Thanksgiving...

So, my family was scheduled to come down and arrive at some point Wednesday evening.. In reality, at some point Wednesday afternoon I got a phone call stating that my brother and sister in law's van died... and would forever remain dead... They were 5 hours out... Dang.

So, what did I do? Sat there for 10 minutes brainstorming with one of the worlds best friends trying to figure out how to fix this problem. See, my family was several hours closer to me than to home, and why would I want them to go home since they were coming to spend Thanksgiving with me?!... Neither one of us could think of a single person that had a minivan... Dang this stage of soccerless-non-mom's group of friends we have :) I ended up renting a minivan (which was WAY cooler than my car or my other friend who volunteered to come with me's car!), and my friend and I commenced to driving to Northern WV to go rescue my family that had themselves trapped at a Burger King... that at the least had a play place for the little kids!

Thank you soo much to my friend who so lovingly gave up and entire evening, and way late into the night to keep me company. We had a blast talking the whole way and keeping each other laughing with our stories. :)

I am also so incredibly thankful for each of my friends who kept checking in on me, and the ones who went out of their way to make sure I wasn't going to travel alone (haha... even if they were volunteering a cousin or themselves even though their family was in town. :) And.. my phone was on the way to being dead... Awesome... So, I turned it off and only turned it on every so often to get the various messages.. And, most of which were very funny and thoughtful... or funny thoughtful. It reminded me why I love my friends so much :)

After 11 hours of driving I was able to go get my family, and bring them back. The friends house that most of them are staying at.. was perfect and so inviting. Which, lets be honest at 3:30am... That's so nice!

Thanksgiving day wasn't full of much sleep.. but it was full of my family, great food, and wonderful friends.

Getting to Know You...

So, it is no mystery to most around me that I am a huge fan of several things... Such as, I really enjoy laughing, talking, and hanging out with people. I just really love getting to know people, what makes them tick, learning how they think and view the world.

My dad said once a long time ago that the meaning of life is relationships, and man was he right. Relationship with God, relationship with others. That is all that really means anything at all...

So, in the process of getting to know people, I have discovered a few things about myself and just in general.. One of the bigger ones (although not a new revelation), I absolutely love finding things in common with others, but also finding things that are different.. For example, I really enjoy learning what makes guys tick. Even though I am not super emotional for a girl, I have been in the martial arts for 17 years and have a black belt, I am not exactly described as small and dainty, and I am much more along the lines of independent than most girls... Even through all that I am still a girl, and I really love that.. And, with that means guys are totally different, and their way of thinking and their perspectives on things often is night and day different than mine... I love that God did that to offer balance. :)

It blows me away when a guy can spout off so much information on such a wide variety of topics. I really enjoy letting the guy just go on and on explaining whatever happens to be the topic of the moment. Even if I am not "into" it or it is not something that is my thing. I really like getting to just take interest in whatever the guy (fyi... even though I'm using the singular.. there is not one particular guy I'm referring to) is excited about. I can't seem to help getting excited when he goes on and on about something that he's excited about or passionate about... This is also true for any of my girl friends.. but it is way more common and consistent among my guy friends.

One of my favorite pass-times is to talk with friends about things that have happened recently and get their perspectives, the humorous, the serious, the basic observations.. just hearing their thoughts.. I love that. I do it all the time with a couple of my friends, we will talk about different things people have said or done, and just process through what we thought was funny, appreciate about that person, ways we are watching God move and change them and us.. etc..etc.. it is a lot of fun.

Get It..

So, last weekend I went home... It was the first time I had been home in six months, and boy did it feel like forever. The couple days leading up to me going home I was getting progressively more anxious and ready to just be home. I had this overwhelming desire and need to be around people who just get me. I do not need to explain, and I do not need to try to be anything or anyone other than me... I am loved and cared for unconditionally... And, for the record, I still hold to the fact that everyone should know my family :)

On my long drive home, my friend was sitting next to me on the phone, doing a Bible study with a couple other people, and I was left to drive and think... Which was very ok with me. Driving just gave me a chance to think through everything and emotions I had been feeling and building up over the last while... I came to the conclusion after a while of thinking that, I was totally at peace. I was content. I knew I was going home, it was going to be a fantastic weekend. I was going to get more hugs in one day than I do in most weeks, my niece and nephews were going to want some serious time and attention... something I am more than willing to give :) I was going to see the best friend, and I was going to be able to breathe a breath of fresh air, and hit the re-boot button. I was excited to have my friend meet my family, and my family was going to get to meet my friend.. it was going to be a fantastic weekend.. and I was excited.

