When people ask how Africa went I have such a conflict of emotions.. The trip went so well, I loved it, it was different than any trip I've ever done, the team was awesome, I learned things I wasn't expecting, and I watched as Jesus showed up in the little things and big things... And then there's the part where I hurt so terribly inside that I don't want to do anything but cry. Me, the girl who hardly ever cries.. all I want to do right now is cry. Anytime anyone asks about Africa I have to push aside how I feel and the sudden urge to cry and say it went well (which it did).
The real kicker is I asked Jesus to break my heart and to truly show up so I could FEEL him. And man o man did he do that! But, what I wasn't expecting is to have him do it in a way I can't explain. I have no words for how or why I'm feeling this way. I've never, not once felt this way after leaving a mission trip.. Granted every single time I want to stay, I don't want to go home, and I don't really miss those from home.. But, then I go home and I am so excited to be there and sharing everything with those from home.
The only way I can describe it is my heart is crying. I feel like it's in pieces and broken in my hands, and it's an incredibly vulnerable place to be at the moment because all I want to do is hide with Jesus. I don't want to talk about how I'm feeling. I don't want to tell people about my trip. I don't want to go back to my daily life... All I want to do is proclaim Jesus to those who don't understand his love and righteousness. The thing that I feel just as strongly now is that I can't do that alone. I NEED community and to work as a team, and I feel like I finally understand why.. The whole idea of needing the body of Christ was portrayed CLEARLY for me on this trip. Especially in situations where any one of us could have done something specific and it not be a big deal.. but when I decided to take a back seat to the rest of the group and choose to let them lead in different situations.. we worked flawlessly as a group. Not that I couldn't have done it or they didn't want me to, just that it worked better when we chose to take on different tasks to let Jesus shine. It's the concept that so much more can happen when no one cares who gets the credit...
Right now at this moment I am hurting. I feel like I'm broken. I have no idea where I'm supposed to focus my attention to. I have no goal to aim towards. I now more than ever despise the typical America dream. I want to do everything in my power to make sure Jesus can use me. And in the midst of all of this I feel like I've been crying inside for days now, and I have no idea how to heal it except spending more time with my Sweet Savior...
I know now that I want to do missions, I don't care what kind, I don't care where, I don't care how.. but I do know that I cannot do it alone and while I'm single. I'm not saying I can't or won't do short term mission trips.. but I want missions to be my life, that's the only time I truly feel alive. The best way I can describe it is I feel like I'm dancing unrestrained and in a beautiful way that only God can truly appreciate because it's for him. I am not saying this as another reason I "want to get married and find my person".. Because I am content right now in that area, I feel like nothing will fill my hole like Jesus (which is true), but I know that regardless of how I feel about a guy, I NEED Jesus.. I don't NEED him. I slowly feel like I begin to wither away when I am not close or as close as I'd like to be with Jesus. I've never felt like I'm withering away without a guy in my life.
So, now where am I?.. I am sitting here with my broken, bleeding, crying heart in my hands. I am trying to reconcile the fact that I ASKED for this.. I just expected to know why I'd be feeling this way. I expected to know what caused it, a specific person, a situation etc..etc.. and instead I'm fighting off tears, and pushing forward when all I want to do is curl up and be left alone. I want Jesus and Jesus alone.. The best thing I can think of is the word Hosanna: "Lord save me because You are mighty and sovereign."
I have no words to truly describe how I feel. I have no way to figure it out. I have nothing except Jesus, and that's all that sounds appealing to me right now.