First Guest Post!...

I wrote my first ever guest blog post! I am super excited about it, and love how God connects people through social media! This connection was made because I commented on a blog post written by Renee Johnson Fisher who operates Divotional Diva, she then contacted me and asked if I would be willing to write a blog post for her about dating... I was thrilled! So, today, I present you my first ever guest blog post:

Don't Be Afraid to Date

Hope you enjoy it!

Oh, and here's an updated picture of my 16 week old Great Dane Puppy (the one provided in the blog post he was 9 weeks old!)

Oh to Be Single...

So, while I have days where I am more than annoyed at the single life.. Lately I have had a few instances where the humor in being single is almost worth all the frustrations!... Here are a few tid bits of wisdom for those hoping to gain some insight into the single girl...

(These answers are meant with humor and a tad bit of sarcasm)

Do not ask a single girl "why" she is still single, this may result in many ridiculous responses or a slap across the face. The question is really akin to asking a single girl "what is wrong with you" and trust me... She will respond appropriately, likely with sarcasm..

Do not tell a single girl you "understand" why she's single.. Please see the previous paragraph for her likely responses.

If you want to make a single girl feel pathetic, tell her you feel sorry for her still being single, that is not helpful nor will it make her feel better... Plus, what will you do if she cries?.. Feel like a jerk.

Telling a single girl that her "prince charming is out there somewhere" only makes her want to kill the makers of every Disney princess movie ever created. Especially if she thinks "prince charming" tends to be a sort of boring fellow in fairy tales...

Explaining that a single girl's "dominant" personality might have something to do with "it".. is like claiming she's single cause she has brown eyes... It makes no sense, and only proves that you also have no idea why she is still single.... other than the obvious fact that she has not gotten married yet.

Just because a girl is single does equate her also being lonely.. It makes her.. single, that is all. Do not assume one inherently means the other anymore than getting married solves all your problems.

Single girls really can (believe it or not) just be friends with guys (single or married). IF she has had the "could I see myself with him?" thought about a single guy, that does not mean she ceases to be "just friends," it means she's realistic and not shallow...

...If the single girl has not wondered if she and a single guy would work together, that does not inherently mean she is being shallow, she likely knows herself well enough to know whether they would work well together. Both scenarios are good things.

Believe it or not, high standards is actually a good thing (for guys and girls). Do not try to convince the single girl otherwise... Her dad won't appreciate it.

Telling a single girl to "enjoy" being single while she can, is like telling someone to enjoy their freedom before they are sent to prison... Aka... You have just indicated that you feel like a prisoner, and she will feel sorry for you and your marriage.

To be continued...

Feel free to add... ;)

Double-Minded...

Sometimes I amaze (and frustrate) myself at how double-minded I can be about some things in my life. In general, I tend to lean towards being the type of person who knows what I like, what I want, and how I plan on getting there... or at the very least the next step or two I need to take in order to get to where I want to go. I typically know what I believe and why I believe it, and more often than not, I have a story behind my beliefs as well.

However, there are other things in my life that if I am being completely honest about, I feel double-minded, and it drives me crazy... When half of me wants something and the other half is repelled by the very same idea, I find myself stuck, immobile, trapped, and frozen. Wouldn't life just be easier if I stuck my head in the sand and took a nap!?..

Uh. No...
That just makes you look ridiculous with your butt stuck up in the air for all to see.

To name a few topics:
On one hand I would love to find the love of my life, get married, and strike off on adventures together... On the other, I love my life as is, I love the benefits of being single, I love that I am able to be transient by nature and follow wherever the Spirit of the Lord leads me. I know that while not necessarily easier, life certainly is less complicated (not in a good or bad way, there are just less things to take into consideration) when you are single. I also am completely aware of the fact that I do not understand what it means to be totally and completely in love with a man and willing to follow him anywhere. I do not know what it means for a man to love me back in the way God intended... Once I find this, I realize my view of singleness will change, I also know without any doubts I want to accomplish everything I can before that time in order to be prepared and where I need to be.

On one hand I would love to get a new job, find the position and organization that is my sweet spot.. On the other hand, I am aware that I could get a new job and it not be anything close to making my heart swell for 40 plus hours a week.. Which of course leads to, what if I move for a job I hate? I mean technically I have been there and done that, and clearly made it out alive and relatively unscathed with more wisdom, but seriously, I love where I live right now (shocker, I know), and my heart aches at the thought of leaving my church and friends here... Yet at the same time my heart of hearts longs for, desires more. My heart aches to be passionate about what I do, to know that what I am doing means something.

On one hand I love the thought of moving to a new place and all the adventures that would inevitably ensue, on the other hand, what if I move to a place that does not allows me to find adventures and activities that are a stones throw away where I currently live... Meaning, what if I move alone again to a place that does not fit. Ultimately I am well aware that God would take care of me, and teach me so much more than I can fathom right now, but I also truly love where I am currently living, and it fits me and where I am in my life right now.

So, double-minded or not, here I am, all of me in my full glory of imperfection and indecision.

One of the things I have been considering in terms of the ramifications of being double-minded is that while frustrating, it is also a good starting place for God to really do some work in my heart. Meaning, if I am unsure of what I want, it will do a few things, first and probably foremost, it will drive me to pray about it and likely pray a lot about it. Second, not knowing what I want forces me to pause and consider it all regularly, which for someone who tends towards "go until God says no..." the need to stop and think is really a good thing. The last thing that I think is potentially a really good thing about my double-minded feelings towards some things in my life is that it keeps me humble... I find it really easy to charge off into the unknown due to my pride alone, yet when I am uncertain I seek Christ and other people much smarter and more experienced than I am for advice, I stop to pray, think and consider.

So, while entirely frustrating to not know exactly what I think and want in some areas of my life, I also realize there is some good to take into consideration in these situations.

It Is Over...

