Gone Home...

A few weeks ago in the midst of lots of medication I was having lots of weird dreams. Many of the dreams involved zombies (thank you Walking Dead), friends, family, my puppy.. they all melded together in weird blends and often woke me up anxious.

One of these dreams, right smack in the middle of it was the only grandma I had. My Great Grandma Grace, in all of her worried spirit, and I was begging her to forgive.. Forgive sins of adultery that my Great Grandpa Shelby had committed while they were still married during the war, before he was saved so long ago. What is weird about the dream is she was crying and I was sobbing trying to explain to her the urgency in her needing to forgive, that God asked it of her...

I attributed this insurgence into my dreams to the fact that she had been in and out of the hospital lately... and I was doped up on medication.

Then, a couple days ago I was praying through a few things on my 3x5 cards, and randomly I thought about her, so I prayed,

"Lord, if she is right with you, and her work is done, please take her home..."

... and then, I moved on to other prayers..

Last night the Lord took her home.

This is a picture of my older brother and I with her a few years ago at one of my nephew's birthday parties. Oh the stories I have from childhood of this woman watching us.. haha never a dull moment.

There is no way to truly explain the peace I feel at knowing that she went home because she was right with the Lord, and her time here was finished.

Thanksgiving 2012...

This year I chose to head to DC for Thanksgiving. I had lots of reasons, but a few big ones were knowing that I had several days off of work, I have friends I miss terribly, and I have no idea when the next time I will be able to make it out there will be.

I took the pups with me, and thankfully he is a fantastic traveler.

Overall it was a pretty low-key weekend, but it felt like home, and it felt normal which was nice. I got lots of hugs, laughed a lot, watched lots of football with one of my bests, hung out with a couple friends, and had another love of mine make the trek up to DC to see Twilight with us! (don't judge) Plus, she got to meet Vormund (Vor - rhymes with Thor, mund - as in mundane) and love on him!

On our trek home it snowed.. a lot.. I was more than a little tickled that Vormund was uninterested in the snow, and not happy about how cold it was!.. He was totally meant to be my dog haha

It is interesting to me how feelings such as the feeling of "home" are cultivated slowly... and also let go of slowly. In my head I know DC is no longer home, but it still feels like it. When I got there Wednesday night, it did not feel like it had been seven weeks since I had driven the roads or navigated through traffic, it felt natural and normal.

There is a part of me that feels like seven weeks here in MI mean that it should now feel like home... I mean after all, I like it here, but it does not feel like home. In my head I should be attached to here already, and while I certainly love aspects of here, it is not "home"... yet. I have full confidence that my heart will catch up to my head and it will not only feel like home, but I will create forever friendships, and I will never want to leave.. And, knowing how the last few moves have gone, right about the time I never want to leave will be exactly when the Lord moves me haha

The Vow...

Tonight I saw a pre-screening of the movie The Vow. I was very surprised by the movie for a few reasons.. first of which is because it is inspired by true events; so, while it seems initially that it will have all the classic elements of a typical chick flick with drama, but the perfect-man-wins-in-the-end-because-they-were-meant-to-be, it actually has more real elements, real emotions, and when all was said an done, a real picture of the couple at the end than is to be expected, and it turns out different than I was expecting (in a satisfying but not entirely predictable way).

I cannot give away too much of the movie, but I walked away inspired by true love (not the movie/hollywood/chick flick kind of love), but real, broken, hurting, confusing, and sometimes totally unfocused love. The main character (Channing Tatum) is not perfect, he loses his temper, walks away, and in one instances punches someone out.. but in other instances he forgets that his wife does not remember him at all and is just in love with his wife and nurturing towards her. The wife (Rachel McAdams) loses her memory in a car accident that is not their fault, and subsequently reverts back to who she was five years prior before several major events in her life, including marrying her husband. She does a great job of portraying the confusion, the personality differences, and the struggles someone in her place would be in... Including the torn emotions of what you remember, who you remember loving conflicting with the clear love and patience of someone who says they will love you always.

