So many things to pray for...
So many things to praise for...
Today there are so many things on my heart to pray for, some for jobs, others for healing, a few for peace, and numerous others for clarity and guidance...
Today is one of those days where everything I do has left me with more things to pray about and more moments of silence and stillness while talking to my savior.
"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer." - Psalm 19:14
If you feel inclined here are a few things on my list of prayers:
Prayers for processing and approval to move quickly (as in today).
Prayers for peace and guidance tonight.
Prayers for healing for two different women's fight with cancer.
For friends waiting to hear back from the courts to finally bring their son home from Ethiopia.
For healing for a friend's relative.
Salvation for a couple friends.
Jobs for a couple friends and relatives.
Clarity and guidance for a few different people.
Mar 28, 2012
Deceits and Doctrines...
Once a very long time ago my family faced a very hurtful period of time due to "the church." Going through those experiences was not at all fun, and really quite challenging in almost every way (even though I was only 7, I remember it all fairly vividly). However, what did happen is our family genuinely became a unit, and while my younger brother was just a baby, my older brother and I talked and speculated about what was going on, we shared what we each heard and discussed what we had been told. We knew mom and dad were not necessarily telling us everything because of how young we were, and we were ok with that because we knew and were living the story with them, not to mention we saw and experienced the hurts with them, in our own ways, and above it all trusted them to take care of us.
One of the biggest things produced during that hard time in our family's history is an aversion to anything resembling partial truths. I have so many memories growing up of one or both of my parents responding with righteous indignation over a partial truth, especially if it pertained to something in the Bible. Sometimes I did not understand the passion behind their response, and other times I understood crystal clearly why they were so upset. However, it has been a very long time since I have encountered the Truth taken partially and changed in a dramatic way, in fact, it has been so long that I almost forgot the feeling and emotional (and probably realistically spiritual) reaction I have when it does happen... I had forgotten to the degree that for the last month, I could not figure out why I have been so agitated and had serious aversions to specific situations. I attributed most of my internal frustrations with various other things going on in my life, lack of sleep, stress, relationship conflicts etc.. However, it was not until a roomie sent me this passage that it clicked inside of me what I was struggling with:
One of the biggest things produced during that hard time in our family's history is an aversion to anything resembling partial truths. I have so many memories growing up of one or both of my parents responding with righteous indignation over a partial truth, especially if it pertained to something in the Bible. Sometimes I did not understand the passion behind their response, and other times I understood crystal clearly why they were so upset. However, it has been a very long time since I have encountered the Truth taken partially and changed in a dramatic way, in fact, it has been so long that I almost forgot the feeling and emotional (and probably realistically spiritual) reaction I have when it does happen... I had forgotten to the degree that for the last month, I could not figure out why I have been so agitated and had serious aversions to specific situations. I attributed most of my internal frustrations with various other things going on in my life, lack of sleep, stress, relationship conflicts etc.. However, it was not until a roomie sent me this passage that it clicked inside of me what I was struggling with:
"But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons, by means of the hypocrisy of liars seared in their own conscience as with a branding iron, men who forbid marriage and advocate abstaining from foods which God has created to be gratefully shared in by those who believe and know the truth. For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with gratitude; for it is sanctified by means of the word of God and prayer.
In pointing out these things to the brethren, you will be a good servant of Christ Jesus, constantly nourished on the words of the faith and of the sound doctrine which you have been following. But have nothing to do with worldly fables fit only for old women. On the other hand, discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. It is a trustworthy statement deserving full acceptance. For it is for this we labor and strive, because we have fixed our hope on the living God, who is the Savior of all men, especially of believers.
Prescribe and teach these things. Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe. Until I come, give attention to the public reading of Scripture, to exhortation and teaching. Do not neglect the spiritual gift within you, which was bestowed on you through prophetic utterance with the laying on of hands by the presbytery. Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that your progress will be evident to all. Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you"(emphasis added by the NASB version) - 1 Timothy 4
Thanks to my parents, I have a serious aversion to false doctrines and being deceived.. even if it is only in small ways due to omitting essential information. To this day, I find myself getting worked up, frustrated and passionate when people take things out of context or when they try to spin a half truth, especially as it pertains to the words of my Lord. 1 Timothy 4 is a clear reason as to why I think it is such a big deal. Today I am thankful to finally understand the emotions going on inside of me.
Mar 26, 2012
Face to Face...
Today is one of those days where the weight of who I really am is what is covering my vision. Sometimes I think it is really good for us to come face to face with not only our brokenness, but how much and how often we really do not get things right. Our feelings so often are completely legitimate, we can have perfect rationale, and then we come up against someone else's situation and are made aware of how we have actually completely blown a situation. I, like anyone I suppose, really dislike days like today, but also realize that they are vital to our growth and humility, which ultimately is a good thing I guess.
"In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?" -Romans 8:26-31
"In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?" -Romans 8:26-31
Mar 22, 2012
The Verses in my Head...
The last week has been full of thoughts and prayers rolling around in my head, and at the same time, absolutely nothing to share. Not that I do not have things to share, cause there are a lot of different and unexpected things I could drone on about, some exciting, some weird, some frustrating, and some just aggravating.. but at this point it would just be noise (for your eyes).
