Krista's Heart

27th Birthday...

2012-01-29T23:12:00.000-05:00

Today I turn 27.

I have had one of the best birthdays, and have been reminded of how incredibly blessed and fortunate I am to have so many people in my life who love me dearly... even when I fall short.

I will write more about the weekend later... Right now, here are the top 27 things from the last year (in chronological order):

Two of my best friends getting engaged 30 seconds after the the ball dropped on New Years.
My bff marrying the man of her dreams, and getting to stand up in her wedding with her.
My best friends and roomie surprising me for my 26th birthday.
My little brother showing up for my 26th birthday with a dozen roses from him and my older brother.
Spending Easter with my best friend from college and his wife.
Getting to surprise my older brother for his birthday.
A friend moving to DC and becoming a close friend.
A new roomie moving into the house.
The wedding of a great friend.
My two best friends getting married.. and spending the weekend with so many close friends.
Throwing my parents a 30th anniversary party and seeing everyone.
The Bachata congress here in DC with such a wonderful friend.
Lake and beach days.
Helping my bff and her husband move.
Visiting my cousin in California.
Learning to Paddle board.
Finally letting God take control of my frustrating work situation.
Finding stability and peace internally for the first time in two years.
Surviving the first year of Grad school.
Reconnecting with an old college friend.
Making Thanksgiving dinner with a my wonderful friend.
Letting God use others teach me about my value and worth.
Going to Philly with one of my amazing friends to dance and spend time together.
Driving to MI and back to DC with my roomie.
An old roomie/sister getting engaged.
Christmas.
Surviving 2011 officially when the ball dropped and it was 2012.

Some of these are obviously a little tongue and cheek, a few I am well aware make no sense unless you lived through those moments with me, and others are amusing, but completely true to how I feel.

26 was a really difficult year for me (as was 25), but I am incredibly hopeful about this year. I am amazed at the things God is teaching me already in this year, and I am so excited for what is to come (and filled with a little Holy trepidation if things continue to go the way they are currently).

Thank you to the friends and family:
That have stood by me, listened to me vent, ramble, cry, yell, laugh, and for the times you sat next to me in total silence because the were just no words. Thank you for the cooked foods, the movie nights, the galavanting around, the trips, and the memories we built this year. Thank you for sticking through the really difficult times, and for all the times you were more gracious than I deserved, and chose to love me despite my shortcomings and flaws. Thank you for your patience as I learned how to be patient. Thank you for your compassion as I learned what true compassion meant. Thank you for all the times you sought me out because I was unable to look beyond my own pain. Thank you for all of the hugs, dances, snuggles, running, goofing around, and for all the talking around the dinner table. Thank you for all of the phone conversations, for telling me when I was wrong, for listening to me when I needed to bounce my ideas and thoughts off of someone, and for praying for me whether I asked you to or not. Thank you for encouraging me more each day to draw closer to the Lord, and for all of the times you were on your knees on my behalf. Thank you for the unconditional love and forgiveness that I do not deserve, and for picking me up when I was unable to get up. Thank you for the faith you shared with me and for the confidence in our Savior when I was doubting. Thank you for sticking by me when it would have been much easier to walk away.

To my friends and family, I do not deserve you, but I simply cannot express how thankful and humbled I am that you are in my life. You show me Christ in new ways every day, and words simply cannot express how much each one of you mean to me. Thank you is not enough, but thank you is all I have.

Love My Life...

2012-01-27T18:15:00.001-05:00

I love my life!

Two save the dates, pictures from my two favorite 3 year olds, and notes from home!

Happy birthday weekend to me!

The Vow...

2012-01-26T22:51:00.000-05:00

Tonight I saw a pre-screening of the movie The Vow. I was very surprised by the movie for a few reasons.. first of which is because it is inspired by true events; so, while it seems initially that it will have all the classic elements of a typical chick flick with drama, but the perfect-man-wins-in-the-end-because-they-were-meant-to-be, it actually has more real elements, real emotions, and when all was said an done, a real picture of the couple at the end than is to be expected, and it turns out different than I was expecting (in a satisfying but not entirely predictable way).

I cannot give away too much of the movie, but I walked away inspired by true love (not the movie/hollywood/chick flick kind of love), but real, broken, hurting, confusing, and sometimes totally unfocused love. The main character (Channing Tatum) is not perfect, he loses his temper, walks away, and in one instances punches someone out.. but in other instances he forgets that his wife does not remember him at all and is just in love with his wife and nurturing towards her. The wife (Rachel McAdams) loses her memory in a car accident that is not their fault, and subsequently reverts back to who she was five years prior before several major events in her life, including marrying her husband. She does a great job of portraying the confusion, the personality differences, and the struggles someone in her place would be in... Including the torn emotions of what you remember, who you remember loving conflicting with the clear love and patience of someone who says they will love you always.

I strongly recommend the movie (a lot of girls cried, although I don't cry at movies, so that wasn't something I struggled with), not because it is a chick flick (although that helps) but because in the end you walk away satisfied... especially when you see a picture and are updated as to the real couple's life now.

One of the lines that struck me was when they got married (in flashbacks), part of the vows she wrote to him were "... And I promise to always make my home in your heart."

Two thoughts pertaining to that line...
How does that look if it is applied to Jesus making His home in our heart? And, do we make our home in His?
And, the commitment it takes to make something your home is daily in good times and bad, but even more so when it is someone's heart, that is a profoundly difficult statement. It is one that I think makes sense and speaks of dedication and purposeful and intentional love. That type of love seeks out the other one, it is patient, it is kind, it does not want what belongs to others, it does not brag it is not proud, it is not rude, it does not look out for its own interests, it does not easily become angry, it does not keep track of other people's wrongs, it is not happy with evil, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, it never gives up, and it never fails.

Running Cramps...

2012-01-25T23:23:00.000-05:00

Tonight I am tired. I am gross cause I had to write a paper before I could shower after working out. I am tired. I am excited about several things going on in my life, my new business, my new workout routine, my soon to be best shape of my life, and finally feeling like home here in DC... But, tonight I am just tired.

I went to the gym tonight (which greatly added to my overwhelming sense of tiredness currently), and, I was amazed at the complete and total suckage that was my run. I literally have not had a run go this poorly ever (I think.. maybe I am lying..), I did not even make it a mile before both sides cramped up, which is weird considering that for the almost month that I have been running 3-4 times a week I have not one time had my stomach muscles cramp... But, they sure made up for it tonight. Then, I struggled to focus and pray, I struggled to breathe, I struggled to not favor my left leg over my right (my right knee is worse so I tend to baby it without thinking)... basically, I. Just. Struggled. It was so bad that by the time I made it to mile two I was actively working to not panic due to my inability to breathe. My breathing was horrible! So much so in fact, that I actually could not breathe at all. Yet, I knew what was going on, I knew physically why I was struggling as much as I was (lack of appropriate amounts of water yesterday and today likely had something to do with it)... But, even more than that, I knew I was struggling beyond the physical because this was my first run after making a commitment to God to run my entire life as long as He meets me there in my run (or walk as the case may be sometimes...). I had to walk for more than a 1/4 mile before I was able to breathe deep enough to feel like I was getting the appropriate amount of oxygen in my system... Then, I kept running, and continued to struggle through to mile three, and just as I was about to quit and say three miles is enough (it was after all the distance I was supposed to run today), it all... stopped. The cramping in my side went away, the focus suddenly came, the favoring my left quit, and I was able to run... another mile.

So bizarre.

Consulting Business Colors...

2012-01-24T19:02:00.003-05:00

So, after a lot of discussion, a lot of creative playing and looking over paint colors, design colors, and the trending colors of 2012 I have finally decided on my new consulting business colors!

:)

The size differences in terms of main colors, complementary colors, and accent colors.

Running for Life...

2012-01-23T22:51:00.001-05:00

Tonight I ran once again, but this time it was different.

I have been working towards running a half marathon the first weekend in April (oye). Mind you, I am not a runner.. I do not particularly like running (ok, I actually kinda hate it), and I definitely would not choose it as my favored workout...

However, running IS a fantastic workout.. It works the appropriate stomach muscles to help me flatten my stomach (my most disliked area of my body), and while I have a lot of issues with my joints, if I wear a knee strap and work on strengthening my muscles with other workouts, I have found I CAN actually run... (Even if I do typically walk like an 85 year old man for a day or two afterwards!)

This time the run was different though, I typically listen to random music for the first couple miles, then begin praying and pray through the last mile of my run (I get that 3 miles is not that far, but it is for me), however tonight I listened to techno music without words and prayed the entire time.

I prayed for the things I am seeking, the things I desire for my life, I spilled out my desires and gave them up, the things I want more than other (insert list here) things in my life.. I prayed for salvation for a few friends, I prayed for struggles, I prayed for God to reveal Himself to various people in new ways, I prayed for the hearts and pains of others, I prayed for health, and jobs, and exhaustion for all different people I love in my life.. I prayed for wisdom, peace, patience, compassion, love, joy, understanding, knowledge, Truth.. I prayed for the various things on my 3x5 bathroom mirror cards... Basically, I prayed. For the longest, most focused and most sincere period of time than I have in quite a while...

*Pause and insert additional background information*

At my church we are mid 21 days of prayer. I love it. I love my church, I love what Jesus is doing, and I am loving this series. It is speaking to me, beckoning me to a deeper relationship and communication with my Lord and my Savior. I have been somewhat surprised that I do not feel at all like this is something else I "have" to do.. this is something that I must do because my very core is calling out for it. My favorite part is my pastor (Mark Batterson) keeps stressing that even if we have no idea what to say, it is perfect to ask the Lord to "teach me to pray." I have been uttering that phrase so many times over the last couple weeks.. I could go on and on (and will likely do so another time) about the things I am learning about prayer these last few weeks, however this last Sunday we heard a story about a woman who made a deal with God that if He would bless her husband's ministry, she would meet him at 9am every morning (she had several other things that were part of her deal with God as well, but this was the one that struck me).

So, I have been mulling over the idea of "making a deal" or committing to something with God. Not because I want to test Him, not because I want Him to prove something, and not because I am doubting Him or His ability to do certain things in my life... I wanted to make this commitment because I want to learn to pray through.. I want to experience my sweet savior in a new way. I want to experience a relationship and a solid faith unlike anything I have experienced before. I want to see God's faithfulness explode.

*Un-pause*

So, while I was running, I decided, this was perfect for me. I prayed and told God that I would run as long as I am able (meaning for my entire life), if He would meet me there. Meet me while I ran, and would create space for me to meet Him. Running is not my favorite thing ever, I (really) do not particularly care for it... But, it is good for me physically, and now it will be good for me mentally and spiritually as well. So, I will run for the rest of my life... until I am unable to run, and then I will walk... And, I will begin to make that a priority so my Lord can meet me there to speak to me and hear me.

I am full of a little trepidation, but mostly I am excited to see what He does with this time, this period committed to Him. I am excited to see how this changes my life purely by encountering Him new.

I am circling this prayer.

DC Weekend...

2012-01-22T22:02:00.000-05:00

I feel like this weekend was the epitome of a weekend in DC.. Or maybe, a classic weekend for me in DC.

I went out Friday night with a couple girlfriends to a new place we had never been to, which really is one of the best things about living in DC, there is always a place you have never been to that is great for trying new foods and drinks. We chatted, laughed.. at one point I even shushed the loud room cause I was having a difficult time talking over the crowd haha Then I went with my friend to see the new Underworld (good movie!)... Only to walk outside after the movie was over and discover snow.. and lots of it.

Now, I realize at this point it is three weeks into January, and we have had an incredibly mild winter so far (thank you Jesus.. really!), but regardless, I really hate snow. I hate driving in it (although I do now that I am an adult), I hate walking in it (it snows down your neck or gets your feet cold and wet)... although it is REALLY pretty while it is falling, I still hate the coldness of it. However, I am extremely thankful that I grew up in Michigan where snow and winter go together like peanut butter and jelly because I know how to drive in it. Which, Friday night was what made the difference between me making it up the hill or me having to push my car or get stuck... Thankfully I know how to drive in snow, and slid, slipped, and INCHED my way up a 40 foot hill (while FLOORING it and fishtailing).

Saturday I was able to sleep in (YESS!!), then have lunch with a friend that I have not been able to see in a while, catch up on life, and just enjoy each other's friendship... I then made my way into the city, parked my butt in a Starbucks (classic city passtime), read my bible and texted with my little sister killing time before my hair appointment...

Got my "hair did" haha and loove it :)

Then went BACK to Starbucks to meet up with and hang out with a friend. Once we both split from there, I met up with a couple friends and we went out dancing (not salsa sadly)... And, we ended up leaving with several very funny stories of guys trying to dance with us (sometimes repeatedly), and very sore feet (not from kicking anyone either haha).

Sundays are always my favorite though... Mainly because I love my church (I say it every week), but also because it is when I fill my randomness in.. work, school, laundry, napping, gym time, cooking, it's the day that I find easiest to actually let my mind process and work through things.

Tomorrow starts Backswanza!.. Aka my 27th birthday week, I am pretty excited (cause I love birthdays) and this year I am doing something different for my birthday... Please help me raise money for my Charity:Water campaign! I am trying to raise $2,727 to bring 27 families (137 people) clean drinking water!

Business Colors Round 2...

2012-01-20T16:40:00.004-05:00

Ok, so after a great amount of feedback (thank you!), here are some revised color schemes...

So, round two, please let me know your thoughts of these options... (or offer your own)

Business Color Schemes...

2012-01-19T23:09:00.002-05:00

Ok, so, I am in the process of choosing color schemes for my website and business (yes, I am aware that I have yet to name it.. That is coming with the logo ;)

I decided since I am looking to help others, it only makes sense to ask the opinion of others as well... I have my couple favorites, but please choose the one (or combination.. or make up your own) and let me know what you vote for. (These may or may not be the final one I choose.. these are just what I have been playing around with so far)

Thanks!

It Is Over...

2012-01-19T18:11:00.000-05:00

I find myself in a situation again that makes me want to respond like a typical girl, it seems like the most appropriate way to feel at the moment, hurt, frustrated... emotional. Yet, I realize that how I think I should be feeling right now is not actually what is going on at all inside...
What is even more amazing is the peace I feel despite the situation I am in.

Thankfully my innumerable prayers to protect my heart were answered, and even more thankfully the situation is the most void of drama and hurt I have ever encountered. And, even though there is always a slight feeling of being bummed, not because of the circumstances themselves... I am actually quite thankful for how it all happened, everything I went through, and learned (cause let me tell you.. it was a lot), but just bummed because it has occurred once again.

