Oh, Boys...

I was chatting with one of my best friends today, and we were doing the normal girl talk.. joking about who our future husbands were, and what our lives would be like.. We get a kick out of making the other one's story more ridiculous than they made our story... Which got me thinking...

Where is my heart right now on this topic?.. Praise Jesus not where it has been in the past! I am totally content with my life (which is not to say I do not have hard days/weeks etc..). When I look at my life, there are, and will always be things I "wish" I could remove from it.. but, in all honesty, there is not really anything that is glaring enough that it causes major discontentment at all. In fact I love my life, I love how busy I am, the insane pace I keep, I do not mind that I might have to work to fit people into my life.. but I have no real reason to complain at all...

I go to 3 Bible studies a week, and church twice a week. I go dancing most Fridays, and mix the rest of my free time with leaders meetings, working out, friends, and random trips or things I really should do (like laundry)...

So, why do I feel like this is important to point out?..

Because, all of these little things add to why I am really not interested in a relationship right now. Not to say I will never want one, but right now it just seems like a lot of work, and potential drama that I just do not have the time or energy to deal with. My focus is elsewhere. SOMEDAY, I would love to find a guy, have him pursue me, fall in love, get married, have a family, and spend our life serving our Savior. But, that time is not now, I am content to grow and move... while learning to be dependent on my Savior alone. I have things I still need to work on in my own life and heart before I can even think of focusing on someone else... Jesus and I are working a lot still, slowly, but steadily.

Despite the numerous times a week I get asked if I like someone or if I am dating someone (which I do not and am not), I am really just living life.. NOT planning anything. I have no ulterior motives, and have made an effort to be clear about my actions simply being a result of who I am, not what I am trying to accomplish.

To be fair, none of this is a slam or anything towards any guy... it is not my way of subtly saying "I don't like you." And, this is not a vow of singleness for however long for whatever reason... It is simply where I am at right now. Are there exceptions?.. sure. Is there a guy I "like?" No.. No guys are pursuing, so my current feelings of contentment where I am right now is perfect for me :) How would I react if a guy started pursuing?.. No idea, it would totally depend on the guy... If he intrigues me then I will be open and probably really excited and scared at the same time about it..

But, right now. I enjoy where I am... Which is as single as they come :)

Panera Moments...

So, I do not really have any profound thing to say or any big revelation that I feel the need to share... Just sorta thoughts about a random encounter recently.

Last weekend I got to go to a good friend's wedding in KY. It was great to see her and just get to chat for a little while. Another friend went with me cause he has really good friends that live in the area. We had a great weekend, amazingly got away with minimal questions on if we were "together" ... the most blatant one came from a TOTAL God moment on our drive home... When discussing what the plan was for dinner, since it was going to fall about mid-drive back, I decided against any sort of burger or fastfood... so he decided on Panera. Thanks to his new iphone we found one.. but it somehow took us an extra 15 minutes to find it and get there.. Once we got there, we were just joking about random things and the guy in front of us turned around and out of the blue asked if we were having a good night, I said yeah we were.. and asked if he was. He explained that he was because he had his whole family together for a little while. So, I asked him where they were from, and he introduced himself, his son, and by that point his other children and wife were sitting down. So, I ordered my food and we chatted for a bit.. then I walked down to wait for my food, soon followed by the guy's wife, who began chatting with me about where I'm from, where I live, what I do etc..etc.. basics.. The son walked up again and began talking with me as we waited for food.. he totally out of the blue asks "are you guys married?" I just started laughing.. "No, we're not married, not together, not dating, we're just friends..." He apologized several times, and I laughed it off telling him it happens all the time, he's just one of my best friends so people mistake that for more. At that point my friend walked up and we started talking about other things.. At the end, we were getting ready to leave with our food and my friend stops and says "Do you mind if we pray for you before we go?" The son was fairly happy about the idea and said sure, and we prayed, did the basic goodbyes.. and left.

All I can think of is the randomness that was that entire encounter, and the length of time it took us to FIND Panera.. Had we found it earlier we would have missed them totally... To have his dad randomly turn around to ask if we are having a good evening... Just simply the flow of the encounter was really neat. No idea what will become of that encounter, I just think it is cool that my friend was able to ask to pray with him, and that the entire exchange was so positive. :)

Love, Where is Your Fire?...

Randomly, even though I have been listening to this song for a long time.. I out of the blue realized EXACTLY what it was talking about... haha.. I am real slow sometimes. Anyway, just thought I would share a song that has an amazing insight into the Christian walk... :)

"Love, where is your fire
I've been sittin' here smokin' away
Making signals with sticks
And odd ends and bits
But still there's no sign of a flame

Imposters have been passing
Offerin' a good-feeling glow
But I'm holding out
For what you are about
An inferno that burns to the bone

Some urge
Me to be temperate
Luke-warm will never do

[Chorus]
'Cos I, I wanna blaze with you
So I'm holdin' my heart out to you
Holdin' my heart out

So I stand, handing out torches
Speaking words that are lamps to their feet
'Til the time when you come
And I'm whole and we are one
And the fire in me is complete

Some tell me
To be moderate
But lukewarm will never do

'Cos I, I know I'll blaze with you
So I'm holdin' my heart out to you

Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind (back of my mind)
That I'll offer you me, and you'll politely decline (no thank you)
So I hasten to mute it
I'll shout and rebuke it away

'Cos I
I know I'll blaze with you
So I'm holdin' my heart out to you, to you, to you
'Cos I, I know I'll blaze with you
So I'm holdin' my heart out to you
Holdin' my heart out" - Love, Where is your Fire? - Brooke Fraser

New Perspective...