The great thing is that, weekend did not disappoint either. I mean, I lacked serious amounts of sleep.. but it was totally worth every minute I gave up to spend talking and spending time with my family and best friend :) I laughed like crazy and exchanged punch for punch with my brothers :) It was wonderful... lol

But, two of the most meaningful points were a long extended conversation with my mom.. which started in the middle of the hallway and migrated to sitting on my bed. We just talked about everything that has been going on, feelings I had about various things, things I felt like God was showing me, challenges I had been facing, and how much of a relief it was to simply be home. It was neat to share these things, and then get my mom's response because she's... well she's my mom, so she sees me in a totally different light than anyone else. And, while I am really close with my dad as well because I am a total daddy's girl, he is a guy, and a dad, so his perspective is different than hers. :) It was so reassuring to have my mom listen and totally understand what I was talking about. I love that about my mom... she gets me and my thought process.. even if she does not understand the way I communicate, she understands all the why's behind what I am saying and doing.

Then, on Sunday I was able to spend several hours just hanging out with, shopping, drinking coffee, and laughing with my best friend. We have decided that literally we can spend hours every day talking and still feel like we do not see each other enough. We talk about everything, thoughts, ideas, funny situations, what God's doing and telling us, all the rabbit trails in our minds that prove difficult to explain to other people... We spend lots of time being each other's sounding boards for things, and offering our perspective and understanding to each situation. It just ends up being a really wonderful time.. plus we laugh a lot.. and both have HUGE amounts of respect for each other, and we both think the other one is absolutely beautiful, and that we are totally blessed to have each other as friends.. It is just great :)

I am totally and completely blessed and I know it. I have no idea how I got so lucky or why Jesus has given me these people in my life... but I am so incredibly thankful He has :)

Enough..

I have really been learning a lot over the last couple weeks about being enough. What does it mean to be enough? In the eyes of my Savior I can never DO enough to be any more special or make Him any more proud... On the same token, I can never DO anything to make myself any less special or precious to Him. He made me exactly the way I am, and being THAT person is what makes me special to Him.. because He created me, that alone makes me enough.

So, that's the big revelation I guess.. but it has been a bit of journey.. and an interesting one at that.

Starting a few weeks ago drama began to just follow me everywhere I went it seemed like. Work, home, friends.. people would call me with issues I was supposed to fix. I would do things the way I had always done them, and suddenly it was causing issues with people out of the blue. It became apparent very quickly that regardless of what I was doing I could not solve the issues, I could not be "good enough" to solve the problems.

However, I definitely began down the thought process of "what do I need to change?" "What do I need to do better?" "Where am I failing?" ... I had it all planned out even, on my long trip home I was going to make one of my best friends help me process it out. I was going to make them help me find weaknesses and areas I needed improving, and I would begin the process of thinking and mulling it over so I could make it better. I would be able to fix the issues, and I would become "a better person" ... More loving, understanding, compassionate, better able to communicate and meet the needs of those around me... etc..etc.. the list literally has no end.

And then, a totally unexpected and out of the blue message was sent to me. It was from a fairly new friend, but one that I hang out with almost daily because of the group of friends I have that they have seemlessly fit into. Anyway, the message explained how they are not overly emotional, but felt I needed to know how much I have blessed their life. They went on to explain that my friendship made them stop cold and realize how lucky they are to have me in their life.. and how they had now joined my "fan club" haha :) This friend has absolutely no idea how big of an impact this message made to me. It literally 180'd my thinking. What blew me away the most.. I haven't a clue what they are referring to, because beyond praying for them and being a friend (which to me seems basic) I have done nothing abnormal. I tried telling this friend that I really appreciated what they had to say, it meant a lot, and I needed to hear someone say exactly what they did... But, I still do not think they will ever really understand.