Yet, through it all, there is a peace. A letting go feeling of complete surrender that the situation, the circumstances, the feelings all are being handed over to my sweet savior, and I will never care to take the control of them again...

I had a feeling this situation was going to turn out this way, and still chose to walked through the door because I knew I was going to learn, I was going to grow, and I was going to see several things in a way I had not ever viewed them. Looking back, I would do it again for all of those reasons, and quite frankly because I felt a peace to walk through the door, which thankfully the peace has remained. I do not think I made any poor choices nor did I make a mistake.

So, it is over, but only because one thing has to end in order for the next to start. Whatever is next, it is in God's hands.

For My Birthday...

2012-01-18T16:44:00.001-05:00

I will be turning 27 on January 29th.

I am excited because I love birthdays. I love celebrating other people's birthdays, I love celebrating my own. I really just love having a legitimate reason to celebrate someone I care about. In my family we are the Backs (and I have cousin's that are the Butts.. we know.. it's funny, and we love it), during the week of our birthday, it becomes "Backswanza" (Or Buttswanza.. they maybe have started the name.. I'm not sure) meaning, we do something each day.. something small.. like Pizza and a movie.. cake and ice cream, presents.. flowers.. etc.. I LOVE IT. In fact, I love it so much that I have began adopting (winning or forcing maybe) my friends into this tradition haha!

However, this year I am pulling and audible!.. I am changing the game plan.

Since I am turning 27 (I know, nothing really significant, but it is to me :), instead of getting anything for my birthday I want to raise $2,727 for Charity: Water. 100% of the money you donate goes to help build clean water wells to those around the world.

It. Is. Awesome!

To break it down,
I need 101 people to donate $27 each...
Or, I need 202 people to donate $13.50 each!

What would my goal of $2,727 do?

It would give clean water to 136 people.
27 families would get clean water! (noticing a theme?)

So, please join me, wish me a happy birthday, and donate to my personal Charity: Water project for my birthday!

Thank you so much :)

The Business...

2012-01-17T15:51:00.000-05:00

I have gone and done it now!...

I finally decided on a name for my business.. and now I have applied for and gotten the paper work I need to move forward! So, what am I doing?.. Consulting. Sorta. Let me walk through it a bit...

I love talking to and helping new and small businesses. I really enjoy talking to business owners and hearing about the things they are doing, that they are passionate about, and the various aspects of their livelihood. However, more than that, I love helping them. The idea that a person can start a business and make it successful or know everything they need in order to make a profit is just silly.. Especially when it comes to marketing, advertising, communications, social media, and even sometimes basic business things. Yet, at the same time, more often than not they just cannot afford to hire people to fill these roles, and subsequently they end up wasting a whole lot of time and money trying to make their business succeed...

aka... They work longer and harder instead of smarter.

So, the business I am starting is a consulting business.. but a little bit more intricate and involved than that. There are three components essentially, but there is established flexibility to accommodate anyone.

The first component is the business that needs help.. I want to get to know them, get a feel for their company, their goals, products, services, mission, values, market, culture.. all of it. I want to start with getting a real feel for who they are and what they are doing. Once I feel I have done that, I will be able to start putting together suggestions and priorities for them.. Whether that is a marketing plan, a business plan, a photographer, web designer, graphic designer etc.. But, because I will be working with new or small businesses the key will be their budget and me figuring out a way to fit what they need within their budget... Which means it will likely turn into a monthly plan of what priorities should get done with the budget they have for each month. The thing that I would actually like to do at this stage is be as involved as I can in this process, including the executing portion.. For two reasons... The first being, just handing someone a plan to follow is fine, but the chances of it getting done and getting done well are slim. And second, while I can give them all the coaching possible on how to do this, it is not what they went to school for, nor are passionate and excited about. So, I will be as involved or uninvolved as they would like me to be... Or that they can afford.

The Second component actually is to include the network of business contacts and friends I have or will make in my life. You see, I know hundreds of people across the country (and some around the world) that have amazing talents, education, skills, passions etc.. And, a lot of them are running their own small businesses.. Some in photography, graphic design, web design, copy writing, videography, accounting, consulting etc.. My goal will be to create a network with these friends and colleagues, get the best possible deals from them that I can, and then use them to provide the services the original client needs. However, the cool thing with this will be that the client will be able to choose the ones that match their style instead of just choosing from one that may not be a perfect fit for their style or business. Then, what will be happening in this stage is that the businesses of my friends and colleagues will be gaining additional business (and while it will be at a reduced price, it will still be business), so I will be able to help them as well.

The third and final component is that I will create a list of recommended charities, and the first 10% of the income (not profit) will go to the charity of the original business' choice. They can certainly choose their own charity if they have one they support or like in particular, but I will also work to create my own list of recommended charities that they can choose from. So, while the money will be donated by my business, it will be in honor of the business I am consulting for.

You see, my goal is not really to get rich so much as, this is a way for me to do what I love.. I will be able to grow as I am able (especially seeing as I have a full time job and have a year left of my double masters program), but I will be able to eventually grow this into whatever I want or am able, from anywhere in the world, AND I will be able to do what I love.. helping others succeed. I will be able to help them attain their goals and passions instead of struggle with things they know little about or cannot afford full time. Plus, it will be fantastic experience for me!

More to come as I begin to put all of the pieces together!

Great Weekend...

2012-01-16T18:30:00.002-05:00

I am so amazed sometimes at how God works.. and even more so the people he chooses.

I had an absolutely fantastic weekend, I got to catch up with old college friends that I have not seen in years, and we played the "remember when... remember who..." game for hours about various things from college. It was so much fun, and hysterical just remembering things that we did or went through. Plus, I got babyfied. They have an adorable 3 year old little girl and twin 6 month old baby girl and boy. I got to hold, kiss, hug, feed, cuddle, get spit and slobbered on, and laugh at them all.. It was wonderful :)

I had a lot of great conversation throughout the weekend, and I was absolutely exhausted when I climbed into bed last night.. which lead to the FIRST good night sleep (even though it was only 8 1/2-9 hours) that I have had in about two months. I finally woke up rested.. Thank you Jesus.

I also was able to have a couple conversations about where things are, where they are going, and really begin to figure things out. No real answers were reached yet, however things are further along, and I have a real peace about where things are, no matter where they go in the future. My God can do anything, and I know that He will (and I have been praying for Him to) work things out to glorify Himself and that His will be done, not my own. Thankfully the more I pray about it the more content and at peace I am... Although, there is always the Krista side that inclines me to want to know the end instantly, but as it stands right now I am content to let things play out however they need to, and my prayer is that God helps me to see what He is doing, and that I am able to walk in a manner that is worthy of the Lord (Col. 1:10).

What a great weekend.

Prayer Over Me...

2012-01-12T16:42:00.000-05:00

Today is day 3 of the 21 days of prayer that my church is doing as part of the Circle Maker series.. which is also a book that my head pastor Mark Batterson wrote.

I fasted on Tuesday.
Wednesday I avoided music while I drove.

Today, it dawned on me how many people have told me recently that they are praying for me.. Either because they felt compelled for no reason at all, read something I wrote on my blog, saw something I said on Facebook or Twitter or because of a conversation I had with them personally.

What amazes me, and really truly humbles me to my very core is HOW MANY of them there are..

I am so incredibly thankful for each prayer.
I am so humbled by the pure love expressed in each prayer.
I am so amazed at the sheer number of people sending petitions to my savior without any idea why.
I am so undeserving of the amount of time people are spending on my behalf.
I am so completely blind, but completely excited to see what God is doing through all of this.
I am so grateful for the true friends and family that have taken me before the Lord.

I am so loved.

Last Sunday while my pastor was talking about the 21 days of prayer, he mentioned that so many times we just have no idea what to pray, but that sometimes we just need to start with “Lord, teach us to pray..." (Luke 11:1b).. Somewhere in there I realized this year is going to be a lot of me praying. I have no idea why or what for yet, but what I do know is there will be a whole heck of a lot of talking to my sweet savior this year...

The idea that this year is going to be a lot about prayer was solidified when three separate friends e-mailed me last night and today, and each of them said they had been praying for me. One because she felt compelled, another because we had a conversation, and still another because she said she loves me.

That is when it dawned on me that something is up this year.

"Lord, teach me to pray..."

Giving...

2012-01-11T22:57:00.000-05:00

A couple of times a week on my way home from work, I end up talking with my mom. We talk about our day, the last few days, things we have been thinking about, things we are praying about, and a whole lot of things that only moms would understand. I love and cherish these conversations with my mom because they are such special moments we share just us..

Anyway, we were talking tonight and I was updating her on conversations, things I found funny, and I was telling her about hanging out with the boy, things that we have talked about, and several things that I am learning and praying about regarding everything going on in my life right now. Part way through the conversation she commented on the story I was telling her saying that it seemed like a good thing because he did not seem as needy as past relationships I have had. She then went on to explain that I tend to operate from a place of giving... I give my time.. my energy.. my money.. my things.. my emotions.. I tend to just give, and I do not really have a shut off or a filter for when I need to stop or when I can no longer handle it anymore. She explained that there have been instances when it seems like the person I am helping literally just drains me and does not give back...

What I found particularly surprising in how she was explaining it was the way in which she clearly communicated a love for how giving I am, a hint of worry because of my lack of ability to just shut it off... Yet, mixed in equally with the other two was almost an admiration in her words for the fact that I operate my life with the understanding that if I CAN do something to help someone else.. why wouldn't I?...

One of the things she mentioned (and what seems to be a totally logical approach to me), is her observation that I will respond the same to people who I barely know as I would to someone I love deeply.

I find myself really intrigued at the view my mom has of me.. Partially because I know she is right, and because there is so much love in the way she talks and worries about me (even though I'm about to turn 27 :), but also because I really had never thought of the fact that I do not really have an off switch in this area of my life. Sometimes I do, in a case by case basis, but I never say no over mild inconveniences...

After we talked, I began thinking about the ways in which this trait (whether learned, cultivated, or born in me) is and has been a good thing, but also how there have definitely been so many instances where it was really not a good thing. How in past relationships (friendships or otherwise) I literally just poured into them, sacrificing things I liked, needed or wanted in order to help them or "make the relationship work".. all the while, literally just emptying myself.. Sometimes to the point of breakdown or worse. More often than not, I view things in light of "would this help or benefit them (whoever them is), and is there a sound reason NOT to?" If the answer is "yes, no" then typically I will do it.. Drive hours, spend time or money, go out of my way, lose sleep, work extra etc...

However, there is definitely a couple ways that I can see how this has turned into maybe a not so good thing for me.. Namely that I really struggle letting others help ME.. Sounds bizarre, but I honestly do not know how to handle it well, and really have to work at letting other help me... and more importantly asking others to help. There are some people that I have slowly accepted into the category of ok to ask for help, some I am really working on, and others I have no cognitive understanding of what it would look like to let them help me...

Don't I seem like such a "good person"?...haha.. *gag*... That is not at all where I am going with this thought, and certainly not what my heart is contemplating regarding this whole thing...

Truly I am intrigued by the perspective my mom has, I am even more so intrigued because of how it applies to the story I was telling her, and how much I struggle with letting people help me... including, and maybe especially so the boy. I cannot even begin to fake being able to do everything alone, that idea is completely ridiculous, and I would be doomed to fail. I also know that I really need to work at letting others help me, and being (appropriately) vulnerable.. Sometimes (ok maybe a lot of the time) I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the reason someone else (especially the boy) would go so out of their way for me.. I mean, if I detached myself and looked at the situation or if someone else was explaining this to me, I would laugh and tell them how ridiculous it was, that of course they are loved and letting others help them is a wonderful thing.. Yet, applying it to myself takes on a whole different light.

How do I help others and be selfless without turning into a fortress all unto my own?... I haven't a clue. How do I do these things without also turning into a self-centered person?.. I don't know.

So, those are a few of my thoughts for this evening...

21 Days of Prayer...

2012-01-10T09:19:00.004-05:00

Today my church is starting 21 Days of Prayer. I am so excited and whole heartedly jumping into this because I feel compelled to be a part of this. I feel as though this is a game changer for me, and I feel like I am starting something new with these next 21 days.

Here is a small excerpt from my pastor's blog (Mark Batterson),

"David set the standard in Psalm 5:3:

In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning, I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

One of the reasons why many people don’t feel intimacy with God is because they don’t have a daily rhythm with God. They have a weekly rhythm. If all you have with God is a weekly touchpoint called church, you’ll lose touch with God. Would that work with your spouse or your kids? It doesn’t work in God’s family either. We need to establish a daily rhythm in order to have a daily relationship with God. The best way to do that is to begin the day in prayer.

Is it always easy? No. That’s why I love the determination in David’s voice: In the morning, O Lord, you will hear my voice. That’s what it takes doesn’t it? It’s hard to get up early, but that is what makes praying hard so hard. Setting your alarm is a stewardship issue! David was determined to circle his day in prayer. I don’t know if he prayed through his calendar or wrote down his requests in a prayer journal. But I know that he prayed with specificity and consistency. And that is what drawing prayer circles is all about.

This is the day the Lord has made! Circle it.

To sign up for the 21-Day Prayer Challenge, go here.

You can purchase individual copies of The Circle Maker on amazon.com. For free resources and bulk discounts, go to www.thecirclemaker.com."

Today, I start the 21 Days of Prayer with fasting and just asking God what His plans are, where my focus should be, and to burden my heart with the things that burden His. I want Him to teach me His ways, to show me where He is guiding me, and where He is asking me to rest and wait on Him.

Should be an interesting and way exciting 21 days.

Unexpected Growth...

2012-01-09T16:36:00.000-05:00

How do you respond when you are having a conversation with someone you care about, and it is a topic that makes you uncomfortable and feel vulnerable?... I ramble.. I make significantly less eye contact.. and sometimes I get flush in the face. It is lovely (please note the sarcasm).

However, I had one of these types of conversations last night, and it was interesting to say the least. The overall conversation was really good, it did not go at all how I thought it would (which typically is a good thing), and the response to what I was bringing up and talking about was not at all what I was expecting (also a good thing). I typically try to prepare the person I am talking to in advance, letting them know that I need them to understand what I mean instead of necessarily hearing what I am saying, and then I usually apologize for the massive amounts of rambling that is about to take place as I try to muddle my way through the emotional thoughts that are about to fall out randomly...

What is interesting to me though is how God is using these types of conversations to grow me in ways I have yet to experience and in ways I was not at all expecting.