I find myself in a situation again that makes me want to respond like a typical girl, it seems like the most appropriate way to feel at the moment, hurt, frustrated... emotional. Yet, I realize that how I think I should be feeling right now is not actually what is going on at all inside...
What is even more amazing is the peace I feel despite the situation I am in.

Thankfully my innumerable prayers to protect my heart were answered, and even more thankfully the situation is the most void of drama and hurt I have ever encountered. And, even though there is always a slight feeling of being bummed, not because of the circumstances themselves... I am actually quite thankful for how it all happened, everything I went through, and learned (cause let me tell you.. it was a lot), but just bummed because it has occurred once again.

Yet, through it all, there is a peace. A letting go feeling of complete surrender that the situation, the circumstances, the feelings all are being handed over to my sweet savior, and I will never care to take the control of them again...

I had a feeling this situation was going to turn out this way, and still chose to walk through the door because I knew I was going to learn, I was going to grow, and I was going to see several things in a way I had not ever viewed them. Looking back, I would do it again for all of those reasons, and quite frankly because I felt a peace to walk through the door, which thankfully the peace has remained. I do not think I made any poor choices nor did I make a mistake.

So, it is over, but only because one thing has to end in order for the next to start. Whatever is next, it is in God's hands.

Something New...

I have had an interesting few weeks, I have been experiencing and walking through, and into some new situations and feelings, and it has brought on some new thoughts and revelations about myself.

Typically, I am a very confident and self assured person. I know who I am and what I believe in when it comes to most any area of myself or my life. However, there are a few circumstances (ok maybe just one) where I begin to allow doubts to creep in.. in fact, it is less that I allow it and more that the devil and I have our own special code for what I should feel or think.. or in reality doubt about myself. I have found myself in that situation again recently, but this time it has caused different reactions or responses than what I have experienced in the past. For example, while all the emotions are still there, the freak outs are very minimal because I have very little guessing to do which keeps my mind from running away like a crazy person... I am finding that I am getting the chance to process through things before I need to react, and thankfully, I have begun to realize where some of my emotions or fears have come from.. which allows me the chance to work through them instead of merely ignore them, only to then have to deal with them at a later inconvenient date.

I have had a few revelations.. or things told to me recently, some of which I know, but often forget, and others I have simply not every considered before. For example, it was brought to my attention that I am of "amazing" character, morals, convictions, care, and love.. (aww thank you) and then it was pointed out that this person thinks part of the reason I am still single has more to do with how intimidating my stance on me not having sex before marriage is to the guys who pursue me... It was an interesting thought that I had never really considered before.. Not that it changes anything, but is just something I had never thought of... Thankfully the person who told me also affirmed their respect and admiration for my position on it, which meant I was not confused about their position or reason for telling me...

I also have realized lately how much I am used to taking care of myself.. I mean, I know that being single sort of brings with it a level of self-centeredness and independence (neither of which are necessarily bad things, but more just a byproduct of not having to run things by someone else). In the process of realizing my natural tendency towards taking care of myself, I realized how much of a struggle.. and I mean legitimate struggle it is for me to let someone else take care of me.. I almost view it as my responsibility to take care of others, not let them take care of me... That's been an interesting thing to learn, and try and walk through.. Graciously.

In addition, I have begun to really process through some of my fears and some of the things that have happened to me in the past. Ways I have been hurt, ways I made poor decisions that lead to additional pain, and ways that I had no idea situations affected me until I had an emotional reaction about them later. It is incredibly interesting to discover things about yourself that you just had no idea existed until the emotions take over.. it is very humbling and difficult to acknowledge.

What I do know at this point is there are new things in my life that are good things, but not easy things that will prove to force me to grow in ways I have never had to before. Should be interesting...

Hello, Good-Bye 2011...

I really love keeping a blog, I enjoy the outlet it gives me to speak my mind, the comfort it offers in getting out the thoughts that are both dear to my heart or frivolously in my head. I made a serious concerted effort this year to blog 4-6 days a week, and for the most part, I am surprised to say I have kept that up.. Not perfectly, and sometimes only because I almost always have my phone in tow and shared pictures of my travels throughout the summer.

However, I have two favorite posts that I have posted annually, the first one looks back on the year and the second one looks forward at the next year. In preparation to write this year's 2011 review I went back and looked at the 2010 look back, and the 2011 look forward. These two blogs really serve as a perfect little reminder of where I am and where I want to be going... Plus, it allows me the chance to update on the goals I had for this year. Christmas just always proves to be one of the best and most memorable times to review and take an internal check so that I can then move forward next year.

So, as always, this year in review will likely be a fairly long post, and while I almost never review the year the same as I have in the past, it remains my favorite post to make each year.

January

The year started off surrounded by so many wonderful people in my fairly new house. Two of my best friends got engaged (to each other) seconds after the 2011 ball dropped, which commenced all of us into seven months of wedding planning and excitement (more on their wedding later).

We got our fifth and final roomie (for a while), and we welcomed into our lives a wonderful and incredibly broken person. Another roomie and I began having serious issues, and as much as I tried, I could not seem to communicate in a manner that helped either one of us... And, eventually the relationship sadly dwindled into co-existence at best.

I began another difficult class in my double masters program, and proceeded to sit on the couch for hours every night having near melt downs trying to understand finance...

My very best friend in the whole world got married in Georgia, and I was so thrilled and honored to stand up in her wedding with eight other beautiful girls and nine great guys. It was a fantastic trip down, and a great celebration!

I joined a gym, and ended up signing up for what turned into five months of personal training sessions twice a week. I looked forward to and loved these couple hours a week because the trainer was a great match to my skill, passion for martial arts, humor, and he improved my body in ways I was unsure could happen... Well worth the money for the time period I was in and how I was feeling.

