I Miss...

For some reason today I really miss Africa.. I am pretty sure it has to do with the fact that a few pictures that I had never seen were posted on Facebook by one of the friends that went to Ghana with me... But, regardless I really miss Africa today. And, to share that with you, here are a few pictures.. Old, but mean the same to me :)

I didn't realize he had taken this picture, but I love it.

A boy had shut his heel in a door and gashed it pretty badly.

"Face" painting.

Thanksgiving morning after we scaled an iron gate to get out of the hotel and head for the beach for the sunrise.

A treetop tour. Me taking pictures of a sweet view.

My friend cuddling with this boy.. Albert didn't get down for almost 2 hours.

Another picture I didn't know he'd taken... The kids just wanted to be as close as possible, touch us, and have us respond to anything they said...

I miss this.

Happy Hodge Podge...

So, my best friend from home came down Saturday to visit... She'll be here til Friday. I cannot express to you how excited I was to have her come, and now that she's here, to show her around, introduce her to all my friends, show her my church, and of course talk and talk and talk until we fall asleep.. only to restart the next day :) We laugh like crazy and just really enjoy being around each other, especially since it's been so long since we could just hang out without an agenda or having to cram everything into a couple hours. It's been so much fun introducing her to my friends and hearing her perspectives on them, in part because she's heard so much about all of them before she came down, but also because she knows me so well, that she has such an interesting point of view and insight into interactions and the different people. I love it. Part of what I love so much, is how much she truly is enjoying it, and she loves everyone that I do... which is always sooo nice to have your best friend have the same opinion of it all :)

Yesterday I spoke for our Sunday School class. I spoke about Ghana... Gloria (the other girl on the trip) spoke basically about the logistics of the trip, and how it came about. How everything worked out and how our team came to be basically. She made a quick comment about how she was just really blessed to see our group become a team because of how short of a time we knew each other. Then I spoke. And, I'm not gonna lie.. I had NO idea what I was gonna speak on until I started actually speaking. I mean I was asked to share about the trip, in an effort to encourage people to be more passionate about missions.. of any sort. Awesome, do you realize how many different options that left me in terms of sharing about the trip? I mean seriously, I could have just told one story after another, I could have talked about what I learned, I could have shared funny things that happened or things that were scary. I could have done anything.. I could have easily spoken about it for hours..

But, as I opened my mouth and began from the beginning my mind went nutzo.. I mean inside my head I was ping ponging all over the place replaying things I did, saw, heard, felt etc..etc.. And, yet somehow it all came out perfectly clear and linear! haha Go me!... Actually no, not at all.. Go God because it was clear about 30 seconds in that what I was sharing wasn't what I had planned.. or not planned I guess. I really had no intention of sharing half the things I shared, but as I looked out at the people sitting there watching and listening to me, I just felt compelled to be very real and honest. I wanted them to truly just understand. I wanted them to realize how much things like this change your life... But, they're rarely easy.

So, I started out I guess from the beginning.. although I didn't talk logistics at all. And, to be totally honest I can't remember most of what I said, which is how I know it was exactly what God wanted me to share :) Throughout the course of the talk I shared about how everything we had planned fell through once we got there, and we did "Crusades" instead, and how completely and totally uncomfortable I was with that whole concept. That I felt like I needed to "earn" the right to tell them about Jesus.. which is why I am so much more comfortable with working until I'm so totally exhausted that I need another vacation. However, we weren't able to do that, we basically just shared Jesus the whole time... Which obviously serves a purpose, but it also is extremely hard for someone like me to do just that. I talked about the children and how we interacted with them and how much they just wanted us to be close to them and to have our attention.

