Something New...

I have had an interesting few weeks, I have been experiencing and walking through, and into some new situations and feelings, and it has brought on some new thoughts and revelations about myself.

Typically, I am a very confident and self assured person. I know who I am and what I believe in when it comes to most any area of myself or my life. However, there are a few circumstances (ok maybe just one) where I begin to allow doubts to creep in.. in fact, it is less that I allow it and more that the devil and I have our own special code for what I should feel or think.. or in reality doubt about myself. I have found myself in that situation again recently, but this time it has caused different reactions or responses than what I have experienced in the past. For example, while all the emotions are still there, the freak outs are very minimal because I have very little guessing to do which keeps my mind from running away like a crazy person... I am finding that I am getting the chance to process through things before I need to react, and thankfully, I have begun to realize where some of my emotions or fears have come from.. which allows me the chance to work through them instead of merely ignore them, only to then have to deal with them at a later inconvenient date.

I have had a few revelations.. or things told to me recently, some of which I know, but often forget, and others I have simply not every considered before. For example, it was brought to my attention that I am of "amazing" character, morals, convictions, care, and love.. (aww thank you) and then it was pointed out that this person thinks part of the reason I am still single has more to do with how intimidating my stance on me not having sex before marriage is to the guys who pursue me... It was an interesting thought that I had never really considered before.. Not that it changes anything, but is just something I had never thought of... Thankfully the person who told me also affirmed their respect and admiration for my position on it, which meant I was not confused about their position or reason for telling me...

I also have realized lately how much I am used to taking care of myself.. I mean, I know that being single sort of brings with it a level of self-centeredness and independence (neither of which are necessarily bad things, but more just a byproduct of not having to run things by someone else). In the process of realizing my natural tendency towards taking care of myself, I realized how much of a struggle.. and I mean legitimate struggle it is for me to let someone else take care of me.. I almost view it as my responsibility to take care of others, not let them take care of me... That's been an interesting thing to learn, and try and walk through.. Graciously.

In addition, I have begun to really process through some of my fears and some of the things that have happened to me in the past. Ways I have been hurt, ways I made poor decisions that lead to additional pain, and ways that I had no idea situations affected me until I had an emotional reaction about them later. It is incredibly interesting to discover things about yourself that you just had no idea existed until the emotions take over.. it is very humbling and difficult to acknowledge.

What I do know at this point is there are new things in my life that are good things, but not easy things that will prove to force me to grow in ways I have never had to before. Should be interesting...

If.. Then..

So, I have such a swirl of emotions going through my head and heart right now. Not really bad things, just a mixture of things. A few days ago a couple friends and I sat together in NYC and shared thoughts about each other, funny observations, strengths and weaknesses, and a whole bunch of other things.. But, the thing that stuck with me the most was how totally and completely different each of our perspectives are from each other's. For example, the things that I saw as strength or some of their most endearing qualities, things that are attractive, first thoughts and impressions.. not at all what they would have expected or ever thought of themselves. And, it was definitely a vice-versa type thing. It was interesting because we also shared what we thought was one of the things the others thought we could work on.. and mine was.. not what I was expecting, but I can see how it fits, and it has added an interesting dynamic to my prayers.

Last Sunday one of my friends spoke in our Sunday school class, and I was so excited because he spoke on something I have been thinking about a lot.. and had JUST been thinking about it literally minutes before he began speaking. He spoke about Jacob, and all the characteristics of Jacob, and how he stole Esau's identity essentially.. and how when he saw God in a dream his response was "if you do these things.. then I will do this.." and we began fleshing out our instinct to pull "if... then.." statements on God. Which really got me thinking.. "Do I do this?" So, in an attempt to figure this out.. later in the shower I got down on my knees, and I laid it all out before God and just told Him it is all for Him anyway. That regardless of what He asks, tells, directs, anything... Here I am, send me. I know this brings pain, and heartache, and trials, and rough times. And, I am ok with that. I am ok knowing that I am struggling when it comes from Jesus.

Let me just explain that I am... apprehensive about what God will ask of me this next year, but I also do not care what it is. I just want to know I am doing what He has asked me to. I will follow His lead.

Our conversation was interesting, because the things that were said about me, specifically in the compliments realm were things I have never heard when someone was describing me.. ever. I had never heard them as qualities I have, traits, or characteristics I posses. It was interesting, and definitely has caused me to think and smile knowing and accepting something new that I never had entered into my realm before. I cannot express how much I cherish honesty, even when it is hard to accept, I appreciate knowing those around me are serious and not telling me fluff or just telling me what I want to hear. That simple fact allows me to accept their compliments as well as their objective feedback that I might not like... But is true.

I do not want to live my life as an "if you do this, then I will do this.." whether that is directed at God, my friends, my future bf/husband.. I do not want to have a 50/50 perspective on relationships. I want to give everything I have to everyone I can.

Here I am Jesus, send me. Take away my selfish desires, take away my thoughts of myself first, give me more of you in my mind and heart, give me the thoughts I should have, help me to see when you are moving and speaking to me. Help me follow without fear for anything. You alone.