if I were married, 1. I Wouldn't be able to do it as well, 2. He wouldn't be able to do it as well, 3. WE wouldn't be serving God BETTER doing this task, and finally, 4. I wouldn't have these experiences for when I would need them later...
All of this has caused me to realize, something I've kinda known all along.. but I didn't really like the idea, I am single because I am doing my best to be obedient to God and His will RIGHT NOW.. Not later when the grass is greener on the other side, but now. I have this wonderful map that leads in a different direction than anyone else's. When you look over where I've been and what I've done.. I wouldn't change that FOR ANYTHING.. pain and all (and trust me there's been a lot of that).. So, why would I suddenly think that I would regret any part of my journey thus far once I'm married? Why would I think "oh if I'd only NOT done those things and instead gotten married.." haha that's a dumb thought process lets be honest.
So, here's my epiphany.. I'm not single by accident. I'm not single cause I'm not pretty enough. I'm not single because I have a character or personality flaw. My singleness is part of a carefully crafted plan... Get that? CAREFULLY CRAFTED.. God made it.
My plan? To choose God's plan, and His will, and to be obedient to Him. Eventually I'll see all the pieces of my journey fall into place, and it will make perfect sense. Until then, I am choosing to be obedient, and I am choosing to run through my life in a 110% full steam ahead manner until God says otherwise. And, lets be honest.. I'll probably still be the same way when I'm married.
So, it's not as though I've been forgotten or put aside for a moment.. THIS is my moment, this is my life, this is the task I've been given, I just haven't reached the point in my journey where his task and mine are the same... Like I said, carefully crafted plan.
Yesterday, one of my co-workers who I get along great with and joke around with all the time, made a passing comment that sorta woke me up to realize a couple things. First, his passing comment was that he has told his grandson on a few occasions to make his way over to my office and "hang out".. after his grandson commented on being 4 years younger, my co-worker explained age means less and less as you get older, so his grandson basically said "ok, find me a reason to go over.." haha! I find that an extremely amusing conversation, and it probably doesn't mean much to you, but it served as a wake up call for me... let me explain.
I have always sorta had this view that everyone around me is either married or getting married because they are just lucky to have met "their person" that accidentally they found their spouse before me... Enough people finally pushed them together, they decided one day to open their eyes and look, God changed their mind.. whatever... I've used the idea of it just happens , so accidentally that they found theirs before I've found mine.. I've done a lot of crying out to God, and a lot of stepping out of God's will trying to "force" this accident to happen.. Force God's hand I guess, I'm not really sure what my goal was looking back on all of it. I've always kinda had this view that there simply was no interest on the part of guys, no guys like me (cause I am clueless or dumb or whatever), no guy pursues (which is true... to a point), or I just haven't stumbled in at the right time...
I mean all three of my roomies from senior year are married or will be married by May.. I now have been in enough weddings to own the same dress in TWO colors.. haha.. oh man.. But, I've always kinda had this feeling that I was just waiting for some invisible pull tab that was finally my number in the sky... The stars align, God finally feels I've been patient enough, God has decided I learned whatever lesson I needed to, I finally wasn't expecting it so it would happen (cause that's what they always tell you), my future husband is finally ready.. whatever the reasons I had a bunch of excuses to give when people asked "so, Krista, why ARE you still single?..
And then yesterday when my co-worker told me this exchange with his grandson.. undoubtedly to test my reaction I'm sure.. That got me thinking about all the times in the last while that someone has made a comment about this guy or that guy found me attractive or whatever.. First let me say, I never really get used to that idea and STILL I choose to reason away their attraction to some other excuse (I was dressed up, I laughed at their jokes more than most.. and the excuses get worse and tend towards really mean towards myself). I realized that I ignore these things not because I am ignorant.. I ignore these as potential options until God shows me otherwise. hmm..
