Suck It Up...

Sometimes I have these days where I just feel like whining about everything.. Whining about how frustrated I am at being tired, waking up late, the tasks I have for the day, the things that are not going my way, the muggy rainy weather, my lack of motivation to do anything... Just pretty much anything I can think of I want to whine about... 


On days like this it is like I am suddenly made aware how much of a complainer I can be, how much I need my Savior to help me today, and even when no one else hears me complain because it just goes on inside my head, God hears me and knows... And, in the midst of all of this, I am reminded:


"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.
 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." - Romans 5:1-5

"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words..." - Romans 8:24-26

And then in the midst of all of this I am gently reminded of what I truly want beyond my current emotions and feelings:

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
         Be acceptable in Your sight,
         O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer." - Psalm 19:14

So, on days like today where I just want to complain about anything I can think of... or when I have absolutely no motivation, my God is here to remind me that He has my life, and I just have to rely on that knowledge with unwavering certainty that the plan I am living is not haphazard, but a carefully crafted, intimate, and personal plan laid out specifically for me... 

Now, if I can only be found faithful.

The Danger in Prayer...

I do not know if you have ever experienced what prayer can do, but let me warn you.. it moves mountains.. and it is a scary thing once you realize how much true faith makes a difference. The problem with prayer is they are answered. 

I have discovered my prayers get answered. Not in a cute little "thanks for turning all the lights through town green for me.." type way.. but in I pray and God answers me. Not necessarily all in the way I was hoping or thinking He would... but how do I dismiss a God that speaks back to me. How do I get angry at a God that allows me to sit at His feet and yell, cry, and excitedly talk to Him? How do I get angry when I pray for answers and I get them? 

The funny thing is when I tell people that God always answers my prayers I get this funny look like "what's wrong with you?"... and yet where in the Bible does it say my Savior would not answer my prayers?.. I never said I get everything I asked for in the fashion I asked for it.. I say He answers me. When I pray, I know He hears me, He comforts me, He reminds of verses, He lets me express whatever I need to, and then, in His timing He answers me. Sometimes I get upset with His answers, and sometimes I am blown away, blessed, and excited by his extremely complicated plan... and still other times I realize I have just one more piece to the puzzle that is my life. A lot of times my answers are just enough that they get me through now to the next moment, and there are times I know that really the only answer I can handle right now is "Wait." But, regardless... just know, your prayers will get answered. You will not always understand them, and sometimes it takes a long time and a whole heck of a lot of prayer before you get an answer, and sometimes they are so far from what you were expecting that you feel like returning them for a full refund... But, I also promise that in the end it will be a perfectly executed plan from our Savior... Even if at this exact moment it makes no sense.

Jesus hears and answers my prayers always, of this there is no doubt.

When Lyrics Speak...

I just really like these two songs right now.. Here are the lyrics that are speaking the most to me...

"You said you'd never leave or foresake me.
When you said, this life is gonna shake me,
you said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul.
This I know

When everything falls apart, your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart, you're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
You keep holding on, you keep holding on

When I see, the darkness all around me
When I see, the tragedy has found me
I still believe, your faithful arms will never let me go
and still I know." - Everything Falls - Fee

"Deliver me out of the sadness

Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through." - Deliver Me - David Crowder Band

Three Thousand Words...

"Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
         And He brought them out of their distresses.
    He caused the storm to be still,
         So that the waves of the sea were hushed.
    Then they were glad because they were quiet,
         So He guided them to their desired haven."

Psalm 107:28-30

"Let the mountains bring peace to the people,
         And the hills, in righteousness."

Psalm 72:3

        "When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,
         The moon and the stars, which You have ordained;
    What is man that You take thought of him,
         And the son of man that You care for him?"

Psalm 8:3-4

Best In Life...

I am a huge believer in the idea that the best things in life are hard, difficult, challenging.. any of the above.. pick one. The things I remember the most, are some of the hardest most challenging things I have ever done. Pass my blackbelt test, pass and graduate college, move to VA, preach Jesus in Ghana... These have all been huge moments in my post-high school life that have all been challenging, but never have I regretted it. In fact, usually once I look back on them they are the points in my life that I am the most thankful for, and the things that I am most fond of because I worked the hardest, was the most stubborn, was on my knees the most, was terrified inside and yet was obedient to what God was telling me.

I tell my friends all the time when any of us are faced with difficult times that "it wouldn't mean anything if it was easy." I firmly believe this.. If I do not have to work for something it has a significantly less amount of value to me then something I worked hard for.

Have you ever stopped to look at the random things in your life that are worth fighting for? What about the challenging things that you have to change?... I have discovered a lot of things recently in myself that I need to work on, and spend a lot of quality knees to the floor time to correct and fix. I do not bemoan this except for the fact that, lets be honest.. no one LIKES finding things they have to change. No one enjoys times that are difficult. No one likes the revelation that once again they are not perfect and have oh so much more to work on... The difference is this time I know exactly what I have to do to be obedient... So, that is what I am doing, and even still, I feel like it is turning my insides into mush. I am being broken and molded and changed for the better.. but it is never an easy process. I see the good, and I am so incredibly thankful that I can see it this time, I know what the goal is... At least in part. Currently it is all still such a new enough revelation that it is an "easy fix"... Sorta like breaking a bone, if you fix it right away, while painful right now.. it is much more painful long term if you have to re-break it in order to fix it later.

I love when I can pray and feel my Savior moving. I can hear Him whispering "peace be still" in my ears and to just wait. I can feel Him holding me and reminding me that this is all for the better, that He loves me and this all regardless of how I feel will be so much better later... Just wait and see. I will not regret any of this later, and I will understand it all once I have been obedient and just waited and prayed... Ugh... so.. I wait and I pray.

