Emotionally Exciting...

I am so tired right now.

I am really excited.

I am really stressed.

I am really busy.

I am really hopeful.

I am so thankful my God is here with me.

It has been such an amazingly draining couple of weeks, and the ride is not over yet. I love the adventure seeking that has been built into the very fibers of who I am, I enjoy that taking off into uncharted territory does not scare me, but instead brings me a sense of alive that I do not get from every day life. I love how much I know I am unaware of what is to come, and I am totally overwhelmed with every bit of emotion that I have been going through the last couple weeks. I am so thankful that even in the small things God is taking control and not letting me control what is to come.

My poor roomie has been crazy busy and working til way late, and here I am busy, tired and emotionally feeling less patient, kind, and loving then normal... She has been amazing through every bit of this. How will I do without her?.. I have no idea.

My other best friends are being fantastic.. and I am so not deserving of it.. and I do not even mean that in a humility showing kinda way.. I mean really, I have no way of ever showing them how much their patience and perseverance means to me right now.. Especially with my totally lacking patience... I am so sorry to them for that :/

I spent somewhere around 7 1/2 hours doing homework today.. I did not get everything accomplished I had wanted to, nor did I do as well on the test as I had wanted to.. But, I can successfully check another thing off my list of things to do... (Does my list ever actually get smaller?!)

Today, I have found my emotions being a bit off.. mostly in the internal dialogue of my level of patience... but a couple times it has become pretty clear I am sure to my friends (again I'm so sorry for the crazy that all of this is and my reaction to it all). But, parts of me have just felt.. off. Maybe due to stress.. maybe due to the fact that I am realizing how much I still have to do to leave so many of my loved ones here...

One thing is for certain, I had no idea how many people I have grown attached to in the 2 years I have been here, and I definitely had no idea so many people around me cared so much for me and love having me around... I am so blessed. Whatever God has next has to be pretty freakin spectacular to pull me away from this!.. I am so curious what it is!

I found out today one of my cousin's fiance died today. I do not really know any details, but I do know that he was a few years younger than me, and he and my cousin just had a beautiful baby girl about a month ago. Please remember to pray for her and my extended family... and that they seek after God in this time. I know what my savior can do, I just hope they look to Him to do it.

I had another exhausting yet necessary conversation with one of my best friends about our friendship. Both of us have been through a whole heck of a lot this year, and it has become apparent that our friendship has suffered in the line of fire of life. We are both very hopeful of the ability for our friendship to bounce back.. but man this couldn't come at worse timing. Both of us are tired, emotionally drained from everything else going on, and we are just now beginning to realize some of the issues that need resolving and healing and lots of prayer.. I am really glad God can do anything.. including solve, resolve, heal, and make new and stronger our friendship.

Tomorrow we sign the lease on our new house... (we being my new roomies and I). We are gonna start painting and moving in the rest of this week (Friday for me since it is about 3 1/2 hours away). I am so excited to be there and begin settling in... again... If only I did not have to worry about the rest of this class that ends Wednesday, and the next class (Economics) that begins Thursday... oh boy...

My car is currently "in the shop" which really means parked at my mechanic friend's house.. I am SO thankful for him and his ability to fix my car for almost always half what I am quoted elsewhere...

My little brother and I spent a while chatting and making each other laugh tonight... sharing youtube videos and random stories, I miss him, but definitely needed a bit of time with him, even if it was through facebook.

My army friend arrived in Hawaii where he is stationed until he deploys in April... (I am really glad I am going to get to see him around New years) I am so proud of all the hard work he has put in this year into achieving his goals and dreams (graduating ranger school and airborne school!).. Not to mention how totally humbling it is knowing he is doing all of this to protect all of us... and then to know God created him to do exactly this.. That's really an amazing thought.

I am really tired, excited, stressed, and probably every other emotion there is.. I am trying really very hard to make sure I am responding appropriately to things, and it is times like these where I can tell my emotions are getting the best of me that I am annoyed even more by it all!...

Thank goodness Jesus forgives and loves me still!

False Things...

I was perusing Facebook recently and I was reading posts from friends from highschool, college, and post college and realizing how many of them think "all they need is...." name it. A boy, their boy, food, caffeine, the best friend, a hug, sleep, a girlfriend, their significant other... etc..etc.. And, while sometimes I can definitely see the need for this, I could not help but wonder how many times we... I shift what I need into something that I do not actually need, but would get instant gratification for this moment.

How many times do I need to read my Bible or listen to worship music.. or worse yet, how many times am I supposed to be still and silent... and instead I search and "need" something else to make my life better. Ugh, my heart hurts at this realization not only in my own life, but in the lives of my friends and family members who are broken. The ones who believe their boyfriend holds their value, the ones who believe makeup makes them worthy, the ones who judge their preciousness based on the number of text messages they get in a day... What they NEED is to fall in love... with their Creator. What I need is to fall deeper in love with my lord.

