Humbled Heart...

Even when I have it all together, things out of my control spiral into chaos. I can do nothing wrong, and still find myself in the midst of issues and problems to solve...

Last night I was faced with a situation that to be totally honest is not the end of the world, or even close to it. Yet, somehow it still hit just the right spot at the right time to cause a meltdown of sorts.. probably the closest to a meltdown that I have had in.. more than a year probably.

All the details aside, the biggest thing was the realization once again of how totally out of my hands everything is. I can do everything right, mind my own business, keep the confidence of friends.. and yet somehow that can still lead to my character being questioned. I am not totally sure why it irks me so badly when my character is questioned.. or I guess when it is questioned by people who should know me better than that.

Regardless, this situation became like a title-wave, I suddenly was face to face with the realization that I am helpless. But, it was more than that, I feel like I am being shown the areas of my life that I feel I have it all together, that I do not really need God to take complete control and guide me...

Jesus is really been working into me the need for my reliance on Him.. even (or especially) when I feel like I have it all together..

So, somehow this situation, that ultimately was not the biggest of deals, lead to me sitting in a small garden with a water fountain and several benches after dark, bawling and praying to my sweet Savior to help me.. explaining that I was afraid of being helpless and not wanting to learn these things that it seems like He is trying to teach me, I was frustrated and I know I need Him, but haven't a clue how to make everything work. I was frustrated that even when I do nothing wrong things still fall apart, and in the process I take the attacks on my character personal. Satan knows where to plant the fears, and I do not like the idea that I cannot handle whatever comes my way. But, the reality is I cannot... Even the smallest of things need to be given over, let go of, relinquished.. That's where true freedom will come...

*sigh* I feel like I have a lot to learn suddenly.

Attractive Vulnerability

So, in the last month or two I've been really trying to figure out what it is that I am drawn to when it comes to other people and their friendship.. or in some cases what turns off my desire to be friends. Brit and I have had numerous conversations about what we feel we need in a friend, what makes us feel secure, taken care of.. essentially what makes us feel safe in the friendship. We've talked about characteristics of that friendship and what it would include and what definitely would not be included in a friendship where you feel safe. So, I thought I'd share some of my thoughts on that...

Yesterday, a friend brought up the idea that without vulnerability in love all there is, is deep appreciation. That lead to a long discussion because someone brought up the idea that what about adoration.. which lead us to discuss the fact that it depends on if it's adoration towards God, or towards someone..

My thoughts on it (after verbally processing this of course lol) is that Adoration of God requires vulnerability.. love of God requires vulnerability.. But, that isn't the case towards another person. If I truly adore another person.. it isn't "right".. there's something wrong with that, and I'm not talking about the cute little quaint "aww I adore them.." But actual true adoration. You can't truly adore another person, it becomes false and twisted, and isn't a real relationship with them.. the only thing we are supposed to adore in the true sense of the word is Jesus. So, if I adore another person it becomes much closer to obsession, and I may think I'm being vulnerable, but in reality there isn't a correct relationship there to begin with, so I've created a false vulnerability.. one that would still allow me to get hurt, but it would be completely self inflicted and would have nothing to do with the other person, so it wouldn't be actual vulnerability.

Ok, now that you are starting to see where the vulnerability comes in, here's where it applies in the manner that I've been thinking about it for a while now..

For myself personally I will be friends with virtually anyone... but it takes special people to be true special friends to me. The reason is in my opinion I need stronger people as friends or I will sorta run over them and the friendship.. Not on purpose, but mainly because I have such a forceful, strong willed, stubborn, outgoing personality. So, I will be friends with those people, but I am also under the impression they cannot handle all the different sides of my personality (like when I'm mad :). I have determined that not only do I need strong friends, and by that I'm not saying outgoing extroverted friends either, but friends who are not afraid of my reaction. I have found that people who can listen to me vent, ramble, get excited, and help me process through whatever it is I'm dealing with are the ones that I tend to cling to. :) But, that isn't all of it.. I need friends who do exactly the same towards me. I need to know that I'm not burdening them with all of my issues and ramblings without also knowing they are doing the same. Part of that is it makes me feel like I'm on a level playing field, and part of it is that because they mean so much to me I need to know whats going on so I can also be there for them and take care of them in whatever possible way I can.