So, that got me thinking on my long drive home... I'm not single and unmarried because of an accident... I'm not single because no guy finds me attractive.. I'm not single because God is punishing me.. I'm single because I have a different task right now, a different job, and if I were married, 1. I Wouldn't be able to do it as well, 2. He wouldn't be able to do it as well, 3. WE wouldn't be serving God BETTER doing this task, and finally, 4. I wouldn't have these experiences for when I would need them later...
All of this has caused me to realize, something I've kinda known all along.. but I didn't really like the idea, I am single because I am doing my best to be obedient to God and His will RIGHT NOW.. Not later when the grass is greener on the other side, but now. I have this wonderful map that leads in a different direction than anyone else's. When you look over where I've been and what I've done.. I wouldn't change that FOR ANYTHING.. pain and all (and trust me there's been a lot of that).. So, why would I suddenly think that I would regret any part of my journey thus far once I'm married? Why would I think "oh if I'd only NOT done those things and instead gotten married.." haha that's a dumb thought process lets be honest.
So, here's my epiphany.. I'm not single by accident. I'm not single cause I'm not pretty enough. I'm not single because I have a character or personality flaw. My singleness is part of a carefully crafted plan... Get that? CAREFULLY CRAFTED.. God made it.
My plan? To choose God's plan, and His will, and to be obedient to Him. Eventually I'll see all the pieces of my journey fall into place, and it will make perfect sense. Until then, I am choosing to be obedient, and I am choosing to run through my life in a 110% full steam ahead manner until God says otherwise. And, lets be honest.. I'll probably still be the same way when I'm married.
So, it's not as though I've been forgotten or put aside for a moment.. THIS is my moment, this is my life, this is the task I've been given, I just haven't reached the point in my journey where his task and mine are the same... Like I said, carefully crafted plan.
Mar 8, 2009
Just Hear Me...
So, I have always had a short amount of patience when it comes to repeating things.. As a child because I didn't understand that stories needed to have a beginning, middle, and an end (or punchline) I would walk in giggling cause of a joke, tell the beginning, miss the middle and tell the punchline, then get sooo frustrated when I was forced to go back and repeat...
To this day I hate repeating myself.. I'm not talking about telling different people the same story, it's new to them so it's not the same. I'm talking about telling the same person more than once cause they either couldn't hear me, didn't understand, I reverted to my childhood inability to tell linear stories, or they just weren't listening... But now I get more upset if they just aren't listening and ask me to repeat several times, I get annoyed if it's too loud and they can't understand... but I get over that quickly.
Here's my philosophy...
If you don't want to listen, don't have the time to listen or whatever.. don't ask me a question.
If you are busy or can't hear me or whatever... tell me to hold on a minute.
If you figure out you're not understanding me, not getting my point or whatever.. questions are strongly encouraged.. sometimes they help me realize I missed essentials in my story (again I truly do struggle with linear thinking), so even if I get annoyed a bit it really does help.
But, don't bother asking me a question if you aren't listening to me.. and I WILL get frustrated if you choose to make no effort in understanding what I'm saying.. truly HEARING me.. I don't expect anyone to understand everything, comprehend, get it without asking.. I mean after all you can't read my mind... But, when no effort to understand and truly HEAR me is made I get frustrated quickly.
I go to extensive lengths to understand people, to find out what makes them tick, know what's important to them, get their sense of humor, find common ground with them.. those things are important to me because they are each parts to a puzzle and all lead to me being able to love them better. It allows me to show them their importance to me, it gives me the best chance of showing them Jesus. If Jesus cared enough to understand that sometimes the emotional and spiritual was what needed the healing more than the physical, then I need to do the same, so I do that by listening, truly hearing people.
Your most valuable gift you can give someone is your time because you can never replenish it, restore it, get it back or exchange it.. it's simply there one time shot. So, if I sit here and try to understand you and let you in on who I am and what's important to me.. I am doing that on purpose because from what I've discovered you need to know I am a safe secure person... and on a few extremely rare occasions I've found the person that flipped it around on me and suddenly I was telling them things and relying on them because they proved to me they cared.. sometimes in an alarmingly fast pace... But, they are also the people I am more loyal to and more willing to go out of my way to help or touch base with.. because they have established that I am important to them, so they are important in return to me.