I strongly recommend the movie (a lot of girls cried, although I don't cry at movies, so that wasn't something I struggled with), not because it is a chick flick (although that helps) but because in the end you walk away satisfied... especially when you see a picture and are updated as to the real couple's life now.

One of the lines that struck me was when they got married (in flashbacks), part of the vows she wrote to him were "... And I promise to always make my home in your heart."

Two thoughts pertaining to that line...
How does that look if it is applied to Jesus making His home in our heart? And, do we make our home in His?
And, the commitment it takes to make something your home is daily in good times and bad, but even more so when it is someone's heart, that is a profoundly difficult statement. It is one that I think makes sense and speaks of dedication and purposeful and intentional love. That type of love seeks out the other one, it is patient, it is kind, it does not want what belongs to others, it does not brag it is not proud, it is not rude, it does not look out for its own interests, it does not easily become angry, it does not keep track of other people's wrongs, it is not happy with evil, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, it never gives up, and it never fails.

Longest Stay...

Last night, I laid in bed thinking about the last year, the beginning of the next year, and just sort of taking inventory a bit. I realized that, as of today, I will have lived in one place for the longest amount of time since I was 17... That is almost ten years!

Let me break it down this way...
My senior year of highschool we moved to the first house my parents owned.. and we are all convinced it was made for our family.

About six months later I moved to college (I know it is not really a "move".. but it is if you are a girl haha).. I then proceeded to move to and from college for four years, including to and from summer camps every summer.

After I graduated at 22, I moved home... lived there for almost a year, but in the process had packed all my things preparing to move to Africa, then when that fell through I ended up moving to Ohio for summer camp again. At the end of the summer, I got a job in central VA, packed everything I owned/could fit in my car and made the 12 hour trek to my new "home".

Once in central VA, I lived in a temporary apartment for a month. Then moved into a new (beautiful) apartment for 8 months. Then moved to a cute house with two girls for just under a year. Then moved to an attic (my favorite room ever) of the house my roomie had bought... Lived there for 5 months... Then moved to DC where I have been for JUST over a year now.

So, since my senior year of high school I have yet to live in one house for more than a year... And yet, here I am beginning my second year in this same house, feels weird and good at the same time. Part of me thinks there is no possible way I will make another whole year, but then again, stranger things have happened!

Home...

Last weekend I went home to celebrate my parent's 30th Anniversary.. We had a party with tons of people, a surprise mini-replica of their cake, picture boards, and lots of food and laughter.. It was a great day!.. Of course my parents take every large event in the summer as reason to fix, repair, or build something around the house, so we spent all of Friday making updates to the house.. which normally can get obnoxious, but since all of us were around and helping it really was kinda fun.. especially since I spent the majority of the day goofing off and "entertaining" the 3 little ones haha!

Friday night we went to see the new Planet of the Apes, which was alright. Not great, not horrible, decently entertaining. Then my little brother, his girlfriend, and my little sister and I played dutch blitz until WAY too late.. We had a blast making fun of each other for anything and everything. :)

Saturday was great and lots of fun catching up with everyone.. and I am pretty sure it was 30million degrees in the house due to the rain and already muggy weather! But, we all had a blast, and laughed a lot :)

Sunday my family (minus my older brother's family) went canoeing.. We had virtually every weather except snow while on the river, but had a blast trying and succeeding at flipping each other... except my parents who were the carrier of all stuff we didn't want to lose.. and "Switzerland" when it came to safe zone.. haha My little brother, sister, and my brother's girlfriend left with battle wounds from the rocks, elbows, knees, canoes, oars, and tree branches.. but had a blast the whole time, and definitely laughed at each other throughout the entire 4+ hour trip. My poor sister cut her toe on a rock, but thankfully it was near the end.. and my little brother just sorta picked her up and toted her around once we were done haha

I was reminded of a few things this last weekend.. First, my family is awesome. Not perfect, but awesome none the less... I am related to some crazies, and really thankful that distance allows me to miss them so I can actually look forward to and enjoy my time with them.. (instead of dreading their special brand of crazy). And, God is doing a lot in the lives of me and my family.. It is exciting and frustrating all at the same time!