One of the most bizarre things that took place during the conversation last night was I literally felt my head and heart trying to wrap my mind around what I was hearing.. I knew I was hearing truth, I knew that the response to my emotional ramblings was authentic, but most of all, I knew that the value being communicated while coming from this person, was actually a sweet whisper slowly expanding in my heart from my wonderful creator reminding me that I am treasured... While the voice came from the incredibly sweet and thoughtful person sitting next to me on the couch, the words were entirely that of my Lord... And, I eloquently responded internally with what was the equivalent of stuttering, "uh..uh.. uh.. w..w..what?" You see, I had no issues understanding cognitively what was being said to me, but what I struggled believing was that the truth in the words applied to me, to every part of who I am, and that my value has little to nothing to do with me at all, has nothing to do with my actions, my past, my successes or my failures.

My value and worth comes from my Lord.

I am always amazed and so incredibly thankful for the people that God uses to speak to me in new and special ways. I love how each person fills a specific role, has a unique place in my life, and how so many people can say the exact same thing.. but somehow when a certain person says it, the meaning and impact take on a completely different meaning and light. What I love even more is when the person is clueless as to the profound impact they have made on me. I get so amused when I try to communicated and explain what has happened and how God has used them, I get this sweet smile, but a completely unknowing and not understanding smile in response.

My God is awesome, and I love how He never ceases to amaze.

The Circle Maker...

2012-01-08T21:18:00.000-05:00

I say this pretty much every Sunday, I love my church. This week we started The Circle Maker series, and I am so pumped!

While there is nothing particularly special about the building(s) and nothing different about the people, what is special is that God moves because the leaders are humble, seek His face, and because the followers seek, listen, and learn. I have said on several occasions that the thing that speaks to me the most is the humility people exhibit.. But, this Sunday, the thing that spoke to me the most was the boldness.. Not to be confused with arrogance, dictation or any sort of demanding... But, pure boldness.

Mark Batterson's latest book is called The Circle Maker. To sum up the book in way too little amount of detail, the book is about prayer. But, it is the fact that it is not just about prayer that excites me, motivates me, encourages me, it is because it does it in a way that does not make me feel burdened or like I am being obligated to yet another thing that I should be doing but am currently failing at. The book is about inspiring.. not coercing.

My roomie and I began reading The Circle Maker while we were driving back to DC after Christmas (really she read to me while I drove).. And, there is always something that flares inside of me when I read about the boldness of others and the way they live their lives for Christ. Even if the story I am hearing is hundreds (or possibly thousands) of years old, I cannot help but feel inspired. I love these stories because I do not posses the strength, boldness or faith to do the same things, and I know it... But, I always love the feeling I get inside of me when I hear about someone else choosing to be bold, and then God ANSWERING their boldness! I am always amazed at how some people have the ability to speak things into existence with their prayers, and I am always inspired because they posses the most humility of anyone I have ever met (or heard of etc..). I want to be like them.

It is no surprise to anyone who knows me that I am naturally fairly bold and direct in the way I operate or communicate. Although, sometimes my boldness or the directness of my approach is just way too much, and other times it is the completely wrong choice of words or timing, but either way, I prefer straight forward. I admire people who can tote the line of direct, bold, and maintain the understanding that it is all out of genuine love and humility. I hope and pray all the time that God gives me the wisdom and understanding to be proficient at this as I get older.

All this to say, I am really excited about this new series, and finishing reading this book :)

January Ramblings...

2012-01-07T15:25:00.000-05:00

What a week it has been.. Sometimes I am just thankful to have made it through the week, and this week is definitely one of those weeks!

I am SO sore because I literally ran off the stress and anxiety this week with four separate days of running a 5k each time, three core work outs, thee shoulder work outs, and a kicking session. I have no idea how I am still walking right now.

My sleeping pattern continues to be absurd. For roughly six weeks (maybe a little more) I have been sleeping bizarrely. However, since just before Christmas my pattern is to sleep for about an hour (maybe two), then be awake for 30min-an hour.. Or to wake up every hour for a few minutes... I have no idea what is going on with my used to be able to sleep 10-12 hours straight... One day I know it will return to me.. Until then, I pray a lot at night now...

This song has been my favorite song for the last week or so..

Mounting Attacks...

2012-01-05T22:28:00.001-05:00

I do not know why, but sometimes I am completely blown away by the force at which I end up struggling with things.. I am unsure why I do not see it coming more that Satan is mounting an attack, but let me tell you, sometimes I am just totally blindsided.

Today was one of those days.

Looking back on yesterday, I should have known it was coming, I spent a great deal of time praying yesterday, and was feeling particularly antsy and like I just could not rest... yet somehow I missed the signs that a full onslaught of struggling was coming.

Today, I was taken by surprise. I hate getting taken by surprise in this way, I hate that I barely slept, and certainly did not sleep well enough to be able to recognize what was happening. So, instead I spent hours today struggling with some pretty intense fear and anxiety. It was so much so that I literally could not put accurate words to it for hours.. and even after the majority of the attack was over I felt physically exhausted, but still completely jittery.

So, I talked with a few friends, ran my third 5k of the week, and proceeded to have my third core worked out of the week... I am going to be hurting tomorrow.. But, thankfully right now the gym time is working off the extra energy I cannot seem to control, clearing my mind of the fog, and giving me a distinct chance to pray (which seems to naturally be taking its place the last mile of my run).

Thankfully the full onslaught of whatever was going on earlier has been replaced by calm seas once more. I have no idea how people get through days like today without Christ...

I am so glad tomorrow is a new day.

Nice Guys...

2012-01-04T14:41:00.001-05:00

"Nice guys finish last."

I cannot count how many times I have heard this saying.. sometimes in exasperation from guys or sometimes as a nonchalant (or maybe jaded or calloused) comment from girls. However, what I do know is the saying has always bothered me, and I always feel the need to defend it with the "no way, that's not true!.." Yet, I always end up feeling defeated with very limited number of examples because I know regardless of what I know to be true, this is a feeling had by a lot of guys (and girls.. "Where are all the good guys?!"... While always choosing the wrong guys.. and I am guilty of this too...).

What is interesting is I know I will "end up" with a nice guy... not meaning the plain, boring, or pushover type of nice guy, but the kind that treats me better than I expect or deserve... Haha There just simply is no chance of me ending up with a boring or plain man. How do I know this? Because I know what is good for me, and the typical "bad guy" that I know has drawn me on several occasions has more to do with the strength of his personality, and the fact that usually those are the types of guys that are straight forward and view me as a challenge... But, that is never the type that will keep me for very long. So, while I hate to admit this, I understand that the typical "nice guy" often will feel like he finishes last because of being less likely to step into the unknown and risk getting hurt to pursue (I am sorry), but in reality, he will not feel that way when he finds his girl.

So, let me take a moment to say, nice guys, please pursue. Risk the pain and pursue us, be patient, be tender, be sweet, and show us we are worth anything... but for the love!!.. pursue us, do not wait for us to notice you, throw you a sign, or initiate. We are waiting for you to notice us, to show us we are important, and to prove to use that our insecurities are unfounded. I am not saying there is any sort of magical recipe for finding love, a girl, or avoiding heartache.. There is most certainly risk involved, and sometimes you will not be able to avoid the turn downs or heartache..

But, please.. please do not stop pursuing and risking for us.

From my experience, I am used to guys showing interest that realistically are not good matches or fits for me (or me for them) because of one reason or a dozen others, but what I have begun to realize over the last little while is that my relationships with them has actually left me extremely broken and insecure on the inside, which rarely comes out in any significant or visible way unless you add a guy into my life, then I throw all my energy into hiding the insecurities and trying to seem composed, put together, and not at all emotional. Sometimes, others can see the ways in which I am damaged and broken, although really you have to look for it (or know what you are seeing) to find it.

However, recently, I have found myself in a situation where a genuinely nice guy is pursuing me.. (and not at all plain, boring or predictable either!) He came out of nowhere (that I could see), and has been a sweet surprise. I am amazed constantly by how tender, caring, honest, and communicative this nice guy is... Not to mention (tall) funny (and tall), and incredibly smart (did I mention tall? haha). We are taking things very slowly, just sort of seeing how this unfolds. He and I both realize there are a lot of challenges ahead, so we are just taking it a little bit at a time and seeing where things go. What has been interesting for me throughout all of this though is how completely and totally sweet and caring he (this nice guy) is, and how much I am completely out of practice, not at all used to, and fairly uncomfortable letting someone else take care of me or go out of their way for me (How can anyone be bad at letting others care for them?!.. I dunno but I would get a gold star...). Thankfully, he is incredibly patient and does not get bent out of shape when I (sometimes) inadvertently fight back on things he wants to do to show I am important or ways he wants to take care of me. In return, I have been working incredibly hard at not even attempting to try to control or manipulate anything in order to make myself more comfortable in this situation I find myself in unexpectedly...

Let me clue you in on some of the internal workings of what is going on with me right now... I am very uncomfortable with, and really have no idea how to handle actually letting someone take care of me without then letting me do something in return or to "balance" things out again. I really like all the small things, and they make me feel incredibly special, but the reality is I have no idea how to respond or how to handle it.. so instead, I just get really awkward (or feel awkward inside haha). I purposefully try to take the focus off of me by asking questions or rambling about nothingness.. Usually in a failed attempt to keep him from seeing what I am thinking or how uncomfortable I feel that he is showing me that I am important. What is interesting for me is that in the midst of all of these conflicting emotions that I deep down I feel cared for in a way that I have never experienced before, which in turn only makes my awkwardness worse (who am I right now?!) haha However, what is the really interesting thing about all of this is how the intense uncomfortable feeling is something that I realize has nothing to do with anything him or his actions, but is purely my own insecurities... and maybe partially because I am a huge fan of practicality (...I am realizing practicality does not, nor do I realistically want it to play a role in how these types of things end up working out).

While I have no idea what is to come, and he and I are both uncertain about the future at this point (can anyone be certain of the future?), I am extremely thankful for getting the chance to experience something new, in a genuine, honest, and caring (and kinda new and exciting) way. I am also finding that I am spending a lot of time praying myself through my fears and insecurities and uttering "your will not mine" in my prayers more than I can remember... I also have found that I have a very welcome but bizarre feeling of peace, not because I feel an inclination in terms of direction, certainty or safety, but because I know that God is actually working things out.. And, in the end, regardless of what this will all end up looking like, I will be so incredibly thankful for all of it, and I will have learned so much.

My View, Proverbs 31 Woman...

2012-01-03T16:28:00.002-05:00

I first was introduced (or remember being introduced) to the "Proverbs 31 woman" in college. A group of men created a band of brothers that was really inspiring, so a group of us girls got together and focused on the Proverbs 31 woman..

If you have not read it recently (or ever), here it is, Proverbs 31:10-31:

"An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
“Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all.”
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates."

I have heard a lot of things about these verses.. Ranging from "who has time to be that kind of woman/wife" to "every woman should always strive for these things.." even, "These just make me tired thinking about it.." ... and, I have heard men and woman alike comment one these verses, some of the comments inspiring, others just make me want to break someone's nose...

So, what do I think about this passage of scriptire? Well.. it certainly can seem daunting at times, I mean this woman I swear (can you swear about Bible things?) is the cream of the crop, and is a superhero! On days that I am particularly distant in my discussions with the Lord, I am absolutely the furthest from resembling this woman. Some days I think this woman is absolutely the most inspiring thing I have ever read... and then other days I do not even understand what I am reading. How would I possibly MAKE linen garments and sell them anyway!?.. haha..

But, the more I think about this passage the more I realize I (just myself.. because it is totally unfair to speak for any other woman) do actually strive to be this woman. Even though I am still single, so I am not bringing my husband any honor or glory, I am certainly bringing those same things to my sweet savior, and preparing for (possibly) being married later.

So, here are a few of the sections of this passage that really jump out to me...

For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.

I love that immediately her worth is vast beyond any solid tangible precious jewel.. And that immediately after that it is pointed out that her husband trusts in her, and that because of that it is a good thing.. that every day of her life (not married life... but life as a whole) she will not do him evil (that means working at it now and cultivating the characteristics and wisdom now.. not just later after marriage).

She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong.

This is my kind of woman.. and one that I hope I will always be. I want to be financially able.. I want to work to help my entire life.. whether that means bringing home an income or merely planting a vineyard (haha.. I wouldn't have any idea what that means...).. But, what I love most about this part is that she is able, she is not weak..

She extends her hand to the poor, and she stretches out her hands to the needy.

I want to always be this way.. Love and compassion I want to exude from me at all times.. (gosh I have so much to learn and so far to grow)

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.

I really.. really like this verse, and it rings a bell deep within me to want to bring respect to my husband (or right now to God) because of the way I conduct myself... I think this is a really cool and affectionate verse because it has little to do with him except for that she belongs to him, and he is hers.

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

I want this to be descriptors of me, all the days of my life... (I have a lot of work to do, but in an inspiring way, not a depressing way)

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

Love this, and I hope this will be how I am described at the end of my life.

So, I really do not think the Proverbs 31 woman passage is overwhelming.. I think it serves as a good constant challenge and reminder about who I am and who I am becoming.

I also think it is imperative.. and probably impossible to do without Christ in my life, which means that every day I get a do-over.

Ringing in 2012...

2012-01-01T15:06:00.001-05:00

I went out with several friends for New Years Eve, we had.. a lot of interesting things happen, including almost getting hit by a drunk driver that was trying to outrun us.. or run into us... while driving without a tire and spraying sparks and flames... Praise the Lord that the cars that had a green light didn't go so I could run the red light (after already stopping) when I realized he was going to rear end me going 50mph... Whoa.

Anyway, here are a few pictures from the evening.. lots of fun and laughter!

This is a dear friend I have been able to reconnect with a couple months ago. Which is awesome!

My fantastic friends who made the trek up to DC to ring in the new year with me!

Haha.. we became friends being in a wedding of a mutual friend.. and we dance TOTALLY ridiculous at the reception, it had been a while since we had the chance to have a ridiculousness dance session.. so we had to take the opportunity to interpretive dance to the music haha

On the train on the way home, we discovered we both are complete cheesers when we smile for pictures.. So, we had to take a few to laugh at.

Such a fun evening with friends, even with a few minor mishaps...

Happy New Year!

Nice to Meet You 2012...

2011-12-31T20:08:00.000-05:00

So, while I have always said I do not typically make new years resolutions (if you need a resolution.. do it now.. today.. don't wait for a fake time to start one), last year I had a couple, that I am proud to say I accomplished! I wanted to blog more (check!) and I wanted to get in better shape.. (double check!)