I mean think about it.. at least for me I am always amazed and shocked, and feel this surge of love and care from someone when they remember something random and obscure I said, when they remember a day that is important to me, when they can look at me and tell the emotions I'm feeling because of the situation because they chose to listen to me talk about it...
I mean lets be honest.. there are times we forget, don't have time, can't remember, whatever... things happen and things come up, but when you choose to make that a habit, you're telling those around you they are unimportant to you and whatever task or other person you're focused on is actually more important.. that's terrible to do that to people. When you have an agenda and you choose to make that your focus instead, and choose to hear what you want instead of understand what they are saying... That's an awful feeling.
When you don't listen, when you don't truly hear, when you don't care enough to remember... all those point to you not thinking that the person is important enough to remember or give your time to... That's one of the worst feelings, trust me I know.
To this day I hate repeating myself.. I'm not talking about telling different people the same story, it's new to them so it's not the same. I'm talking about telling the same person more than once cause they either couldn't hear me, didn't understand, I reverted to my childhood inability to tell linear stories, or they just weren't listening... But now I get more upset if they just aren't listening and ask me to repeat several times, I get annoyed if it's too loud and they can't understand... but I get over that quickly.
Here's my philosophy...
If you don't want to listen, don't have the time to listen or whatever.. don't ask me a question.
If you are busy or can't hear me or whatever... tell me to hold on a minute.
If you figure out you're not understanding me, not getting my point or whatever.. questions are strongly encouraged.. sometimes they help me realize I missed essentials in my story (again I truly do struggle with linear thinking), so even if I get annoyed a bit it really does help.
But, don't bother asking me a question if you aren't listening to me.. and I WILL get frustrated if you choose to make no effort in understanding what I'm saying.. truly HEARING me.. I don't expect anyone to understand everything, comprehend, get it without asking.. I mean after all you can't read my mind... But, when no effort to understand and truly HEAR me is made I get frustrated quickly.
I go to extensive lengths to understand people, to find out what makes them tick, know what's important to them, get their sense of humor, find common ground with them.. those things are important to me because they are each parts to a puzzle and all lead to me being able to love them better. It allows me to show them their importance to me, it gives me the best chance of showing them Jesus. If Jesus cared enough to understand that sometimes the emotional and spiritual was what needed the healing more than the physical, then I need to do the same, so I do that by listening, truly hearing people.
Your most valuable gift you can give someone is your time because you can never replenish it, restore it, get it back or exchange it.. it's simply there one time shot. So, if I sit here and try to understand you and let you in on who I am and what's important to me.. I am doing that on purpose because from what I've discovered you need to know I am a safe secure person... and on a few extremely rare occasions I've found the person that flipped it around on me and suddenly I was telling them things and relying on them because they proved to me they cared.. sometimes in an alarmingly fast pace... But, they are also the people I am more loyal to and more willing to go out of my way to help or touch base with.. because they have established that I am important to them, so they are important in return to me.
I mean think about it.. at least for me I am always amazed and shocked, and feel this surge of love and care from someone when they remember something random and obscure I said, when they remember a day that is important to me, when they can look at me and tell the emotions I'm feeling because of the situation because they chose to listen to me talk about it...
I mean lets be honest.. there are times we forget, don't have time, can't remember, whatever... things happen and things come up, but when you choose to make that a habit, you're telling those around you they are unimportant to you and whatever task or other person you're focused on is actually more important.. that's terrible to do that to people. When you have an agenda and you choose to make that your focus instead, and choose to hear what you want instead of understand what they are saying... That's an awful feeling.
When you don't listen, when you don't truly hear, when you don't care enough to remember... all those point to you not thinking that the person is important enough to remember or give your time to... That's one of the worst feelings, trust me I know.
Mar 6, 2009
You're important...