False things create more insecurity and fears... but, if God is with me then whom will I fear? Why would I live as if fear is my motivator instead of as though life is my playground and Jesus has won already? False things of any kind create more problems and more hurt, pain, stress etc..

Here I Go Again...

So, just over two years ago I started this blog as way to share my thoughts, feelings, and all the various ways God is shaping me and my worldview. It seemed like such a huge thing because I was packing everything I owned (and could fit) into my car and moving 4 states away to a place I was totally unfamiliar with and knew no one.

This move is not anywhere near as "scary," but I find myself just as torn and excited about moving. I love adventure, I love new things.. especially if they take the form of challenges, and I am really exited about doing things I have never done before! I get to live in a big city that has lots of cool things to do. Riding the metro will allow me to use my commute time for Bible reading or other things I feel compelled to do in the mornings instead of driving! Also, I will probably live alone for at least a while, which I am very ok with at this point because it will allow me to feel stress free about people coming to visit.. and it will give me time and space to create myself a home-safe zone. I am excited about the new challenges and things the new job will present. There are lots of things that will be different, but enough the same that I will feel somewhat comfortable in that.

So, here I go again. Off to new things.. new place, new adventures, trials, laughter, friends, sights, sounds, smells... I am ready for God to show me what's next, and what I need to learn and pay attention to for this next step in my journey. Right now I have no feeling of time like I did last big transition.. So, we shall see what He does :) I am excited.

Not Enough...

It is days like today, and weeks like the ones coming up, that I realize I am just not enough. I cannot do things on my own strength and will, and I certainly never have enough patience to handle things... especially when I start from a stressed point of view.

I have no idea how I am going to gracefully (or patiently) get through the next 3 weeks. The to-do list is ever growing, and the things I accomplish just do not seem to make any difference to my list.

Oh Lord, Please help me.

Answers...

I am so very ecstatic to express all the things that God has done this week...

First, this week started out horrible.. and showed signs of staying that way all week long.

Thursday, I decided I had about as much as I could handle and decided I needed a break, I needed to peace out and give my mind and body a chance to break from the norm. I took off and went dancing for the evening. I went to an event that took place in an art museum.. I laughed, danced, and almost slipped on the marble floors over and over, and ended the night being exhausted but content. I made a new friend, and had a great time just doing something different and unusual in my average week.

Friday, I burrowed away and worked on a massive project for work all day, only getting interrupted by some of my already graduated students wanting to update me on the new things in their life. Both conversations were great, and lots of fun. Then, I continued with my need for a break from the normal and went to a dinner event with my new friend. We had fun talking with people about a wide variety of topics over a fantastic view and dinner. Then, to top it all off, I went to Cha cha and Salsa workshops.. and proceeded to dance for several hours... Safe to say, my feet are killing me, my legs, core, and neck are sore... But, I am content and happy once again.

All week long, I felt like Satan was just high gear attacking me. I could tell because that things I normally do not care about, and things that do not normally aggravate me were driving me insane.

Friday, after work I got a phone call that I got the job I interviewed for in DC, the pay increase I would need to afford rent, and fantastic benefits are included in this job. I am ridiculously excited about this job for lots of reasons... including the fact that I love the city, and I will get the chance to live in the city and ride the metro (meaning no more 35k miles a year on my car!). I also am excited about the changes that will occur and the challenges I am about to face... While this job is essentially exactly what I am doing right now, there are aspects that I have yet to do, such as a job on a national level, and more traveling for my job. I am really excited about those aspects of my job.

God answers prayers in His absolutely perfect timing in a manner that I never would have chosen or plotted for myself, but am really excited about.

Does He See...

I have been thinking a lot about where things are in my life, where I have come from, what I have come through, and all of the same thoughts for my friend's lives as well.

There are certain markers in my life that make it easy to pause and take a look back. For example, today is a really good friend's birthday... One year ago today we met, and instantly we became friends. Neither of us expected much out of the friendship, and neither of us expected to become as good of friends as we are especially since most of our relationship revolves around fun banter, random conversations, and doing a whole lot of nothing together... But, sprinkled in there are lots of absolutely fantastic conversations, and a whole heck of a lot of prayer. So, today is an easy day to look back and be amazed at what God has done... The path we have all taken, and the ways things have changed that I just would never have guessed a year ago. So, before I continue with that thought, I just wanna say.. Happy 23rd birthday my dear friend. You are more amazing than you realize, and God has some pretty spectacular things in-store in your life; if the last year is any indication! I love you bunches, and I pray for you pretty much every day... You're even on my 3x5 bathroom card (whoa big deal!;).

However, looking at the last year I can very easily remember a lot of pain... Not because of my friend haha... but just in general. A lot of stress, a lot of strained relationships, a lot of unsolvable problems, a lot of doctors visits, more broken relationships, and a whole heck of a lot of mishaps that should have been avoided... a lot of pain, that is what I remember from the last year.