So instead, I leave you with a few verses... These verses together are explaining the thoughts in my head as of late.
"How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart all the day?" - Ps. 13:1-2a
So instead, I leave you with a few verses... These verses together are explaining the thoughts in my head as of late.
"How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart all the day?" - Ps. 13:1-2a
"Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You.
I said to the LORD, 'You are my Lord;
I have no good besides You.'” - Ps. 16:1-2
I have no good besides You.'” - Ps. 16:1-2
" Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will dwell securely.
For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol;
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.
My flesh also will dwell securely.
For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol;
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.
You will make known to me the path of life..." -Ps. 16:9-11a
"I have called upon You, for You will answer me, O God;
Incline Your ear to me, hear my speech." - Ps. 17:6
"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer." - Ps 19:14
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer." - Ps 19:14
"To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul.
O my God, in You I trust..." - Ps. 25:1-2a
O my God, in You I trust..." - Ps. 25:1-2a
"Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD." - Ps. 27:14
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD." - Ps. 27:14
Mar 19, 2012
Prayers For My Husband...
Over the last few years, I have been praying for, writing in my prayer journal, and thinking on a fairly regular basis for my (to be) husband.
My prayers eb and flow depending on things going on in my life, the things that are pressing or burdening my heart take over the prayer time, sometimes I will just utter a quick "And please help my husband with things going on in his life, guide him, and help him to know you are near..." and then I'll move on. Other days I am so caught up in praying for my (to be) husband that I end up laying in bed awake for more than an hour... There are days and even weeks when I forget to even think to pray for him, and then suddenly I will be burdened to pray for "whatever situation and decisions are going on or needing to be made" in his life.
It struck me the other day that it is a little odd that I pray for my husband (present tense) as if I have one.. haha.. Which, I do not... Nor do I have any hint or indication of who he might be. But, at the same time, I find it unique and comforting that it feels normal to use the present tense, especially since he does not have a name in my head yet, I do not have a face or voice to give him, so the only other option is to call him my husband..
Lately I have been praying a lot of clarity, guidance, and for him to hear God's voice clearly... There is a pretty good chance part of those prayers are due to the fact that I am needing and wanting those same things from God, but at the same time, I have yet to feel like I am running out of things to pray for clarity and guidance on for him... And, then I have been asking that God's timing in our meeting be perfect, and to keep both of us from growing impatient and making mistakes.
2012 is just a different year.. I am still not sure what to expect from this year.
My prayers eb and flow depending on things going on in my life, the things that are pressing or burdening my heart take over the prayer time, sometimes I will just utter a quick "And please help my husband with things going on in his life, guide him, and help him to know you are near..." and then I'll move on. Other days I am so caught up in praying for my (to be) husband that I end up laying in bed awake for more than an hour... There are days and even weeks when I forget to even think to pray for him, and then suddenly I will be burdened to pray for "whatever situation and decisions are going on or needing to be made" in his life.
It struck me the other day that it is a little odd that I pray for my husband (present tense) as if I have one.. haha.. Which, I do not... Nor do I have any hint or indication of who he might be. But, at the same time, I find it unique and comforting that it feels normal to use the present tense, especially since he does not have a name in my head yet, I do not have a face or voice to give him, so the only other option is to call him my husband..
Lately I have been praying a lot of clarity, guidance, and for him to hear God's voice clearly... There is a pretty good chance part of those prayers are due to the fact that I am needing and wanting those same things from God, but at the same time, I have yet to feel like I am running out of things to pray for clarity and guidance on for him... And, then I have been asking that God's timing in our meeting be perfect, and to keep both of us from growing impatient and making mistakes.
2012 is just a different year.. I am still not sure what to expect from this year.
Mar 13, 2012
Visits...
I have to admit, one of the very best things that has transpired due to living in DC is that I get to see so many people more often than I think I will ever have the chance again. Because DC is such a hub for transportation, things to do, and is centrally located on the East Coast, it makes seeing friends easy... Once or twice a month (on average) friends crash at my place either because they are passing through, they are wanting to visit DC or because work has brought them here. I love how many people I see, how many additional hugs I get, and how many chances I get to catch up with people simply because my location is in DC.
I am so thankful for this chance.
This week, one of my best friends from college is visiting while she's on spring break. It will be fantastic to spend the week playing, sharing my life with her, laughing, and just being friends hanging out again. I am so excited about this week, even though I am working half days all week long to reduce the amount of vacation time I take off, plus it gives her a reason to sleep in! haha
I am so thankful for being here in DC because of opportunities like this.
I am so thankful for this chance.
This week, one of my best friends from college is visiting while she's on spring break. It will be fantastic to spend the week playing, sharing my life with her, laughing, and just being friends hanging out again. I am so excited about this week, even though I am working half days all week long to reduce the amount of vacation time I take off, plus it gives her a reason to sleep in! haha
I am so thankful for being here in DC because of opportunities like this.
Mar 11, 2012
Invisible Children and Kony...
I have had so many conversations about the Kony 2012 campaign by Invisible Children over the last few days. This all fascinates me from a non-profit, communications, and media perspective. It engages me because I love and have loved Africa for years upon years. It excites me because I am a huge advocate of DOING something, of making a difference, or engaging in things that will cause change. It speaks to me because it is an incredibly moving campaign and goal.