My birthday... dun. dun. dun. Was actually amazing this year. (whew!) I have had so many issues with my birthday over the  years that this year I was just too scared to hope for anything good, and just decided I wanted one thing. For one of my best friends to come and stay the weekend with me. She surprised me (by showing up late.. haha) with two more girl friends that I love to death sitting on my couch when I got home from dinner.. Which, because of the stress level I was under, I began to tear up just seeing and hugging them.. I then turned around to another friend creeping across the living room, which of course sent me into more tears being just so excited that he too was there... THEN, I was tapped on the shoulder, turned around to find my little brother holding a dozen roses (hands down my favorite birthday gift every year are these roses from my brothers). I just stood there dumbfounded and silent, then finally blurted out "Why are you here?!" then proceeded to hug the life out of him.. and SOB. As in, I could not breathe, I could not talk, I could not see.. I just sobbed and hugged my brother while everyone laughed at my reaction. THEN, the next day my friend/sister/old roomie showed up with cake and two more of my good friends.. and we proceeded to have a perfect weekend around DC exploring the Spy museum and getting Thai food. It was perfect, and I was reminded I am loved.

The day after my birthday we had 30 (or so) people laid-off from my workplace...

February

February is a bit of a blur, I mostly just remember hating life, arguing with one of my roomies a lot, sitting on the couch under blankets, and trying to understand my homework.

I also really remember struggling with my job situation and being totally and completely unhappy.

 But, the most overwhelming thing I remember from February are the feelings of total despair, being stuck, miserable, and totally feeling forgotten and unimportant. I literally remember feeling like I was not myself, but having no idea how to FIND myself again.

March

The most significant thing that happened in March was an out of the blue friend was made from reading my blog. I have no idea why or how she found me, but we began e-mailing several times a week about life, Jesus, pain, hurt, brokenness, Christianity, Christians, etc.. I was totally unsure how to handle the situations she presented me with, but what did end up coming from it was a lot of prayer on my part for her. I was amazed at the honesty she had when talking to me about her life and situations she has been in. I was humbled by the trust she had in me and broken for her and her situation. (I have not heard from her much in the last several months, but I still pray for her, her salvation, and that Jesus would do, what Jesus does in her life.)

I spent a great deal of March trying to figure out how I fit in the DC area. I did not like DC, I did not like my life here, and I really did not like that I felt stuck here. I had little to no friends, and had even fewer people who understood me.

I continued to hate my online class and felt more and more belittled and frustrated at work.

The biggest feelings I have from March are that of feeling unsafe and like the best I had to offer was to "keep it together."

April

April brought my best friend and his wife to visit for our annual Easter weekend together. I needed them more than I think they will ever understand. They understand me, they laugh with and at me, and more than anything, their friendship is solid no matter where we are in life. We had a great weekend in DC, we even went roller blading (old school I know, but it is our thing!).

April also brought with it an acute understanding that I was missing my Savior at my very core. I knew something was missing, I knew I felt lost, and I also knew I had no idea what to do. I felt empty and broken, and felt like I was completely directionless.

What I do remember though on a positive note is how pretty DC is in the spring. The flowers, trees, warm breeze.. it was truly beautiful and I finally found something I enjoyed about living here!

April also kick-started my insanely hectic always busy weekend summer schedule.

May

May brought a lot of wedding showers.. Several friends were getting married, so I traveled to and from Lynchburg a lot in order to feel like I was much more a part of something than I actually was.

I realized in May that I truly was beginning to hate my job because of a couple particularly challenging individuals, and I really was struggling with the Lord on my attitude towards my job and the people causing the issues. I also began seriously searching for a new job...

I spent most of May exhausted. I had almost every moment of every day for the entire month planned out, down to how long it took me to get places. It was all rather ridiculous really... But, the busyness allowed me to fake ok. It is easier for me to fake that I am ok because I was so busy every "not ok" moment can be blamed on exhaustion and not getting enough sleep, and then anything that did not fall under that category could be lumped in with the stress of school and being incredibly busy at work...

I hid my heart and refused to acknowledge the pain going on at my core to anyone else for the entire month.

June

One of our roomies moved out, and another one replaced her. It was both sad and exciting at the same time.

I went home for the first time since Christmas to surprise my brother for his birthday, loved being home and seeing everyone, and it gave me a good reprieve from not feeling like I belonged or fit anywhere.

I left from MI back to DC for a night, then down to FL for a week-long annual convention for work. I spent the better part of the entire month traveling, I acquired a cough I could not get rid of, and spent the majority of my time doing homework in the hammock we had set up in our backyard... I am pretty sure that hammock saved my life this summer haha :)

I had more wedding showers and more traveling back down to Lynchburg, and I honestly have no idea how I found the time to do my homework.. much less understand and pass the class...

I spent a great deal of June trying to do an internal check and figure out what I needed to do to make my life "ok" again. At this point I really realized how much I disliked my life, and I knew I needed to make a change, and I knew a lot of it was that I was not willing to humble myself enough to talk to my Savior about the things really bothering me.. So, God and I began having some pretty serious "what the hell" conversations.. It was actually quite liberating to know He was listening to me spout off like a little child, and that He still cared and loved me..

Also, while this is my first mention of it in this post, I L.O.V.E. my church, and throughout the whole year they really were the one lighthouse that I had. Over the summer, they did a series called the God Anthology, they picked and talked about nine attributes of God. While I was crazy busy, my church remained the one thing about DC I loved and was (and still am) unsure I ever wanted to give up...

The one thing that began to offer some genuine reprieve that I did not even know I needed was having a friend from Lynchburg move to DC. While we were in the same group of friends there, we were not super close.. But she has become such a God send to me. Her friendship, loyalty, humor, adventurous spirit, and level headedness... as well as her love for fun and doing things has been exactly what I did not even know I needed.

