Humbled Heart...

Even when I have it all together, things out of my control spiral into chaos. I can do nothing wrong, and still find myself in the midst of issues and problems to solve...

Last night I was faced with a situation that to be totally honest is not the end of the world, or even close to it. Yet, somehow it still hit just the right spot at the right time to cause a meltdown of sorts.. probably the closest to a meltdown that I have had in.. more than a year probably.

All the details aside, the biggest thing was the realization once again of how totally out of my hands everything is. I can do everything right, mind my own business, keep the confidence of friends.. and yet somehow that can still lead to my character being questioned. I am not totally sure why it irks me so badly when my character is questioned.. or I guess when it is questioned by people who should know me better than that.

Regardless, this situation became like a title-wave, I suddenly was face to face with the realization that I am helpless. But, it was more than that, I feel like I am being shown the areas of my life that I feel I have it all together, that I do not really need God to take complete control and guide me...

Jesus is really been working into me the need for my reliance on Him.. even (or especially) when I feel like I have it all together..

So, somehow this situation, that ultimately was not the biggest of deals, lead to me sitting in a small garden with a water fountain and several benches after dark, bawling and praying to my sweet Savior to help me.. explaining that I was afraid of being helpless and not wanting to learn these things that it seems like He is trying to teach me, I was frustrated and I know I need Him, but haven't a clue how to make everything work. I was frustrated that even when I do nothing wrong things still fall apart, and in the process I take the attacks on my character personal. Satan knows where to plant the fears, and I do not like the idea that I cannot handle whatever comes my way. But, the reality is I cannot... Even the smallest of things need to be given over, let go of, relinquished.. That's where true freedom will come...

*sigh* I feel like I have a lot to learn suddenly.