With all of that being said, it saddens me that there are things that are coming out as less than above board in regards to Invisible Children and their management of finances. Now, I do not know all the ins and outs of the situation, I have gotten and read lots of information and talked with people some of whom know a lot about the situation, and some know next to nothing. I have yet to make my decision as to whether the ways in which Invisible Children has handled their money over the years is accurate and straight forward. Personally I have not found anything I find alarming, but I also recognize that I do not know enough about the financial laws of non-profits to make an educated decision. I am completely behind the campaign, and the programs Invisible Children claim to be work with and towards, yet, I also recognize that there are a lot of allegations flying as to the allocation of funds, and with so many from so many different directions, there is a chance some of them are accurate.
With that being said, my biggest frustration with the Christian community at large is the idea that because there is something potentially wrong or broken with what is happening (or more specifically in this case with the group trying to do something) let's throw the baby out with the bathwater mentality. Since there is a chance Invisible Children (who as far as I know actually are getting investigated) is handling things incorrectly, let's give up on fighting for what is right, just, and loving. Meaning, if Invisible Children's campaign is not the avenue for which to get rid of Kony (and quite frankly many other terrible and evil men), then what is? How DO we accomplish the idea of what Invisible Children is presenting without necessarily having to go through their organization?
I have a serious problem with pointing out the problems, the flaws, and the issues in an organization, a person, a mission etc.. without then posing an alternative option.
Let's say, Invisible Children are actually complete scoundrels; sad day, and thousands of people will feel hurt and betrayed (myself included). However, what then? Do the thousands of people who believe in the cause suddenly disappear and go on about their life (a fairly likely possibility)? Do we stop fighting for the 30,000 children (who many are actually adults now) that have been soldiers at some point in their life? Do we stop working to create educational opportunities for them?.. If everything with this organization ends up coming out as a sham (gosh I hope not), what then?... I do not know the answer, and as with most things, I am fairly certain it is not a simple or easy answer. What I do know is that regardless of the personal motives, the financial missteps, the lack of communication or the perfect storm of it all, the result of creating a conversation (or thousands of them) is a good thing, I hope that justice is served, and I hope that this all begins to open doors and educate people on so many more things than just Kony, Invisible Children, non-profits, and mass media. I hope that along the way, people become wiser (not more jaded), and begin to open their eyes to the THOUSANDS of things around the world that need people's time, energy, and money to solve. I hope people stay involved, even if all of this falls apart.
My biggest frustration with this whole thing is the criticism by so many Christians without an alternative option.
My second biggest frustration is the "not my problem" attitude by so many Christians...
With a completely different shift and focus on this whole thing, I am completely fascinated by the approach, the effect, the mediums, the masses, and the campaign as a whole. I mean, it all appeals to me because I love Africa, children, African children, and people in general, but also I think a large part of the reason it all intrigues me so much is because most of my career has been spent in non-profits, all of my career has been in communications, and people as a whole fascinate me. Which means, the video, the campaign, the messaging all of it are an incredibly intriguing cause and effect situation to observe and watch play out.
So, what now?
Be involved. DO SOMETHING.
Even if being involved for you (as it will likely mean for me) includes giving money to organizations involved that you know you can trust because you believe in the cause... But, stay in this particular conversation. I have no problem at all with raising awareness about Kony, Kony 2012, the LRA, the Ugandan issues (including the mostly post-war problems that they are currently facing), and Invisible Children. Raising awareness about these things is not the issue, bringing these things to light as atrocities that need to be addressed is a good thing, no matter who you are. The frustrating thing (that I truly hope proves to be false) is the financial accusations of money/donation mismanagement on the part of Invisible Children.
Regardless of how things play out with Invisible Children in the end, and regardless of what comes to light with their financial situation, do not voice an accusation on the cause without having an idea of how to do it better or without a way to help. Whether with this cause or life in general, complaining about the problems without a solution just makes you a part of the problem... If your sole way of "doing something" involves finding a way to help (this cause or another that you yourself are called to) does not actually involve Invisible Children, then do that!.. Just do something instead of pointing to the problems while you sit back lazily on your couch. I do not presume that this cause is for everyone (we are all a part of the body with different roles to play), but be careful not to point to the problems that others ARE called to without giving them the appropriate help planning or way in which they can fulfill their calling. There is a chance this will all blow up, that will be sad, and I will be frustrated (and likely blog about it then too), but instead of making this about one organization's lies, it should be more about the issues and cause itself.
"For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead." - James 2:26
With all of that being said, it saddens me that there are things that are coming out as less than above board in regards to Invisible Children and their management of finances. Now, I do not know all the ins and outs of the situation, I have gotten and read lots of information and talked with people some of whom know a lot about the situation, and some know next to nothing. I have yet to make my decision as to whether the ways in which Invisible Children has handled their money over the years is accurate and straight forward. Personally I have not found anything I find alarming, but I also recognize that I do not know enough about the financial laws of non-profits to make an educated decision. I am completely behind the campaign, and the programs Invisible Children claim to be work with and towards, yet, I also recognize that there are a lot of allegations flying as to the allocation of funds, and with so many from so many different directions, there is a chance some of them are accurate.