I explained how the whole 6 weeks prior to the trip I essentially pleaded with God to show Himself to me, to be in my face talking to me, and I told Him all I wanted to Him, to see Him and feel Him and just really be reminded of Him. Then I explained how the last night I was there Gloria and Matt had already left, and I was in my room sorta packing things up getting ready for the last day and just sorta griping to God about how I hadn't seen or felt Him in any extraordinary way. He hadn't shown Himself to me like I'd asked and I was very frustrated cause I couldn't point to anything specific about the trip where I saw Him. Then Jon came in and gave me a note and a rock that Gloria had left him to give me, and after reading it, for whatever reason it hit me and suddenly I saw God. Not because she said anything specific, in fact she'd essentially shared yesterday what she left in my note about how blessed she was to see our group form on the trip. And, for whatever reason my heart broke. I began then bleeding from my chest to the pit of my stomach and I could feel it. I explained how it went on for a month, that almost every night I cried myself to sleep and I hurt so incredibly badly that all I wanted was Jesus.. I didn't want to get up in the mornings, all I wanted was to be with Him. I explained how I felt Him more viscerally than I ever had in my entire life, and I really felt like He was allowing me the chance to see how much He aches and hurts for those who don't know Him. Whether it's cause they've never heard, they don't care, don't want to hear, heard but are to hurt to hear.. whatever the reason my heart aches for them... Which says a lot because Compassion is not my "strongest spiritual gift."

I think overall it went really well, after I was done speaking, I showed the video I made from the trip, and another one I made from another friend's trip. The thing that was the hardest about all of it, was that about half way through I seriously began to struggle speaking. I had to take a minute and pull myself together cause I thought I was gonna cry. I had a bunch of people crying, and that didn't effect me, but for some reason I suddenly in the middle was over come by the emotions of it all and my throat seized. It took me a while to pull myself through, and I didn't end up crying.. which is good :) But, I also didn't look at my close friends that were there cause I knew they were reacting and I didn't want that to make my reaction worse. That was a very unexpected reaction on my part.. I did not think it would be that big of a deal so long later... Whew!

So, in case there's any question, my calling in life is to "Love people for Jesus" but my passion is foreign missions.

Dancing...

So, last night I heard a perfect description of what I feel my walk with Jesus looks like or at least should BE like. Dr. Caner explained that a mature Christian isn't measured by what they say or do when things are good, but what they say or do when things are bad.

He described it as dancing in the pitch darkness because of knowing the light will come.

That sounds so simple and easy. The vivid picture I have in my head describes it perfectly, I wish you could see what I see... :)

It says several places in the Bible that God is "a lamp unto our feet" often times, I think I want this million watt halogen spotlight so I can SEE where I'm walking... I dunno how you see your walk, but I've always imagined my walk being through a jungle because even with a lamp, you're still fairly limited on your ability to see beyond straight forward and straight behind you... You can really only see for a short way, and in some cases the lamp light is only JUST enough to see the next step.. one step at a time... Plus, jungles always bring an element of adventure and excitement for me.. and since I see my life that way, it makes sense to see my life as walking through a jungle haha!

But, what if I have no "lamp unto my feet" and all I can see is nothing.. no light, no lamp, no jungle.. no hand waving in front of my face? All I know is where I've been and what I've been told. What if I don't feel like walking or dancing? I mean for those of you who know me I am constantly laughing.. I laugh at everything, pretty much whether it's funny or not.. but usually it's cause I actually think it's funny. My laugh is one of my most distinctive features I have based off what others tell me... And, if you've been around me for any length of time it becomes quickly apparent that I move.. a lot. Arm gestures, hand motions.. I pretty much involve my whole body when I'm talking or listening... Especially if I'm excited, I mean I literally will jump and dance around haha.. watch me cook in the kitchen lol I tend to dance while I cook... or if I don't, I slide around the kitchen utilizing the slippery floor and my socks.. I have no qualms about dancing when I hear music, regardless of who's around.. and my favorite is trying to get others to dance retarded with me... there's something freeing about knowing you look stupid but not caring and doing it anyway :) ... The secret that no one knows is, people look at you wishing they were there doing it too because obviously it's fun... ;)

...So, what about when I don't FEEL like dancing? When I'm tired, bored, angry, hurt, depressed, numb, stressed, busy... Does Jesus still get the beautiful me he created?.. No, not really. Not all the time. I wish desperately I could say yes, but I'm still trying to figure this out, so I can't say yes right now. What I can say is, I have come SO FAR. I remember times when I avoided God cause I didn't get whatever he was doing.. I am so thankful that I've passed the time of blaming God or giving Him the cold shoulder because I didn't like how He was doing things. I feel like I'm JUST starting to enter the time when I dance regardless of how I feel.

