Do you ever just have those days where you are just frustrated and annoyed?.. It seems like today there are so many little things that have built up all of a sudden that I am just annoyed. I have been working really hard all day to not let those feelings rule my day or interactions with others... I know attitude is a choice and it can affect others, but for whatever reason today it is an incredibly hard choice to choose to have a good attitude.
I prayed the entire way into work today.. which has actually become quite a relaxing centering thing for me in the mornings. I have found that more often than not the radio agitates me in the mornings and I just need quiet time.. and since my wonderful new car is super quiet it offers a wonderful place for me to have it. :) I have also found that my 45min-hour drive is therapeutic because of my time with God lol My time with him isn't very structured (he clearly knows what does and doesn't work for my thought pattern lol). Often times I just go over the things that are on my heart.. I think about them, pray about them, complain about them, and ultimately (if it's a good day) give it up to him. I feel like I fight with him a lot more, but at the same time I feel like things "get done" faster now that I am doing this virtually every day.. Just like in any other relationship, even if you find yourself fighting more.. things are better than not talking at all or very seldom. It is a weird feeling when you feel like you have just had a 45 minute conversation with your sweet savior several days/weeks in a row...
One of the biggest things I have noticed is the "feeling" my heart has now. I can literally FEEL the weight of issues, but, I also can feel them scraped away when I give it up... it's odd. I can FEEL my heart joyful, like it has extra pep in its pump lol (or whatever I'm feeling has extra pep lol) It is like I am more in tune with the "fine tunings and noises" of my heart.. which is good, but on bad days can feel suffocating.
It's the weirdest thing too when some days I have SO MUCH to say to God, whether it is good or bad.. or I just need him to hear my plea.. or complaint.. or proposition for him (which still makes me laugh cause it's like the millions of times I have come up with hair-brained propositions for my dad and he just laughs at them). But, then there are other days when my heart is heavy, and I just have no words.. so I sit in silence and allow my mind to go numb and just drive..
Currently I feel like the main issue is patience.. Which is lame cause I thought God and I had dealt with this topic several years ago :) But.. nonetheless here we are again, only this time it is almost painful to have patience.. one of those things that you KNOW without a doubt is the better option, much more healthy, much more freeing, and yet you still want to fight it.. for no legitimate reason but to not HAVE to wait... lame.
Ultimately I will wait on my Sweet Savior.. but ironically he has to help me do that cause I can't even do THAT on my own strength... lame.