With that being said, my biggest frustration with the Christian community at large is the idea that because there is something potentially wrong or broken with what is happening (or more specifically in this case with the group trying to do something) let's throw the baby out with the bathwater mentality. Since there is a chance Invisible Children (who as far as I know actually are getting investigated) is handling things incorrectly, let's give up on fighting for what is right, just, and loving. Meaning, if Invisible Children's campaign is not the avenue for which to get rid of Kony (and quite frankly many other terrible and evil men), then what is? How DO we accomplish the idea of what Invisible Children is presenting without necessarily having to go through their organization?
I have a serious problem with pointing out the problems, the flaws, and the issues in an organization, a person, a mission etc.. without then posing an alternative option.
Let's say, Invisible Children are actually complete scoundrels; sad day, and thousands of people will feel hurt and betrayed (myself included). However, what then? Do the thousands of people who believe in the cause suddenly disappear and go on about their life (a fairly likely possibility)? Do we stop fighting for the 30,000 children (who many are actually adults now) that have been soldiers at some point in their life? Do we stop working to create educational opportunities for them?.. If everything with this organization ends up coming out as a sham (gosh I hope not), what then?... I do not know the answer, and as with most things, I am fairly certain it is not a simple or easy answer. What I do know is that regardless of the personal motives, the financial missteps, the lack of communication or the perfect storm of it all, the result of creating a conversation (or thousands of them) is a good thing, I hope that justice is served, and I hope that this all begins to open doors and educate people on so many more things than just Kony, Invisible Children, non-profits, and mass media. I hope that along the way, people become wiser (not more jaded), and begin to open their eyes to the THOUSANDS of things around the world that need people's time, energy, and money to solve. I hope people stay involved, even if all of this falls apart.
My biggest frustration with this whole thing is the criticism by so many Christians without an alternative option.
My second biggest frustration is the "not my problem" attitude by so many Christians...
With a completely different shift and focus on this whole thing, I am completely fascinated by the approach, the effect, the mediums, the masses, and the campaign as a whole. I mean, it all appeals to me because I love Africa, children, African children, and people in general, but also I think a large part of the reason it all intrigues me so much is because most of my career has been spent in non-profits, all of my career has been in communications, and people as a whole fascinate me. Which means, the video, the campaign, the messaging all of it are an incredibly intriguing cause and effect situation to observe and watch play out.
So, what now?
Be involved. DO SOMETHING.
Even if being involved for you (as it will likely mean for me) includes giving money to organizations involved that you know you can trust because you believe in the cause... But, stay in this particular conversation. I have no problem at all with raising awareness about Kony, Kony 2012, the LRA, the Ugandan issues (including the mostly post-war problems that they are currently facing), and Invisible Children. Raising awareness about these things is not the issue, bringing these things to light as atrocities that need to be addressed is a good thing, no matter who you are. The frustrating thing (that I truly hope proves to be false) is the financial accusations of money/donation mismanagement on the part of Invisible Children.
Regardless of how things play out with Invisible Children in the end, and regardless of what comes to light with their financial situation, do not voice an accusation on the cause without having an idea of how to do it better or without a way to help. Whether with this cause or life in general, complaining about the problems without a solution just makes you a part of the problem... If your sole way of "doing something" involves finding a way to help (this cause or another that you yourself are called to) does not actually involve Invisible Children, then do that!.. Just do something instead of pointing to the problems while you sit back lazily on your couch. I do not presume that this cause is for everyone (we are all a part of the body with different roles to play), but be careful not to point to the problems that others ARE called to without giving them the appropriate help planning or way in which they can fulfill their calling. There is a chance this will all blow up, that will be sad, and I will be frustrated (and likely blog about it then too), but instead of making this about one organization's lies, it should be more about the issues and cause itself.
"For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead." - James 2:26
Mar 10, 2012
I Am Not Able...
This week has been exhausting. Tiring for a whole lot of reasons, some significant and others easily correctable (such as taking a nap)... However, I have been very frustrated on the inside for what feels like stupid things, which has done nothing but add to my exhaustion.
Every few years, I find myself faced with feelings of trust gone awry, hurts and lies that have really done nothing but cause frustration. And, for whatever reason, my only innate solution seems to always resort back to controlling what I allow others to see, hear, and experience when it comes to what is going on in my head and heart. I seem to repeat this cycle every few years or so, and somehow always find myself struggling with the something along the lines of:
Do I trust those around me enough to let them truly see me?
Do I allow those around me to carry my burden with me?
Do I give those around me the chance to show they are trustworthy?
Do I put myself in a place of vulnerability?
Do I matter enough to them to bother them with my issues?
Do I believe that I am worth it?
Then, every time, I seem to commence in a head vs. heart battle. My head knows the logical answers to all of these things, my heart "knows" but seems to stutter when it comes to truly believing, and then I am left paralyzed with indecision and fear.
What I find interesting this time is, I see it. I see what I am doing, I see how I am reacting, I feel the fear intensely, I get what is going on. Yet, through it all, I am still mulling over the questions and doubts. I find my heart refusing to budge, and instead asking questions such as,
What if I am actually too difficult, too frustrating, and too selfish for you to persevere?
