So, new revelation... I am powerless. haha.. weird one I know. But, it is true. I have no control over anything. I mean think about it.. I am not even the one who makes myself breath... I have literally no control over my life. Powerless. Dang it.
I had a very long.. very late into the night discussion with one of my best friends the other night, and we just talked about how I am doing, feeling, frustrations.. all of which I feel stem from feeling disconnected with God. It was such a great conversation, and my friend is an expert at leading questions that allow me to externally process through whatever is going on.
I explained how "off" things feel... I feel I get frustrated easily, am tired more, and inside at my core.. the way I know my relationship with Jesus to be.. something just feels different.. off.. or something. Not that I do not feel Him, or do not think He's there.. not listening, whatever whatever.. I can still clearly see Him moving and doing things in my life... So, that's not the issue. It is not about a "woe is me I don't feel God," more that something is off.. not normal.. discombobulated..
After a while of rambling on and on.. and feeling like I was not making much sense at all, my friend pointed out that maybe my perspective was wrong. Maybe I was feeling like it was all my fault that things were "off or wrong" when in reality God's just teaching me something right now.. changing the way things work. My friend lovingly pointed out that maybe this is just an example of how little control I have.. and then so lovingly asked.. "How does that make you feel?" ... lol my friend KNEW full well how it made me feel.. I hate the feeling of being powerless. In almost every area of my life, I have the ability to do SOMETHING to change my circumstances.. usually it just means working harder, less sleep, talkig to someone, etc..etc..
But, in this particular instance.. I am powerless. I am sitting here on the floor before my Savior, and I have nothing to give, nothing to offer... I simply.. have to sit. Be here. I can do literally nothing without Him. I. Am. Powerless. Grr...
Then today, I met with a girl who is absolutely wonderful. We have decided to meet once a week.. which originally was gonna be just for an hour.. but really we need a couple hours a week to chat. We have decided to be accountability partners.. pretty much just because our minds and the way we process things are virtually identical.. which is amusing in oh so many ways. But, I was explaining my new "revelation" of being powerless.. and I explained the whole conversation to her. Then we moved on to other topics, and a little while later I was telling her about my latest dance class... and how I literally could not do anything they were trying to teach me with my eyes open. I actually had to close my eyes in order to follow correctly, not anticipate, or allow an instinct to take over. She stops me right away and says..
"That's exactly what's going on with you and God right now... He's trying to lead you and you keep fighting Him, so He's making you close your eyes so you'll follow..."
That's when it all clicked and suddenly I had peace about it all (which is not to be confused with no longer having anxiety).. Just because you do not have anxiety about something does not mean it's a God given peace about something either... They are distinctly different. But, in this instance.. I realize because of what she pointed out that, I am uncertain about how I feel about what God's doing.. but the reality is, I follow better with my eyes closed. The fact that I cannot see what He's doing is to my benefit (obviously), it allows me to focus in a different way, I stop fighting, my instincts stop counteracting what I am trying to do.. and suddenly I am relying on and moving where He is leading me... And thus, things begin to flow..
So.. While I am really powerless... it does not mean I am not moving, it means I am now allowing myself to be moved... *sigh of relief*