I love saying to people "will you be my friend?" "I'm glad we're friends" "can we be friends tomorrow?" "why aren't you my friend?" usually these are always said to people I am good friends with or people who we are close but haven't gotten the chance to hang out much. I love watching their reactions after I've said that because it usually is confusion mixed with a recognition of humor...
But really, the reason I love this saying is that it's a humorous way of letting someone know they are important to me and I care for them.. aka I love them :) I enjoy a lot the small things in letting people know they are important.
I also really like making a point to ask people how they are before I go any further in the conversation either on the phone or otherwise.. And I'm fairly certain I've said this before, but I enjoy their reactions.. my favorite is when like my one friend laughs and it catches him off guard cause they're used to being asked what's going on or what's up.. which is an entirely different question.
I enjoy things like the other night where I spent HOURS and lots of money preparing to have all these beautiful friends of mine come over and have a spa/girls night.. it was wonderful and they laughed and we ate way more fruit and fondue than we should have lol .... but it's fun and I love those things. I'm not very good at accepting it in return though :) A few have figured out what I need, and I'm fairly selective on my reliance back on others, in part because I've decided to focus on what I can do to help others instead of what I need to "feel ok".. I'm not as concerned about that, I don't want my reactions and my life to be about how I feel. But more about what I know is important... My friends are important. My family is important. Those that don't know Jesus are important. You are important.
If for no other reason or you don't feel like you are or you're right now at this very moment doubting... Jesus loves you, and that means more than you realize.
But really, the reason I love this saying is that it's a humorous way of letting someone know they are important to me and I care for them.. aka I love them :) I enjoy a lot the small things in letting people know they are important.
I also really like making a point to ask people how they are before I go any further in the conversation either on the phone or otherwise.. And I'm fairly certain I've said this before, but I enjoy their reactions.. my favorite is when like my one friend laughs and it catches him off guard cause they're used to being asked what's going on or what's up.. which is an entirely different question.
I enjoy things like the other night where I spent HOURS and lots of money preparing to have all these beautiful friends of mine come over and have a spa/girls night.. it was wonderful and they laughed and we ate way more fruit and fondue than we should have lol .... but it's fun and I love those things. I'm not very good at accepting it in return though :) A few have figured out what I need, and I'm fairly selective on my reliance back on others, in part because I've decided to focus on what I can do to help others instead of what I need to "feel ok".. I'm not as concerned about that, I don't want my reactions and my life to be about how I feel. But more about what I know is important... My friends are important. My family is important. Those that don't know Jesus are important. You are important.
If for no other reason or you don't feel like you are or you're right now at this very moment doubting... Jesus loves you, and that means more than you realize.
Mar 3, 2009
Whatever You Do...
"Whatever you do, do it well." That's a pretty ambiguous statement, makes sense.. but what about the fact that every day I have a million thoughts of things I have to do...
My meeting tomorrow, the event coming up, the agenda to create, the logo to approve, the dry erase board that needs to be updated, the calendar that needs to be updated, the advertisements that need to be created, the impending laundry that I loath, the church activities, the hours upon hours of driving, the letters I should've wrote last week so need to write this week, the emails I haven't returned, the doctors appointments I need to make, the gym time I need to have, the bills I need to pay, the friends I need to call, the shopping I've been putting off, the journal entries I've neglected, the sleep I wish I'd gotten, the friend who needs my time, the friends I wish I had more time with, the people I want to get to know, the time I need with Jesus, the daily Bible reading I committed to, the book I'd rather be reading.. etc..etc.. See? This is a fraction of my thoughts every day..
Obviously the first and pretty much only important one is Jesus my Sweet Savior. He has to be first in everything I do. Ever aspect of my goals and my daily tasks have to be compared to Him and what He's tasked me to do. The biggest and most important task I've been given is the same as everyone else.. Love God, Love others. Simple.. but then you contrast that with the feelings of urgency.. Obviously my list can get tiring just reading it..