What if it takes you too long to get through my walls and all of the mazes, so you give up?
What if I am actually not worth the trouble?
What if my weakness is too much for you to handle with all of your struggles?
What if I cannot actually trust you?
What if you take all of my insecurities and fears and use them against me?
What if all the lies I have taken like battle wounds to my heart are actually true and totally accurate?
What if...... (fill in the blank)
How is it I am 27 and these fears and insecurities (and ultimately lies) come back over and over?
The reality is I have had one, if not several people do or say something (or many things) that has caused one or several of these struggles to become burdens on my heart. These things are not always there, and certainly not in every situation, but enough. Enough that in moments of weakness I am completely lost as to how to reach out. Enough that when I am hurting I do not know how to ask for prayers.. partially because I do not have words to explain the feelings that I am experiencing down to my core. Enough that, I more often than not settle to handle it myself, pray about it a little, and brush it out of my mind so I can move on. Enough that I protect my heart and dance around topics in order to avoid explaining how much I do not have it together, do not know, and am hurting...
What is interesting, is this time around, I have no clue what sparked it.. Sure, I could point to the boy who lied, the frustrations at work, the general exhaustion, the lack of motivation or direction in my life.. I could point to a slew of things that potentially sparked this round of struggles... But, the reality is, I am not sure what actually caused it to come back. (Satan I am sure had a huge role to play.. thank you prince of darkness, who will one day occupy the lake of fire.)
I have had a couple different friends point out this week in various ways that I make it extremely difficult for them to help me, support me or pray for me... I have no idea how to change that, and there is a part of me that does not believe they will stick around long enough to find out.. But, what I do know is I struggle to reach out because the things I am specifically praying for tend to be close to my heart and deeply personal... And, in those moments, with those types of things, I am unsure I want to parade those things and myself to the center of attention. Deep down, I know there are a few friends that are here to stay, and others that God is giving me for a time because they are unique and perfect for this situation.
So, I have no idea where to go from here.
Every few years, I find myself faced with feelings of trust gone awry, hurts and lies that have really done nothing but cause frustration. And, for whatever reason, my only innate solution seems to always resort back to controlling what I allow others to see, hear, and experience when it comes to what is going on in my head and heart. I seem to repeat this cycle every few years or so, and somehow always find myself struggling with the something along the lines of:
Do I trust those around me enough to let them truly see me?
Do I allow those around me to carry my burden with me?
Do I give those around me the chance to show they are trustworthy?
Do I put myself in a place of vulnerability?
Do I matter enough to them to bother them with my issues?
Do I believe that I am worth it?
Then, every time, I seem to commence in a head vs. heart battle. My head knows the logical answers to all of these things, my heart "knows" but seems to stutter when it comes to truly believing, and then I am left paralyzed with indecision and fear.
What I find interesting this time is, I see it. I see what I am doing, I see how I am reacting, I feel the fear intensely, I get what is going on. Yet, through it all, I am still mulling over the questions and doubts. I find my heart refusing to budge, and instead asking questions such as,
What if I am actually too difficult, too frustrating, and too selfish for you to persevere?
What if it takes you too long to get through my walls and all of the mazes, so you give up?
What if I am actually not worth the trouble?
What if my weakness is too much for you to handle with all of your struggles?
What if I cannot actually trust you?
What if you take all of my insecurities and fears and use them against me?
What if all the lies I have taken like battle wounds to my heart are actually true and totally accurate?
What if...... (fill in the blank)
How is it I am 27 and these fears and insecurities (and ultimately lies) come back over and over?
The reality is I have had one, if not several people do or say something (or many things) that has caused one or several of these struggles to become burdens on my heart. These things are not always there, and certainly not in every situation, but enough. Enough that in moments of weakness I am completely lost as to how to reach out. Enough that when I am hurting I do not know how to ask for prayers.. partially because I do not have words to explain the feelings that I am experiencing down to my core. Enough that, I more often than not settle to handle it myself, pray about it a little, and brush it out of my mind so I can move on. Enough that I protect my heart and dance around topics in order to avoid explaining how much I do not have it together, do not know, and am hurting...
What is interesting, is this time around, I have no clue what sparked it.. Sure, I could point to the boy who lied, the frustrations at work, the general exhaustion, the lack of motivation or direction in my life.. I could point to a slew of things that potentially sparked this round of struggles... But, the reality is, I am not sure what actually caused it to come back. (Satan I am sure had a huge role to play.. thank you prince of darkness, who will one day occupy the lake of fire.)
I have had a couple different friends point out this week in various ways that I make it extremely difficult for them to help me, support me or pray for me... I have no idea how to change that, and there is a part of me that does not believe they will stick around long enough to find out.. But, what I do know is I struggle to reach out because the things I am specifically praying for tend to be close to my heart and deeply personal... And, in those moments, with those types of things, I am unsure I want to parade those things and myself to the center of attention. Deep down, I know there are a few friends that are here to stay, and others that God is giving me for a time because they are unique and perfect for this situation.
So, I have no idea where to go from here.
Mar 8, 2012
What is Kony 2012?...