July

The two best friends that got engaged on New Years got married over the 4th of July weekend. It was a pretty epic weekend.. One that included a lake day, 11 other bridesmaids, 12 groomsmen, several flower girls and ring bearers, three pastors, and a sneak attack surprise of chucks shoes for the dance off at the reception... I got to see so many old friends, meet new ones, and party like crazy celebrating the union of two of my best friends! It was a pretty epic and fantastic wedding weekend :)

It was about this point in the year that I finally began realizing I (while crazy busy) was finding my place in DC. I did not particularly like most of the things going on, and it was not my ideal, but I was able to say that I had friends and that maybe I was making a life here after all... With the exception of the fact that I was still job hunting... and still really wanting to move to Atlanta...

I also realized in July exactly how stressed out I was... So, I took a couple day trips or mornings to relax.. I really thought a couple times I was going to lose it on some poor unsuspecting soul...

I had a period of time in July where it seemed that my virginity came up over and over in almost any situation. I found the conversation empowering and very intriguing as well. I was quite surprised by the interest others had in my choice to remain a virgin until I get married... the reactions were.. priceless and pretty much spanned the gambit. Some were not surprised in the slightest, some thought it was purely accidental, others were completely blown away because apparently I do not seem "the type." However, it really caused me to begin looking at those areas of my life and realize that not only am I not ashamed or embarrassed by them in the slightest, I am very thankful and proud that God and I have this story together.. and that I have the boldness to talk about it with others, and explain eloquently why I am still a virgin.

August

I went home in the beginning of August to help plan and celebrate my parent's 30th wedding anniversary, and it was awesome. We had a blast, and I was reminded once again how absolutely amazing my family is. I am always amazed at how close we are and how much we all genuinely LOVE to be around each other, joking, laughing, reading, talking, watching movies.. whatever.. we love it.

I also went with one of my friends to the Bachata congress here in DC, and we had SO much fun. We were so sore, tired, and our poor feet suffered greatly, but overall it was a fantastic experience, and one that helped me learn so much more about dancing, and helped renew my love for it.

In August we also had an Earthquake in DC (which you can see the destruction my place suffered here), and a hurricane... although I left to visit my best friend and her husband during the hurricane, and helped them move.. It was a long and tiring weekend, but I loved every minute of it because I was with them!

I could tell by the end of August I was really getting antsy for life to FEEL normal. I wanted to feel like I belonged, like God and I were close again, like I was important, like I had value to offer, and I longed to enjoy my job once again...

September

I spent the first half of September really evaluating where I was, and really ready inside to take a moment and breathe. I felt like I was drowning and like nothing anyone said was relieving my stress.

Thankfully I had a free airplane ticket to use and some extra time off, so I peaced out to California to see my cousin. We spent four days in southern California doing whatever we pleased to celebrate her 3rd anniversary (even though her husband was deployed at the time). We laid on the beach, played in the VERY cold water, got pedicures, ate amazing food, walked down the beach, took paddle boarding lessons, made amazing homemade food, and watched movies.. not to mention talked and laughed for all four days. It was during that break that I FINALLY felt something break. It was like God had released the pressure valve on my stress level and I could finally think, feel, and process clearly. I felt content inside my soul once again... I had almost forgotten what that felt like.

We also celebrated the 10th anniversary (has it REALLY been that long?!) of the 9/11 terrorist attacks...

I was reminded during September how much I am loved, and for whatever reason I was finally able to start understanding it deep down.. I am surrounded by friends who love me and send flowers just because they knew I was having a rough week..

October

I finally knew what contentment felt like, and it was like a dew kissed morning.

I became debt free except for my student loans in October, and the new found freedom is awesome!

The biggest thing I remember from October is feeling like I finally found my groove. I finally felt like I was BUILDING a life.. and while I was not too thrilled with certain situations with work or school still, I had peace once more, and knew I was going to be ok.

I made the decision to sign the lease at the end of the month, which essentially meant I was committing to another year here in DC... I was a little worried I was making a mistake, but knew I needed to make a choice regardless and let God do his thing and figure out what was going to happen.

I also ran my first 10k.. and I RAN the whole thing.. the furthest I have ever run.. in my ENTIRE life.. I was pretty stoked.. then I walked like an 85 year old man for several days haha!

November

November seemed like it FLEW by to me. I am not entirely sure where the month went..

I think the most unique thing about November for me was all of the things that felt like they began settling into place. For starters, it went down in record as the longest I had lived in one place for the last nine years (whoa!). I had not realized how transient my life was, and how almost bizarre it felt to live in the SAME place not having to pack up or move anywhere... Such a unique feeling.

I was able to reconnect with an old friend from Freshman year of college, and it has become such a welcome surprise and rekindling of a friendship.

I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner with the help of a friend... and it wasn't easy, but we had fun and only had a few minor mishaps..

I began reading and finished reading Start Something That Matters by Blake Mycoskie (the founder of TOMS Shoes) and was incredibly inspired...

Work became suddenly significantly easier and less stress filled due to staffing changes, it was almost a visible change in my stress level and it could not have come at a more perfect time. This made it easier to decide that I can stay where I am until God really moves me elsewhere...

Overall it was a good month, not void of frustrations or annoyances, but definitely one of the best months I have had in around a year in a half...

I also met a guy through a mutual friend that I have been on a few dates with, he has proven to be much nicer than I am used to in the men I typically date. I have absolutely no idea where it is going, but after a few (somewhat minor) freak outs I have settled into trusting that God knows what He is doing and walking through this door and seeing what happens.

December

I cannot believe December is almost over... Where did this year go? The most challenging thing about this year is there were so many reoccurring feelings and frustrations that it makes the entire year blend into itself...

This month I have spent a great deal of time feeling like life is normal.. Well normal aside from trying to figure out if I like this guy while at the same time understanding that the emotions do not accurately reflect reality and just enjoying it is really the key.

What I do know is that the Lord and I are reconnecting.. Prayer comes easier again, and just sitting and being with my Savior is something I am enjoying again.

