So, I have such a swirl of emotions going through my head and heart right now. Not really bad things, just a mixture of things. A few days ago a couple friends and I sat together in NYC and shared thoughts about each other, funny observations, strengths and weaknesses, and a whole bunch of other things.. But, the thing that stuck with me the most was how totally and completely different each of our perspectives are from each other's. For example, the things that I saw as strength or some of their most endearing qualities, things that are attractive, first thoughts and impressions.. not at all what they would have expected or ever thought of themselves. And, it was definitely a vice-versa type thing. It was interesting because we also shared what we thought was one of the things the others thought we could work on.. and mine was.. not what I was expecting, but I can see how it fits, and it has added an interesting dynamic to my prayers.
Last Sunday one of my friends spoke in our Sunday school class, and I was so excited because he spoke on something I have been thinking about a lot.. and had JUST been thinking about it literally minutes before he began speaking. He spoke about Jacob, and all the characteristics of Jacob, and how he stole Esau's identity essentially.. and how when he saw God in a dream his response was "if you do these things.. then I will do this.." and we began fleshing out our instinct to pull "if... then.." statements on God. Which really got me thinking.. "Do I do this?" So, in an attempt to figure this out.. later in the shower I got down on my knees, and I laid it all out before God and just told Him it is all for Him anyway. That regardless of what He asks, tells, directs, anything... Here I am, send me. I know this brings pain, and heartache, and trials, and rough times. And, I am ok with that. I am ok knowing that I am struggling when it comes from Jesus.
Let me just explain that I am... apprehensive about what God will ask of me this next year, but I also do not care what it is. I just want to know I am doing what He has asked me to. I will follow His lead.
Our conversation was interesting, because the things that were said about me, specifically in the compliments realm were things I have never heard when someone was describing me.. ever. I had never heard them as qualities I have, traits, or characteristics I posses. It was interesting, and definitely has caused me to think and smile knowing and accepting something new that I never had entered into my realm before. I cannot express how much I cherish honesty, even when it is hard to accept, I appreciate knowing those around me are serious and not telling me fluff or just telling me what I want to hear. That simple fact allows me to accept their compliments as well as their objective feedback that I might not like... But is true.
I do not want to live my life as an "if you do this, then I will do this.." whether that is directed at God, my friends, my future bf/husband.. I do not want to have a 50/50 perspective on relationships. I want to give everything I have to everyone I can.
Here I am Jesus, send me. Take away my selfish desires, take away my thoughts of myself first, give me more of you in my mind and heart, give me the thoughts I should have, help me to see when you are moving and speaking to me. Help me follow without fear for anything. You alone.