Thank You to Men...

Over the last little while I went out on a date with a couple different guys, and while I did not find the love of my life, instead I found myself reminded of how thankful I am.

First and foremost, thank you men for being decent, nice, kind, considerate, gentlemanly, and understanding. My dates reminded me that genuinely nice guys do still exist... And, I do not mean that in the classic "nice guy" kind of way, but in a completely real way. I was reminded that guys can be incredibly gracious even when I am upfront about how I feel or do not feel. I was astounded and so thankful that there are still men out there who are good and seeking Christ... I was glad for the reminder that "all the good ones" are not already taken.

Second thing I was reminded of is, there is nothing wrong with me because I am single still. I am not missing something, and God is not asking me to lower my standards (because trust me I have been asking lately).

I am so thankful for the good men in my life, whether they are taken or not (married, dating or otherwise), I am also well aware of the fact that I am so blessed to have so many amazing men around me to take care of me when I need help and who are genuine friends to me.

Thank you to the men who are gracious, kind, gentle, funny, considerate, understanding, decent, nice, protective and who go out of your way to care for the single women around you instead of viewing us as anything other than a friend or as a part of your family. Words cannot adequately express how much I appreciate the men I know who are not "interested" in me, BUT still care about me and seek to be my friend.

So, basically this is just a really long winded way of saying, thank you to the men who are genuine and seeking Christ.

Once Again...

I always have these random markers throughout the year, partially because of a season or holiday (Christmas and New Years always require a solid look back), but then some of the time it is just because something memorable took place this day, week, month or period last year. Then, as I look back I sorta begin to glance over (mentally) the time that has passed since then, and the things I have done, gone, been through, and survived.

So, today I am looking back for a few reasons.. One, because two years ago today I met a guy who has since become such a solid friend, and it is his birthday! When we met I was completely amused by his antics and perspective on pretty much everything.. mostly due to the way he expressed his thoughts. I have since watched him become such an amazing and faithful friend, who of course still brings a hysterical perspective into my life (even from the other side of the world). I know I can always count on him to give it to me straight, and in a classic guy way, which always amuses me. So, happy birthday my dear friend, I am thankful to our savior all the time for your friendship, and I pray for you often.

This time period last year I was mid my first grad class, looking for a new job, interviewed for a job in DC, and in about a week or so I would have gotten offered a new job which sent me spiraling into mass amounts of packing, hanging out, and moving everything I knew and loved somewhere else... I was not happy, not excited, and not really sure how I felt about this new adventure.

I moved, and restarted my life.. and have somehow managed to survive the last year. Which is a mixture of joy that it has been a year, and serious sorrow that I have that perspective about the last year of my life. However, at the same time I have an overwhelming sense of peace about what I have just walked through. I never once doubted God had me exactly where He wanted me, I just also did not like the journey. Now I find that I have (praise the Lord) found my contentment again, which sadly has been missing for a very long time. For some reason there was just too much going on for me to stop and breathe, instead I just kept going forward knowing I needed to move or I would drown. So, that is exactly what I did, I filled my life and time... literally every moment. I never found time to refresh, never stayed still long enough to realize how much I was allowing myself to shrivel up and die on the inside. Ironically, I never stopped praying about others, but I virtually completely stopped praying for myself, except that is to complain about how much I did not like what was going on in my life.

No wonder I was lacking contentment.

A few weeks ago I felt like my fog was beginning to lift, like the fog was slowly getting burned away by the sun, and little by little I would be able to breathe and sigh with contentment again. It was not like a flip of a switch, it was no large emotional change, and it was not even with an understanding of what was happening. I just knew that something was slowly shifting, the tide was turning, the fog was burning away, and soon enough I would be left with perfect sight into what had just happened, and a greater love and appreciation to my Savior for faithfully walking me through it all. It was then that I began asking for a reboot/reset button, I had no idea what it was or even how to look for it, but I knew I needed something way down deep in my core to be switched that would let the years worth of pressure go.. in a peaceful not atomic bomb kinda way.

I still have no idea what is coming next, or really how to plan (can that ever really happen) for it, but, I do know that I no longer feel like I am constantly on the edge of exploding. I am really thankful for this...

So, while nothing really externally has changed, the tides are shifting, and I know that God is getting ready once again for change. Thankfully I am totally content with wherever (please don't make me pack my stuff up and move again!) it takes me........ (yes, even if I have to move again.)

Several of the things I am at peace with currently:
The direction my job is (or likely is not) heading... which subsequently means there are changes coming again soon... But, I know that God will clue me in as always exactly when I need to move.
The state of (or really lack there of) my relationship status. Thankfully I no longer feel an overwhelming sense of panic at the thought of trying to fit someone in my life that would require a lot of time I didn't feel I had.
The living situation, lots of changes are coming in the next month, and stresses are getting resolved.. and thankfully (somehow) I have no bad feelings about any of it... but I will be glad to close that chapter of my life.
The very core of my heart and soul feel rested, peaceful, and content.. something that has not happened in a very long time. I am so thankful to know that while so many crazy things are still happening around me, that God is blessing me (not even kidding) with inner peace.