2011

Hands down of the most stressful and pressure filled years I have ever had... While I would NEVER.. ever choose to re-live this year, I can honestly say I am so thankful to have been through this year and survived. I learned so many things about prayer, stress, pressure, friends, and know without any shadow of a doubt that patience was created and increased ten fold in my life this year.

While this is a gross exaggeration of what has happened this year, I feel like Job at the end of his book in the Bible, an overwhelming sense of peace and an acute awareness of the blessings in my life.

Please Lord, do not ever make me repeat this year, but thank you for all the times you carried me and comforted me while I struggled. Thank you for proving once again you are faithful and that no matter where I am, what I am going through or who I am dealing with you not only care, but you hear me when I talk to you. Thank you for giving me the chance to learn and for putting the people in my life I needed to survive. Thank you for teaching me another thing or two about humility and compassion, and for growing my heart for the lost and broken.

I have no idea what to expect for the next year, I would love for it to be a fantastic year, but I have no sense of what is to come at all. But, what I do know is, if the last couple years are any indication, it is going to be a very... interesting year!

Doubts...

I was thinking a little bit today about doubts and fears. I am not talking about basic doubt or fears, but the ones deep down inside that really can impact a lot of areas of your life... I was also thinking a bit about how doubts and fears grow, change, or reduce... For example, my biggest fear in college was "ending up alone," meaning I was worried I would be the scary, slightly crazy cat lady at the end of the road.... (or dog lady as it would likely end up ;) I had serious doubts that God heard my pleas and cries for Him to bring me someone so I would not have to do "this" (life) alone. These thoughts ebbed and flowed depending on what was going on around me and how busy or fulfilled I felt. But, one thing remained, there was fear in (what I thought was the worst thing possible) being alone.

What is interesting to me, is, I have found myself genuinely coming out of that fear and those doubts in the last couple years, but mostly in the last year or so. Part of it has been because of my need to focus elsewhere, which removal from the feelings and situation long enough always allows some distance from the thoughts or desires (for me at least). Other parts of it have to do with needing to comfort those around me that I am in fact not lonely at all, not in the slightest... And, finally, I realized that I honestly, whole heartedly trust God's plan for my life. Whether that means I will be the cool fun aunt that never has a husband and family of her own.. or whether that means some day I will adopt my own kids as a single woman... or if I find myself in love, married, and a family of my own. I do not in any way regret or find disappointment in my life so far regardless of the future. I realized sometime in the last year that I genuinely am enjoying my journey, and no part of me feels lacking or that God has left me wanting...

I was marveling the other day at how content I am with life as a whole. I have had some serious struggles, issues, and fires I feel like I have been through the last couple years, but currently I find that I am just content. I love my life... If God chooses to bring me a man.. then He's really gonna have to work on that one, cause not only am I busy (no really, that's not even an avoiding a date line), I am not particularly looking in a guy entering my life in a manner beyond just friends (kiss of death for guys, sorry). You see, it is not that I am against dating or having a guy pursue, I just do not have any, nor know of any that I am hoping will "come get/find me." I like my life just the way it is, single, difficult, busy, and (surprisingly) in DC. If God's will or plan is for me to find "the one" (I am not really sure I believe in that anyway), then I have total and complete confidence that God will work it out... and the guy will be perfect for me haha.. Meaning, he will have no bones about pursuing, and work to get/have me.... thus making me fall deeply and madly in love with him.... haha maybe someday... but not today, and likely not anytime soon.

So, whether you are single or you simply are worried about a single friend, let me encourage you to definitely be praying for the situation, but do not doubt God's plan and the perfectness of how it will all work out in the end. "Do not worry about tomorrow" including worry about the singleness of your loved ones (or yourself).

Trust God.

And Then There Was One...

Sometimes, I catch myself day dreaming about what life is like now compared to what it was like a year ago... compared to what it "will" (as if I know for sure) be like in a year. As if anyone knows.. much less me, but especially when I drive I find myself just pondering.. mulling over random things.. mostly just about tid bits of life.

Today's random smattering of thoughts were all over the place, but one thing I keep coming back to is how different next summer will be compared to this one. Not because I actually know what is coming or what to expect, but because if certain aspects of life now continue down the path they are on, life will be dramatically different. Not bad or good, but just different.

For one, I am pretty confident I will not be at my current job.. I will be almost done with school.. I may or may not still be living in DC (which depending on the day makes me happy or sad).. And, many of my single friends will not be single anymore or much longer... Which brings me to one passing thought.. "And then there was one.." Sounds depressing, and if I think about it, really only the selfish side of me causes that to be depressing... The reason is most all of my girl friends either have found someone and are married already, are mid relationship closely heading to marriage, or are entering into something new... Now, don't get me wrong, I have prayed for each one of these girls to find a guy before me.. because I know that twinge of a feeling that "when will it be my turn..." feeling that comes when girlfriends find a guy, get engaged, and get married. No matter how happy you are for them, (even if only for .02 seconds) there is a moment when a girl thinks "God, when can it be my turn to find love?" The answer?.. I dunno.. God hasn't told me his answer to my question... Which, honestly I don't want to know... I have a tendency to screw things up when I get clued in... So, blind and in the dark works for me no matter how frustrating and aggravating it is.

Recently a couple of my besties have entered in and begun walking down the "see where this goes" path. I have prayed it for them fervently.. Mostly because they get truly lonely and I can see the honest and literal pain that they believe to be deeply hidden. I have watched them struggle very deeply with the idea that maybe it will never come... and what if God has single hood planned for them.. can they be truly happy when all they want is a husband and a family?.. I have watched them struggle to find genuine happiness for our closest girlfriends and their journey to becoming one with a charming and amazing man that is perfect for them. Because of these reasons, and so.. so many more I have been praying for my girlfriends to find amazing men of God who look at them and see the beauty that is just as obvious inside as it is outside... A man who will fight for her.. even if that fight is with himself. I have prayed for a man who will pursue her and draw her closer to the Lord... All the while knowing that at one time or another I will instead feel those feelings of "when will it be my turn?" while they walk down their paths... And, since a few of them have begun to walk down this path, my passing though recently is "and then there was one..." But, it is quickly followed with "...as it should be." .. because God cannot answer my prayers for them without this being the situation I find myself in. So, it makes sense.

