So, there are these things called Spiritual gifts.. We are all supposed to posses them, but obviously to varying degrees. I took the test once with about 30 other girls to determine what our spiritual gifts are so we could see how we were the body of Christ and how we could aid each other. The test somehow ranked it all the way up to 100.. so, some girls had very low numbers all the way to very high.. each spiritual gift was put on the same scale. I had two tie with a 94 or 97 (it was a few years ago).. those two were encouraging and leading, followed closely (3 points behind) with teaching.. all the way down to my lowest.. at 64 with.. COMPASSION.. haha.. yeah my lowest spiritual gift is compassion. For those of you that know me it's no real surprise.. but it also explains a lot that it's my lowest at 64..
My mom explained it once when I was distraught at the fact that I felt I couldn't show Jesus with Compassion as my lowest gift.. What she pointed out is it's not that I lack compassion all together, just I am not the type who has compassion for everything. Often I will use my other gifts to help others "get out" of their situation. She said I am very compassionate for things that need it (hurting people) but not so much for people I "deem" not deserving (whiners).. Which is true if you whine suddenly my compassion for your situation is gone and I adopt a "suck it up" attitude...
But, then I asked my Sweet Savior to break my heart and I feel different. I still have the "suck it up" attitude when deserved.. But, I've never looked at someone and felt the pain in my heart. I've never heard someone tell me their story or how they are feeling and felt it in my heart... NEVER, I've never experienced that. At first I thought it was just my heart trying to have something tangible to explain my own hurting.. but then last night a friend said they felt numb, and while I didn't know the exact story (cause I didn't ask) I know enough to know what the topic was.. and I hurt, I mean I physically felt it in my chest. The type of pain and hurt that you feel deep down in your heart when it sinks in that you've lost someone you love... And then today someone was telling me their story and I felt it again. It doesn't last forever (praise Jesus I don't think I could handle that), I don't adopt it as my pain and hold onto it.. But, I've never been empathetic this way before. It's... uhm.. very weird to say the least.
A couple nights ago I was talking to a friend and he was telling me how he doesn't feel at all.. he just feels completely numb against God.. Not cause he hates God, but because he's wandered away slowly.. and can't feel Him anymore. I wish I could let him glimpse how I'm feeling. Let it wash over his heart for a moment. Not because I've made it and not because I feel I can solve his problems.. but because I've been there, where I was just going through the motions because I knew I needed to... but I didn't FEEL Jesus at all. I knew He was there because of past experiences, and I knew He was going to be there if I fell.. But, I wasn't feeling Him. I can't describe to you how much I wish I could open his eyes and show my friend the sunset I see...
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