Unexpected Growth...

How do you respond when you are having a conversation with someone you care about, and it is a topic that makes you uncomfortable and feel vulnerable?... I ramble.. I make significantly less eye contact.. and sometimes I get flush in the face. It is lovely (please note the sarcasm).

However, I had one of these types of conversations last night, and it was interesting to say the least. The overall conversation was really good, it did not go at all how I thought it would (which typically is a good thing), and the response to what I was bringing up and talking about was not at all what I was expecting (also a good thing). I typically try to prepare the person I am talking to in advance, letting them know that I need them to understand what I mean instead of necessarily hearing what I am saying, and then I usually apologize for the massive amounts of rambling that is about to take place as I try to muddle my way through the emotional thoughts that are about to fall out randomly...

What is interesting to me though is how God is using these types of conversations to grow me in ways I have yet to experience and in ways I was not at all expecting.

One of the most bizarre things that took place during the conversation last night was I literally felt my head and heart trying to wrap my mind around what I was hearing.. I knew I was hearing truth, I knew that the response to my emotional ramblings was authentic, but most of all, I knew that the value being communicated while coming from this person, was actually a sweet whisper slowly expanding in my heart from my wonderful creator reminding me that I am treasured... While the voice came from the incredibly sweet and thoughtful person sitting next to me on the couch, the words were entirely that of my Lord... And, I eloquently responded internally with what was the equivalent of stuttering, "uh..uh.. uh.. w..w..what?" You see, I had no issues understanding cognitively what was being said to me, but what I struggled believing was that the truth in the words applied to me, to every part of who I am, and that my value has little to nothing to do with me at all, has nothing to do with my actions, my past, my successes or my failures.

My value and worth comes from my Lord.

I am always amazed and so incredibly thankful for the people that God uses to speak to me in new and special ways. I love how each person fills a specific role, has a unique place in my life, and how so many people can say the exact same thing.. but somehow when a certain person says it, the meaning and impact take on a completely different meaning and light. What I love even more is when the person is clueless as to the profound impact they have made on me. I get so amused when I try to communicated and explain what has happened and how God has used them, I get this sweet smile, but a completely unknowing and not understanding smile in response.

My God is awesome, and I love how He never ceases to amaze.

The Circle Maker...

I say this pretty much every Sunday, I love my church. This week we started The Circle Maker series, and I am so pumped!

While there is nothing particularly special about the building(s) and nothing different about the people, what is special is that God moves because the leaders are humble, seek His face, and because the followers seek, listen, and learn. I have said on several occasions that the thing that speaks to me the most is the humility people exhibit.. But, this Sunday, the thing that spoke to me the most was the boldness.. Not to be confused with arrogance, dictation or any sort of demanding... But, pure boldness.

Mark Batterson's latest book is called The Circle Maker. To sum up the book in way too little amount of detail, the book is about prayer. But, it is the fact that it is not just about prayer that excites me, motivates me, encourages me, it is because it does it in a way that does not make me feel burdened or like I am being obligated to yet another thing that I should be doing but am currently failing at. The book is about inspiring.. not coercing.

My roomie and I began reading The Circle Maker while we were driving back to DC after Christmas (really she read to me while I drove).. And, there is always something that flares inside of me when I read about the boldness of others and the way they live their lives for Christ. Even if the story I am hearing is hundreds (or possibly thousands) of years old, I cannot help but feel inspired. I love these stories because I do not posses the strength, boldness or faith to do the same things, and I know it... But, I always love the feeling I get inside of me when I hear about someone else choosing to be bold, and then God ANSWERING their boldness! I am always amazed at how some people have the ability to speak things into existence with their prayers, and I am always inspired because they posses the most humility of anyone I have ever met (or heard of etc..). I want to be like them.

It is no surprise to anyone who knows me that I am naturally fairly bold and direct in the way I operate or communicate. Although, sometimes my boldness or the directness of my approach is just way too much, and other times it is the completely wrong choice of words or timing, but either way, I prefer straight forward. I admire people who can tote the line of direct, bold, and maintain the understanding that it is all out of genuine love and humility. I hope and pray all the time that God gives me the wisdom and understanding to be proficient at this as I get older.

All this to say, I am really excited about this new series, and finishing reading this book :)

January Ramblings...

What a week it has been.. Sometimes I am just thankful to have made it through the week, and this week is definitely one of those weeks!

I am SO sore because I literally ran off the stress and anxiety this week with four separate days of running a 5k each time, three core work outs, thee shoulder work outs, and a kicking session. I have no idea how I am still walking right now.

My sleeping pattern continues to be absurd. For roughly six weeks (maybe a little more) I have been sleeping bizarrely. However, since just before Christmas my pattern is to sleep for about an hour (maybe two), then be awake for 30min-an hour.. Or to wake up every hour for a few minutes... I have no idea what is going on with my used to be able to sleep 10-12 hours straight... One day I know it will return to me.. Until then, I pray a lot at night now...

This song has been my favorite song for the last week or so..

Mounting Attacks...