And, as always, while a small part of me wants to find "the one" and live my "fairytale" (haha).. I am not there, and KNOW I am not there yet or right now.. And, to be completely and totally honest, I am not real sure I will be there anytime soon... Which is good cause I have a lot of work and school to finish and learn about.. Not to mention God and I are going through some pretty major foundation and structure changes in my heart, and a guy would really only mess that up, get in the way, or distract me from paying attention right now.

So, as always, there is a part of me, my human fleshly side that dislikes the situation I find myself in, but then I remember my goals and true desires are to see my friends happy.. Sounds cheesey and cornballish.. but honestly, it makes my life and the challenges and frustrations so much easier to endure when my friends are truly happy. Plus, I decided years ago there were certain people in my life (including the ones that would reach a certain place in my life in the future) that I just could not stand the thought of my life causing them a twinge of pain, jealousy, hurt, frustration, or loneliness due to me finding a guy and getting married.. I realize this is slightly odd.. and taken too far (especially with the number of people I know and meet every year) it could easily lead to me "being single forever".. However, I figure, regardless of my prayers God is in control, not my prayers.. and if I am single forever... I haven't regretted any of it so far, so I have no reason to believe I will start regretting at some point in the future.

Besides.. prayer for my friends is all I know how to do to help the pain and burdens I see buried so deep in their hearts. If feeling like "and then there was one" is what I have to "feel" for a moment because they are finding contentment for their burdens.. they I will pray.. continuously.

You Have GOT to be Kidding...

Sometimes I look at my life and cannot help but say "You have GOT to be kidding..." sometimes because of big things, and other times it is the smallest of things, or merely the possibilities set before me. You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding...

I know I am young at 26, and I still do not feel a day past 22 (ok maybe 23..). I am no where close to the place I thought I would be when I was growing up.. and I am no where in the vicinity of who I thought I would be even a couple years ago. Seriously. What blows my mind about all of this is how even in the midst of everything craptastic about the last year in a half (I was really hopeful 2011 would be less stressful and painful than 2010), I am content.. not always happy, and not always thankful.. but content because I can see where my road has taken me and where I have encountered major forks in my life that have dramatically altered who I am. I am not at all who I thought I would be, and not even close to doing what I thought I would be doing.. But, I like it.

You see, when I was 14 or 15 my uncle talked passionately about being in Communications and Public Relations.. and how awesome it would be to do that job.. I was totally sold. In part because my uncle was my hero even though I knew he was broken and flawed. He talked me into all kinds of things because I would just get swept into his excitement, passion, and stories about what could be... So at 15 I thought I would be in a high falooting (is that actually a word?) PR job, I would be "somebody" and I would be successful. Little did I know that my idea of that would change dramatically throughout the course of my life.

Then at 18 I had my first boyfriend and I was convinced I would get married by sophomore year of college and move to GA with him after college to pursue his career choices.. I would be a mother by 24, and life would be grand.. Then we broke up, and nothing I had planned went accordingly. Instead I took summer camp jobs and found jobs in my field which helped me to land a couple key positions after college.. I dated a couple guys for short periods of time, had my heart broken a couple times.. and learned so much more than I ever anticipated about the woman and wife I actually want to be. All the while, I was crying deep down about how unfair it was that I was still single when other girls were getting married...

Then I began to travel, I took jobs elsewhere and began to see the world differently. I realized that more than getting married or being a mom, I wanted and desired to change the world.. to live a life totally sold out for Christ full of passion and excitement, and I would gladly include whoever wanted to take part in that goal and dream. Since that moment a couple years ago I have finally settled into the fact that I am actually already complete, AND that includes the fact that I am single. I still would like to get married some day, I would like to be a mom, but no longer do I HAVE to have these things in order to feel complete and whole as a woman. In fact, I have watched friends so desperate for "the one" that will surely complete them, that now they are finding themselves even more broken than they ever could have imagined. My heart hurts for them more than I have words to express... I have worked to learn from them, to gain wisdom where I can, and to pray all the time for them and for wisdom for myself in the future when I am placed in a situation with a potential guy.

Even still, there are days that I look at my life and things going on and have a conversation with the Lord that consists of "God.. you have GOT to be kidding me.. seriously?.. This is what you're asking me to walk through?!? What the Hell?!" (no joke I've had that conversation with God haha)... Then eventually after a LOT of prayer and thinking I come around to "Ok, fine, but I NEED you to be here with me the whole way!"  I find myself dealing with issues and problems I never would have even comprehended several years ago. I am making choices and learning things I have never desired to make or learn. I am living places I could have cared less about, but I am excited that I have no idea what is to come if my history is any indication. I struggling with new things every day, and am dramatically different than I was even a year ago, but, God and I are talking more now than ever before. I would not trade any of my past for any of the plans I had before.


To be completely honest, I could not be more content "in" my singleness. I have spent so much time thanking God for the closed doors and for protecting my heart and mind in this area.. Recently I have begun working very hard to keep the murmurs of "when you're content is when God brings the guy into your life" comments from well meaning people from influencing my heart because I am content to not have any idea one way or another about a guy in my life at any point in the future. I have finally reached contentment enough to not assume every guy who enters my life "might be...." and instead I am so incredibly thankful for the relationship and the unique spot it fills in my life for that moment, regardless of what that means. To bring it all down to one thing, I am content to let God figure His plan out, and let me know at the appropriate time... But, man what a ride so far...