You see... When I got that message is when it really clicked that it had nothing to do with what I have "done" ... even the good things that bless others, really is not me at all. Mostly because I do not have a clue what does and does not mean a lot to other people (several things have pointed to that this recently). Still thinking about it I really have no idea what I have done that caused such a sweet and heartfelt message to be sent my way :)

My God...

My God is bigger than my problems.
My God is bigger than the air I breath.
My God is bigger than the dreams I have.
My God is bigger than the prayers I utter.
My God is bigger than anything I see.
My God is bigger than the problems I see.
My God is bigger than my emotions.

My God hears sees my problems.
My God gives me air to breath.
My God sees my dreams and makes them larger.
My God hears my prayers and answers back.
My God created everything I can see.
My God knows all the problems I see.
My God knows my emotions and speaks into them.

Beat Up...

I don't know what the issues is but the last couple weeks have been really rough. No major issues, but lots and lots of little ones. Most of them have centered around people disliking the way I communicate, and in some cases (although they would not admit it if asked I am sure) they dislike my style and pattern of thinking. Somewhere along the way I have begun to see people's inconsistent thought patterns and logic... It is situations like this that make me feel as though I am a crazy person. Partially because they all seem to come out of the blue, and would have been easily solved had I known about them earlier. I feel like I have done more explaining and defending of who I am, why I respond the way I do or think the way I do in the last couple weeks then I have in a very long time. It is really tiring and eats at my emotions more than a lot of things.. It has taken a lot of inner control to keep responding in the ways I am supposed to because I have felt on the verge of tears for almost a week now just purely out of frustration for things I cannot change or people I cannot get to understand... Mostly the frustration for people I cannot get to understand.

It has been an interesting time period for several reasons, but I have inadvertently been learning a lot about self control, being quick to listen and slow to speak, as well as, what it means to have your feelings all over the place and responding the way that you are supposed to regardless of the inner roller coaster.. And, I am not talking about stuffing my feelings away and pretending like they do not matter or somehow diminishing my own value. I am purely talking about the idea that my feelings are not always right, nor do they lead to responding in a way that would make Jesus proud.. So, I have begun taking a serious look at that, because I do not ever desire to be the person who is always right, especially if it comes at the expense of others. I want those around me to feel important and heard regardless of the situation. I hate when my reactions get the best of me.. I was explaining to a friend after a particularly stressful couple hours how my instinctive reaction is to chuck whatever I have in my hand at the person making me mad or to get up and walk out... or say a whole slew of other things, but, the bottom line is, I do not have that luxury. As someone who loves Jesus, I do not get to decide those things, even when I am mad I need to make every attempt to convey love and care. So, while my instinctive reaction is one that is heated and in reality over the top, my actual reaction is and cannot be anywhere close to that...

It is interesting though, when I sit and think about all the various things have happened over the last couple weeks.. some have been great, I have had some great conversations, some good moments of talking about Jesus with people, lots and lots of laughter, and moments of total boredom. I had a friend point out that she has not felt this beat up in a long time.. and I realized I totally resonated with that thought... She followed up that comment with "I must be doing something right..." So true. Later we talked about a whole bunch of different topics, but we stayed in the vicinity of insecurities and people's perceptions of us. I have discovered that a lot of people have encouraged me to be transparent in the last year.. so I chose to be.. and now I am finding that most of the viewpoint they have of me centers around my insecurities instead of seeing the whole picture that is me. Almost as though, they do not take into consideration or observation the fact that while I have insecurities, and while there are moments it feels like I am overtaken by them, most of the time however, the insecurities do not play a major role in my life, interactions or thought process. I just do not think of them most of the time.

Couple good things though through all of this, I have several absolutely amazing friends. My God loves me. I get to go home and be around my family and best friends from there this weekend. I got a ridiculously sweet note from a friend reminding me of a couple things I had sorta begun to forget... My God is still God.