Typically I have feelings about the year to come.. a lot of hopes.. but often times my feelings are fairly accurate about what is to come. Now, I do not mean specifics or situations.. I literally mean feelings. What is interesting to me is I do not have ANY real feelings or direction for 2012.. Other than it being pretty apparent this next year is going to be... different than what I have been experiencing lately (last couple years), I realistically have no idea what to expect from the next year. You see, it is not that I feel like God has me in a fog so I CANNOT see what is coming... but, much more that God literally is just asking me to be in the here and now... and take things as they come.

Which leads me to my New Years Resolutions... I would like to continue the 2011 resolutions.. get/stay in shape, and blog as many days a week as I can. It is really nice to have this running history, especially since I have now been blogging for several years.

Ok, so, this year I want to really focus on being in the here and now.. I do not want to worry about tomorrow nor borrow tomorrow's trouble today (yup, I said the same thing two different ways..).

I want to exercise more compassion, grace, mercy, and love than I have in years past.

I want to diligently complete the next year of my double masters program, which will mean I will have one or two classes left at the end of 2012.

I want to work better at controlling my mouth.

And, I want to draw closer to my sweet savior Jesus Christ, and I want to learn more about who He is, and subsequently who I am supposed to be... I want to learn how to love people on behalf of him better this year... 2011 was a year that caused me to struggle with this more than I am ok with, I want 2012 to be better.

So, those are my "New Years Resolutions"... Not your typical resolutions, but that is sorta how I roll... Now to pray them into existence!

Something New...

2011-12-30T17:50:00.002-05:00

I have had an interesting few weeks, I have been experiencing and walking through, and into some new situations and feelings, and it has brought on some new thoughts and revelations about myself.

Typically, I am a very confident and self assured person. I know who I am and what I believe in when it comes to most any area of myself or my life. However, there are a few circumstances (ok maybe just one) where I begin to allow doubts to creep in.. in fact, it is less that I allow it and more that the devil and I have our own special code for what I should feel or think.. or in reality doubt about myself. I have found myself in that situation again recently, but this time it has caused different reactions or responses than what I have experienced in the past. For example, while all the emotions are still there, the freak outs are very minimal because I have very little guessing to do which keeps my mind from running away like a crazy person... I am finding that I am getting the chance to process through things before I need to react, and thankfully, I have begun to realize where some of my emotions or fears have come from.. which allows me the chance to work through them instead of merely ignore them, only to then have to deal with them at a later inconvenient date.

I have had a few revelations.. or things told to me recently, some of which I know, but often forget, and others I have simply not every considered before. For example, it was brought to my attention that I am of "amazing" character, morals, convictions, care, and love.. (aww thank you) and then it was pointed out that this person thinks part of the reason I am still single has more to do with how intimidating my stance on me not having sex before marriage is to the guys who pursue me... It was an interesting thought that I had never really considered before.. Not that it changes anything, but is just something I had never thought of... Thankfully the person who told me also affirmed their respect and admiration for my position on it, which meant I was not confused about their position or reason for telling me...

I also have realized lately how much I am used to taking care of myself.. I mean, I know that being single sort of brings with it a level of self-centeredness and independence (neither of which are necessarily bad things, but more just a byproduct of not having to run things by someone else). In the process of realizing my natural tendency towards taking care of myself, I realized how much of a struggle.. and I mean legitimate struggle it is for me to let someone else take care of me.. I almost view it as my responsibility to take care of others, not let them take care of me... That's been an interesting thing to learn, and try and walk through.. Graciously.

In addition, I have begun to really process through some of my fears and some of the things that have happened to me in the past. Ways I have been hurt, ways I made poor decisions that lead to additional pain, and ways that I had no idea situations affected me until I had an emotional reaction about them later. It is incredibly interesting to discover things about yourself that you just had no idea existed until the emotions take over.. it is very humbling and difficult to acknowledge.

What I do know at this point is there are new things in my life that are good things, but not easy things that will prove to force me to grow in ways I have never had to before. Should be interesting...

Christmas 2011...

2011-12-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

Christmas at home was wonderful.. I got to snuggle with my three favorite midget people.. I got sooo many hugs, laughed so much, and got to have some really great conversations with so many people I love about topics I am passionate about.

So, here are a few highlights from my Christmas time at home 2011 style...

Three little munchkin faces light up my life unlike anything else in the entire world.

My sister and I had a FANTASTIC talk about God, Africa, our worldviews, what does it look like or mean to judge others, and how loving others as a way of life affects everything and is really challenging.. It was a fantastic conversation :)

I got to talk with my mom and sister about life.. just things going on, what I am thinking, things that I working through or struggling with.. Loved it.

I got to see a dear beautiful friend and my cousin and we had the chance to talk for hours over coffee (or hot chocolate) about relationships, the good, the bad, the ugly... and the confusing...

We played a hysterical game of pictionary/telephone (Scribblish) and we all just laughed at each other and the ridiculousness that people would interpret or draw... It was a lot of fun.

I loved getting the chance to talk with my mom, brother, sister in law, and sister about things that our family has been through and hearing each of our perspectives on any given situation. It was really neat to hear about the different things.. Especially since I spent most of that conversation with my niece cuddled in my lap.

We watched several moves (all of which I have seen before) but I got to cuddle with my sister and make comments throughout the movies... While my youngest nephew would come, bring his dart gun, and "fix it" so he could go shoot someone over.. and over.. and over..

At the Christmas Eve get together I got to talk and give special undivided (ok mostly undivided) attention to each family member that I really do not get to see much.

I got to spend most of one of the days with my absolute longest friend in the entire world to celebrate her birthday, and we just had fun talking and catching up.

And then, of course, there is the epic family Christmas present opening marathon that my family loves so much.

It was a great break, it was so nice to be home and see everyone. Love. My. Family.

Hello, Good-Bye 2011...

2011-12-22T10:24:00.000-05:00

I really love keeping a blog, I enjoy the outlet it gives me to speak my mind, the comfort it offers in getting out the thoughts that are both dear to my heart or frivolously in my head. I made a serious concerted effort this year to blog 4-6 days a week, and for the most part, I am surprised to say I have kept that up.. Not perfectly, and sometimes only because I almost always have my phone in tow and shared pictures of my travels throughout the summer.

However, I have two favorite posts that I have posted annually, the first one looks back on the year and the second one looks forward at the next year. In preparation to write this year's 2011 review I went back and looked at the 2010 look back, and the 2011 look forward. These two blogs really serve as a perfect little reminder of where I am and where I want to be going... Plus, it allows me the chance to update on the goals I had for this year. Christmas just always proves to be one of the best and most memorable times to review and take an internal check so that I can then move forward next year.

So, as always, this year in review will likely be a fairly long post, and while I almost never review the year the same as I have in the past, it remains my favorite post to make each year.

January

The year started off surrounded by so many wonderful people in my fairly new house. Two of my best friends got engaged (to each other) seconds after the 2011 ball dropped, which commenced all of us into seven months of wedding planning and excitement (more on their wedding later).

We got our fifth and final roomie (for a while), and we welcomed into our lives a wonderful and incredibly broken person. Another roomie and I began having serious issues, and as much as I tried, I could not seem to communicate in a manner that helped either one of us... And, eventually the relationship sadly dwindled into co-existence at best.

I began another difficult class in my double masters program, and proceeded to sit on the couch for hours every night having near melt downs trying to understand finance...

My very best friend in the whole world got married in Georgia, and I was so thrilled and honored to stand up in her wedding with eight other beautiful girls and nine great guys. It was a fantastic trip down, and a great celebration!

I joined a gym, and ended up signing up for what turned into five months of personal training sessions twice a week. I looked forward to and loved these couple hours a week because the trainer was a great match to my skill, passion for martial arts, humor, and he improved my body in ways I was unsure could happen... Well worth the money for the time period I was in and how I was feeling.

My birthday... dun. dun. dun. Was actually amazing this year. (whew!) I have had so many issues with my birthday over the years that this year I was just too scared to hope for anything good, and just decided I wanted one thing. For one of my best friends to come and stay the weekend with me. She surprised me (by showing up late.. haha) with two more girl friends that I love to death sitting on my couch when I got home from dinner.. Which, because of the stress level I was under, I began to tear up just seeing and hugging them.. I then turned around to another friend creeping across the living room, which of course sent me into more tears being just so excited that he too was there... THEN, I was tapped on the shoulder, turned around to find my little brother holding a dozen roses (hands down my favorite birthday gift every year are these roses from my brothers). I just stood there dumbfounded and silent, then finally blurted out "Why are you here?!" then proceeded to hug the life out of him.. and SOB. As in, I could not breathe, I could not talk, I could not see.. I just sobbed and hugged my brother while everyone laughed at my reaction. THEN, the next day my friend/sister/old roomie showed up with cake and two more of my good friends.. and we proceeded to have a perfect weekend around DC exploring the Spy museum and getting Thai food. It was perfect, and I was reminded I am loved.

The day after my birthday we had 30 (or so) people laid-off from my workplace...

February

February is a bit of a blur, I mostly just remember hating life, arguing with one of my roomies a lot, sitting on the couch under blankets, and trying to understand my homework.

I also really remember struggling with my job situation and being totally and completely unhappy.

But, the most overwhelming thing I remember from February are the feelings of total despair, being stuck, miserable, and totally feeling forgotten and unimportant. I literally remember feeling like I was not myself, but having no idea how to FIND myself again.

March

The most significant thing that happened in March was an out of the blue friend was made from reading my blog. I have no idea why or how she found me, but we began e-mailing several times a week about life, Jesus, pain, hurt, brokenness, Christianity, Christians, etc.. I was totally unsure how to handle the situations she presented me with, but what did end up coming from it was a lot of prayer on my part for her. I was amazed at the honesty she had when talking to me about her life and situations she has been in. I was humbled by the trust she had in me and broken for her and her situation. (I have not heard from her much in the last several months, but I still pray for her, her salvation, and that Jesus would do, what Jesus does in her life.)

I spent a great deal of March trying to figure out how I fit in the DC area. I did not like DC, I did not like my life here, and I really did not like that I felt stuck here. I had little to no friends, and had even fewer people who understood me.

I continued to hate my online class and felt more and more belittled and frustrated at work.

The biggest feelings I have from March are that of feeling unsafe and like the best I had to offer was to "keep it together."

April

April brought my best friend and his wife to visit for our annual Easter weekend together. I needed them more than I think they will ever understand. They understand me, they laugh with and at me, and more than anything, their friendship is solid no matter where we are in life. We had a great weekend in DC, we even went roller blading (old school I know, but it is our thing!).

April also brought with it an acute understanding that I was missing my Savior at my very core. I knew something was missing, I knew I felt lost, and I also knew I had no idea what to do. I felt empty and broken, and felt like I was completely directionless.

What I do remember though on a positive note is how pretty DC is in the spring. The flowers, trees, warm breeze.. it was truly beautiful and I finally found something I enjoyed about living here!

April also kick-started my insanely hectic always busy weekend summer schedule.

May

May brought a lot of wedding showers.. Several friends were getting married, so I traveled to and from Lynchburg a lot in order to feel like I was much more a part of something than I actually was.

I realized in May that I truly was beginning to hate my job because of a couple particularly challenging individuals, and I really was struggling with the Lord on my attitude towards my job and the people causing the issues. I also began seriously searching for a new job...

I spent most of May exhausted. I had almost every moment of every day for the entire month planned out, down to how long it took me to get places. It was all rather ridiculous really... But, the busyness allowed me to fake ok. It is easier for me to fake that I am ok because I was so busy every "not ok" moment can be blamed on exhaustion and not getting enough sleep, and then anything that did not fall under that category could be lumped in with the stress of school and being incredibly busy at work...

I hid my heart and refused to acknowledge the pain going on at my core to anyone else for the entire month.

June

One of our roomies moved out, and another one replaced her. It was both sad and exciting at the same time.

I went home for the first time since Christmas to surprise my brother for his birthday, loved being home and seeing everyone, and it gave me a good reprieve from not feeling like I belonged or fit anywhere.

I left from MI back to DC for a night, then down to FL for a week-long annual convention for work. I spent the better part of the entire month traveling, I acquired a cough I could not get rid of, and spent the majority of my time doing homework in the hammock we had set up in our backyard... I am pretty sure that hammock saved my life this summer haha :)

I had more wedding showers and more traveling back down to Lynchburg, and I honestly have no idea how I found the time to do my homework.. much less understand and pass the class...

I spent a great deal of June trying to do an internal check and figure out what I needed to do to make my life "ok" again. At this point I really realized how much I disliked my life, and I knew I needed to make a change, and I knew a lot of it was that I was not willing to humble myself enough to talk to my Savior about the things really bothering me.. So, God and I began having some pretty serious "what the hell" conversations.. It was actually quite liberating to know He was listening to me spout off like a little child, and that He still cared and loved me..

Also, while this is my first mention of it in this post, I L.O.V.E. my church, and throughout the whole year they really were the one lighthouse that I had. Over the summer, they did a series called the God Anthology, they picked and talked about nine attributes of God. While I was crazy busy, my church remained the one thing about DC I loved and was (and still am) unsure I ever wanted to give up...

The one thing that began to offer some genuine reprieve that I did not even know I needed was having a friend from Lynchburg move to DC. While we were in the same group of friends there, we were not super close.. But she has become such a God send to me. Her friendship, loyalty, humor, adventurous spirit, and level headedness... as well as her love for fun and doing things has been exactly what I did not even know I needed.

July

The two best friends that got engaged on New Years got married over the 4th of July weekend. It was a pretty epic weekend.. One that included a lake day, 11 other bridesmaids, 12 groomsmen, several flower girls and ring bearers, three pastors, and a sneak attack surprise of chucks shoes for the dance off at the reception... I got to see so many old friends, meet new ones, and party like crazy celebrating the union of two of my best friends! It was a pretty epic and fantastic wedding weekend :)

It was about this point in the year that I finally began realizing I (while crazy busy) was finding my place in DC. I did not particularly like most of the things going on, and it was not my ideal, but I was able to say that I had friends and that maybe I was making a life here after all... With the exception of the fact that I was still job hunting... and still really wanting to move to Atlanta...

I also realized in July exactly how stressed out I was... So, I took a couple day trips or mornings to relax.. I really thought a couple times I was going to lose it on some poor unsuspecting soul...

