I have read so many amazing blogs lately written by men and women alike talking about the beauty of women. Each blog has addressed aches, insecurities, accomplishments, frivolous things, important things, eternal and fleeting things.. Basically you name it, and I have recently read a blog about some perspective on beauty. Most of what I have read has been of serious encouragement to me, not because I am struggling to any great length with beauty, but because I am honestly trying to keep my eyes focused on what true beauty should look like...
If I am being completely honest, I vacillate between confident in who I am and how I look, to hiding how I look behind the correct fitting clothes. I do my very best to approach how I feel about my body in a correct way, reminding myself that my value is in Who's I am, not how I feel on any given day. I work to ensure I eat (at least mostly) correctly instead of allowing my momentary feelings to dictate what goes into my mouth. But most of all, I try to be vigilant in not allowing comparing thoughts of another girl's beauty to define my own, and then subsequently allow the view of my beauty to define my worth.
But even still, it takes a lot of work to not allow thoughts of my "beauty" to consume me; but, it is hard.
There are days where I desperately wish my "fine but not flat" stomach was tone and flat.
There are days I wish my acne would just leave me alone already...
There are days I wish my crazy hair would just decide what it wanted to do.
There are days I wish.... I wish... I wish... Fill in the blank because I have probably thought it or wished it.
How frustrating to live in a constant state of struggle with my view of my own beauty!
There is a small part of me that wants to chant over and over that wanting to be beautiful on the outside is vain and pointless, but that just does not ring true to me.. I know without any doubts I was created to be beautiful, regardless of how I feel today. So, instead I work to focus on what does ring true, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"... and in this case, the beholder made me to be beautiful. I was made to showcase the creators beautiful side, but also His fierce, merciful, loving, caring, and unique sides. I was made (along with all the other girls in the world) to showcase a specific set of attributes that guys do not have.
As I get older, I do not want to be filled with memories of longing to be beautiful, but I would rather be filled with memories of experiences and a confidence that only comes from Christ. When I am fulfilling my purpose in Christ I feel confident, I feel beautiful, I feel capable, and I feel as though I radiate from the very core of who I am.
I struggle daily with the way I look at my physical self. I view myself as "fine" or "ok," and as much as that frustrates those around me, and as much as I am truly thankful for all my amazing family and friends that tell me and explain the beauty they see, it is Christ alone who can whisper to the very core of my soul that I am beautiful, and He alone sees me and knows my thoughts as I stand in front of my long mirror and judge whether my "fine but not flat" stomach is flat enough to wear a particular shirt on any given day.
Lately however, I have been sloowly shifting my focus from the right now, this morning as I pick out an outfit perspective, to the lifetime view of my physical body... When I am 80, will I be able to look back and be satisfied with my body, shape, beauty, activities, experiences, and feel as though I had a healthy view all those years? Or will I look back and regret the time wasted like a vapor worrying over whether I was not perfect in my own eyes? Taking a long distance view of my body puts a different perspective on it for me... I do not want to spend my life in wasted vapors wishing I was made like someone else, I would rather spend those precious moments becoming who God intended for me to be, so that I can radiate who He is throughout ever bit of my body, my heart, and my mind... whether I meant to radiate Christ or not.
Oh my dear Lord, please help me.