I do not know why, but sometimes I am completely blown away by the force at which I end up struggling with things.. I am unsure why I do not see it coming more that Satan is mounting an attack, but let me tell you, sometimes I am just totally blindsided.

Today was one of those days.

Looking back on yesterday, I should have known it was coming, I spent a great deal of time praying yesterday, and was feeling particularly antsy and like I just could not rest... yet somehow I missed the signs that a full onslaught of struggling was coming.

Today, I was taken by surprise. I hate getting taken by surprise in this way, I hate that I barely slept, and certainly did not sleep well enough to be able to recognize what was happening. So, instead I spent hours today struggling with some pretty intense fear and anxiety. It was so much so that I literally could not put accurate words to it for hours.. and even after the majority of the attack was over I felt physically exhausted, but still completely jittery.

So, I talked with a few friends, ran my third 5k of the week, and proceeded to have my third core worked out of the week... I am going to be hurting tomorrow.. But, thankfully right now the gym time is working off the extra energy I cannot seem to control, clearing my mind of the fog, and giving me a distinct chance to pray (which seems to naturally be taking its place the last mile of my run).

Thankfully the full onslaught of whatever was going on earlier has been replaced by calm seas once more. I have no idea how people get through days like today without Christ...

I am so glad tomorrow is a new day.

Nice Guys...

"Nice guys finish last."

I cannot count how many times I have heard this saying.. sometimes in exasperation from guys or sometimes as a nonchalant (or maybe jaded or calloused) comment from girls. However, what I do know is the saying has always bothered me, and I always feel the need to defend it with the "no way, that's not true!.." Yet, I always end up feeling defeated with very limited number of examples because I know regardless of what I know to be true, this is a feeling had by a lot of guys (and girls.. "Where are all the good guys?!"... While always choosing the wrong guys.. and I am guilty of this too...).

What is interesting is I know I will "end up" with a nice guy... not meaning the plain, boring, or pushover type of nice guy, but the kind that treats me better than I expect or deserve... Haha There just simply is no chance of me ending up with a boring or plain man. How do I know this? Because I know what is good for me, and the typical "bad guy" that I know has drawn me on several occasions has more to do with the strength of his personality, and the fact that usually those are the types of guys that are straight forward and view me as a challenge... But, that is never the type that will keep me for very long. So, while I hate to admit this, I understand that the typical "nice guy" often will feel like he finishes last because of being less likely to step into the unknown and risk getting hurt to pursue (I am sorry), but in reality, he will not feel that way when he finds his girl.

So, let me take a moment to say, nice guys, please pursue. Risk the pain and pursue us, be patient, be tender, be sweet, and show us we are worth anything... but for the love!!.. pursue us, do not wait for us to notice you, throw you a sign, or initiate. We are waiting for you to notice us, to show us we are important, and to prove to use that our insecurities are unfounded. I am not saying there is any sort of magical recipe for finding love, a girl, or avoiding heartache.. There is most certainly risk involved, and sometimes you will not be able to avoid the turn downs or heartache..

But, please.. please do not stop pursuing and risking for us.

From my experience, I am used to guys showing interest that realistically are not good matches or fits for me (or me for them) because of one reason or a dozen others, but what I have begun to realize over the last little while is that my relationships with them has actually left me extremely broken and insecure on the inside, which rarely comes out in any significant or visible way unless you add a guy into my life, then I throw all my energy into hiding the insecurities and trying to seem composed, put together, and not at all emotional. Sometimes, others can see the ways in which I am damaged and broken, although really you have to look for it (or know what you are seeing) to find it.

However, recently, I have found myself in a situation where a genuinely nice guy is pursuing me.. (and not at all plain, boring or predictable either!) He came out of nowhere (that I could see), and has been a sweet surprise. I am amazed constantly by how tender, caring, honest, and communicative this nice guy is... Not to mention (tall) funny (and tall), and incredibly smart (did I mention tall? haha). We are taking things very slowly, just sort of seeing how this unfolds. He and I both realize there are a lot of challenges ahead, so we are just taking it a little bit at a time and seeing where things go. What has been interesting for me throughout all of this though is how completely and totally sweet and caring he (this nice guy) is, and how much I am completely out of practice, not at all used to, and fairly uncomfortable letting someone else take care of me or go out of their way for me (How can anyone be bad at letting others care for them?!.. I dunno but I would get a gold star...). Thankfully, he is incredibly patient and does not get bent out of shape when I (sometimes) inadvertently fight back on things he wants to do to show I am important or ways he wants to take care of me. In return, I have been working incredibly hard at not even attempting to try to control or manipulate anything in order to make myself more comfortable in this situation I find myself in unexpectedly...