I had a period of time in July where it seemed that my virginity came up over and over in almost any situation. I found the conversation empowering and very intriguing as well. I was quite surprised by the interest others had in my choice to remain a virgin until I get married... the reactions were.. priceless and pretty much spanned the gambit. Some were not surprised in the slightest, some thought it was purely accidental, others were completely blown away because apparently I do not seem "the type." However, it really caused me to begin looking at those areas of my life and realize that not only am I not ashamed or embarrassed by them in the slightest, I am very thankful and proud that God and I have this story together.. and that I have the boldness to talk about it with others, and explain eloquently why I am still a virgin.

August

I went home in the beginning of August to help plan and celebrate my parent's 30th wedding anniversary, and it was awesome. We had a blast, and I was reminded once again how absolutely amazing my family is. I am always amazed at how close we are and how much we all genuinely LOVE to be around each other, joking, laughing, reading, talking, watching movies.. whatever.. we love it.

I also went with one of my friends to the Bachata congress here in DC, and we had SO much fun. We were so sore, tired, and our poor feet suffered greatly, but overall it was a fantastic experience, and one that helped me learn so much more about dancing, and helped renew my love for it.

In August we also had an Earthquake in DC (which you can see the destruction my place suffered here), and a hurricane... although I left to visit my best friend and her husband during the hurricane, and helped them move.. It was a long and tiring weekend, but I loved every minute of it because I was with them!

I could tell by the end of August I was really getting antsy for life to FEEL normal. I wanted to feel like I belonged, like God and I were close again, like I was important, like I had value to offer, and I longed to enjoy my job once again...

September

I spent the first half of September really evaluating where I was, and really ready inside to take a moment and breathe. I felt like I was drowning and like nothing anyone said was relieving my stress.

Thankfully I had a free airplane ticket to use and some extra time off, so I peaced out to California to see my cousin. We spent four days in southern California doing whatever we pleased to celebrate her 3rd anniversary (even though her husband was deployed at the time). We laid on the beach, played in the VERY cold water, got pedicures, ate amazing food, walked down the beach, took paddle boarding lessons, made amazing homemade food, and watched movies.. not to mention talked and laughed for all four days. It was during that break that I FINALLY felt something break. It was like God had released the pressure valve on my stress level and I could finally think, feel, and process clearly. I felt content inside my soul once again... I had almost forgotten what that felt like.

We also celebrated the 10th anniversary (has it REALLY been that long?!) of the 9/11 terrorist attacks...

I was reminded during September how much I am loved, and for whatever reason I was finally able to start understanding it deep down.. I am surrounded by friends who love me and send flowers just because they knew I was having a rough week..

October

I finally knew what contentment felt like, and it was like a dew kissed morning.

I became debt free except for my student loans in October, and the new found freedom is awesome!

The biggest thing I remember from October is feeling like I finally found my groove. I finally felt like I was BUILDING a life.. and while I was not too thrilled with certain situations with work or school still, I had peace once more, and knew I was going to be ok.

I made the decision to sign the lease at the end of the month, which essentially meant I was committing to another year here in DC... I was a little worried I was making a mistake, but knew I needed to make a choice regardless and let God do his thing and figure out what was going to happen.

I also ran my first 10k.. and I RAN the whole thing.. the furthest I have ever run.. in my ENTIRE life.. I was pretty stoked.. then I walked like an 85 year old man for several days haha!

November

November seemed like it FLEW by to me. I am not entirely sure where the month went..

I think the most unique thing about November for me was all of the things that felt like they began settling into place. For starters, it went down in record as the longest I had lived in one place for the last nine years (whoa!). I had not realized how transient my life was, and how almost bizarre it felt to live in the SAME place not having to pack up or move anywhere... Such a unique feeling.

I was able to reconnect with an old friend from Freshman year of college, and it has become such a welcome surprise and rekindling of a friendship.

I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner with the help of a friend... and it wasn't easy, but we had fun and only had a few minor mishaps..

I began reading and finished reading Start Something That Matters by Blake Mycoskie (the founder of TOMS Shoes) and was incredibly inspired...

Work became suddenly significantly easier and less stress filled due to staffing changes, it was almost a visible change in my stress level and it could not have come at a more perfect time. This made it easier to decide that I can stay where I am until God really moves me elsewhere...

Overall it was a good month, not void of frustrations or annoyances, but definitely one of the best months I have had in around a year in a half...

I also met a guy through a mutual friend that I have been on a few dates with, he has proven to be much nicer than I am used to in the men I typically date. I have absolutely no idea where it is going, but after a few (somewhat minor) freak outs I have settled into trusting that God knows what He is doing and walking through this door and seeing what happens.

December

I cannot believe December is almost over... Where did this year go? The most challenging thing about this year is there were so many reoccurring feelings and frustrations that it makes the entire year blend into itself...

This month I have spent a great deal of time feeling like life is normal.. Well normal aside from trying to figure out if I like this guy while at the same time understanding that the emotions do not accurately reflect reality and just enjoying it is really the key.

What I do know is that the Lord and I are reconnecting.. Prayer comes easier again, and just sitting and being with my Savior is something I am enjoying again.

2011

Hands down of the most stressful and pressure filled years I have ever had... While I would NEVER.. ever choose to re-live this year, I can honestly say I am so thankful to have been through this year and survived. I learned so many things about prayer, stress, pressure, friends, and know without any shadow of a doubt that patience was created and increased ten fold in my life this year.

While this is a gross exaggeration of what has happened this year, I feel like Job at the end of his book in the Bible, an overwhelming sense of peace and an acute awareness of the blessings in my life.

Please Lord, do not ever make me repeat this year, but thank you for all the times you carried me and comforted me while I struggled. Thank you for proving once again you are faithful and that no matter where I am, what I am going through or who I am dealing with you not only care, but you hear me when I talk to you. Thank you for giving me the chance to learn and for putting the people in my life I needed to survive. Thank you for teaching me another thing or two about humility and compassion, and for growing my heart for the lost and broken.

I have no idea what to expect for the next year, I would love for it to be a fantastic year, but I have no sense of what is to come at all. But, what I do know is, if the last couple years are any indication, it is going to be a very... interesting year!

Uncle Mark...

2011-12-21T20:13:00.001-05:00

Six years ago about this time I was out Christmas shopping to help distract my roomie who's uncle had committed suicide. I was a junior in college and home on break. While we were out shopping my dad called and told me that he needed to talk to me, and wanted to know where I was and if someone was with me. I knew instantly something was terribly wrong.. and true to form I always assume the worst. However, this time, the worst wasn't even close to what I had imagined. My dad began explaining what little information he knew, which was about the sum total that my uncle (his little brother) had committed suicide by hanging himself on a door knob.

... and then I just remember wandering aimlessly around the mall not really hearing him as he explained what little information he knew at the time. I remember hanging up and calling one of my best friends from college and telling him what had happened and while I do not really remember what he said, I remember him sitting in silence with me on the phone for what seemed like a very long time as I continued to wander and tell him I didn't understand and I couldn't believe it...

Why would my uncle do this? Didn't he know how much we all needed and loved him?.. How much I needed and loved him? How could he be THAT stubborn?.. How could he be that depressed? How could he do this to us?.. To me?.. Didn't he know he was my favorite uncle? No, there must be some mistake, the uncle Mark I knew would never do that... There is no way he did this DAYS before Christmas.. Didn't he know he has three small boys that need him!?.. Didn't he know I was almost done with a degree he talked me into at 15?!.. How?... Why?.. What was he thinking?..

The thoughts were incessant for days...

I cried a lot the next few days...

One of my most vivid memories from the viewing and funeral was a moment that I had snuck away to cry again. I needed a moment to cry and I was trying as hard as I could to not cry in front of the family... We didn't need more tears. I was sitting down a side hallway at the church and I heard someone coming, knowing they were looking for me I began to compose myself.. Only to discover it was my older brother. He got it. He knew how I was feeling. We shared so many of the same memories of playing with our beloved uncle. We shared so many laughs with our uncle Mark, the same schemes we had pulled off, the play fights, and the long talks... My brother came to find me when he saw me missing, and knew instantly that I needed him. I remember walking up to him with tears in both of our eyes and him just saying "I know..." and we hugged while we both cried.

I don't remember the last time I saw my uncle. I was in college, back and forth between school and home, and summer camps... I have no idea what the last thing I said to him was...

I miss him all the time, and it took me months before I could even think about him without crying.

It was made worse the following December when a good friend of mine was hit and killed by a car during exam week of my Senior year. That death marked the third death in a row during the Christmas season I had experienced, and I was beside myself with grief... making entirely new and raw the old wounds... It brought all of it back, the pain and grief...

My uncle struggled with a lot of things, a lot of issues... But, what I remember the most is how much I loved him, and knew he loved me. He called me "Sister Mister" for as long as I can remember with a particularly high octave voice that was not natural... He was the only close family member that did not forsake us when I was little, and he was the one that taught me to shoot guns, climb trees, play video games, and drive a stick shift truck (sorta haha)... He helped spark a love for the marital arts and learning to be stealthy in the woods.

He is the reason I went into communications as a major in college, and subsequently is the reason I am doing it still almost 12 years later.. He sold me on the concept, the idea, and the excitement it would have... He also talked me into taking scuba diving lesson when I was 14... haha

I remember always feeling special and treasured when he would come and whisk my brother and I away to go play or help him demolish the inside of his house... I can still hear his voice in my head, I can still see his face when we would light something on fire and it wouldn't go as planned and we would all scatter and laugh hoping grandma and grandpa didn't catch us... I miss his laugh... I miss his hugs and having to be alert just in case me made a swat towards my head that I needed to block or duck.

Suicide is never easy, but I literally have no idea how someone who does not believe in Christ gets through it.

I miss him a lot, and I cannot believe it has been six years.

Distractions...

2011-12-20T12:06:00.001-05:00

Focus is something I am lacking as of late.

Maybe it has something to do with my new found (and despised) sleeping pattern, possibly because of a new relationship in my life... or maybe it has to do with the fact that I am heading to the mitten state soon to see my favorite little people and loved ones who fill my heart to overflowing..

Maybe it really is just that I have lacked discipline in my life lately and my body and mind are rebelling..

Whatever it is, I feel like focus is eluding me.

Re-Doing Church...

2011-12-18T22:17:00.001-05:00

A friend on Facebook posted this not long ago, and I am really intrigued by this thought provoking sermon by Francis Chan. First, let me say, one of the biggest reasons I love Francis Chan's speaking is his humility. I appreciate his perspective on the Bible and on Christ and what it looks like to lead a Christian life. I do not pray for him as often as I should, but his ministry is amazing.

So, please watch, thoughts?

Not My Own...

2011-12-18T19:39:00.000-05:00

Several weeks ago, Dick Foth spoke at my church for a two part series "Hallowed" which roughly means "Holy." He talked about the Lords prayer and just what exactly are we asking for when we say the Lords prayer. In case you have never heard it or just want a refresher:

"Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom Come,
Thy will be done on earth, as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And, lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For thine is the Kingdom,
The power,
and the Glory,
For ever and ever.
Amen."

Even though this is old English, I still like this version the best.
There is a different cadence to it that I enjoy, which is ironic since I do not really like any other verses in old English.

One of the things that was pointed out was "Thy will be done.." and how even in the Garden of gesthemany where Jesus was crying, praying, and basically asking God to find another way to save us He essentially said "Thy will be done.."...

"...he fell with his face to the ground. He prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, take this cup of suffering away from me. But let what you want be done, not what I want.'" -Matthew 26:39b

This has really been sticking with me lately after Dick Foth made mention of, how different would our lives and the lives of those around us look if more people said more often "... not my will, but yours..."

So, what if?.. What if I said that more times a day than I can count? How different would my life look if every prayer, everything ended with "but, not my own will, but yours be done here."? Would my life dramatically change?
I dunno, maybe.

Maybe I would stop stressing so much,
Maybe I would be less afraid of getting hurt again,
Maybe I would stop trying to keep everything together perfectly,
Maybe I would stop paying attention to the wrongs against me,
Maybe I would stop trying to control everything,
Maybe I would be more patient,
Maybe I would be more compassionate,
Maybe I would see someone else's hurt before my own,
Maybe I would be less selfish,
Maybe I would begin to be more fulfilled in every situation,
Maybe I would have more peace and contentment in my life,
Maybe I would hurt more because I was seeking God's will more,
Maybe my life would get harder,
Maybe I would cry more,
Maybe my heart would be broken more for what breaks God's,
Maybe I would get hurt more,
Maybe I would get my heart broken again,
Maybe I would love unabashedly,

Maybe more people would come to know Christ,
Maybe God would change the world with my life.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about this concept, and just working through the idea that I want to walk through any door and any path the Lord has put before me regardless of what is going on or the result.

This was aided by today's sermon by Mark Batterson about how sometimes God's plan does not make sense for 55-1500 years... He listed several stories in the Bible that the individuals would likely have said "thanks but no thanks" and would have chosen to write it differently, but that later, and sometimes 1500 years (and however many generations that is) later it all makes perfect beautiful sense as to why something happened the way it did. He also pointed out that when God does miracles, they never are convenient, and often really get in the way of life and our plans. Such an interesting thought.

Am I open to be inconvenienced for God?.. Gosh I hope so.

I guess I just feel like I am at this place right now where I know that some crazy things are coming around the corner, some probably scary, others exciting, likely some stressful things, and everything in between, but what I know above and beyond that is I desire God's will over my own. With Him directing and taking the lead I have no reason to fear...

Not my own, but yours my King.

Personal Christmas Traditions...

2011-12-17T18:36:00.000-05:00

I have a method to the way I Christmas shop, it tends to be one of the last weekends before Christmas, I have a list for all 11 family members to help guide me and keep me from getting distracted or forgetting anyone (terrible.. but there's a lot of them!). I prefer to be shopping exclusively for Christmas, I do not like having other things on my list because it just ends up distracting me.. And finally, I always would rather go by myself, this allows me to get in and out or mosey as long as I want to at each store. I love it because I end up spending the entire day thinking about my family, what Christmas will be like, the possible reactions they will have, the gifts they will love or react to the most, the laughter that will go with the explinations as to why I bought something or the story behind the wrapping... Then, I get really excited to wrap all the gifts and make them look perfect.

I also prefer to go by myself because I get less impatient by all the people rushing to get in lines and the last of whatevers to get the best deals... I find my blood pressure is always lower when I am by myself, and I have the chance to smile and say excuse me over and over... It is Christmas after all, why be a jerk about anything?