Ironically, just before summer 2009 came to a close I had a conversation with a woman asking how I "really was" and I told her this: "I am honestly doing really well... Life is great! But, I just have this feeling that something bad is coming.. that maybe life has been soo great for so long that it is about time for some crap in my life..." haha I had no idea what I was saying, nor what that crap would include.. but MAN was I right.

If you have been following my blog for any length of time or if you have scanned back through the last few months, it is no secret that only recently have I found contentment once again. July of this year ushered in a very welcome period of peace knowing that God is in fact in charge, and I can trust Him. He not only created all things, He created me, and has every intention of taking care of me... Whew!... Then I lost my job. haha! Things came in the perfect order, and I was totally at peace with the information that in a few months I would be laid off. I was so much at peace with it in fact that when I found out my response was ".. Ok... God'll take care of me... Now about this..." and I was just ready to move on, it was no massive blow to my life, and I was not worried...

This entire year every month brought new crap into my life, new tasks that had to be managed and new feelings that had to be controlled. I was faced with one awful thing after another, and no redeeming anything to balance out the emotional roller-coaster I was feeling.. It was just all bad. Never once did I doubt God's presence in my life, and never once did I curse God.. I saw Him moving AND answering my prayers in other people's lives... the number of prayers that got crossed off my 3x5 cards was just inspiring!.... I knew my God, I knew He loved and created not but me but everything around me...

But, come June I had just reached the end of what I could handle. I was about to fall and I knew it, and finally I had reached a place where in my prayers I would pray for all the needs of those around me.. and then I would sorta just sit broken and ask... "God, do you see me?... Do you see what I am going through?.. Do you realize how close to the edge I am?.. Do you see and feel this hurt inside of me?.. Do you know that I am too weak to continue?.. I have no fight left..... I. Need. You... Do you see?" Those were my prayers in June. In July God responded with "Daughter, I see you. I am here, and I am going before you, and coming behind you. Trust me, rely on me, and let ME hold you. I. See. You." He restored my heart, He healed my brokenness, and He calmed my mind. He saw me and made that clear.

I do not know how He does it, but He guarded my heart when I had no idea how. He protects me from myself even now, and He has made it clear that I am not to worry about tomorrow. So, I don't. My current circumstances make no sense, and definitely point to hurt, frustration, and anxiety... and yet I feel nothing but peace and contentment. I am safe, I am loved, and I will be ok. That is all I need to know because my God sees me. He knows exactly what I am going through because He has not removed Himself from my situation to watch from afar.

Does He see me? Does He know what I am going through?.... Yes.

Pursue Me...

I love how much I learn from friends. My friends have no idea how much I need them every day, they have no concept of how much of an impact they make on my life, and they certainly have no idea how much I think about even the smallest things they do or say... I mull over their actions because I want to learn, I want to be more like them, sometimes just in the smallest ways, and they slowly change me from the inside out without any clue.

Recently I have taken on an attitude.. or air of patience and contentment.. which I LOVE, but it certainly has changed a whole slew of my responses to situations. I could go on and on about all of these reactions, but the one I have been thinking the most about is the thought and idea of being pursued. And while I have no guy in mind, I still feel like writing this as though it is to a certain person... Let me just say this to start the thought:

If you want me, come get me.

I have no desire nor intention of running and hiding, but I also have been hurt enough to know I need you to prove that I am wanted, desired, and that you will not throw me away because of something better or more appealing... or worse, you will not push me away until I break and cannot handle it anymore, forcing me to make the choice to end it and walk away.

It has become very apparent that until you come for me I am going to be so very thankfully content to live my life to the fullest that God has intended for me. I have adventures planned, and am living through things I never expected but am pretty happy with. I have no intentions of creating opportunities for you or pursuing you. If you do not initiate and make the first move, I will go about my life without you. I like to think of it as a dance. You have to work up the courage ask me to dance, and once we are out on the dance floor, I will respond to the signals you send. To everyone else, it will look flawless and beautiful.. but to us it will be hard work, and you will always have to be one step ahead of me... But, in the end it will be a blast, and we will be excited to continue our journey and adventure together with God being the music that we are both dancing to...

These thoughts come in part because of a conversation with a couple friends late last week. One of my friends spent a couple hours explaining a story from a recent trip, the story was very entertaining, of course leaving room for us girls to be... well girls. We giggled and laughed at the ridiculousness that were certain points in the story, and ended with encouraging her to stick to her God given role in the relationship. Lets not fool ourselves, at no point is it easy to leave the guy to God and let God deal with him and his heart.. but it is always the better choice.

So, here I am... Living a wonderfully exciting life full of things only God could have planned... and one of these days you will know I am the one you want and you will pursue me. I am excited and can't wait... but really I can because until then life will keep both of us busy enough and we will learn some irreplaceable things that we will need later. All I ask is that when God tells you to, you come for me. Thanks ;)