Man, I feel like I got busy for a couple days at work and suddenly I see "Kony 2012" all over my social media outlets.. Which caused me to ask a few people what it was, they gave a few vague answers, I saw several videos floating around Facebook and Twitter, but did not have time to watch the videos until now.
While I am posting the video, I (true to fashion) want to share my thoughts. The video is 30 minutes long... Well. Worth. The. Watch. I cried while watching it, and if you know me, you realize I pretty much never cry...
But, you also know,
I love Africa
I love people
and I love Jesus...
(Jesus is listed last because studies show you will remember the last thing listed the most)
This video (that you are about to watch) is powerful, it is everything a movement SHOULD be. Unlike Occupy Wallstreet, this movement makes sense, it has goals that are SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Bound), the movement shows what to do, how to be involved, and is engaging. So, before I talk a bit about how I feel and what I plan on doing, watch this video... maybe with a tissue or sleeve handy...
If you do not watch the video (see the 3 things you can do at the bottom), the basic goal is to educate EVERYONE as to who Kony is, what he has done, and ensure that the people who CAN do something (politicians) are aware that we WANT them to do something, we want them to step in, and we want them to take the steps necessary to end this.
Here is another article from Foreign Policy that gives a whole lot of information on several parts of this... While I do not agree with his somewhat cynical view of this, I appreciate more information on the entire situation as a whole.
There are so many things about this video that grip my heart. First, there are SO many children that are feeling the affects of this one man (and likely his close military group as well). He is evil, likely controlled and tormented by demons, and his reign has gone one way too long.
To give some perspective, this started when I was one. That is too long.
Also, I love the passion of the man who met Jacob, I love that he is keeping his promise from so many years ago to a hurting and broken boy. I love that he shows how his own little boy even understands what needs to happen, and I love that he has not taken no for an answer.
I love Africa, I love little kids... I love little African boys.. and I am going to support Kony 2012 because I can, because I have the resources to do so, because I love Jesus, Africa, people, children, and do not think it is ever ok for us to stand by when we have the ability to do something, to make a difference.
This whole thing breaks my heart, so I will help.
If you did not watch the video (please do), here are the three quick take aways:
1. Sign the petition here.
2. Get the bracelet and Action Kit here.
3. Donate to Tri here.
Kony 2012.
While I am posting the video, I (true to fashion) want to share my thoughts. The video is 30 minutes long... Well. Worth. The. Watch. I cried while watching it, and if you know me, you realize I pretty much never cry...
But, you also know,
I love Africa
I love people
and I love Jesus...
(Jesus is listed last because studies show you will remember the last thing listed the most)
This video (that you are about to watch) is powerful, it is everything a movement SHOULD be. Unlike Occupy Wallstreet, this movement makes sense, it has goals that are SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Bound), the movement shows what to do, how to be involved, and is engaging. So, before I talk a bit about how I feel and what I plan on doing, watch this video... maybe with a tissue or sleeve handy...
If you do not watch the video (see the 3 things you can do at the bottom), the basic goal is to educate EVERYONE as to who Kony is, what he has done, and ensure that the people who CAN do something (politicians) are aware that we WANT them to do something, we want them to step in, and we want them to take the steps necessary to end this.
Here is another article from Foreign Policy that gives a whole lot of information on several parts of this... While I do not agree with his somewhat cynical view of this, I appreciate more information on the entire situation as a whole.
There are so many things about this video that grip my heart. First, there are SO many children that are feeling the affects of this one man (and likely his close military group as well). He is evil, likely controlled and tormented by demons, and his reign has gone one way too long.
To give some perspective, this started when I was one. That is too long.
Also, I love the passion of the man who met Jacob, I love that he is keeping his promise from so many years ago to a hurting and broken boy. I love that he shows how his own little boy even understands what needs to happen, and I love that he has not taken no for an answer.
I love Africa, I love little kids... I love little African boys.. and I am going to support Kony 2012 because I can, because I have the resources to do so, because I love Jesus, Africa, people, children, and do not think it is ever ok for us to stand by when we have the ability to do something, to make a difference.
This whole thing breaks my heart, so I will help.
If you did not watch the video (please do), here are the three quick take aways:
1. Sign the petition here.
2. Get the bracelet and Action Kit here.
3. Donate to Tri here.
Kony 2012.
Mar 6, 2012
Honesty Saves Hearts...
Yesterday was not exactly a lovely little walk in the park kinda day. I decided to fast yesterday because it was day 20 of the 21 days of prayer, and I knew today would not work well for fasting. Needless to say it was a fairly crappy day for several reasons. While I do not really understand fasting, I do not get what it does, and I do not understand the full scope of the benefits, one thing I can say without any doubts, I am always under a stronger spiritual attack when I am fasting, it is rather aggravating...
I am so thankful for the friend I have here in DC who makes me go to the gym, who kicks my butt when I need it, laughs at me when I am being ridiculous, checks in on me, chills and watches stupid movies with me, for all the times she listens while I vent, the fact that she is honest about her thoughts, and all the times she is just loyal and supportive.. I am so thankful for her in my life, and for knowing that she is not only there for me, but that she will be honest with me regardless.