Once I have everything bought, I love to take an evening to wrap everything at once.. It usually takes me several hours because I decorate each gift making it its own special brand of perfect. I tend to have themes, sometimes they are clearly Christmas, other times they are just festive, and still other times they resemble modern decoration more than anything else. Everything tends to match, and, while I am sure my family appreciates my effort, the reality is I enjoy spending the couple hours to do this more than I think any of them like getting perfectly wrapped gifts. For me the presentation and the "wow, that looks perfect" is part of the excitement of opening all the gifts..

Not to mention, with the size our family is quickly growing to it tends to look like our Christmas tree had a volcanic eruption of gifts and they have flowed beyond the base of the tree like lava... haha The gifts to and from everyone literally take up half the living room.

Merry Christmas! May you find the reason for the joy of this season, and the truth about the birth of a precious baby that we celebrate.

Internal Pause...

2011-12-15T18:31:00.002-05:00

"Above everything else, guard your heart.
It is where your life comes from." - Proverbs 4:23

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7

"He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake." - Psalm 23:3

"O God, restore us and cause Your face to shine upon us, and we will be saved."

"O God of hosts, restore us and cause Your face to shine upon us, and we will be saved"

"O LORD God of hosts, restore us; Cause Your face to shine upon us, and we will be saved." - Psalm 80: 3, 7, 19

"Keep me going as you have promised.

Then I will live.
Don't let me lose all hope."

- Psalm 119:116

Practical and Efficient...

2011-12-14T11:26:00.003-05:00

There is no doubt that I am a complete and total product of my environment. I am my mothers daughter, and practicality makes me happy. I am my fathers daughter with a propensity for efficient actions. I will choose both over most other things when it comes to what my preferences are.. even if in, order to have something be more practical or efficient means I will have to go out of my own way to accomplish those tasks.. I will choose it every time.

Today is not a day where I will be getting either practical or efficient in the way I desire.. and it is causing some serious annoyances in my outlook today. I know none of these things are a ultimately a big deal, and I know I will feel different in a few hours, but currently the lack of practicality and efficiency is on the verge of driving me bonkers... Awesome.

Connecting Again...

2011-12-13T18:17:00.000-05:00

I have been doing a lot of praying lately about all sorts of things, friends, family, a wide variety of health, schooling, relationships, safety, salvation etc..etc.. I have really grown to love my getting ready for the day/bed time while I wash my face, do my hair, make up or brush my teeth because it gives me a chance to pick one or two of the things on my 3x5 prayer cards to focus on and really touch the face of God. While I pray throughout the day, I tend to view these 30 minutes to an hour a couple times a day, just before I fall asleep, and while I drive to or from work as real anchors in my talking moments with my sweet Savior.

I have felt a serious sense of connection once again to my sweet Jesus, partially because He clearly has overcome a lot of things in my life and it is fairly apparent we are on to new and as of yet unattained heights. But, with that comes a lot of prayer for relationships, not just mine, but also the ones my friends (or family) are in. Friendships, dating, engaged or married relationships, and just really asking that God take over and overwhelm their (and my) minds and hearts..

What is interesting to me is how much peace and contentment comes from these moments I am connecting with my Lord. I have no idea what is going on in the minds and hearts of a lot of my friends or family that I am praying for but, what I do know is everyone I know could use some additional prayers.. Including myself.

There are a lot of things going on that I did not see coming and certainly was not expecting, and since that just wreaks of a loss of control, I am slightly prone to freak mentally... Yet, in reality I know that freaking out does nothing to aid the situation.. And still, even in the midst, at my very core, at the center of my internal storms I know that my God is here, walking through and guiding me speaking words of "peace be still." I realized last week that no matter the outcomes of things going on in my life right now, I would always choose to walk through these doors.

Last night I was talking to someone about the idea of pain, frustration, brokenness, and how much people often try to drowned out the thoughts and feelings with various methods... drinking, movies, games, incessant noise, drugs, sleep etc..etc.. What I realized is, I never want to forget these moments of pain, fear, brokenness. I do not want to undo the memories and let them fade away like the mundane memories I have already forgotten throughout my life. I want to always remember both the good and the bad things that I have been through. I have learned so much about what I believe and who I am through these instances that, forgetting would be not just tragic, but devastating to me. I realized last night that even though I have had some serious shouting matches at the Lord (I've yet to have him shout back), I always knew He is still here, He loves me, and one day it all will make perfect beautiful sense. I also realized last night that while I never actively choose the painful mistakes I have made again, I know that the only way I will be able to keep from repeating the same stupid things over and over is by remembering... even if remembering is really painful, I will still choose it... It is such an intense motivator for me.

I want to be better tomorrow than I was today. I want to love better, care more, have more compassion, and draw closer to the one and only Lord.

Philly Weekend...

2011-12-09T00:11:00.001-05:00

My friend and I are headed to Philly in the AM to get some private salsa lessons from our favorite professional dancer Darlin Garcia, and attend a grand opening of a dance studio. This is sort of our Christmas gift to each other.. which really we are both paying for ourselves, but it is more about the set aside time we will get to spend together, catch up, and share in some dancing.. which we love doing.. but love doing together even more!

I cannot begin to explain how excited I am to spend the weekend with her. She is such a blessing in my life, constantly encouraging, checking in on me, listening to me ramble about the most obscure things, and most of all we end up laughing together so much about all kinds of things. She surprised me by her friendship and loyalty, her dedication to me when I have gone through some really rough times just amazes me, and there is no doubt that I am blessed to have her as a friend..

And, I love her more than she loves me ;)

Expectancy Violation...

2011-12-08T15:51:00.001-05:00

"Expectancy Violations Theory sees communication as the exchange of information that is high in relational content and can be used to violate the expectations of another, who will perceive the exchange either positively or negatively depending on the liking between the two people. Expectancy Violations Theory attempts to explain people’s reactions to unexpected behavior. Expectancies are primarily based upon social norms and specific characteristics of the communicators" (Thank you Wikipedia)

I feel like I have had a lot of Expectancy Violation Theory in my life lately...

(I am aware that this highlights my nerddom when it comes to communications and why I love it so much.. but I cannot help the fact that this is a great descriptor for me lately!)

Fear Altering...

2011-12-06T23:54:00.001-05:00

Fear has an interesting way of pervading our view, obstructing reality, and coloring life differently. I have realized in the last couple weeks how much fear really can completely change how we see life; it easily becomes the sole focus of my mental energy and leaves me feeling both frustrated and over-reactive.

I also realized about a week ago that, I have essentially two options with my fear, I can do what comes naturally and act as though it is life as usual or I can actually process the fear out... I naturally want to hide the fear due to the fact that it does not require me to be vulnerable.. It is the easier path for me to walk because I can fake confidence... However, if I actually process the fear out and figure out what is causing it, and where it came from to begin with, then I can actually work towards letting it go, taking active steps to release the fear and then move on.

It took me a solid week of flipping back and forth between what is comfortable and safe for me to do and what is quite honestly the best thing for me regardless of my feelings... And then, tonight I realized, I need to process through my fear before it consumes my entire perspective on life... I have never been a fearful person, I love and embrace adventure and the unknown typically, but in a few very out of my control situations the fear paralyzes me... I absolutely refuse to be paralyzed in my life, there are way too many experiences to be had, too many people to love, and way too many things to learn for fear to be the default reaction.

So, with a lot of prayer, a lot of talking, and probably a decent amount of blogging, God and I will work through this fear, and He will pull it out of my unsure and unsteady hands only to replace it with a peace that only He can give... That is what I aim for, regardless of if the fear has any substantiated reality in my life in the future.

Should be a wild and scary ride... oh gosh...

Blog Auction...

2011-12-06T09:19:00.001-05:00

My friends Rachel and Doug are adopting from Ethiopia!!.. To help offset some of the cost they are having a blog auction on their site. Head over and take a look, post a bid, and get lots of great things!

They have such a huge range of things in their auction, and it's perfect timing for Christmas!

The auction closes 7pm EST on Friday!

Cannot Be Repaid...

2011-12-05T22:21:00.001-05:00

I have had a bucket list of things I want to do for pretty much as long as I can remember.. it has gone through various phases and updates, taken the form of barely more than excited thoughts of adventure to a running list with accomplishments crossed out.

Tonight I want to focus on one small one that I put on my bucket list because it would serve as a forever reminder that life is bigger than me.. That I am selfish, but if I can truly pull this off, then it serves as yet another reminder that Jesus makes me new and more like Him every day.

"Do something for someone they cannot repay."

That is on my bucket list. I want to get in the habit of doing things for people with literally no thought of reward for myself. Sometimes things I do come with a subconscious understanding that I will reap some sort of reward.. Sometimes, I know that through my actions God will bless me.. and other times, like in the case of this item on my bucket list.. The sheer idea of it is too big for me to accomplish on my own and that is partially why this is one of my favorite things on my bucket list. Because this is the type of thing that really is so beyond myself that I just want to be a part of it...

A few weeks ago, I think I found what will fulfill this. I do not know if it will pan out, but I really want it to and I am scared for it to turn out at the same time.

I know that by posting the specifics, it puts it out there for criticism, judgement, and concerns from those who are convinced that I do not think things through or that I act rashly often times.. or because they are just natural worriers.. But, I also know that it gives me the chance to share this process regardless of how it turns out, and it all gives Jesus another chance to shine...

So, here goes, a couple of years ago I met a now friend and her husband through a mutual close friend of ours. I found out then, but did not think much more about the fact that her husband had kidney failure and has been dealing with it for (now three) years. Anyway, thanks to social media I have been able to keep up (ok more like stalk) her and her husband, their recent pregnancy and birth of their first beautiful baby (a girl!).. and of course all the adorable pictures that ensure with cute babies!

However, he has begun to seriously look for a kidney donor due to his kidney failure. So, I thought about it for about a week or so, and decided that I would go get tested to see if I am a match. That was the least I could do since the first step is to be the same blood type, and since I am O- and he is O.. first step is done. I have sent in the first of what will likely be numerous documents in the process of getting tested to see if I can donate one of my kidneys to him.

Which means that now begins the heavy lifting of my prayers about this whole thing.. For me, for him, for their family, and for anyone else who I have no idea will be touched because of Jesus' hand on this whole situation... That last part is what excites me the most.

I know there are lots of risks, life would be different, more challenging, and there are a serious number of risks and medical complications later in life for me with one kidney...

I. Know. It. Is. Dangerous.

But, how can I say no if there is a chance I could save his life... or dramatically improve his quality of life at the very least? How can I say no to someone's new baby girl? How could I say no to my friends?..

And, it all comes back to "God's will, not mine." So, if this is supposed to happen, and it is a part of God's plan for my life and the life of my friends, then all of the steps (and there are a lot of them) will work out seamlessly, there will have no doubt that this is supposed to work out exactly this way. If this is not God's will, then there are plenty of doors to close along the way... So, in this process, I am going until God says no... Which tends to be my mode of operating the last few years anyway... I have just enough faith to know my savior is capable of anything, and this is just a fraction of how he could use me to change the lives of others.

If you think about it, please pray because this situation is gonna need a lot of Jesus to work out.. whether it works out with my involvement or someone else's...

Start Something That Matters Winner!...

2011-12-04T22:22:00.001-05:00

I really had to think about this one because I loved getting the stories on my blog, facebook, and twitter! It was really challenging, especially to read through the impact that people make on others lives and usually without even realizing the difference they are making. To me it is so encouraging to read about the small things making all the difference.

I loved the story shared by Jess about the huge impact it made on her life to have someone treat her as an equal as such a young age.

The story of the friend who was above all else loving and caring towards her hurting and broken male friend is very dear to my heart and one that I take as a great reminder that often times we stand in the gap for those who cannot handle the weight of the hurt in their lives alone.

The simple and utter faith of friends who make distinctions between our own hopes and the will of God.. the little prayers that bring us closer to the Lord in the smallest of moments but in the biggest of ways.

And finally, the woman who has genuinely created a "pay it forward" concept by taking a month that is typically used to celebrate herself, and instead choosing each day to love and care for someone else.. How incredibly inspiring!.. So inspiring that I too think I will start this tradition.. I love it!

So, thank you thank you for everyone on my blog, on my facebook, and on my twitter that responded and shared these amazing stories that really encourage and touch me.. Ahhh! It makes choosing a winner so difficult! However, do not worry, I have come up with a solution!...

The winner is all four of you (Jess, Patrick, Dan, and NanasNibbles)!.. Instead of merely sending the one book I have, each of you will receive a book.. which means that three children will receive new books as well "One for One." Why would I do this? Because I think it is a good enough book that if you took the time to think about and respond to my questions, then this book is a great read for you and has the potential to make a huge difference.

Please email me your addresses by December 10, 2011 so I can send you Start Something That Matters by Blake Mycoskie.

kpbback@gmail.com

Occupiers...

2011-12-04T13:36:00.001-05:00

Dear Occupy Wall Streeters,

Let me start with saying, I am so glad to see that people in my generation giving up their apathy and actually caring about something. I feel as though our generation has been succumb by apathy for too long. So, from that standpoint alone, I am glad that you are raising your voice and wanting to be heard, I am glad you are caring enough to take some sort of action.

With that being said, let me offer a few pointers that could potentially gain you a larger group of people agreeing and supporting your cause...
The biggest struggle I am having with agreeing with anything to do with "Occupy Wall Street" is there is no clear solution, and everyone I ask or anywhere I read gives their own personal opinions about what the movement stands for and the things it is hoping to accomplish. Which means, no one understand what the 3, 5, or 10 bullet point things are that the movement is seeking resolution for, meaning there is no solution. I know that you are passionate, I know that you care, and I know that you are frustrated and upset with our government and big businesses... However, simply protesting those things without a clear plan for resolution just annoys the crap out of the rest of us who are working and trying to make it, it actually causes us to refuse to "join" the movement or cause because of those annoyances alone.

I would like to see 3-5 clear cut goals and resolutions to emerge with one voice. I would like to see "Occupiers" actually begin meeting with prominent people to figure out steps, ways, and things that need to be done so that we can measure success.. Which means there needs to be S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timely) goals, and that is how you would begin to know if your movement is successful, needs adjusting, or needs to make a 180. Please, begin to seriously assess how to move forward because whether you like it or not, the media is not "for" your movement right now, but it COULD be if you play your cards right. Begin to disseminate information to all the supporters so they can accurately and fluently talk to the media and begin to flood social networking sites with one common voice and goal instead of individual thoughts and ideas. Be unified in voice instead of just in location because as it stands right now, the unified in locations is actually working against you, people are focusing on the crimes being reported of (what I hope is) a few, rather than the over-arching purpose of the movement. The frustration those of us who have to go to work or school.. or both every day find you occupying our parks in so many cities frustrating and insulting rather than inspiring. Whether we would ever join your movement becomes more difficult every day when your movement is hindering the small businesses and restaurants in those areas you are occupying, which for some of us means we are getting a cut in pay because people are avoiding the areas you are occupying.