So, I have known most of my life that I lack a lot of compassion for stupid people who bring things on themselves. And, when I say I lacked compassion, my first response was to say "see, you're an idiot.."

And then, I went to Africa for Thanksgiving last year. While the trip was not my first mission trip, locally, abroad.. or even to Africa. I knew what to expect, I knew what food to avoid, what smells I would encounter, what to pack, and I knew how to go with whatever was thrown at me... Then Jesus threw me a curveball and I was not prepared... HE Himself intervened and touched my heart. haha... weird that of all things, I had not prepared for that. I mean I prayed for it, seriously prayed for weeks upon weeks that I would see His face. And then, I did and was changed. I did not see it in a child, in the people I met, in the voices I heard, in anything I could attribute it to except Jesus wanted to tell me something, He wanted to share with me things that I did not understand.

I saw what He sees, and I was changed.

Since then, my compassion (or mercy as some call it) has been totally different. I still (and probably will forever) have a bit of the "you brought this on yourself" attitude in certain situations... But, it is not even close to my first response. In fact, it is probably not even the first couple thoughts when presented with a situation where the person did in fact bring whatever consequence they are experiencing on themselves........

So, what do I think now?

Now I hurt for them. Mostly I hurt because they are hurting and broken, and while some know it, far to many have no idea. That breaks my heart. Now, instead of seeing their actions and focusing on that, I have begun to see and focus on the why behind the action. The whole reason they are doing certain things, and the reason they are unable to see the greater meaning behind it all. I have also begun to really realize I can see it in their eyes.. almost without fail. Interestingly enough, even when they are smiling and laughing often I can pick up that something is off.

Once (probably more than once though) one of my very wise friends pointed out to another friend, that it would be a mistake to confuse the fact that just because someone does not react to what is observed, that they did not ever observe it in the first place.

So, right now my heart hurts for those people who are hurting. Jesus is the only thing that can fix their problems. I am powerless. My role to play is simply to be me, to be in their lives, consistent, encouraging, loving, praying, whatever God asks me to do... But ultimately I am not the one who is going to fix anything, I am playing a minor role. And, I am ok with that.

Just Consistent..

I was having a conversation late last night with a new friend who is proving to be an absolute God send. She lives "around the corner" which really means about 4 blocks away.. but still walking distance... Anyway, we were talking last night about various people and ourselves and the way our friends interact, portray themselves, as well as the ways we do that. All the different things we notice, pick up on, or do in order to get certain reactions.

I was amazed at the things she has noticed.. For example, Sunday mornings in sunday school I give announcements, and I give them a certain way, portraying myself as less confident.. but I play it up enough that it ends up being funny. So, we talked about that for a while and all the different things we have noticed about each other and our other friends.

Then, she told me about a conversation she had where she explained to the other person that the things they see me doing are just me.. it is consistent with everyone I am around, guy or girl, regardless of who they are or are not in my life. I was so unbelievably relieved that she not only had that conversation, but also recognized the consistency. It was such a breath of fresh air that someone who has known me a relatively short amount of time can see consistency in the way I act and the things I say. I get told all the time how different I act and how much it throws people off.. mostly because I am comfortable with myself, and around most people in most situations.

My mom always worries about how I come across, which I understand :) But, I am aware that there are certain people who I just have to be very careful with how I interact with them. Based solely on the fact that they misinterpret my intentions.. regardless of what I tell them. So, around those people I am very careful, but for the most part I am the exact same... Meaning I love playful banter, serious conversations, questions about thoughts and ideas, talking about Jesus.. or anything in that realm really.

All this to say, I love this "new" friend.. she is truly sent by Jesus to me along with so many other friends :)

Crazy Person...

I feel like a crazy person. Almost as though I am crazy, but only think I am sane... and in reality, everyone around me is truly the sane ones... Confused yet? Me too... Good grief.

In multiple areas of my life people are reacting and responding to things that are seriously confusing. The situations in and of themselves I understand, and I can even see where what I did would confuse or upset them, but when I begin to explain (again with the ocd need to be understood), they act as though what I am saying makes no logical sense at all... I am trying, truly trying to understand where their issue is, especially after I have given possible options to the situations and that does not seem to solve the problem. If any of these things were one at a time it would be no big deal, I would gracefully be able to handle them and it would be no worries.. but when multiple ones come up at the same time while I have a million other things to work on and worry about..

I am not totally sure what to do, and I have no idea how to actually react because my instinctive reaction is to get mad, and yell, and demolish them with a flurry of reasons and explanations that would cause them to pause and think in order to catch everything I have said.. But, the reality is that does not really solve anything but help me "get my way" which is not really what I want either... I want to actually SOLVE these issues, which means shutting my mouth and listening... gah! I just find it all frustrating, and something I would rather not have to deal with at all... Which, lets be honest, that is a large portion of adulthood, dealing with things we would rather not deal with...

Jesus time. That's what I need.. serious Jesus time because I am beyond full in my capacity to handle and deal with whatever I have on my plate right now.