I loved being home :)

All in The Family...

I was chatting with my mom yesterday about random tid bits from home, including paint colors she was letting dry to replace what my siblings and I affectionately called "Beige Hell" due to the fact that the entire house was painted some sort of beige/cream color... and has since remained so until my siblings and I at different times decided we could not handle it anymore and painted our bedrooms bright, vibrant or just plain pretty colors to break up the monotony that was beige hell.. aka home haha.. Then about a year ago my mom surprised ALL of us and painted the kitchen yellow. We were shocked.. and elated all at the same time... Currently my mom is in the process of changing several walls to a (as my sister calls it) mint green or chocolate pudding brown.. I am pumped to see it since my entire bedroom here in DC is a chocolate mocha brown.

Then my mom went into random thoughts about my brother and things going on with him, the upcoming anniversary party, and random things my sister has been doing that is really funny to help me prep for the party...

Then mom explained a situation that they are all facing. There is a chance (a good one) that another person will make an entrance into the family due to circumstances that need changing. Ironically, the last time this took place, he is still living there, refers to my parents as mom and dad, calls our place home, and honestly has lived there for almost the better part of 3 years now. He has grown up a lot since moving in with my family, and done a whole lot of stupid with my little brother.. but, somehow through it all God has used this situation to touch and make a difference to all of us in the family. As my mom put it when he moved back home after being gone for a while... it was contentment and peace feeling like "family" was where it was supposed to be. She and dad were shocked to find out he was contemplating changing his last name to ours... as ironically another girl who has since affectionately become another sister did.. well, that is until she got married. However, we are facing a new situation in the family, one that will certainly require a lot of prayer and wisdom on my parents part, but somehow there seems to be a lot of peace in the decision as well. The timing seems perfect too seeing as our other "brother" is getting ready to head to boot-camp for what is the beginning of a journey that has taken a while to get into... Which means there is a free bed to be had in my brothers room. God's timing is perfect.. and amazes me constantly..

However, today I was talking with my little sister about the situation, since she had brought it up asking if I had heard.. so I was getting her thoughts and opinions. Checking to make sure she was feeling ok about it all... Which not only was she ok about it, she was blowing me away with the maturity and clarity in which she sees the situation. Especially since there are certain aspects of home life that will have to change in order to accommodate the new member of the family.. And, most of those accommodations will have to be enacted on her as well.. She not only is aware of these new facts of her life, but welcomes them with the understanding and wisdom that many people my age could not fathom. She gets the bigger picture of what is at stake and what this means in an eternal sense. I am amazed. We also spent a while joking about my parent's unspoken game of "let's see how large we can grow our family without having any more babies!" ... If we look at this.. my family has suddenly ballooned from 6 to 7 after marriage, to 10 after their kids, to soon to be 13 if this situation pans out.. and really 14 with the marriage of one of the "siblings"... and 15 with an addition of a girl friend... Talk about multiplication of family! Sheesh!.. I mean really, talk about the love of Christ for my parents to have grown their family from 10 to 15 merely because they have chosen to love others unconditionally through pain, frustration, aggravation, laughter, birthdays, farts, roughhousing, furniture breaking, food... lots and lots of food bills, more activities than vehicles to take people, and more hugs than anyone but the Lord can count...

My parents amaze me with how quickly they jump in and not only accept these situations, but roll up their sleeves and prepare to be more intentional than most people ever know or realize.. My parents rarely do anything without thinking it through and calculating the cost... And amazingly they choose to do it and make the sacrifices anyway... All because they understand the Grace, Mercy, but mostly the unconditional Love they have received from Christ Jesus our Savior...