I want to Love my Jesus regardless. I want to be consistent and faithful. I want to Love others when I don't feel like it. I want to dance even when I don't understand.

I think it's interesting that Caner used this illustration because that's how I describe my time in Ghana. I describe what God did, and how I felt as though I was dancing and it was beautiful and unrestrained, and just for Him. So, I have such a vivid picture in my mind of what that looks like.. but also what that feels like, because if you scan back through my blog in December, it was rough.. God did a lot, and I hurt more seriously and viscerally than I have ever.. It wasn't the same hurt as being shunned, betrayed, or anything like that.. this was purely for my heart to cut some things off and mold a few areas differently.. man was it painful, but I also knew it was wonderful and beautiful, and ultimately was the next step to do what I was created to do.. And THAT assurance makes it worth it.. it puts the beauty in the dance. It creates the passion behind the moves...

Whether you realize it or not, God is constant, consistent, omnipresent, and He Loves you.. Therefore dancing in the midst of darkness makes sense because we have hope, and not the "wishful thinking" type hope, but the solid fact and the knowledge that rescue is coming because He promised. So, without a doubt light has to come because it was promised to us... Your movie has a good ending, that's why sad endings feel wrong.. because as Christians we have that good ending, even if we die and our physical ending isn't good.. our actual ending is Heaven with Jesus... The good guy wins... That's our good ending :)

Confidence

So, last night I had quite an amusing conversation with a couple friends after campus church. (which btw was amazing and you should itunes it under Liberty University, then campus church)... Anyway, somehow we started talking about confidence and one of the girls pointed out I don't struggle with that. I just busted out laughing and was like "clearly you don't know me..." which caused her to seriously STOP and just look at me for a bit, then she asked... "Do you struggle with confidence all the time?" That little statement got me thinking...

What is confidence?.. Dictionary.com says that it's "noun - full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing." Nowhere in that statement does it indicate that can't include a nervous feeling too...

Because here's the thing, I act confident virtually all the time because I do believe in my God, my abilities, my education, my training, etc..etc.. but, that doesn't mean that inside I'm not nervous about meeting someone new or re-meeting someone I've only met once and have no idea if they'll remember me or being in a situation where I don't know what to expect. I get nervous for those things, but when push comes to shove I'll act despite my feelings.

A couple examples...

Meeting a complete stranger. I'm not talking about randomly bumping into someone and being nervous about it, I'm more talking about being somewhere like Sunday school and seeing a new person.. Essentially I have two options.. ignore them as if I don't see them or act like I don't realize I don't know them... or introduce myself. I virtually always choose to introduce myself. Why? Because chances are they are feeling awkward and nervous too.. and since I've been going long enough now I pretty much know who the new people are, which means they probably don't know anyone/many people. I've never once had someone be rude when I've gone out of my way to introduce myself... Virtually every time that I can remember it made a significant difference to them that I did that, and you can usually see their comfort level increase.. It's pretty cool :) But, regardless.. I still feel nervous about it, I just choose to act anyway, as though I don't.

You see I've begun to realize there are always going to be those uncertain feelings, but people who give into the uncertain feelings are never the people who change the world. It's the people who rely on what they know to be true that change the world.. They are the ones who realize, God is good and always there for you, you have the training/experience to back it up, sometimes just letting go and going with it can be the best most freeing solution.... and to experience those things you begin to realize it's not ever as bad as we work it up to be in our mind.. haha.. wonderful!

Another prime example...