Not Too Much..

On my lunch break today I was perusing the Stuff Christians Like blog, and reading the funny, interesting, and randomness that is Jon Acuff's mind. Well, I stumbled upon his "Proverbs 31 Wife - 3000 and 8 edition" and I read as he talked about the things he loves about his wife.. of course Jon style.. all a little odd and different.. but completely valid!

In this blog he quotes a counselor as saying:

“The one thing a husband wants to know is that he is enough. That his masculinity, the way he provides for the family, the security he gives is enough. The one thing a wife wants to know is that she is not ‘too much.’ That she can be as beautiful and as powerful and as you, unique as God has called her without overpowering the relationship. That her husband is enough to handle her becoming everything she can become.”

I LOVE THIS QUOTE. It pretty much sums up exactly why I am still single, and why I am completely content in that place in my life. When a guy who is confident enough in himself to reassure me that I am not too much for him comes around, I will marry him... And, it probably won't take me very long to make that decision. But, until then I would (praise the Lord) rather be single and whole then coupled up and broken.

So, to all my amazing beautiful girlfriends who are still single, find comfort in the fact that God knows and has placed the need in us to want to know we are not too much. I mean let's be honest, we can be a force to be reckoned with if push comes to shove.. and that can be intimidating for anyone.. especially a guy. But, the problem comes in when the force to be reckoned with comes up against a man who is not founded in Christ enough to not only withstand that force, but direct, guide, encourage, or help subside it (regardless of what that actually looks like in the moment).. If a man knows how to handle a women in the full glory of who she is, then God can use the two of them for His full glory... but, if the man cannot (for whatever reason), then they become a poor debilitated sight of what God's union with us is supposed to look like, and everyone pities both people involved in the relationship.

And, to all the potentially amazing men out there who are single.. Where are you? Why have you not stepped into the full glory of who God created you to be?.. Me and all of my single girlfriends are waiting for you to man up, so please look into that...

Thank you to whoever the counselor was who originally said this statement. That is exactly why I am in the place I am.. I want to be the entire package of who I was meant to be, but that's a lot to handle, so until a man shows me he can handle it.. God and I will do just fine thank you!

Love and Laughter...

My "bff" got married yesterday. It was absolutely amazing, and I can honestly say I was just overjoyed with excitement and love and wonder at how awesome God's plan and path are for each one of us!

A year ago Sarah and I had just survived a massive argument that at the end neither of us really could remember why we had started arguing, except that we knew we were each safe.. and were mad the other had not been calling as much as normal.. Without realizing we were both needing the mind-reading support of the other... We were both really struggling and life was just hard.. not necessarily for any reason at all.. Satan's just a jerk.

Now, a year later.. Her life has changed forever.. and years of my prayers were answered in a few simple words and exchanging of rings.. It was truly awesome, and she was thrilled, but totally at peace and calm about it all.. I love her so dearly, and am forever thankful for God bringing us together.. I have needed her friendship so many more times then I like to admit, and that she would ever know!


On to other things from this weekend...

I tend to write in a bit of a cryptic way so that those aware of situations and things going on get all sorts of insight and information, and those unaware get pretty much a basic overview of what is going on. Both people get pictures and glimpses of my heart and an authentic view of who I am, but the reality is sometimes carefully chosen words protect not only the private people in my life who do not like their life blasted across the internet (as if my blog had that much influence), but it also is an exercise for me personally to communicate well...

This instance is no different.. Sorry. :)

Several months ago my friend commenced into this incredibly intricately woven.. funny plan to.. you guessed it.. Hook me up.  (Story of my life haha) This story has been going on for about 5 months at this point, but the comical part is I have done little to actually be apart of "my story".. I did not initiate it, did not encourage it, did not bring it up, and certainly did not ask for it... in fact, I have done so little that I have been told what is going on as an innocent bystander. But, what makes the story so incredibly funny is the fact that I am supposed to be a key player.. since you know.. she's trying to set ME up with this guy.

I am normally a little leery with the whole being set up thing.. I have had a few doosey experiences, but given the right friend who knows me well, I will give it a chance. Since this friend knows me well, I decided not to shut down the idea right away.. 5 months ago.. So, I have spent the last several months being an innocent bystander in this whole thing, and have not actually had anything substantial take place.. except for a few incredibly awkward but funny moments, that ironically did not involve this guy and I.. just the people around us TALKING about us... without both of us present.. it has always just been one of us... How could this be?.. Well we had not met.. Amusing beyond all amusings.. and it has all felt like a sitcom/arranged marriage type situation. The type where you know someone has GOT to be filming this whole thing because there is no way these types of situations actually happen to people right?!..

Nope, they happen in the sitcom that is my life!

Well, this weekend 5 months of build up and this guy and I met... And, he earned some major kudos for how he initiated and lead.. I was pleasantly surprised. He also handled the awkwardness imposed by our mutual friend with incredible grace and style. The interaction was normal, no super incredible story, nothing too forward or assuming, just casual, enjoyable, with a touch of curiosity... It helped that he was surprisingly tall and attractive. I am not expecting anything to come of this, except for the absolutely amazing and funny story I have already. But, I am open to seeing where God leads next.. 2010 was an awful year, but I am so glad to have been there.. I have no idea what to expect from 2011... And, I like it that way!

Oh, Boys...

I was chatting with one of my best friends today, and we were doing the normal girl talk.. joking about who our future husbands were, and what our lives would be like.. We get a kick out of making the other one's story more ridiculous than they made our story... Which got me thinking...

Where is my heart right now on this topic?.. Praise Jesus not where it has been in the past! I am totally content with my life (which is not to say I do not have hard days/weeks etc..). When I look at my life, there are, and will always be things I "wish" I could remove from it.. but, in all honesty, there is not really anything that is glaring enough that it causes major discontentment at all. In fact I love my life, I love how busy I am, the insane pace I keep, I do not mind that I might have to work to fit people into my life.. but I have no real reason to complain at all...