But, what amazes me even more is how much both my little brother and little sister truly and honestly get the fact that these situations mean something more than physically having another person in the house.. or having another person feel like home. They understand the greater purpose and the greater reason behind what my parents are doing... And, are not just ok with it, but fully supportive and accepting of the game changers these situations bring into the entire family as a whole.

It is all in the family, and there is no wonder why I am the way I am.. Or that I am so blessed.

Recent Thoughts...

I have a lot of random thoughts lately.. but I have not thought through them enough to detail them out.. so, here is the snippet list version...

There IS a right and a wrong.
Monogamy, polygamy, and poly-amorous are not even close to the same things.
The beach does amazing things for stress.
Hugs make life better.
One person can honestly make or break a day.
The God Anthology is a kick-butt sermon series.
I know what God is doing in this period of my life.
I might actually like school this next 8 weeks.
My brother and Sister in law will be home from Africa in less than 24 hours.
I go home in 3 weeks.
God surprises me with opportunities sometimes.
I love watching friends' life changing stories.
I miss some of my friends a whole heck of a lot.
I hate how little I have traveled outside of the country lately.
Preparing for the future sucks most of the time.
I will choose singlehood over mediocrity every time.
Despite it all I see God working.
The sun does amazing things.
I am never lonely enough to settle.
Putting my big girl panties on is essential on a daily basis.
I know that some of my problems are really just childish.
I have amazing friends.
I am blessed even in the bitterness of night... And know it.
I will love you even if you are wrong.
I have to choose to love someone else and their needs over my preferences.
Everything has a time... This too will pass.
I never take for granted those who understand me.
God makes everything beautiful in it's time.

Someday it will all make perfect beautiful sense.

Edgingly Different...

I was thinking about this yesterday as I drove to work. How "out of control" of my life I am. I mean I never planned to end up working on the 4th floor of a National organization in Old Town Alexandria. I never would have chosen to move to DC and become a part of the life and culture here. I never would have guessed that I would have spent two years in central VA, and I certainly never would have guessed I would have all the physical things I have. How is it that I own a car, am renting a HUGE house, own a Mac computer, an ipod nano, a slew of fantastic clothes, shoes, and jewelry, and the finances that allow me to essentially plan to buy whatever I want at some point in the relatively near future if I budget correctly. How have I become that person?.. I have no idea. I did not set out after college to get or be this type of person, all I wanted to do was love people for Jesus. So, in fact, my goal after college was to spend 27 months in Africa with the Peace Corps. Instead I have spend the last 3 1/2 years building a resume that is so much more fantastic then I feel I am. How have I found myself placed in a job that is so well paying that I am going to knock out substantial amounts of debt very quickly? I have no idea. I have not set out for riches or fame, in fact, I could careless about ever owning a home of my own... And yet, here I am feeling totally overwhelmed with the things I am blessed with in my life. How have I become this person? So insanely blessed that I do not know what to do with it?.. I do not know. All I know is that I am constantly praying that the Lord does not let me get swept away with the tides of the fickle people that surround me and do no turn to Him. I do not want to become this person without Him. I am not drawn to it, and I certainly do not need it, so then I must have a purpose, a mission, an adventure, and it would be impossible without His guidance.. or rather it would be pointless and have about the value of a vapor on a windy day.

I want to gallivant around this town being edgingly different. I want people who meet me to be perplexed by the dynamics that make up who I am. I do not care if they look at me and decide based on my looks that I must be different or the same, what I want is for them to walk away from an encounter with me knowing I am real, loving, and that my life is being driven by Christ. I want to be different because normal is overrated. I have discovered safe is boring and not at all what we are called to surround ourselves with, and I have never desired for the "comfortable" so why would I start now? I want the ones who are scorned by other Christians to be drawn to me, to my life, to my laughter, to my joking, to my love, and to my Savior God.

I am so much further from perfect and put together then I would like to be at this point in my life... But, it is who I am, and where I am at, so Lord use it. I am going to grow like whoa here in the metropolis that is DC, but I am also excited to push to be even more passionate, excited, and in love with my sweet Jesus. How exciting that I have been put here. God is good.