Going to Ghana Africa over Thanksgiving. Let me detail out for you the process by which things happened (or in a lot of cases didn't)... I met Gl0ria (who was planning the trip) in the middle of October on the roof of a house we were helping to re-roof. We just carried on general chit-chat, until we began talking about missions trips.. she told me how she was going to Ghana Africa for the week of Thanksgiving.. and my response "I'm more than a little bitter that you're getting to go and I'm not..." so she responded "Come with me. Seriously we're meeting tomorrow to discuss finances.." So I told her I'd think about it and we'd go from there... The next day I met with them and met Jon (one of two guys going).. we talked about the trip and they both acted as though I was going ... Then I found out I had to decide by Wednesday (with it currently being Sunday).. ooooh dang.. So I began praying like crazy, called my dad and asked how I could give it to God in such a way that he would either clearly say yes or clearly say no. God clearly said yes. So I decided to go with 6 weeks til take off, and no actual money in my hands.. or anyone's hands actually. We needed $8,000 as a team and had roughly $0.. haha.. oh man. We did a few fund raisers, our first one brought in over $600!.. Then things kept coming up like needing a yellow fever shot.. which we found out a week in a half before we were to leave.. Monday (we were heading to Maryland Thursday) we got the shots.. but still had no visas.. and technically no passports either cause they were with the visas in Washington D.C... Oh, and as of Monday we had roughly $5000 of our needed $8000.. and have I mentioned yet that I hadn't met the guy leading the trip, and had only met Matt the other guy.. twice. How do you not feel nervous about a trip in a country you've never been to under these circumstances?

Literally THE DAY Jon and I were leaving (we were heading to Maryland the night before our scheduled departure day to stay with his family so they could take us to the airport), we got our passports and visas in the mail! I had to leave for Amsterdam 2 hours before the rest of the team (which at this point I still hadn't met the guy leading the trip) because our travel agent for whatever reason didn't schedule me at the same time.. Once in Amsterdam I for some reason couldn't communicate that I needed to know where the rest of the team was flying in and kept getting sent to the wrong gate (although according to them the plane was either already in, or delayed 2 hours!)... Again how do you not feel nervous about a situation where you are hours from departing to Ghana Africa.. have NO idea who your contact person is, or what the plan is at that point, and every time you ask the front desk about the rest of your team.. you get a different answer. I had no choice but to act confident.

After 3 unsuccessful tries I was in line again to once again try and explain what my situation was.. and I look down the hall and see Jon walking towards me. haha The wave of relief I felt is really hard to explain, I'm fairly certain he doesn't even understands how happy I was to see him! We hugged and exchanged stories about how excited we were and how he knew where to find me and what I was doing.. He took me back introduced me to Wayne who was leading our trip, and it was at that point that it was explained to me we would be doing evangelism in Ghana... no actual service project. Hmm.. ok, let me explain to you how completely unlike me it is to do evangelism... I NEVER feel comfortable doing it. I sorta feel like I should do something for them first to earn the right to tell them about my Jesus. But, nope that wasn't included in the itinerary... Haha.. Given that I'm already in Amsterdam, 3 hours from departure to Ghana for a week, I essentially have two options...

1. Act nervous and make others nervous. Bring up all the things I am unsure about and not confident about... potentially risking putting that in the heads of the people around me...

or...

2. Act confident and pray a lot about the fact that I didn't like the idea that we were planning "crusades" and I didn't know how to evangelize the Ghanaian people.

And the great thing is, I'm so glad I went because it changed my life forever. I am simply not the same person. I would do everything over again, I would go again or do something as equally scary just to experience anything close to what I did. God was so good.. but I was nervous and uncertain the whole time.. but I chose to act as though God was moving my steps anyway.. and I'm so thankful I did :)

You see, outwardly I seemed confident and I seemed excited. But, inwardly I was sooo nervous and scared that things were gonna turn out terribly. But you see, the bottom line is it's out of my control anyway. It either will or it won't work out, either way God's got it.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." - Hebrews 10:23

So, if you ever wonder.. chances are I feel nervous, or uncertain, or scared, or have butterflies in my stomach, but I've realized that all the great things that are worth anything in life require me to act anyway. That's what makes them feel so great once you've done it, because you didn't know if you could, but then it happened and God showed up and it's amazing :) And sometimes acting confident is what someone else needs to see... and that too makes it worth it... So, a lot of times I act confident not because I am, but because the other choice isn't really a choice at all, but a way of living in fear of what "might be" and since my God is so big.. why would I choose to live in fear?