Last night my bff called to touch base after I texted a few times with her about the day I had. I am so thankful for her, she is always good for my heart.. no matter what mood, what mindset or what emotions I have running through my veins, she is good for me, and never gives into my walls or push-back.
In the midst of the ridiculousness that was yesterday, the lies I was told, and the lies I struggled to defend my mind against, I am so thankful for these two women and the ways in which they make me laugh, they stand and support me when I cannot or do not want to keep moving. I appreciate their lack of letting me wallow, and that they tirelessly fight against my self-wallowing thoughts.
More than anything else, I treasure their honesty... Whether I like it or not, I know that they are telling me the truth always, and on days like yesterday, that knowledge helps muddle through the emotions that cloud my thinking. Without any doubts, these two women help my heart find truth again, find Christ again, and there is no doubt in my mind that God sent them to be my community before I ever realized I would need them. I am so thankful.
I am so thankful for the friend I have here in DC who makes me go to the gym, who kicks my butt when I need it, laughs at me when I am being ridiculous, checks in on me, chills and watches stupid movies with me, for all the times she listens while I vent, the fact that she is honest about her thoughts, and all the times she is just loyal and supportive.. I am so thankful for her in my life, and for knowing that she is not only there for me, but that she will be honest with me regardless.
Last night my bff called to touch base after I texted a few times with her about the day I had. I am so thankful for her, she is always good for my heart.. no matter what mood, what mindset or what emotions I have running through my veins, she is good for me, and never gives into my walls or push-back.
In the midst of the ridiculousness that was yesterday, the lies I was told, and the lies I struggled to defend my mind against, I am so thankful for these two women and the ways in which they make me laugh, they stand and support me when I cannot or do not want to keep moving. I appreciate their lack of letting me wallow, and that they tirelessly fight against my self-wallowing thoughts.
More than anything else, I treasure their honesty... Whether I like it or not, I know that they are telling me the truth always, and on days like yesterday, that knowledge helps muddle through the emotions that cloud my thinking. Without any doubts, these two women help my heart find truth again, find Christ again, and there is no doubt in my mind that God sent them to be my community before I ever realized I would need them. I am so thankful.
Mar 5, 2012
Angels Fighting...
I have always really liked the passage below, but I was reminded of it again last night as I was reading the Circle Maker. I like how we get a glimpse into the spiritual realm... I do not really understand how or why it took 21 days, and the thing that makes it even more real is how natural it seems that Michael had to replace the angel in order for him to continue on his way... Talk about a fight!.. How did they not get tired?
"Then he said to me,
'Do not be afraid, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart on understanding this and on humbling yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to your words. But the prince of the kingdom of Persia was withstanding me for twenty-one days; then behold, Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, for I had been left there with the kings of Persia. Now I have come to give you an understanding of what will happen to your people in the latter days, for the vision pertains to the days yet future'" - Daniel 10:12-14
Today, I am working on praying through... Because what if the delays have little to nothing to do with me, but everything to do with the spiritual battle being waged right now? I honestly have no idea, the delays in answers could be God's plan, could be purposeful to grow me, could be due to someone else's situation or growing... but the idea that there are actually instances when the delay has more to do with the spiritual side than the physical intrigues me.. and offers a weird sense of encouragement.
I think part of what I find so encouraging is the idea that it actually has less to do with me than it feels like sometimes. I know it sounds odd, but I treasure the moments when I realize there is so much more going on than I was aware of, more to take into account than just me and my perspective.. That God actually has a bigger plan than I am aware of, and that more people, more angels, and more is involved all around than just me, my little problems, my prayers, and... well me. I find it humbling to realize that angels are indeed fighting for me because it serves as another reminder of just how important I am to my Lord... And, it also serves as a reminder how undeserving, but how much my sweet savior loves and takes care of me and the things I cannot see or understand.
"Then he said to me,
'Do not be afraid, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart on understanding this and on humbling yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to your words. But the prince of the kingdom of Persia was withstanding me for twenty-one days; then behold, Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, for I had been left there with the kings of Persia. Now I have come to give you an understanding of what will happen to your people in the latter days, for the vision pertains to the days yet future'" - Daniel 10:12-14
Today, I am working on praying through... Because what if the delays have little to nothing to do with me, but everything to do with the spiritual battle being waged right now? I honestly have no idea, the delays in answers could be God's plan, could be purposeful to grow me, could be due to someone else's situation or growing... but the idea that there are actually instances when the delay has more to do with the spiritual side than the physical intrigues me.. and offers a weird sense of encouragement.
I think part of what I find so encouraging is the idea that it actually has less to do with me than it feels like sometimes. I know it sounds odd, but I treasure the moments when I realize there is so much more going on than I was aware of, more to take into account than just me and my perspective.. That God actually has a bigger plan than I am aware of, and that more people, more angels, and more is involved all around than just me, my little problems, my prayers, and... well me. I find it humbling to realize that angels are indeed fighting for me because it serves as another reminder of just how important I am to my Lord... And, it also serves as a reminder how undeserving, but how much my sweet savior loves and takes care of me and the things I cannot see or understand.
Mar 1, 2012
Silence and Prayer...
