So, I was having some serious God time on my way into work today (have I said how much I love my hour drive?!).. I realize the gas it takes to get to and from work every day is a lot.. but I truly love my car time cause it forces me to think.. and that always forces me to talk with God.
My thoughts today centered around What do I desire?... I sorta listen to the same 3 songs every morning (that is if I feel in the mood to hear anything beyond the tires on the road). But, these songs never get old.. Desert Song, Hosanna, and Came to my Rescue.. Today I listened to them as well as Facedown, and just sorta let my mind wander. Once the songs were over, I shut the radio off and I just started talking to God.. I wanted him to hear me and know what I was thinking.. (Obviously he does, but it means more when I actually tell him..)
So, here are my thoughts. I want to KNOW God, and I don't mean just have the head knowledge.. I want to experience Him. I want to be so in His face that regardless of how I'm feeling, angry, sad, happy, joyful, tired, numb, restless, excited, worried, troubled.. anything I want to be in His face whether I'm happy, shouting, crying, whispering, or simply just sitting. I want Him to guide my steps. I need Him, and I truly mean NEED. I feel empty when I'm not close to Him, I feel sluggish and as though I'm dizzy and disoriented. See the thing is, I feel the pull "from the world".. but it doesn't compare to how I feel when I'm in God's face. I want to be David (only without the murder and adultery.. or being a guy :) etc..etc..), I don't want my emotions and what I'm currently fixated on to get in the way of my speaking to my Sweet Savior. I desire to be content. I want to be so close to God that He fills my vision, and everything I see is through Him.
When you boil it down.. I just want Jesus.
I want to be content here, right now. I want to love my journey with Him, not just be focused on the goal. I don't want to miss opportunities or experiences because I was too blind to see where I was and what I should have been doing. I want people to SEE Jesus in me, I want there to be no doubt that I love Him. I don't want to be the person ankle deep in the ocean... I want to be the person rolling in the waves.
I want to see myself as God sees me. I don't want to feel like He messed up cause of whatever whatever, I just want to be able to be so in God's face that even when I look at myself I can see the me He intends for me to be... even when I do mess up.
I want to be in a constant state of living outside my comfort zone cause that is the only time I really let go of my skills, abilities, cautions, and just become flexible, mold-able and let God work using me. I love that feeling when you're amazed cause you KNOW you couldn't do it, and yet looking back you realize you didn't. That's when you feel God and know you're alive.
I desire Jesus alone.