Ghana

Here is a video with maybe half of the pictures from Ghana.



I hope you can see what I saw, and begin to see with your heart why this so dramatically shifted my heart.

Vulnerable

vul⋅ner⋅a⋅ble

  /ˈvʌlnərəbəl/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [vuhl-ner-uh-buhl] –adjective

1.	capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.

2.	open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.

3.	(of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.

This describes how I'm feeling. I've had several people ask yesterday and today how I'm doing.. and a couple I gave the brief 30 second answer cause that was clearly all they wanted. A couple I gave the 2 minutes synopsis of how I'm feeling before they got distracted.. and I rarely bring it back up if they don't remember to return to it.. And then there were the precious couple that asked, listened, and asked for clarification, then sat and listened intently as I stumbled through my thoughts and struggled for words to describe an accurate picture of my heart. I'm not a fan of being vulnerable because it leaves so much out there waiting to be smashed and stepped on... especially by the unknowing or uncaring. And, I spend so much of my time trying to be strong for others that I don't know how to let others take care of me when it truly matters. The worst is when people by a few flippant words or sarcastic comment hurt you when you're trying to be vulnerable. But, interestingly enough that hasn't happened like I was braced for this time. I was surprised last night by the people who first asked me to share, then asked guiding questions, and lovingly and compassionately tried to hear what I was saying and offer comments and thoughts. Today I was asked how I was doing, and I laughed said well, but was having a hard time describing how I felt.. and instead of the typical "you'll figure it out.." they made time to hear me.. and when we ran out of time they scheduled when we could talk again. I can't express how loved that makes me feel. For someone who is a quality time and touch person.. that's.. there is no price for reactions like that. It's humbling when people express that amount of love towards me, because often I ramble when I'm trying to process and it causes me to revert back to being unable to talk in a linear patterns, which can be frustrating and confusing for some people... and I KNOW I'm doing it but I can't get my mind to work through my thoughts in a linear pattern, so I continue to process in sporadic patterns. I'm trying so desperately to figure out what God is trying to tell me before the daily grind causes my heart to forget what I feel now. I want to get as much out of it as possible. I mean common if I asked for this.. if I asked to have my heart broken and God to truly touch me because I needed that from him... and he DOES it.. How could I simply let it slip away without doing everything in my power to scribble it onto my heart permanently? What a waste it would be to simply let the feelings pass and chalk it up to another "mountaintop experience." I don't want to live my life giving God 10% of whatever and hoping he uses it. I want to live my life giving him every ounce of everything I can, and at the end of the day when I'm exhausted knowing God will bless what I've given him because it's everything I had.

My Crying Heart

At some point I will post a bunch of stories from Ghana.. but for now I just need to talk about my crying heart cause that's what I feel most right now...

When people ask how Africa went I have such a conflict of emotions.. The trip went so well, I loved it, it was different than any trip I've ever done, the team was awesome, I learned things I wasn't expecting, and I watched as Jesus showed up in the little things and big things... And then there's the part where I hurt so terribly inside that I don't want to do anything but cry. Me, the girl who hardly ever cries.. all I want to do right now is cry. Anytime anyone asks about Africa I have to push aside how I feel and the sudden urge to cry and say it went well (which it did). 

The real kicker is I asked Jesus to break my heart and to truly show up so I could FEEL him. And man o man did he do that! But, what I wasn't expecting is to have him do it in a way I can't explain. I have no words for how or why I'm feeling this way. I've never, not once felt this way after leaving a mission trip.. Granted every single time I want to stay, I don't want to go home, and I don't really miss those from home.. But, then I go home and I am so excited to be there and sharing everything with those from home.