I have been thinking a lot in the last couple weeks about prayer.. I have been praying.. attempting to pray.. thinking.. talking... reading.. all on prayer. Part of it is due to the 21 days of prayer my small group is doing, some of it has to deal with the 21 days of prayer I did in January, still even more of it has to do with the lent season, and even MORE of it has to do with the fact that I have felt like this year is going to be about prayer. Which, I like this year's theme.. I would rather 2012 be about prayer and connecting with my lord and savior than just about anything else, especially after the challenges in 2010-2011.
What I find interesting, challenging, and frustrating all at the same is the cadence and pattern for which I have been praying this week. Earlier this week I was so frustrated at praying that I literally said two things over.. and over.. and over.. and over.. and over "Speak to me.." "Help me..." I fell asleep switching back and forth between saying speak to me on repeat, and then help me. I woke up the next morning feeling.. nothing. I felt no better, I felt isolated, and as I drove into work I literally had a mental picture of a cement block room. I felt as though there was this wall, this thing blocking me from talking to my love, my lord.. SOMETHING was in the way, but I had no idea what it was or what to do. In fact for the first time in I don't even know how long, I felt like my prayers were bouncing off the cement walls.. like they were hitting absolutely nothing. I remember getting about five minutes into my 30 minute drive to work and mentally tagging the wall with the back of my hand and saying "Lord, what is this?!.. Where did it come from?! And why do I feel like I am talking to a brick wall?!" ... Then, nothing.
Silence.
I got to work and was annoyed because while I figured it was likely me, I wanted a clue as to what was causing it so I could make it better, so I could repent, find out what was going on, and right myself once again so I could be in the presence of my God once again.
About halfway through my day, I was taking a mental break from work and reading through blogs (I love blogs more than any other social media), I read this blog, and the title screamed at me: "God's Silence is Not His Absence." I had a wave of relief wash over me, and I mentally felt the cement walls melt away. Once again I was reminded that God IS working, I just have to be content always to let God be God, and for me... not to. Even if in order to let God be God, that means I have to sit in what feels like total silence.
This last week or so has been almost excruciating because I have been trying to pray, I have been working to build daily habits (which is part of the goal of the 21 days of prayer), and I have been trying to listen.. But, all week I have felt nothing but silence, which causes my mind to wander, and my focus to seriously struggle. Which is ironic since two of the big things I am praying for during this 21 days of prayer have to do with clarity, guidance, and a much higher level of familiarity with God's voice... Ironic that He's doing that through silence. Once of the comments that Pete Wilson says in his blog is, "Most of us have been trained to hear God speak, but we don’t know what to do with His silence." I had no idea how true that was until this week. The other thing that has struck me this week, that I am really working to guard my heart against is, "When we are waiting on God, that is when we are most prone to idolatry." I do not want my waiting in silence, my lack of focus, and my wandering mind to lead me down a path of idolatry of something else.
What an interesting 21 days of prayer this round has been, completely different than in January.
What I find interesting, challenging, and frustrating all at the same is the cadence and pattern for which I have been praying this week. Earlier this week I was so frustrated at praying that I literally said two things over.. and over.. and over.. and over.. and over "Speak to me.." "Help me..." I fell asleep switching back and forth between saying speak to me on repeat, and then help me. I woke up the next morning feeling.. nothing. I felt no better, I felt isolated, and as I drove into work I literally had a mental picture of a cement block room. I felt as though there was this wall, this thing blocking me from talking to my love, my lord.. SOMETHING was in the way, but I had no idea what it was or what to do. In fact for the first time in I don't even know how long, I felt like my prayers were bouncing off the cement walls.. like they were hitting absolutely nothing. I remember getting about five minutes into my 30 minute drive to work and mentally tagging the wall with the back of my hand and saying "Lord, what is this?!.. Where did it come from?! And why do I feel like I am talking to a brick wall?!" ... Then, nothing.
Silence.
I got to work and was annoyed because while I figured it was likely me, I wanted a clue as to what was causing it so I could make it better, so I could repent, find out what was going on, and right myself once again so I could be in the presence of my God once again.
About halfway through my day, I was taking a mental break from work and reading through blogs (I love blogs more than any other social media), I read this blog, and the title screamed at me: "God's Silence is Not His Absence." I had a wave of relief wash over me, and I mentally felt the cement walls melt away. Once again I was reminded that God IS working, I just have to be content always to let God be God, and for me... not to. Even if in order to let God be God, that means I have to sit in what feels like total silence.
This last week or so has been almost excruciating because I have been trying to pray, I have been working to build daily habits (which is part of the goal of the 21 days of prayer), and I have been trying to listen.. But, all week I have felt nothing but silence, which causes my mind to wander, and my focus to seriously struggle. Which is ironic since two of the big things I am praying for during this 21 days of prayer have to do with clarity, guidance, and a much higher level of familiarity with God's voice... Ironic that He's doing that through silence. Once of the comments that Pete Wilson says in his blog is, "Most of us have been trained to hear God speak, but we don’t know what to do with His silence." I had no idea how true that was until this week. The other thing that has struck me this week, that I am really working to guard my heart against is, "When we are waiting on God, that is when we are most prone to idolatry." I do not want my waiting in silence, my lack of focus, and my wandering mind to lead me down a path of idolatry of something else.
What an interesting 21 days of prayer this round has been, completely different than in January.
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