Once Again...

I always have these random markers throughout the year, partially because of a season or holiday (Christmas and New Years always require a solid look back), but then some of the time it is just because something memorable took place this day, week, month or period last year. Then, as I look back I sorta begin to glance over (mentally) the time that has passed since then, and the things I have done, gone, been through, and survived.

So, today I am looking back for a few reasons.. One, because two years ago today I met a guy who has since become such a solid friend, and it is his birthday! When we met I was completely amused by his antics and perspective on pretty much everything.. mostly due to the way he expressed his thoughts. I have since watched him become such an amazing and faithful friend, who of course still brings a hysterical perspective into my life (even from the other side of the world). I know I can always count on him to give it to me straight, and in a classic guy way, which always amuses me. So, happy birthday my dear friend, I am thankful to our savior all the time for your friendship, and I pray for you often.

This time period last year I was mid my first grad class, looking for a new job, interviewed for a job in DC, and in about a week or so I would have gotten offered a new job which sent me spiraling into mass amounts of packing, hanging out, and moving everything I knew and loved somewhere else... I was not happy, not excited, and not really sure how I felt about this new adventure.

I moved, and restarted my life.. and have somehow managed to survive the last year. Which is a mixture of joy that it has been a year, and serious sorrow that I have that perspective about the last year of my life. However, at the same time I have an overwhelming sense of peace about what I have just walked through. I never once doubted God had me exactly where He wanted me, I just also did not like the journey. Now I find that I have (praise the Lord) found my contentment again, which sadly has been missing for a very long time. For some reason there was just too much going on for me to stop and breathe, instead I just kept going forward knowing I needed to move or I would drown. So, that is exactly what I did, I filled my life and time... literally every moment. I never found time to refresh, never stayed still long enough to realize how much I was allowing myself to shrivel up and die on the inside. Ironically, I never stopped praying about others, but I virtually completely stopped praying for myself, except that is to complain about how much I did not like what was going on in my life.

No wonder I was lacking contentment.

A few weeks ago I felt like my fog was beginning to lift, like the fog was slowly getting burned away by the sun, and little by little I would be able to breathe and sigh with contentment again. It was not like a flip of a switch, it was no large emotional change, and it was not even with an understanding of what was happening. I just knew that something was slowly shifting, the tide was turning, the fog was burning away, and soon enough I would be left with perfect sight into what had just happened, and a greater love and appreciation to my Savior for faithfully walking me through it all. It was then that I began asking for a reboot/reset button, I had no idea what it was or even how to look for it, but I knew I needed something way down deep in my core to be switched that would let the years worth of pressure go.. in a peaceful not atomic bomb kinda way.

I still have no idea what is coming next, or really how to plan (can that ever really happen) for it, but, I do know that I no longer feel like I am constantly on the edge of exploding. I am really thankful for this...

So, while nothing really externally has changed, the tides are shifting, and I know that God is getting ready once again for change. Thankfully I am totally content with wherever (please don't make me pack my stuff up and move again!) it takes me........ (yes, even if I have to move again.)

Several of the things I am at peace with currently:
The direction my job is (or likely is not) heading... which subsequently means there are changes coming again soon... But, I know that God will clue me in as always exactly when I need to move.
The state of (or really lack there of) my relationship status. Thankfully I no longer feel an overwhelming sense of panic at the thought of trying to fit someone in my life that would require a lot of time I didn't feel I had.
The living situation, lots of changes are coming in the next month, and stresses are getting resolved.. and thankfully (somehow) I have no bad feelings about any of it... but I will be glad to close that chapter of my life.
The very core of my heart and soul feel rested, peaceful, and content.. something that has not happened in a very long time. I am so thankful to know that while so many crazy things are still happening around me, that God is blessing me (not even kidding) with inner peace.

This last year added the the previous year of crap.. to create a solid two years of crapfest... But, I also am confident that God has used them to burn away the chaff, and to make me new ("...and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind..." Ephesians 4:23).

Today, for however long it lasts (hopefully a while) I am new once again, content once again, peace-filled once again, and hopeful once again.

Grumpy...

Most of the time I am full of laughter and joy... Recently though, I have felt incredibly grumpy. I mean I have still laughed at things, had good times with friends and such, but I am so easy to annoy and put in a bad mood recently.. or at least that is how I feel, even if no one else notices...