So, please find your SMART voice and begin to take action to find resolutions, otherwise this is all for nothing, and you just make our entire generation look foolish. I would love to support specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timely goals if you could as one unified voice tell me what that looks like.

Lastly, please do not take this as an attack on the movement, a "hate again occupiers" or me asking you to shut up, this is merely a plea to begin to organize and move forward.. People are listening, but that window of opportunity is quickly closing.

Thanks,
Young, working, and frustrated with the government too.

My Men..

2011-12-02T23:38:00.001-05:00

The last few days I have been able to talk to my dad, brothers, and one of my uncles..

The men in my life are amazing men of God. I am so amazed at their wisdom, care, compassion, love, and genuine desire to seek the Lord and care for those around them. I am so blessed.

My dad is ever learning and finding life fascinating, I always love talking to him cause he always has interesting things to talk about, and he always is so inspiring and helpful when I am worried or concerned about things. My dad's faith and knowledge of the Bible and Christ amazes me.. He is my hero.

My brothers are two of the funniest people I know.. ever. While we used to argue all the time when we were little.. and sometimes still do today, they are always quick to tell me they love me, and I know if I ever needed them, I would have to merely utter the words. They are amazing men.

My uncle is one of the most caring men I know, he's always trying to figure out ways to help people. He has a great sense of humor, and knows how to make each person in his life feel special and unique.

I could go on and on about the guy friends in my life that I love dearly, or the other men in my family... But, I mostly wanted to highlight a few this time since I have been thinking about them this week :)

The amazing Godly men in my life vastly outweigh the men I know that are jerks or some variety of untrustworthy.

Win A Free Book...

2011-11-30T22:02:00.001-05:00

So, I have been thinking about the possible options for how to give away Start Something That Matters by Blaky Mycoskie. In case you do not know, I was sent two of his latest books, asked to read it, review it, hold a contest, and give the second book away. I. Am. So. Excited! I cannot wait to give this second book away and (hopefully) hear how it has impacted your life.. (kinda like a pay it forward concept)

Ok, so here is the deal, comment below or send me a message on my twitter and tell me about something that someone ELSE has done that has either changed your life or how they "did something that matters." Feel free to get as specific or as general as you are comfortable with, but I would like to know three basic things, "who, what, and why" (who it was, what they did, and why it mattered or why it changed your life).

I am so excited to hear your stories!! The best part will be that instead of hearing how awful people are (hello Black Friday), all the stories will be encouraging and about things people are doing to help others (whether they know it or not) and I am so excited because it is inspiring all on its own!!

So, think, post (once, twice, 45 times) and tell me who, what, and why someone has impacted your life in a positive way!

Post away!!

I will choose the winner on Sunday, December 4, 2011, and send you your book on Monday (or Tuesday if I can't make it to the post office).

Starting Something That Matters...

2011-11-29T19:12:00.001-05:00

This is essentially my "Part 2" of the review for Blake Mycoskie's Start Something That Matters book I just finished reading. The first review was my thoughts on the book itself (which I loved, and seriously I recommend you get it and read it!) , this is going to focus more on the impact the book has had on me, and the way in which I plan on working towards starting my own something that matters.

But first, a little background...

I have been in my career field for around 7-8 years now, I have known that I want to be doing exactly what I have been doing since I was 15 and my uncle painted a gloriously magnificent picture in my mind of what Communications/PR/Advertising (and business) looks like... exciting, energetic, fast paced, hard, challenging.. and mostly just different and adventurous all the time. So, almost 13 years ago I settled on this as my path. All throughout college I knew what I wanted to do, I got a degree and worked in my field throughout college, graduated and jumped right into my field and have been in this field of study ever since... A little over a year ago I felt like I was supposed to go back to school (*tears*), so I have been pursuing a double masters in Business Administration and MS in Leadership.

I have worked in jobs that I loved, hated, was apathetic about, or incredibly passionate about. However, I have always loved helping those who have small businesses or new businesses understand things about communications, marketing, PR, advertising etc.. It has always struck me as sad and frustrating because they typically do the best they can, but there is no way new and small businesses can afford graphic designers, communications people, web designers, etc.. So, I love helping them where I can with whatever I can or at the very least directing them to the friends I have in the particular area they need help in. Essentially I have been doing some form of consulting for five or so years now.

So, while reading Start Something That Matters, I began thinking, why am I not actually pursuing consulting?.. I love it. I love everything about consulting... It is different every day, I get to help people with my skills, I get to network, I get to learn, I get to give business to my friends who are in various different fields.. but mostly, I love the fact that I get to help new or small businesses succeed, which makes a huge difference in the lives of the employees and their families.. The trickle down effect is astronomical!

One of the things that struck me the most about Blake and his approach to business and the philosophy's behind TOMS is how much he truly mixed profit and social responsibility. However, the social responsibility is really what sets the business side apart and makes it successful. The loyalty that is built when a business makes social responsibility one of the main goals is amazing to read in his book, and confirmed for me that everyone wants both of those things, to do something that has a greater purpose and provides/pays the bills. So, due to this, and the fact that I 100% agree with this in my own life and my own desires, the first 10% of income will go to organizations of the "clients" choosing (even before bills are paid).

So, my new business will look something like this... You are a new/small business, you are struggling, need help with a website, advertising, etc.. but you're working on an extremely tight budget. You would hire me to create a package that works for your needs.. after we have spent a decent amount of time building our relationship, my understanding of the needs and goals, I would coordinate with the various professionals (who all have businesses of their own) to help with the specifics needs of your package (web design, graphic design, photographer, videographer etc..) and you would then pick the ones with the styles that match your own tastes... We would work out the payment plan/options, and you would pick which charity you want your 10% going to (everyone has favorites)... but I would of course have a list of my favorites to choose from just in case (because I know so many people who work for amazing charity's as well). Then, I would commence to working to help your business succeed.

My something that matters is helping new and small businesses succeed whether by consulting for them or with them, while also supporting charities that make a difference.

This is a slow process to get this started and going, but I am pumped... Especially since I can start and grow this slowly while I am still working full time and getting my double masters (oye vey.. clearly I don't have enough to do). But, I now have a purpose behind the double masters and the things I am learning working for a national organization, all of these skills will be vitally important later.

Currently I am working on finding a name that captures my idea (feel free to send me any ideas you have), then getting the business squared away both legally, identity wise, and the look and feel of what I am doing (I cannot start a business claiming to help others without first following my own advice and getting websites and things)... Then (and until then) I will also be working on building my network of experts and professionals to partner with me (let me know if you're interested in partnering with me and joining my network). And of course, lots of prayer will be taking place in the next while for this whole thing.

Should be exciting!

The Review Part 1...

2011-11-28T09:45:00.000-05:00

Several week ago, I saw on Twitter that Blake Mycoskie was doing a book give away, I popped over to the Start Something That Matters site and entered to win Blake Mycoskie's new book. I wrote a couple short paragraphs about why my blog or twitter would be a great platform for me to receive two copies of Blake's books, read one, review it, then give away the second with a contest of my own creation. I found out a couple weeks later that I was one of several people picked! (which is awesome, cause I am fairly certain my sister is actually the lucky one in my family) Once I received the books, I began reading every night before bed, which is typically my nightly pattern with whatever book (or books) that happen to be on my nightstand.

Last night I finished the book, and while I am giving a bit away by not holding you in suspense, I absolutely loved it... Now on to the review; I have been thinking for the last week or so as I neared the end of the book about how I wanted to review it... I came up with all sorts of extravagant ideas, lame ideas, and probably really boring ideas, but I finally settled on breaking the review into two parts. The first part will actually be my review and thoughts of the book, the second part will be the way the book has inspired me to start my own something that matters.

Start Something That Matters is a very easy read, it has the feel of sitting down with a friend over a great cup of coffee and listening to him excitedly and passionately tell the story of how TOMS came to be where it is today. Blake talks about the lessons he learned along the way and the people who have inspired or helped him make TOMS what it is today. Blake does a fantastic job of walking you through his story with passion and ease, the chapters are concise and make sense, and the pictures of key moments or from his journal of a specific moment help make the story come alive even more. I really enjoyed the basic story of TOMS, which is both inspiring and exciting all on its own, but really the most helpful part of the book is reading about the lessons he learned along the way, whether through happenstance, intentional choices or because of mistakes. Blake also gives advice and resources that can help you start your own something that matters, and thankfully his advice is not another self-help to becoming a millionaire, but rather practical advice for a balanced and passionate life and career. The advice comes in all sorts of stories or bullet points, it speaks to the still in college person just as much as the retired and re-evaluating things person. I was amazed at how easily the points are transferable and meaningful for everyone regardless of their position where they work currently or their stage in life.

The advice Blake gives as he details his TOMS journey is not only entertaining to read because of his honesty and sense of humor, but it also strikes a chord because of the practicality and the fact that it appeals to your own desire to want to make a difference and be a part of something that matters. Throughout the book, I had this intense sense of appreciation for the perspective Blake has towards TOMS, business in general, and the way his goals for growing his business and what his goals are with TOMS (or how they have changed throughout the years).

Start Something That Matters does a fantastic job of giving timelines and information that allow you to connect with the story even more from your (my) own perspective... I was able to connect the book's timeline with my own timeline and story, all of which made it feel as though I had an even deeper connection. I was able to pinpoint in his timeline when I was first introduced to TOMS, when I first saw the video from their first shoe-drop (and when I posted it to myspace, before Facebook allowed that kind of sharing). I really enjoyed reading the stories of other people that were shared in the book of how excited they were to be a part of TOMS in their own way, and how they too are making a difference, but even more than that, I liked hearing Blake's perspective and reactions to the stories. They all reminded me of how even for myself, a large part of my connection to TOMS is that I love the story and feel connected too.

The book was the type of good, that I actually wrote in it, circled, underlined and dog-earred pages, and mulled over what I was reading the entire couple weeks it took me to read the book... Not only did I feel fully engaged in the book while I was reading it, but I have begun to think about people I want to buy copies for (because I want to keep my own, and I only have one to give away later).

Start Something That Matters sticks with the "One for One" model that was originated with the shoes, migrated to eye-ware, and continues with this book, for every book bought, a new book will be given to a child in need. I cannot even begin to explain how much I appreciate the consistency and continuity that Blake is exhibiting with all of his ventures.

In short, buy this book, read this book, absorb the message, and share it with others. You won't be sorry.

Stay tuned, next is part two of my review, where I will talk about how this book has made a difference and inspired me to start something that matters...

And then, the give away of the second book!

Post Game..

2011-11-26T16:48:00.001-05:00

My roomie and I agreed to this picture for whoever lost... haha we had fun :)

MI v. OSU...

2011-11-26T14:42:00.001-05:00

The roomie and I watching the MI v. OSU game today.. Having a blast razzing each other :)

Currently less than one quarter left, 30-27 MI.. Oh man!.. Such a fun game! :)

Toodling Around...

2011-11-25T23:02:00.001-05:00

Some of my favorite days are the ones that are full of random toodling around. I enjoy doing nothing planned or be-bopping around with friends, painting my nails, watching a couple movies.. Whatever. Days like that (or today) make the rush of life seem less pressing.

It doesn't hurt that I also have a four day weekend.

I Am So Thankful...

2011-11-24T11:21:00.001-05:00

Thought I would post a bit about the things I am thankful for since it's Thanksgiving.

I am pretty sure I say this every year, and I plan on saying it every year until I am no more, I am so thankful for my family. My parents are amazing people, my brothers are the absolute best (sorry to everyone with brothers), my sister and sister in law are hands down two of the most amazing girls I know, my nephews and niece are hands down the cutest kids ever (again sorry to everyone who has kids in their life). I am so thankful for each one of them, for how close we are, and that we all serve our Savior passionately. I am thankful that I do not have to worry or stress about their salvation. What a blessing.

I am thankful for the lack of health issues I have had this year, especially since last year I struggled with a lot of back pain, this year it has been almost a non-issue. So grateful!

I am very thankful for my job, and the ability to pay bills, pay off debt, and help others.. As stressful and full of tension the last year has been at my job, I know that I am fortunate to not just have a job, but have a well paying one that allows me to take care of myself and others.

I am thankful for being in school again, as much as I am not a fan of school at all, and as much frustration as I have been through trying to understand accounting, finance, economics etc.. I am thankful for the opportunities that I am getting educated to take on later.

I am thankful for my friends, the ones I have had struggles with, the ones I have grown close to, and the ones I have grown apart from. I am so thankful for the things my friends have taught me, the ways they have helped me grow, and I am so thankful for all the ridiculousness they put up with to be my friend!

I am so thankful for the way God has provided in the lives of those around me.. For the faithfulness He has shown to my friends that got married, had babies, adopted, or found jobs. My God is amazing and through good times and bad He has proven Himself faithful time and time again.

I am so thankful for my church, for their humility, their passion, their love, and how passionately they seek after Christ.

I am thankful for the struggles I have been through in the last year.. that seems counter intuitive, and I certainly was not thankful for them as I was going through them, but I also knew at the time one day I would be thankful. I am so thankful that I am beginning to see the whys behind the struggles and all of the things it has begun to cultivate in me.

I. Am. So. Thankful.

Stripped Away...

2011-11-23T20:28:00.001-05:00

It is interesting to me how slowly, methodically, and calculated the Lord pulls away things in your life that distract you from Him. Sometimes I think He does it fast, but more often than not I feel like God does it slowly with me. As though He pulls away the layers in such a fashion that not only do I not have a choice but to let go, but it causes me to turn to Him a little bit more each layer.

Sometimes I think God moves so slowly because I am just that stubborn... and other times I believe He moves that slowly because any faster and I would break.

It is a wonderful thing though to come out on the other side, healed, new, and closer to my savior than ever before.

Self Control...

2011-11-21T18:18:00.001-05:00

This little app keeps me from absent mindedly wandering to Facebook or twitter.. Or google.. Or my website.. Or my Blog.. Or hulu.. You know, any site except my school/homework that needs to me done.

Sometimes you just have to know when to ask for help!

I recommend the Self Control App!

cirque de soleil...