The only way I can describe it is my heart is crying. I feel like it's in pieces and broken in my hands, and it's an incredibly vulnerable place to be at the moment because all I want to do is hide with Jesus. I don't want to talk about how I'm feeling. I don't want to tell people about my trip. I don't want to go back to my daily life... All I want to do is proclaim Jesus to those who don't understand his love and righteousness. The thing that I feel just as strongly now is that I can't do that alone. I NEED community and to work as a team, and I feel like I finally understand why.. The whole idea of needing the body of Christ was portrayed CLEARLY for me on this trip. Especially in situations where any one of us could have done something specific and it not be a big deal.. but when I decided to take a back seat to the rest of the group and choose to let them lead in different situations.. we worked flawlessly as a group. Not that I couldn't have done it or they didn't want me to, just that it worked better when we chose to take on different tasks to let Jesus shine. It's the concept that so much more can happen when no one cares who gets the credit... 

Right now at this moment I am hurting. I feel like I'm broken. I have no idea where I'm supposed to focus my attention to. I have no goal to aim towards. I now more than ever despise the typical America dream. I want to do everything in my power to make sure Jesus can use me. And in the midst of all of this I feel like I've been crying inside for days now, and I have no idea how to heal it except spending more time with my Sweet Savior...

I know now that I want to do missions, I don't care what kind, I don't care where, I don't care how.. but I do know that I cannot do it alone and while I'm single. I'm not saying I can't or won't do short term mission trips.. but I want missions to be my life, that's the only time I truly feel alive. The best way I can describe it is I feel like I'm dancing unrestrained and in a beautiful way that only God can truly appreciate because it's for him. I am not saying this as another reason I "want to get married and find my person".. Because I am content right now in that area, I feel like nothing will fill my hole like Jesus (which is true), but I know that regardless of how I feel about a guy, I NEED Jesus.. I don't NEED him. I slowly feel like I begin to wither away when I am not close or as close as I'd like to be with Jesus. I've never felt like I'm withering away without a guy in my life.

So, now where am I?.. I am sitting here with my broken, bleeding, crying heart in my hands. I am trying to reconcile the fact that I ASKED for this.. I just expected to know why I'd be feeling this way. I expected to know what caused it, a specific person, a situation etc..etc.. and instead I'm fighting off tears, and pushing forward when all I want to do is curl up and be left alone. I want Jesus and Jesus alone.. The best thing I can think of is the word Hosanna: "Lord save me because You are mighty and sovereign."

I have no words to truly describe how I feel. I have no way to figure it out. I have nothing except Jesus, and that's all that sounds appealing to me right now.

Africa for Thanksgiving!

This Thanksgiving I have the chance to love people for Jesus in a practical way in a place far away. I love when I have opportunities to serve Jesus in unique ways, and I often seek out various methods in which I can express with my actions the love and gratitude I feel towards Jesus. This Thanksgiving I have the chance to go to Ghana Africa to serve on a short term Medical mission trip!

I know that there are things that can be done to serve Jesus here locally, and because of that I regularly participate in my local church, and serve in our community. Serving locally is one of the main reasons I chose to work at Patrick Henry; however, on occasion God provides the amazing opportunity to serve Him overseas.

This Thanksgiving holiday, from November 21 – 28, 2008, I am excited to be working in Ghana, Africa with W.M. Lord Led Missions. Our small team will be helping to plant churches in tribal villages, providing free medical assistance to nationals (the last trip cared for over 300 children and had 1,000 left in line when they ran out of supplies!), planning the addition of a desperately-needed Christian orphanage, and serving in any other area needed.

This trip clearly is a last minute whirlwind of planning and preparation, which is why I desperately need your help both in prayer and financially!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” – Philippians 4:6 Please pray faithfully for physical and spiritual safety, as well as stamina for the packed week of work; for health and healing of those in Ghana; and for lives to be eternally changed.

I need to raise $2,000 for myself, while the team needs a total of $8,000 by November 15^th! Please consider supporting us financially with whatever you can contribute for this mission. Please address checks to WM Lord Led Missions and note that all donations are tax-deductible.

Thank you in advance for your partnership in prayer and support of this ministry. It is truly a blessing to go to experience missions such as these, to share the message that has consumed my life, and to watch as the Holy Spirit use the same truth to radically change the people of Ghana for eternity.

"Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."- John 17:25-26

Blessings,

Krista