I cannot count the number of conversations I have had in the last several months where people have told me how wonderful of a person I am... How beautiful I am.. How lovely of a laugh (it's loud and obnoxious..) I have.. How caring I am.. How faithful and unconditionally loving I am.. How patient I am... The list goes on and on...
Ask my brothers, and you will soon begin to realize, that most of these things are not naturally or inherently me, they are complete and total examples of our Lord in my life. Especially, when you look at my patience level in several situation in my life as of late, they are clear indications of God moving and molding me in totally new ways to be the Krista Paula Beata He wants me to be.
I am finding that the compliments are sweet and thoughtful, and I appreciate them (who wouldn't), but I also realized the other day that it is adding to a conflict in my mind. If all of these things they say are true, especially with how much the "fact" that I am this fantastic and wonderful person has gotten emphasized... If those things are true, why are the actual actions of so many of these exact same people indicative of that not being the case at all? I can tell lots of stories of people who have told me how beautiful and wonderful I am, how I am exactly what they are looking for, and yet somehow their actions do not line up even still. I can tell even more stories of people who have pursued friendships with me only to turn around and use the status of being my friend as a talking point in groups...
If I am this person they describe, why is it that they do not seek me out when they know I am hurting? If these things are true, why am I still single? If these things are true, why am I not more successful then I am? If these things are true, why am I not impacting more lives? If these things are true, why are more people still pointing to me instead of God in my life? If these things are true, why do I feel like such a failure so often?
I don't know.
What I do know is I feel a disconnect when people compliment me. Part of me appreciates the thought of their words, and another part of me is sparked into thinking they are just being polite and actually have no intention of being authentic or allowing their actions to back up their words... Therefore, they are actually lying to me, even if they do not mean to. If the words of my mouth and the actions in my life do not match, I am a liar even without meaning to... Even with the best of intentions I am still a liar. So, somewhere along the lines I have begun looking at certain people as liars, untrustworthy liars that leave me with no option but to only trust them as far as I could throw them.
At some point I realized a battle going on... People are trying to be encouraging and speak these "wonderful" things into my life... and it became clear not long ago, they have no idea what they are talking about. Some of them are speaking things as though they are encouraging truth so flippantly that it is actually causing more pain, heartache, and discontentment in my heart, then if they had just kept their mouth shut or kept their compliments on a surface level. There is more damage done if you are speaking nice things, but not following it up with actions. If I am such a wonderful person to you, and you treasure me in your life, then why have you not sought me out when you knew I was hurting? Or, in some cases, why have you taken it personally that I did not come to you with my problems when you have not proven unconditional caring?
Let me clarify.. I am not talking about everyone in my life... I have some very close and dear people in my life that really do serve to stabilize me and hear all of these thoughts getting processed out... I know without any doubts I have people who love me and would in fact die for me if they had to. I am mostly talking about the random speckling of people who have no idea how much their careless words are effecting those around me.. aka me.
If all of these things they say about who I am are true... That is awesome! I would love to be the person others seem to see in me... But, the truth is, I do not want to just be this person, because, who I am now is still falling so incredibly short of the person I could be.
I know people mean the best when they say nice things to me about me. But, the reality is I need them to show me first or at the very least while they are complimenting me. I do not need more useless chatter in my life, and I certainly do not need more vanity spoken as a wonderful truth in my life. I need authentic, unashamed, unconditional love poured into my life, not just spoken for me to hear. I want people to see and recognize who I am, and then encourage me to be better tomorrow, push me to be who I could be, but, above anything else.. Pray for me.
Who I am is a very imperfect and flawed daughter of my Lord. But, who I am, is made perfect and whole only because of my Savior. These things are true.