Ok, so I realize my last several posts have been fairly heavy and serious.. but, as of right now that's what I have so this one will be pretty much the same..
So, it's Saturday.. at this point a week ago I was loading onto a plane in Amsterdam to take the last flight and I'd finally be back in the US. I was tired both physically, emotionally, and spiritually.. The weird thing is my heart still feels exactly like it did then. Last night I got to hang out with the people from the trip and it was so nice.. they get it. They were there. We laughed and talked and looked at some pictures and it was good. It felt like the relief you feel when you put a soothing cream on a burn.. it suddenly doesn't hurt so bad.
It was good that was yesterday cause when I woke up in the morning yesterday I was surprised by how suddenly severe my heart hurt... I seriously wish at this point that I could explain it.. I wish I could give a reason. I'm not sure anyone is quite understanding, especially since I can't explain why.. And, lets be honest I can't even really explain what it is. I do know I've never felt this strong of a visceral reaction from God when I asked for something. I mean I've had answers to prayers and I've felt him before.. But I've never felt it for this long, and I've never been at a loss for words on how to explain it.
What the heck is wrong with me?..
A WEEK LATER and I still feel crushed by the heaviness of my heart. I still want to cry for nothing. I still have the overwhelming desire to just drop everything and leave, go back, go somewhere new.. anything really. The weird thing is it has nothing to do with here.. or home.. I am good at what I do, and I can be here just like anywhere else.. But, for whatever reason I was not MADE for this, here, or home. I don't know why, and I'm sorry for those of you who keep taking it personal when I say I don't want to be here. This has nothing to do with you. This clearly has everything to do with me and me alone. God is speaking to me.. but I feel like right now he's letting me bleed out (in a good way).. You know the type of bleed out where you let the wound bleed for a while so that anything bad would be bled out. That's what I feel like is going on right now.. I'm bleeding so I'll be clean again and be able to heal correctly.
Hmm.. I really hope I figure out soon what's going on, what I'm doing.. and while part of me really hopes that I stop hurting.. part of me is treasuring the fact that a week later I still FEEL it. Especially since I'm not an overly emotional person.. and most of my emotions come and go quickly.. I praise Jesus for my joy despite how I feel.. It's harder to convey joyful right now, but I feel it, it's there.
I want my comfort to be in Jesus.
I want to be guided by Him.
I want to see His plan.
I don't want anything but Him.
I want to know HOW to do these things.
I hate that I have to wait for His timing, which means not right now.
I want Jesus.. that's what I ultimately want cause I feel differently when I have Him. When I feel Jesus my world view is different, I react differently, I see people differently, I have more compassion, and I even see myself differently. It's weird.
I wish so desperately and completely that you get the chance and choose to let Jesus do this for you and in you...
"Seek and you will find.."