Let me clue you in on some of the internal workings of what is going on with me right now... I am very uncomfortable with, and really have no idea how to handle actually letting someone take care of me without then letting me do something in return or to "balance" things out again. I really like all the small things, and they make me feel incredibly special, but the reality is I have no idea how to respond or how to handle it.. so instead, I just get really awkward (or feel awkward inside haha). I purposefully try to take the focus off of me by asking questions or rambling about nothingness.. Usually in a failed attempt to keep him from seeing what I am thinking or how uncomfortable I feel that he is showing me that I am important. What is interesting for me is that in the midst of all of these conflicting emotions that I deep down I feel cared for in a way that I have never experienced before, which in turn only makes my awkwardness worse (who am I right now?!) haha However, what is the really interesting thing about all of this is how the intense uncomfortable feeling is something that I realize has nothing to do with anything him or his actions, but is purely my own insecurities... and maybe partially because I am a huge fan of practicality (...I am realizing practicality does not, nor do I realistically want it to play a role in how these types of things end up working out).

While I have no idea what is to come, and he and I are both uncertain about the future at this point (can anyone be certain of the future?), I am extremely thankful for getting the chance to experience something new, in a genuine, honest, and caring (and kinda new and exciting) way. I am also finding that I am spending a lot of time praying myself through my fears and insecurities and uttering "your will not mine" in my prayers more than I can remember... I also have found that I have a very welcome but bizarre feeling of peace, not because I feel an inclination in terms of direction, certainty or safety, but because I know that God is actually working things out.. And, in the end, regardless of what this will all end up looking like, I will be so incredibly thankful for all of it, and I will have learned so much.

My View, Proverbs 31 Woman...

I first was introduced (or remember being introduced) to the "Proverbs 31 woman" in college. A group of men created a band of brothers that was really inspiring, so a group of us girls got together and focused on the Proverbs 31 woman..

If you have not read it recently (or ever), here it is, Proverbs 31:10-31:

"An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
“Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all.”
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates."

I have heard a lot of things about these verses.. Ranging from "who has time to be that kind of woman/wife" to "every woman should always strive for these things.." even, "These just make me tired thinking about it.." ... and, I have heard men and woman alike comment one these verses, some of the comments inspiring, others just make me want to break someone's nose...

So, what do I think about this passage of scriptire? Well.. it certainly can seem daunting at times, I mean this woman I swear (can you swear about Bible things?) is the cream of the crop, and is a superhero! On days that I am particularly distant in my discussions with the Lord, I am absolutely the furthest from resembling this woman. Some days I think this woman is absolutely the most inspiring thing I have ever read... and then other days I do not even understand what I am reading. How would I possibly MAKE linen garments and sell them anyway!?.. haha..

But, the more I think about this passage the more I realize I (just myself.. because it is totally unfair to speak for any other woman) do actually strive to be this woman. Even though I am still single, so I am not bringing my husband any honor or glory, I am certainly bringing those same things to my sweet savior, and preparing for (possibly) being married later.

So, here are a few of the sections of this passage that really jump out to me...

For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. 

I love that immediately her worth is vast beyond any solid tangible precious jewel.. And that immediately after that it is pointed out that her husband trusts in her, and that because of that it is a good thing.. that every day of her life (not married life... but life as a whole) she will not do him evil (that means working at it now and cultivating the characteristics and wisdom now.. not just later after marriage).

She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong. 

This is my kind of woman.. and one that I hope I will always be. I want to be financially able.. I want to work to help my entire life.. whether that means bringing home an income or merely planting a vineyard (haha.. I wouldn't have any idea what that means...).. But, what I love most about this part is that she is able, she is not weak..

She extends her hand to the poor, and she stretches out her hands to the needy. 

I want to always be this way.. Love and compassion I want to exude from me at all times.. (gosh I have so much to learn and so far to grow)


Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. 

I really.. really like this verse, and it rings a bell deep within me to want to bring respect to my husband (or right now to God) because of the way I conduct myself... I think this is a really cool and affectionate verse because it has little to do with him except for that she belongs to him, and he is hers.

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 

I want this to be descriptors of me, all the days of my life... (I have a lot of work to do, but in an inspiring way, not a depressing way)

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

Love this, and I hope this will be how I am described at the end of my life.

So, I really do not think the Proverbs 31 woman passage is overwhelming.. I think it serves as a good constant challenge and reminder about who I am and who I am becoming.

I also think it is imperative.. and probably impossible to do without Christ in my life, which means that every day I get a do-over.

Ringing in 2012...

I went out with several friends for New Years Eve, we had.. a lot of interesting things happen, including almost getting hit by a drunk driver that was trying to outrun us.. or run into us... while driving without a tire and spraying sparks and flames... Praise the Lord that the cars that had a green light didn't go so I could run the red light (after already stopping) when I realized he was going to rear end me going 50mph... Whoa.

Anyway, here are a few pictures from the evening.. lots of fun and laughter!

 This is a dear friend I have been able to reconnect with a couple months ago. Which is awesome!






My fantastic friends who made the trek up to DC to ring in the new year with me!

 Haha.. we became friends being in a wedding of a mutual friend.. and we dance TOTALLY ridiculous at the reception, it had been a while since we had the chance to have a ridiculousness dance session.. so we had to take the opportunity to interpretive dance to the music haha











On the train on the way home, we discovered we both are complete cheesers when we smile for pictures.. So, we had to take a few to laugh at.

Such a fun evening with friends, even with a few minor mishaps...

Happy New Year!