Dec 2, 2008

Vulnerable

vul⋅ner⋅a⋅ble

[vuhl-ner-uh-buhl] –adjective
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.

This describes how I'm feeling. I've had several people ask yesterday and today how I'm doing.. and a couple I gave the brief 30 second answer cause that was clearly all they wanted. A couple I gave the 2 minutes synopsis of how I'm feeling before they got distracted.. and I rarely bring it back up if they don't remember to return to it.. And then there were the precious couple that asked, listened, and asked for clarification, then sat and listened intently as I stumbled through my thoughts and struggled for words to describe an accurate picture of my heart.

I'm not a fan of being vulnerable because it leaves so much out there waiting to be smashed and stepped on... especially by the unknowing or uncaring. And, I spend so much of my time trying to be strong for others that I don't know how to let others take care of me when it truly matters. The worst is when people by a few flippant words or sarcastic comment hurt you when you're trying to be vulnerable. But, interestingly enough that hasn't happened like I was braced for this time. I was surprised last night by the people who first asked me to share, then asked guiding questions, and lovingly and compassionately tried to hear what I was saying and offer comments and thoughts. Today I was asked how I was doing, and I laughed said well, but was having a hard time describing how I felt.. and instead of the typical "you'll figure it out.." they made time to hear me.. and when we ran out of time they scheduled when we could talk again. I can't express how loved that makes me feel. For someone who is a quality time and touch person.. that's.. there is no price for reactions like that. It's humbling when people express that amount of love towards me, because often I ramble when I'm trying to process and it causes me to revert back to being unable to talk in a linear patterns, which can be frustrating and confusing for some people... and I KNOW I'm doing it but I can't get my mind to work through my thoughts in a linear pattern, so I continue to process in sporadic patterns.

I'm trying so desperately to figure out what God is trying to tell me before the daily grind causes my heart to forget what I feel now. I want to get as much out of it as possible. I mean common if I asked for this.. if I asked to have my heart broken and God to truly touch me because I needed that from him... and he DOES it.. How could I simply let it slip away without doing everything in my power to scribble it onto my heart permanently? What a waste it would be to simply let the feelings pass and chalk it up to another "mountaintop experience."

I don't want to live my life giving God 10% of whatever and hoping he uses it. I want to live my life giving him every ounce of everything I can, and at the end of the day when I'm exhausted knowing God will bless what I've given him because it's everything I had.

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