How do I possibly prioritize it all? Honestly I don't know... When I actually write it down or hear someone else talk about all the things I do, I get overwhelmed lol
How do I contrast my insanely long list of things to do with my never ending quest to be perfect? I mean ultimately these things will all get juggled expertly for a little while, then slowly little by little they begin to get lost and fall to the ground. So, how do I become the "Proverbs 31 Woman" ? haha I dunno.. I'm still figuring it out, but obviously she is no lazy bumpkin who just does whatever. She is determined, stubborn, always learning, and driven. I want to be like that... not tired, lazy, and unsure.
I want to be graceful in every situation, learning and growing through both good and bad situations and times, I want to handle rough times with good composure, and take great times with an attitude of humbleness... I want to learn from friends when they don't realize they're speaking to my heart, and I want to unknowingly encourage others by the way I live my life. I want to live a life worth living and Love a God I'm not worthy to Love. I want to be exactly who I was created to be and accomplish the tasks I was given by my Sweet Loving Savior.. There's really nothing better than that...
A while ago I had a friend ask me (cause his mom asked him) "If your whole life's purpose was to save one soul, and that was it. Is that enough for you?" My first reaction (as was his) was "uhm, nope, not even close." But, then his mom said something that you can't help but listen to "Who are you to tell God what's good enough and what's a worthy enough purpose?"..... Dang. It caused both he and I to pause and think for sure..
So, I really just need to accomplish the goal my Jesus has given to me, regardless of what I want or think is important.. I need Him and His purpose more. There's something comforting about that idea.. less complicated. :)
My meeting tomorrow, the event coming up, the agenda to create, the logo to approve, the dry erase board that needs to be updated, the calendar that needs to be updated, the advertisements that need to be created, the impending laundry that I loath, the church activities, the hours upon hours of driving, the letters I should've wrote last week so need to write this week, the emails I haven't returned, the doctors appointments I need to make, the gym time I need to have, the bills I need to pay, the friends I need to call, the shopping I've been putting off, the journal entries I've neglected, the sleep I wish I'd gotten, the friend who needs my time, the friends I wish I had more time with, the people I want to get to know, the time I need with Jesus, the daily Bible reading I committed to, the book I'd rather be reading.. etc..etc.. See? This is a fraction of my thoughts every day..
Obviously the first and pretty much only important one is Jesus my Sweet Savior. He has to be first in everything I do. Ever aspect of my goals and my daily tasks have to be compared to Him and what He's tasked me to do. The biggest and most important task I've been given is the same as everyone else.. Love God, Love others. Simple.. but then you contrast that with the feelings of urgency.. Obviously my list can get tiring just reading it..
How do I possibly prioritize it all? Honestly I don't know... When I actually write it down or hear someone else talk about all the things I do, I get overwhelmed lol
How do I contrast my insanely long list of things to do with my never ending quest to be perfect? I mean ultimately these things will all get juggled expertly for a little while, then slowly little by little they begin to get lost and fall to the ground. So, how do I become the "Proverbs 31 Woman" ? haha I dunno.. I'm still figuring it out, but obviously she is no lazy bumpkin who just does whatever. She is determined, stubborn, always learning, and driven. I want to be like that... not tired, lazy, and unsure.
I want to be graceful in every situation, learning and growing through both good and bad situations and times, I want to handle rough times with good composure, and take great times with an attitude of humbleness... I want to learn from friends when they don't realize they're speaking to my heart, and I want to unknowingly encourage others by the way I live my life. I want to live a life worth living and Love a God I'm not worthy to Love. I want to be exactly who I was created to be and accomplish the tasks I was given by my Sweet Loving Savior.. There's really nothing better than that...
A while ago I had a friend ask me (cause his mom asked him) "If your whole life's purpose was to save one soul, and that was it. Is that enough for you?" My first reaction (as was his) was "uhm, nope, not even close." But, then his mom said something that you can't help but listen to "Who are you to tell God what's good enough and what's a worthy enough purpose?"..... Dang. It caused both he and I to pause and think for sure..
So, I really just need to accomplish the goal my Jesus has given to me, regardless of what I want or think is important.. I need Him and His purpose more. There's something comforting about that idea.. less complicated. :)
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