I know I've said this before.. but I want so much to be perfect. Not God, but perfect.. I hate missing the mark. :/
I was talking with a friend today and we somehow got on the subject of what we do for other people. I explained my schedule and how few full weekends I actually get with my job and he was amazed at the pace of life I live haha.. But, he cautioned that I be careful not to burn myself out, that I needed to make sure I was taking time for myself and to rejuvenate. I just laughed and explained I tend to live by "go, go, go, and go" until I crash.. then I do whatever I need to recenter myself and do it all over again. The length of time depends on what I was doing and what actually caused me to feel "spent." Like for example I ALWAYS get sick the last week of camp.. apparently 10 weeks is my limit for that pace that I set for myself haha.. During Christmas break I would always sleep 12-16 hours a night for the first 3-4 nights.. Mom said she figured I needed it and was recouping.. Other times it's that I go and go doing things that require emotional energy, and those always require a different way of refreshing, which also depends on what it was.. and a large part on things I really won't go into online :)
So, our conversation moved to why I go so hard, and I tried explaining that I really can't come up with a good reason to tell someone no just because I don't want to or don't feel like it.. (This is where I'm having to start MAKING myself push things a little so I have time to work out.. my body will fall apart otherwise.)
But, here's my philosophy on that..
1. Going out of my way for others isn't really as big a deal or as hard as people make it out to be, so why not?...
2. I can't justify saying no to their need or want when it's just because I "want" to say no or I don't "feel" like it.
3. People are more important than things or my schedule, gas, energy (or lack of).. and they are definitely worth less sleep, fa niggling the schedule to get it to work, being late to help someone out (if you know me you realize how HUGE that is), and it's worth having an insane schedule so they can have my time.
4. Being busy is better than being bored.
But.. then last night I found an imperfection in my philosophy.. a flaw.. something less than perfect... I realize that when someone makes me mad, I don't trust them, they annoy me, hurt me on purpose etc..etc.. I not only abandon the anything to help (or love) them philosophy.. I actually do the opposite.. I avoid and ignore them.. and I harbor feelings of not wanting anyone else to either.. THAT'S HORRIBLE! I realized because of a situation I've been partially involved in (although it was not my choosing) and partially there to observe how it played out with others.. I realized that I really struggle with showing love to those who I feel have betrayed, hurt, whatever whatever maliciously.. I don't want others to help them either, and when they do or do want to, I realized I have to suppress the urge to inform them of every injustice the person has done..
That's Terrible. Awful. Horrible. Not at all Loving.
I understand there's a certain line where if someone is going to try and help another there is some information they could use, but... that's only a good helpful thing if my heart intends it that way.. if I intend it to be good and helpful for the person to use to reach out... otherwise it becomes gossip and malicious.
That's horrible. I mean people say "oh everyone's like that.." Psh.. please, as though that's ever been a good excuse for me... Everyone is not perfect, so obviously I'm not trying to be like them.. Jesus is perfect so clearly I'm trying to be like Him.
So, my resolve?.. To pray for those people.. Sounds silly and insignificant.. but it's truly not. I may not be able to reach them or change their lives.. but at the VERY least I can not wish ill will on them or try to cause more problems by convincing others of what to be aware of and avoid. I realize I can't help everyone, and I was not made to reach certain people.. but I should be praying for those who are reaching them or trying to.. and I should be praying for the hearts of those that I struggle with.
Dang I hate not being perfect.