Now, for those of you that keep asking, here is a bit about my actual life and first week here... I finally feel like I am at this point of no longer being overly stimulated or overwhelmed at the sheer magnitude of the things I am now having to adjust to and call home. I caught up on homework which was a huge help, and was able to do some familiar things, even though it was in a totally new place.

So, to explain the random assortment of things that have happened my first week here:

From a work perspective:
Day 1 - Sunny
Day 2 - Partly cloudy
Day 3 - Mostly cloudy
Day 4 - Rainy...
Day 5 - I was amusingly expecting a monsoon or snow.. thankfully it was partly sunny haha

From a life perspective:
Thursday I decided staying home and doing homework was not at all enticing since I had spent the previous three evenings doing exactly that, so I peaced out and went salsa dancing. I enlisted the help of my wonderful friend who exposed me to the Latin dance world to begin with and we found a place not too far away that would be good and allow me to "just dance" haha I only stayed for a couple hours, but was able to partake in an intermediate class, learn some new things, and then dance. Surprisingly, I was asked to dance a decent amount, and quickly realized that I have a long way to go until I can consider myself a good dancer... but, I am really excited to be around such a large number of good dancers on a regular basis to help me improve!

I also discovered this week that my church has a martial arts bible study that meets on Sundays, trains some, then goes through some Bible passages.. I'm stoked!.. Especially since there's Arnis involved as one of the styles!! :) Between these two activities, it has helped curb my (I'm sure false) feelings of becoming "fat and lazy." I am excited to know that I don't HAVE to go running if I don't want to, I can dance and do martial arts for very little money or travel.. and I don't have to worry about or get aggravated by ancient mysticism working its way into my martial arts!

Friday night, I met up with a friend from Lynchburg and a local friend of hers, and we went to Old Town and had a great night just hanging out... and maybe laughing at the incredibly unaware white men really feeling and trying to "channel" Kesha on the dance-floor... poor guys.

Today, I went with those same friends to explore Georgetown. We had some fantastic coffee... Who's employees were incredibly amused by my typical "Americano with Flavor." "What flavor?" "Surprise me." :) We walked around, I got some GREAT ideas for Christmas, and realized how cheap and practical I am yet again... and then got a FANTASTIC Chai cupcake. This is also about when I realized that I even though cheap and buy pretty much NOTHING unless it is on-sale.. I enjoy great food, and am ok spending money on good food.... Weird?.. Maybe a bit haha

Tonight, I plan on heading to a friend of a friends house... by myself to partake in a game night! Haha, good thing I do not scare easily huh? Showing up to a random persons house where I know no one to play games.. I must be crazy right?... Or maybe I just have a Savior, a blackbelt, and a severe lack of fear of social situations lol Besides, how else am I supposed to meet people? Everyone has fears, insecurities, goals, ambitions, stories, and a past... No one is totally unique and normal. I just assume that we have an equal amount of good stories and bad stories from our past, and that they look at me and recognize that I am just as "normal" as they are.. so why not be friends? :) The idea of strangers has always been a foreign concept to me... They're only strangers until you can introduce them to someone else right?... And that, takes a grand total of knowing someone for 30 seconds...

I am really excited to make the trek to Church tomorrow... To once again have church in the basement of a coffee shop, and slowly begin to feel more at home. I am excited to meet God there once again, only this time hopefully less ADD and more focused.

I know I have said this, but I am really looking forward to the things to come. The new friendships I make, the people I get to love, the opportunities I will get, and all the times God is going to have teachable moments!

Home...

I love being home. Everything about it just lends to security. Bad days, good ones, hectic ones.. It does not matter, there is security here. As in all families, there are things that drive me nuts.. little nuances that really are not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but everyone has things that annoys them. Mostly, when you move away and set up your own pattern for life, returning to someone else's no matter how familiar is an adjustment...