This last year added the the previous year of crap.. to create a solid two years of crapfest... But, I also am confident that God has used them to burn away the chaff, and to make me new ("...and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind..." Ephesians 4:23).

Today, for however long it lasts (hopefully a while) I am new once again, content once again, peace-filled once again, and hopeful once again.

Choosing Contentment...

So, I was sitting with a couple of my friends and I realized something... Even when I am unhappy about certain things and aspects of my life, I tend towards contentment. Not because it's easy, not because I like it more, not even because God says anywhere to be content... Just simply because of a faith I have in my God.. and maybe a little predisposition in my creation that makes me naturally this way.

But, here's my thoughts on it... It is totally understandable to not feel content in a certain aspect of your life.. usually I take that to mean God is pushing me to either move on, grow, or He is challenging me to do something I am probably not the biggest fan of naturally. That makes sense to me.. Either I have moved.. or God is moving.. one of the two.

However, I do not understand those who say "God told me to come here/do this/be that..." and the very next thing out of their mouth is "I hate this/hate that/hate being here..." That's a lot different than feeling like God's moving you and not being sure you like it yet. I am not even sure you can claim you are being faithful and obedient with an attitude of hatefulness towards what you feel God's asking you to do. Uncertainty I get, feeling like you're supposed to be somewhere else, having a passion for something other than what you are currently doing, knowing eventually something else is what God has called you to.. all those things I totally understand not being content with the current standings.. I have been there ridiculously more than I care to admit.. But, each time I have never hated where I was.. I have hated certain aspects, and each time I have felt convicted that I was not choosing to follow anything that was asked of me..

For example.. summer '07- summer '08.. hated a whole bunch of aspects of my life.. for example, I felt like I was simply getting a paycheck and that my job meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. Oh sure I could point to all the good my company did, all the family groups (in my OWN family) that were positively effected by my job and diligent work... but ultimately at the end of the day... I was just pulling in a paycheck. Part of my disdain for my job had to do with the hundreds upon hundreds of times I heard "You're just too young.. you don't understand." ... I wanted to respond "You're too old.. you will never understand." .. and sometimes I did (oops). However, my saving grace was that I worked my butt off so I had money for gas.. so I could be insanely involved in my youthgroup.. and by insanely, I mean I was at every function we had... I loved being a youth leader. Loved the involvement.. every bit of it, even the leaders meetings, the pizza 3 or 4 days a week, the lack of love and acceptance my kids showed me and each other.. I loved loving them and laughing with them... So, I worked so I could then have money to do what I loved. But, even still.. I felt like my life had somehow hit the pause button. I no longer felt like I was moving, growing, walking the path God had set in my life... I just felt.. stagnant. No other way to describe it.. So, yeah I was not content with a lot of aspect of my life at that point...

And then, a boy broke my heart... seriously.

And then, I got an entire year of living at home, loving my family, and letting them love me.

And then, I went to Africa for the first time.

And then, I was able to "commiserate" with 2 other friends who felt the same way I did.

And then, I learned what it meant to not see my path, not feel like I am moving, and yet see God in dozens of areas of my life.

And then, I was able to spend a year connecting with, learning, and loving extended family that I will probably never get the chance to do that again...

And then, I was able to encourage youth leaders who didn't know how to continue.

And then, I was able to connect with and love kids who pushed me and every other leader away....

God worked. God moved. I knew it, and I saw it.. and then at the end, a year later I realized I had no choice but to experience that because it sucked and I needed to persevere even when I was blind and my heart was hurting because a boy chose to be dumb.

I realized it was not that God has paused my life.. or put anything on hold... He took a year and made me be still and know he is God.. He fortified my walls, strengthened my communication with Him.. and then sent me to a place to recover and remember how precious and loved I am by Him. I spent the summer of '08 at a camp where I was begged to come back.. under any circumstances, and I told them no 4 times before I agreed.. I spent the summer being told every day how much I was loved and cherished.. I was reminded how important I am to my sweet Savior... I never once heard I was too young, didn't understand, or wasn't mature enough to grasp something... I simply was Krista.. joyful.. loved.. and God refreshed my weary soul..

And then, He sent me to Virginia to be around the most amazing community of people.. who truly love Jesus.. and He somehow uses them to heal me and others. There are aspects of things I know are not my favorite.. I will not be here forever, in fact I have an idea of how long I will be here based on some talks with Jesus... But, the bottom line is I am here.. and I am learning, growing, moving, refreshing, and changing to become who I need to be for a task later in life.. whatever that is.. and, I LOVE that. I love knowing I am preparing for something later. I feel it even when I become bogged down with the monotonous daily tasks...

So, looking at the last two years.. That is why I seriously get frustrated when people not only become discontent with an area of their life.. but with EVERYTHING in it.. and then claim they are there simply cause "God told them." Baloney.. You either are following or you are not.. and if you are so incredibly unhappy.. you're probably missing God's point anyway... and it will take Him LONGER to get you to listen... *sigh*

Even when I do not understand... I choose to be content. Not always right away.. but usually once the emotion of the situation is gone I have come out on the other side choosing contentment regardless... It is a choice, a chosen perspective, a point of view you will have to fight for. Just... just choose to be content and you will see totally differently.