I have discovered a severe disdain for economics... Specifically Market Structures and all of the ridiculous graphs, curves, lines, and anything having to do with marginal or total... This week has pretty much consisted of homework = insta-pissy-krista... Sorry to all my friends who talked to me during my homework periods this week... :/

Work has been.. interesting.

I feel.. frumpy. I haven't worked out in a few months, and I NEED TO.. I seriously miss it.. enough to have decided I am heading back to the gym because it is easier than fitting anything else into my schedule at the moment.. And, this I feel fat and gross thing.. not working for me... And, before anyone tries to figure out a way to "make Krista feel better" I really think it is just a need for the sweat inducing endorphins... I know I "look fine," I just feel gross... But I have to wait until the next paycheck.. Dang.

I miss several people a whole heck of a lot... they have no idea.

The one good thing from the last week was putting together a Christmas package for my Chaplain friend in Afghanland.. It took me and one of my roomie's 4 hours.. and we swapped stories and laughed the whole time, it was definitely much needed.

A few nights ago as I lay FREEZING in bed trying to breath, not cough, and sleep at the same time, I laid there and paused for longer than I have in a very long time and just prayed for various troubles going on in my life and the life of those I love. Things people need like jobs, income, comfort, and a few to have their faith restored... It was at that point that I realized I have been so busy.. doing whatever task is directly in front of me that I realized I have forgotten to take time to be.. to do whatever.. to do something just for the fun of it because I wanted to.. No wonder I am tired and fighting headaches a lot recently. I cannot even begin to express how much it frustrates me that I do not feel like I am hearing God right now.. and mostly because I am not MAKING time to sit and be still. Oh gosh how I miss the feeling of that time... And then I sit and wonder why I am a grump... haha.. I am such a dumb, slow, child of our Savior. You would think I would learn... But, no.. I cycle through like this so often it is infuriating.

Oh my sweet Savior... Come rescue me from myself again. Remind me who you are, who I am... and who I am not. Calm my anxious heart and speak peace into my mind. Forgive me for the things I have chosen to do that are ridiculous and stupid, but more, forgive me for the things I have not done that you ask me to do. Bring the people into my life that I need to remind and ground me, show me who I you want me to reach out to. Give me words and keep me silent before I prove myself a fool. I am desperate for your restoring waters, fill my weary bones, restore my aching body, make new my heart.

"Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight." - Ps. 119:35

Be Dull or Be Revived...

Ok, so this week has been one of those weeks where I had literally more to do than I had time for. And, while that's the case most weeks, usually it just requires me to give a little more, give up my extra free time.. This week that was simply not the case. I became quickly stressed because it was not a matter of just giving up my extra time or just actually focusing. Nope. This week it was about not having any time extra other than my sleeping or eating (and on more occasions than I will admit I let go of my right to eat so I could get extra time in...).

This week in Krista's world of work...
7 Attitude stricken seniors.
2 All day directors meetings.
1 Quarterly magazine.
1 Becoming an adult camp.
1 Info packet for coworkers.

This week in Krista's non-work world...
1 Video creation for a friend.
1 Screen play read and review.
1 Synopsis review.
1 Sunday school birthday party.
4 Days behind on my daily Bible reading.
5 Days less of my hour drive/God time.
3 Friends in serious need of Krista phone time.
2 Friends in serious want of Krista phone time.
1 Mom in serious need of Krista phone time.

I physically had no time. *sigh* I can handle all these things usually with a flawless ability to work it all out.. it just, was the butt kicker when I had a seriously lacking amount of drive time to spend with my Savior...

Wednesday I definitely needed my Jesus time. Time to worship, reconnect, hear from, speak to, sit with, and love my Savior. Before Wednesday I was dull.. I was worn out, and I was running on empty. After the service I definitely felt better, like I'd been hugged by the only one who meant anything. My Savior touched the heart He created and reminded me it's ok to not know how to work it out, fix it, do it, whatever.. I'm totally incapable and need Him, and that's ok. Granted the stress didn't go away, it wasn't suddenly all better... I still had to be on my game that I felt like I was losing, I still had to give it everything I had.. But, I no longer felt desperate for something inside. I knew it would be ok, I might just miss a couple of the things I was juggling... and that's ok.

So, be dull, be empty, be desperate...

or

be still, be peaceful, be revived, be renewed.

Not really a hard decision to make. Sit with Jesus for a few moments.