But, here is the thing... Putting every little annoyance aside... I have such a solid, loving, caring family. How did I get so blessed? I have no idea. But, here are some things I am just thinking about being home...

I love the smell of home.. it is a weird mixture of a fire (from the wood burning stove) and something else that probably is the smell of food haha :) I love the sounds.. there is always a familiar sound, someone talking, laughing, doing something, the wood burning stove fans going.. something that is just normal. The normal sounds of my family, such as each person's distinct walk as they walk across the pergo. Voices.. I love the voices of each of my family members, so distinct and familiar :) I love being able to hear them just going about life.

However, beyond the normalcy that is home.. (I mean lets be honest.. everyone could point to these things and find sentiment in their own way for their own homes.) Today I laughed with my little brother and sister a lot as we just did normal things (for us)... My sister and I watched tv, and snuggled on the couch to keep warm, because my little brother would not make a fire :) Then, my little brother decided he was cold.. and laid on top of us.. which of course added itself to beginning a wrestling, tickling, pinching, punching fight that usually lasts a LONG time, and creates lots of bruises (for me at least lol) and laughter. We cleaned and cooked and just did normal things while our parents were gone. Chatted about who knows what, shared music, youtube videos, and laughed at things that I am fairly confident are only funny to my siblings and I. Dad and I went on a "Daddy Date" ... Something I will seriously want my husband someday to do with our kids, and something I want to do with my kids (although mommy instead of daddy obviously). We went to see Avatar in 3D (GREAT movie!), but beforehand, I got coffee (Dad HATES coffee) and we walked around Barnes and Noble and talked about science and the Bible, we talked about truth in my life and various other things I have been thinking... I told Dad this Daddy Date got and A+ :)

The thing that I love in all of this, is that we all honestly love and respect each other deeply. We talk about Jesus as though it is normal conversation, like the weather or what we will eat for dinner.. There is such a great understanding of where we have come from, pain we have gone through, and the joy we have all shared. And, as simple as it sounds.. I LOOK like these people, I sound like them, I laugh like them, and I hold the same beliefs that they have. I am understood, accepted, and regardless I do not often have to explain the why behind what I am saying or doing.. It is just understood. Such a refreshing thing. Odd sounding, but refreshing none the less. :)

I love the security and protected feelings that come with being home. I am safe. This is the feeling I want people to feel when I am around or they are at my place. I want people to know they are safe and protected, that I can be trusted and relied on. I am excited to someday create a life and a home like this with my own family :) How cool. :)

I love the contentment that comes with being home. Peace is here.

Get It..

So, last weekend I went home... It was the first time I had been home in six months, and boy did it feel like forever. The couple days leading up to me going home I was getting progressively more anxious and ready to just be home. I had this overwhelming desire and need to be around people who just get me. I do not need to explain, and I do not need to try to be anything or anyone other than me... I am loved and cared for unconditionally... And, for the record, I still hold to the fact that everyone should know my family :)

On my long drive home, my friend was sitting next to me on the phone, doing a Bible study with a couple other people, and I was left to drive and think... Which was very ok with me. Driving just gave me a chance to think through everything and emotions I had been feeling and building up over the last while... I came to the conclusion after a while of thinking that, I was totally at peace. I was content. I knew I was going home, it was going to be a fantastic weekend. I was going to get more hugs in one day than I do in most weeks, my niece and nephews were going to want some serious time and attention... something I am more than willing to give :) I was going to see the best friend, and I was going to be able to breathe a breath of fresh air, and hit the re-boot button. I was excited to have my friend meet my family, and my family was going to get to meet my friend.. it was going to be a fantastic weekend.. and I was excited.