I really struggle when people want to know all kinds of things about me, without also sharing things about themselves.. Sometimes it can be as simple as a "20 questions game" and other times it just involves them randomly deciding to tell you something important to them or something they've been thinking about.. but my favorite is when you have inside jokes that they seek you out to tell you and remind you about, because it reminds me that there is a connection that only the two of you share.

I cannot begin to explain how special and needed I feel when a friend confides in me about something that is not to ever be public knowledge.. It gives me the special task of proving yet again that I am THEIR friend, that I can be trusted, and that I will hold true to my task of showing them love in any way that I can. I find it almost a slap in the face when someone asks me not to tell, then later asks if I've told anyone.. and their reasoning is that I just "seem" like the type that would let it slip.. Sadness for sure, I am not only good at hiding my own secrets, I am good at hiding other's as well.

I love when I am close enough with someone that they understand how I process through issues or what I am needing at that particular point in time.. and they are there for me. Especially being here in VA where I cannot simply run home, climb into bed with my mom while she should be sleeping and just tell her what's going on.. Or to sit with my dad at the breakfast bar or cuddled up on the couch next to the fireplace for hours after everyone else has given up, and gone to bed and just talking... Or sprawled on my brothers bed laughing and talking about whatever happens to wander into our heads... I don't have that here, and yet God has lovingly provided me with people who have been able to fill that.. obviously not in the same way, but in a very real needed way. Even down to sitting next to me on the couch and being ok that our arms are touching. Laying in a friends bed and laughing at whatever things we think are amusing or how funny we think the guys are... And then of course hugs which I'm still convinced make the world a better place, especially when given by a couple of my guy friends who understand how to give a good hug haha :)

People who are vulnerable are so incredibly attractive to me. They not only love me, but give me the opportunity to love them in return.

Vulnerable

vul⋅ner⋅a⋅ble

  /ˈvʌlnərəbəl/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [vuhl-ner-uh-buhl] –adjective

1.	capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.

2.	open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.

3.	(of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.

This describes how I'm feeling. I've had several people ask yesterday and today how I'm doing.. and a couple I gave the brief 30 second answer cause that was clearly all they wanted. A couple I gave the 2 minutes synopsis of how I'm feeling before they got distracted.. and I rarely bring it back up if they don't remember to return to it.. And then there were the precious couple that asked, listened, and asked for clarification, then sat and listened intently as I stumbled through my thoughts and struggled for words to describe an accurate picture of my heart. I'm not a fan of being vulnerable because it leaves so much out there waiting to be smashed and stepped on... especially by the unknowing or uncaring. And, I spend so much of my time trying to be strong for others that I don't know how to let others take care of me when it truly matters. The worst is when people by a few flippant words or sarcastic comment hurt you when you're trying to be vulnerable. But, interestingly enough that hasn't happened like I was braced for this time. I was surprised last night by the people who first asked me to share, then asked guiding questions, and lovingly and compassionately tried to hear what I was saying and offer comments and thoughts. Today I was asked how I was doing, and I laughed said well, but was having a hard time describing how I felt.. and instead of the typical "you'll figure it out.." they made time to hear me.. and when we ran out of time they scheduled when we could talk again. I can't express how loved that makes me feel. For someone who is a quality time and touch person.. that's.. there is no price for reactions like that. It's humbling when people express that amount of love towards me, because often I ramble when I'm trying to process and it causes me to revert back to being unable to talk in a linear patterns, which can be frustrating and confusing for some people... and I KNOW I'm doing it but I can't get my mind to work through my thoughts in a linear pattern, so I continue to process in sporadic patterns. I'm trying so desperately to figure out what God is trying to tell me before the daily grind causes my heart to forget what I feel now. I want to get as much out of it as possible. I mean common if I asked for this.. if I asked to have my heart broken and God to truly touch me because I needed that from him... and he DOES it.. How could I simply let it slip away without doing everything in my power to scribble it onto my heart permanently? What a waste it would be to simply let the feelings pass and chalk it up to another "mountaintop experience." I don't want to live my life giving God 10% of whatever and hoping he uses it. I want to live my life giving him every ounce of everything I can, and at the end of the day when I'm exhausted knowing God will bless what I've given him because it's everything I had.