I go to 3 Bible studies a week, and church twice a week. I go dancing most Fridays, and mix the rest of my free time with leaders meetings, working out, friends, and random trips or things I really should do (like laundry)...

So, why do I feel like this is important to point out?..

Because, all of these little things add to why I am really not interested in a relationship right now. Not to say I will never want one, but right now it just seems like a lot of work, and potential drama that I just do not have the time or energy to deal with. My focus is elsewhere. SOMEDAY, I would love to find a guy, have him pursue me, fall in love, get married, have a family, and spend our life serving our Savior. But, that time is not now, I am content to grow and move... while learning to be dependent on my Savior alone. I have things I still need to work on in my own life and heart before I can even think of focusing on someone else... Jesus and I are working a lot still, slowly, but steadily.

Despite the numerous times a week I get asked if I like someone or if I am dating someone (which I do not and am not), I am really just living life.. NOT planning anything. I have no ulterior motives, and have made an effort to be clear about my actions simply being a result of who I am, not what I am trying to accomplish.

To be fair, none of this is a slam or anything towards any guy... it is not my way of subtly saying "I don't like you." And, this is not a vow of singleness for however long for whatever reason... It is simply where I am at right now. Are there exceptions?.. sure. Is there a guy I "like?" No.. No guys are pursuing, so my current feelings of contentment where I am right now is perfect for me :) How would I react if a guy started pursuing?.. No idea, it would totally depend on the guy... If he intrigues me then I will be open and probably really excited and scared at the same time about it..

But, right now. I enjoy where I am... Which is as single as they come :)

Accidentally... On Purpose?

I had an epiphany yesterday during our weekly staff training/meetings... But, it didn't really develop or become words until my hour drive home... Let me detail out my light bulb moment for you.

Yesterday, one of my co-workers who I get along great with and joke around with all the time, made a passing comment that sorta woke me up to realize a couple things. First, his passing comment was that he has told his grandson on a few occasions to make his way over to my office and "hang out".. after his grandson commented on being 4 years younger, my co-worker explained age means less and less as you get older, so his grandson basically said "ok, find me a reason to go over.." haha! I find that an extremely amusing conversation, and it probably doesn't mean much to you, but it served as a wake up call for me... let me explain.

I have always sorta had this view that everyone around me is either married or getting married because they are just lucky to have met "their person" that accidentally they found their spouse before me... Enough people finally pushed them together, they decided one day to open their eyes and look, God changed their mind.. whatever... I've used the idea of it just happens , so accidentally that they found theirs before I've found mine.. I've done a lot of crying out to God, and a lot of stepping out of God's will trying to "force" this accident to happen.. Force God's hand I guess, I'm not really sure what my goal was looking back on all of it. I've always kinda had this view that there simply was no interest on the part of guys, no guys like me (cause I am clueless or dumb or whatever), no guy pursues (which is true... to a point), or I just haven't stumbled in at the right time...

I mean all three of my roomies from senior year are married or will be married by May.. I now have been in enough weddings to own the same dress in TWO colors.. haha.. oh man.. But, I've always kinda had this feeling that I was just waiting for some invisible pull tab that was finally my number in the sky... The stars align, God finally feels I've been patient enough, God has decided I learned whatever lesson I needed to, I finally wasn't expecting it so it would happen (cause that's what they always tell you), my future husband is finally ready.. whatever the reasons I had a bunch of excuses to give when people asked "so, Krista, why ARE you still single?..

And then yesterday when my co-worker told me this exchange with his grandson.. undoubtedly to test my reaction I'm sure.. That got me thinking about all the times in the last while that someone has made a comment about this guy or that guy found me attractive or whatever.. First let me say, I never really get used to that idea and STILL I choose to reason away their attraction to some other excuse (I was dressed up, I laughed at their jokes more than most.. and the excuses get worse and tend towards really mean towards myself). I realized that I ignore these things not because I am ignorant.. I ignore these as potential options until God shows me otherwise. hmm..

So, that got me thinking on my long drive home... I'm not single and unmarried because of an accident... I'm not single because no guy finds me attractive.. I'm not single because God is punishing me.. I'm single because I have a different task right now, a different job, and if I were married, 1. I Wouldn't be able to do it as well, 2. He wouldn't be able to do it as well, 3. WE wouldn't be serving God BETTER doing this task, and finally, 4. I wouldn't have these experiences for when I would need them later...

All of this has caused me to realize, something I've kinda known all along.. but I didn't really like the idea, I am single because I am doing my best to be obedient to God and His will RIGHT NOW.. Not later when the grass is greener on the other side, but now. I have this wonderful map that leads in a different direction than anyone else's. When you look over where I've been and what I've done.. I wouldn't change that FOR ANYTHING.. pain and all (and trust me there's been a lot of that).. So, why would I suddenly think that I would regret any part of my journey thus far once I'm married? Why would I think "oh if I'd only NOT done those things and instead gotten married.." haha that's a dumb thought process lets be honest.

So, here's my epiphany.. I'm not single by accident. I'm not single cause I'm not pretty enough. I'm not single because I have a character or personality flaw. My singleness is part of a carefully crafted plan... Get that? CAREFULLY CRAFTED.. God made it.

My plan? To choose God's plan, and His will, and to be obedient to Him. Eventually I'll see all the pieces of my journey fall into place, and it will make perfect sense. Until then, I am choosing to be obedient, and I am choosing to run through my life in a 110% full steam ahead manner until God says otherwise. And, lets be honest.. I'll probably still be the same way when I'm married.

So, it's not as though I've been forgotten or put aside for a moment.. THIS is my moment, this is my life, this is the task I've been given, I just haven't reached the point in my journey where his task and mine are the same... Like I said, carefully crafted plan.