The great thing is that, weekend did not disappoint either. I mean, I lacked serious amounts of sleep.. but it was totally worth every minute I gave up to spend talking and spending time with my family and best friend :) I laughed like crazy and exchanged punch for punch with my brothers :) It was wonderful... lol

But, two of the most meaningful points were a long extended conversation with my mom.. which started in the middle of the hallway and migrated to sitting on my bed. We just talked about everything that has been going on, feelings I had about various things, things I felt like God was showing me, challenges I had been facing, and how much of a relief it was to simply be home. It was neat to share these things, and then get my mom's response because she's... well she's my mom, so she sees me in a totally different light than anyone else. And, while I am really close with my dad as well because I am a total daddy's girl, he is a guy, and a dad, so his perspective is different than hers. :) It was so reassuring to have my mom listen and totally understand what I was talking about. I love that about my mom... she gets me and my thought process.. even if she does not understand the way I communicate, she understands all the why's behind what I am saying and doing.

Then, on Sunday I was able to spend several hours just hanging out with, shopping, drinking coffee, and laughing with my best friend. We have decided that literally we can spend hours every day talking and still feel like we do not see each other enough. We talk about everything, thoughts, ideas, funny situations, what God's doing and telling us, all the rabbit trails in our minds that prove difficult to explain to other people... We spend lots of time being each other's sounding boards for things, and offering our perspective and understanding to each situation. It just ends up being a really wonderful time.. plus we laugh a lot.. and both have HUGE amounts of respect for each other, and we both think the other one is absolutely beautiful, and that we are totally blessed to have each other as friends.. It is just great :)

I am totally and completely blessed and I know it. I have no idea how I got so lucky or why Jesus has given me these people in my life... but I am so incredibly thankful He has :)

Home To Me...

How do you know you're where God wants you? I dunno if this is true for everyone, but it's where you feel home is. When I was thinking of moving to VA for this job, they took me up to the city I'd most likely be living in, and while we were driving through the city I kept thinking "what would I do if this were my home now?" Nothing about it felt particularly grabbing... or foreign, and yet I felt like "ok, well if this is it, I can do it if You help me." Well.. ok I didn't actually say that, but my heart said it to God as we drove..

When I went home this past weekend to visit my family and be in my roomie's wedding it was so completely familiar... Smelled the same, looked the same (except the yellow they painted!!), same people, same sounds.. it was all the same. I felt the love and caring that is a trademark of my family.. and yet, it wasn't the same anymore. I think this weekend I realized how completely in the center of God's will I am in being where I am. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, as chaotic, hectic, and fast paced it is.. As much as I miss my family, and wish they were closer... As much as it kills me to not be able to be around to fix problems on a daily basis... I am where I'm supposed to be. I am Home here. I am where God has placed me... I don't know completely why, and I don't know for how long, and I'm not even sure if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing to the degree I'm supposed to be doing it. All I know is, I'm following my heart, and I'm allowing my natural flow of actions and reactions to take over... because otherwise I become frustrated and lazy. So, home is here now. I'm not really completely sure what that means, and part of my heart feels like that's sad because that means home is no longer where my family is... But, I am not drawn to their mission like I used to be, I do not desire to change things that we were involved in like I used to... In fact, while I was there I kept thinking "what opportunities am I missing at home?"... which was my first clue.. and then I kept thinking "I wonder if so and so was able to..." just wondering if things got accomplished, if someone was there to care for them, if someone showed them love... It also became increasingly difficult to explain what I'm doing, what I love, who different people are, and why they are so essential to me right now.. I had a hard time explaining the places I've seen God work, and the things He's done inside of me.. I hate that.

So, while part of me is now sad that I no longer feel like I need to be at home with my family.. part of me is relieved because I can focus all of my attention... which really is a misnomer because "all" really doesn't mean everything haha :) It really means "the majority" because I can never just stop reconnecting with people I love at places I've been... I can never just stop trying to help them... It's just different when you realize you're doing exactly what you're supposed to... exactly when you're supposed to..

So, for all the good and bad implied.. Home is where I am right now, and I am thankful and grateful for it. I do however wish all the other people I love so dearly who don't live here.. would move here.. Ok, the end. :)