One of the interesting things that I am finding is that the roles are reversed inside of me.. usually my heart is spazzing and my emotions go haywire while my mind with logic and reasoning has to talk my heart into a state of calm and understanding... usually with lots of prayer in there. However, this time it is the opposite, my heart is totally at peace.. which does not mean that I enjoy what I am feeling either.. I just have a peace knowing I am being obedient and I am relinquishing control to my Jesus. My mind however is going spastic. I feel like my mind is bouncing off its own walls. I am running scenarios that are not real, nor will ever probably be real.. Again, the only thing that seems to be calming my mind is prayer... ugh.. again with this prayer thing. I never used to be such a prayer monger, however, I am kinda appreciating and enjoying this new-ish (last 6-8 months) found closeness with my Savior.

So, my daily exercise... NOT freaking or panicking like I did this morning... and continuing to push myself to prayer.. to my knees.. to being facedown before my Savior knowing that He is working, moving, and making things as they are supposed to be.. His will, not mine.

The best things in life are never easy.. and even in the midst I do not retract that statement. I choose hard, even though it sucks now.

The Pursuit of Perfection...

My friend and I both really like the tag line for the Lexus "The pursuit of perfection" ... we like that it is a journey and never ending push to be perfect.

Last night I was reminded once again I am still in this pursuit.. I am not there... *big sigh* I wish I was a lot further along in my journey than I am.. but, I cannot change where I am except to push forward. I hate when things get pointed out to me that I am less than perfect on.. and it really does not matter what the thing is... or if I have a legitimate reason I am not an expert at it, I still hate that I am not perfect.. a natural.. whatever... But, even more than that I hate when they are right.

Last night I was shown in a gentle, nice, straight to the point way yet another way I do not relinquish control. I do not willingly let someone else lead. In fact, I will assume the lead before I have realized that is what I have done... It comes naturally at this point because of how long it has been necessity in my life... Back to my tango lessons huh?... Learning to follow a lead with my eyes closed trusting I will be safe and not run into anything.. gah!

I realized a few days ago just how frustrated I get at myself.. for anything. I was really frustrated because I could not figure out how to solve the problems of a couple friends and those around me... It is not even my job, and yet here I am... frustrated because I somehow feel I should be able to help more then I do.

And then, epiphany... Maybe that is what God is going through AGAIN with me... Be patient, wait, stop, trying to control will only leave me failing and frustrated... *another big sigh*

I have found myself in several conversations lately where I have been squarely faced with this issue... and I am finding I have more options in my repertoire of responses then I ever thought I had before... I have no idea where these sudden new responses are coming from but I am finding them fascinating (Thank you Jesus). My usual responses in the past have been full of puffed up arrogance or I have been so full of pride that I would never want to admit that the person might be right, so I would justify and try and explain in an attempt to make sure I was not viewed less than perfect still... Now I am finding that mostly I just sit or stand there and listen to what is being said, what I am being accused of, what perceptions are being explained.. and sadly a lot of times they are true.. I hate that I am not perfect. That I cannot flawlessly lead when I need to and gracefully step aside when I am supposed to... It is that gracefully step aside thing that I become a klutz about.

I think I need to seriously reevaluate some of the way I do things currently though... I have no idea what that looks like, but I think it is about to rock my world. I feel numb currently.. not in a bad way, but in the God is about to move inside of me, so he numbs the area that will be focused on beforehand... Or in some cases things get numbed so you cannot control them.. that is what I feel like God is doing. He is numbing me so that He can work effortlessly without me screaming in pain...

"Take my fret, take my fear. All I have, I’m leaving here. Be all my hopes, be all my dreams. Be all my delights, be my everything. And It’s just you and me here now. Only you and me here now." - Only You, David Crowder Band

Choosing...

Today is a serious I need Jesus morning. I went to bed crying out to Jesus, and woke up in the exact same state.. almost as though my sleeping hadn't even gotten in the way of my prayers.

I hate when I cannot fix things for people. I hate when I have to sit and offer empathy and support, and I cannot actually offer anything... I hate when I cannot just solve the problem for someone. :/

My prayers always feel discombobulated when I am feeling this way. I always feel like I am at a loss for words to pray, that I have this mental block that keeps me from telling God what I am needing, wanting, feeling...

Here is what I know... My God is also my Lord. I will serve Him and follow Him regardless of how I feel. I will listen and be patient if it kills me. I will be strong and faithful because my Savior is here with me. Life is not easy, nor was it ever promised to be; but, I choose hard and rewarding any moment of any day before I would ever choose easy and mundane or boring. I do not understand a lot of "why's" in my life, but I also know that if I knew all of the answers, I would not be the person I am today.. for the worse.

Psalm 37:1-13

¹Do not fret because of evildoers,
         Be not envious toward wrongdoers.
    ²For they will wither quickly like the grass
         And fade like the green herb.
    ³Trust in the LORD and do good;
         Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
    ⁴Delight yourself in the LORD;
         And He will give you the desires of your heart.
    ⁵Commit your way to the LORD,
         Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
    ⁶He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
         And your judgment as the noonday.
    ⁷Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him;
         Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
         Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.
    ⁸Cease from anger and forsake wrath;
         Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.
    ⁹For evildoers will be cut off,
         But those who wait for the LORD, they will inherit the land.
    ¹⁰Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more;
         And you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there.
    ¹¹But the humble will inherit the land
         And will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.
    ¹²The wicked plots against the righteous
         And gnashes at him with his teeth.
    ¹³The Lord laughs at him,
         For He sees his day is coming.