2011-11-20T16:54:00.001-05:00

Shar and I at the cirque de soleil in DC! So fun!

Doubts...

2011-11-19T18:57:00.001-05:00

I was thinking a little bit today about doubts and fears. I am not talking about basic doubt or fears, but the ones deep down inside that really can impact a lot of areas of your life... I was also thinking a bit about how doubts and fears grow, change, or reduce... For example, my biggest fear in college was "ending up alone," meaning I was worried I would be the scary, slightly crazy cat lady at the end of the road.... (or dog lady as it would likely end up ;) I had serious doubts that God heard my pleas and cries for Him to bring me someone so I would not have to do "this" (life) alone. These thoughts ebbed and flowed depending on what was going on around me and how busy or fulfilled I felt. But, one thing remained, there was fear in (what I thought was the worst thing possible) being alone.

What is interesting to me, is, I have found myself genuinely coming out of that fear and those doubts in the last couple years, but mostly in the last year or so. Part of it has been because of my need to focus elsewhere, which removal from the feelings and situation long enough always allows some distance from the thoughts or desires (for me at least). Other parts of it have to do with needing to comfort those around me that I am in fact not lonely at all, not in the slightest... And, finally, I realized that I honestly, whole heartedly trust God's plan for my life. Whether that means I will be the cool fun aunt that never has a husband and family of her own.. or whether that means some day I will adopt my own kids as a single woman... or if I find myself in love, married, and a family of my own. I do not in any way regret or find disappointment in my life so far regardless of the future. I realized sometime in the last year that I genuinely am enjoying my journey, and no part of me feels lacking or that God has left me wanting...

I was marveling the other day at how content I am with life as a whole. I have had some serious struggles, issues, and fires I feel like I have been through the last couple years, but currently I find that I am just content. I love my life... If God chooses to bring me a man.. then He's really gonna have to work on that one, cause not only am I busy (no really, that's not even an avoiding a date line), I am not particularly looking in a guy entering my life in a manner beyond just friends (kiss of death for guys, sorry). You see, it is not that I am against dating or having a guy pursue, I just do not have any, nor know of any that I am hoping will "come get/find me." I like my life just the way it is, single, difficult, busy, and (surprisingly) in DC. If God's will or plan is for me to find "the one" (I am not really sure I believe in that anyway), then I have total and complete confidence that God will work it out... and the guy will be perfect for me haha.. Meaning, he will have no bones about pursuing, and work to get/have me.... thus making me fall deeply and madly in love with him.... haha maybe someday... but not today, and likely not anytime soon.

So, whether you are single or you simply are worried about a single friend, let me encourage you to definitely be praying for the situation, but do not doubt God's plan and the perfectness of how it will all work out in the end. "Do not worry about tomorrow" including worry about the singleness of your loved ones (or yourself).

Trust God.

Glitters....

2011-11-18T17:57:00.001-05:00

"With every pair you purchase, TOMS will give a pair of new shoes to a child in need. One for One."

These are my new TOMS, black glitters. Love them because I can wear them to work and still be dressy!

Interesting Week...

2011-11-17T18:16:00.001-05:00

It has been such an interesting week.. It started out incredibly frustrating and annoying. I had a couple high points of getting a new book to read, began cultivating a new idea, and has ended with a complete bait and switch of a situation.

First, I want to say, several chapters into the Start Something That Matters book by Blake Mycoskie, I am very much enjoying this book, and finding myself underlining and writing notes in the margins... I will write a (probably a couple) review on it soon. I am definitely getting inspired.

Then today, in the midst of normal chaos at work I discovered that an individual who has caused a lot of stress, turmoil, and angst in my life over the last while was let go. What weird emotions to experience... I never felt a "jump for joy" or "time to celebrate" emotion, mostly I just felt relief.. and suddenly conflicted about the idea of "is it ok to celebrate over someone else losing their job?"... Is that ok? I sent some updating text messages to a few people and expressed my conflicted emotions... My dad wisely suggested that celebrating someone else losing their job is understandably something to be conflicted over, so instead, wait to see who will fill that position moving forward, and celebrate that. Another friend suggested waiting to see if there is room for promotion and celebrate the positive in the situation, not someone else's negative. And finally, another friend suggested that maybe celebrate is the wrong word entirely, but that it is okay to feel relief that there is a degree of struggle no longer playing a role in my workplace environment. So, I have settled on feeling relief that the stress and turmoil I had been experiencing for the last while is no longer a factor, but recognizing that someone (no matter how frustrating to work with) has lost their job.

What a weird week.. which was preceded by last week that just felt crazy, like the world had lost it's mind.

Something That Matters...

2011-11-15T18:00:00.001-05:00

When I got home from work, this is what I found...

Which of course means my new books are in! I am excited to start reading this and then have my giveaway of the second book!

Should be fun!.. and is a great way to come home from a frustrating day at work!

Hello Annoyance...

2011-11-15T13:12:00.001-05:00

I have been seriously annoyed the last couple days. Not at anything in particular, but I find myself having to exercise way more control with my reactions to things that are ultimately minor but leave me feeling ready to rip someone's head off. I, as one of my friends put it, had to put myself in adult time out yesterday to avoid laying into someone for a couple of rather minor situations. The problem is I logically know none of the situations matter, and I realize that my feelings towards them are rather silly or petty, but I also have found that knowing that has not helped improve my feelings towards the situations.

Last night, I found myself really just praying about the whole thing admitting that I wanted someone to pick a fight with me so I could tear them apart... and then recognizing how not ok that perspective is, and that I really was powerless to change my perspective and needed some divine intervention... Which ultimately put me to bed instead of talking to anyone.

I hope that the rest of the day and evening pan out in such a way that allows the remaining shreds of totally unfounded annoyance to waste away.

11/11/11...

2011-11-11T14:45:00.001-05:00

Some of the randomness from Brits bday... Love my friends!

Fall Colors...

2011-11-10T08:32:00.001-05:00

So pretty!.. Green, yellow, orange, red, and maroon!

Start Something That Matters...

2011-11-09T16:17:00.000-05:00

I am so excited, I got this today in my inbox:

So, soon and very soon I will be reading this book, and then having a contest to give the second book for free!

Stay tuned!

The Saga Continues...

2011-11-04T16:38:00.001-04:00

So, surprisingly, I am 3/4 of my way through the last book in the Twilight series. Since I am coming to a close, and have read the majority of the saga now, I thought I would post a few additional thoughts and comments.

First, I can totally see why my father HATED these books... And, at moments, I echo his sentiments entirely. However, as a whole, I do not hate them with the fervor that he did/does. Part of that could simply be because I was actually expecting to hate every bit of the series.. so, mildly better than I was expecting is still better than I was expecting.. Or possibly it has to do with the fact that sometimes I feel like my (maybe all girls) emotions seem to battle irrationally sometimes, and this series certainly gives you a glimpse of the inner workings of a girls mind.. aggravating and all.

Secondly, Alice Cullen is my favorite character. After her, Carlisle and Esme.. But, I appreciate the less morose and depressing aspects her character brings to the story. I enjoy the excitement she gets from the little things, but how much she is an "all in" type person (vampire), whether protecting, party planning or simply because of her enthusiasm.. She makes the story more enjoyable for me.

I also enjoy Emmett's sense of humor about everything..

Now, on to the books, plots, and other characters. In New Moon, I enjoyed the relationship that was built between Bella and Jacob, and understood why there even was such a thing as a "Team Jacob." However, by the end of Eclipse I was ridiculously annoyed with Jacob (and even more so at Bella for that matter), and I was glad out of spite (is that a weird feeling towards a fictional character??) that they did not end up together. The mental torment that Bella put herself through and the hot and cold, back and forth drove me absolutely insane.

I mildly enjoyed the banter between the vampires and werewolves, although both Edward and Jacob's possessiveness simply did not sit well with me. Which, could also have something to do with the fact that I am nearing my 27th birthday, and do not react kindly to being told what to do the way they both were dictating and manipulating Bella. Edward's over protective and possessiveness got really obnoxious quickly.

However, I appreciated how eventually Edward was able to see the usefulness of having werewolves as allies, and genuinely enjoy the friendship he built with Seth due to their battle together... But, in the process was really annoyed at Bella for manipulating him during the whole planning for the attack of Victoria part...

Now that I am most of the way through Breaking Dawn, I am ready for the story to be over... The over-detailed descriptions of post-vampire-turning Bella are getting old, there is just a little too much not going on to keep me overly interested other than wanting to finish the story. However, I will say, I am glad there has been only slight hints, innuendos etc.. of the love scenes.. I was unsure how that was going to play out, but thankfully Stephanie Meyer left more to the imagination than explaining what happened. Now a days, that is a serious plus in my book (pun intended).

Yet, through it all, I still stick with my original thought that, the back and forth Bella expresses and the emotions get old after a while... And, the "self control" Edward has is even more ridiculous than the thought of a vampire (lol weird I know..). Thankfully all of the books are incredibly easy reads, otherwise I probably would not have made it.

I will say though, that throughout the whole series, there is still a (unhealthy in my opinion) draw and a significant amount of attention that this saga points out in regards to the desire girls/women have deep down in the very core of who they are. I can see very easily how any sort of insecurity in the "love" area of a girl/woman's life could lead to an unhealthy obsession with these books, "Edward" or "Jacob" and the fact that it brings up the desire to be fought for, loved, cherished, protected, and part of a wonderful adventure... etc..etc.. Which means, ultimately the craze these books have generated really just show the level at which girls and women are wounded. That breaks my heart.

Overall, I think this series is just ok. Not great, not terrible, about the mediocre at best line..

High Class...

2011-11-03T16:02:00.001-04:00

A friend encouraged me to try video blogging (or vlogging if you are social media savvy)... I am going to attempt it soon, although I have to figure out what I intend on talking about in a video. I find it easy to ramble on about things on my heart and in my mind when I am writing, but I am unsure if the naturalness will come through in a video.. We shall see.

Last night I went to a "Think Pink and Blue" event last night put on by Men Against Breast Cancer. It was a night of h'ordeuvres, champagne, and a men's fashion show. It was fun, but mostly because the people who attended with me were a blast to be around, and they knew who all the "Real Housewives of DC" were.. their guys.. and random fashion people were.. I had no clue, and just enjoyed it. An amusing evening being a part of an evening so totally foreign for me, but for a fantastic cause.

Also, I (thank you facebook) reconnected with a friend from freshman year of college over coffee last night for a bit, and we had a blast catching up and remembering why we enjoyed each others company so many years ago.. We laughed about the fact that so much has changed. Not only are we both in DC instead of small towns in MI, she had dreadlocks, and dramatically different hair, my hair was long and blond, and I wore sweatshirts constantly... Last night both of us looked as though we fit in the city.. lol How odd, and comforting at the same time to be able to remember how much we have changed, and chat with someone who knows where you come from.

Longest Stay...

2011-11-02T11:01:00.000-04:00

Last night, I laid in bed thinking about the last year, the beginning of the next year, and just sort of taking inventory a bit. I realized that, as of today, I will have lived in one place for the longest amount of time since I was 17... That is almost ten years!

Let me break it down this way...
My senior year of highschool we moved to the first house my parents owned.. and we are all convinced it was made for our family.

About six months later I moved to college (I know it is not really a "move".. but it is if you are a girl haha).. I then proceeded to move to and from college for four years, including to and from summer camps every summer.

After I graduated at 22, I moved home... lived there for almost a year, but in the process had packed all my things preparing to move to Africa, then when that fell through I ended up moving to Ohio for summer camp again. At the end of the summer, I got a job in central VA, packed everything I owned/could fit in my car and made the 12 hour trek to my new "home".

Once in central VA, I lived in a temporary apartment for a month. Then moved into a new (beautiful) apartment for 8 months. Then moved to a cute house with two girls for just under a year. Then moved to an attic (my favorite room ever) of the house my roomie had bought... Lived there for 5 months... Then moved to DC where I have been for JUST over a year now.

So, since my senior year of high school I have yet to live in one house for more than a year... And yet, here I am beginning my second year in this same house, feels weird and good at the same time. Part of me thinks there is no possible way I will make another whole year, but then again, stranger things have happened!

Slow Body...

2011-11-01T14:53:00.000-04:00

So, a few thoughts on my currently sloth-like state...

First, I am actually moving faster today than I was yesterday, although not by much.. A large portion of my issue has more to deal with the joint issues I have, and less to do with the muscular soreness. Most of the sore muscles are actually all the small stabilizing muscles, and not really many of the others..

So, I thought I would share a few insights I have gained in the last couple days of my snail pace..

I have been amazed at how much my body is completely aware of my state, I have yet to forget about my need to slow it down, which could cause disastrous amounts of pain to ensue.. Even when I first wake up in the morning, my first thought has been "slow.."

Interestingly, I have also had to concentrate on walking.. How incredibly rudimentary, but necessary.. Because of this, I am keenly aware of my muscles, joints, movements, and pains all the time.

Co-workers keep laughing at me cause I have been walking everywhere touching the walls.. Yet, I have found that this additional sensory has allowed my balance to shift in a way that takes the pressure of the currently sore and in pain joints and stabilization muscles in my hips and legs.

Yesterday, one of my roomies and I had to move the furniture in my house.. lots of laughter ensued as I would push the couches as far as my arms and balance could go... to only then slowly follow with my feet.. Very inchworm style... What is interesting to me is the fact that I did not plan on this tactic, it came out almost as a survival tactic my body produced knowing my arms and upper body are significantly less sore currently.

Everything is currently taking me longer.. almost twice as long... Talk about a force of patience! I literally have no choice but to take my time getting places.

This has turned into a very unique learning experience for me...

Same Every Year..

2011-10-31T22:22:00.001-04:00

So I wear this "costume" every year.. I change the goal of what my costume is supposed to be, but my dad bought this for me, and I love it.. and let's be honest, given the country we live in, there is no wearing this other than Halloween.. and I love it.. :) And, this is one of my favorite co-workers.. yes, we are "for real friends" outside of work too.. We have a great time together :)

In completely other news... I walked and moved like a sloth today (that may have been a more appropriate costume!) due to my complete and utter soreness and pain from the 10k yesterday. I literally cannot walk fast...

Guess who's learning patience haha...

10k...

2011-10-30T10:12:00.001-04:00

Completed! Ran the whole time! 1:13:39!! Yay! Don't sit down!

October Snow...

2011-10-29T16:30:00.001-04:00

Snowing in the city... In October!.. *weeping*

Go Blue Makeup...

2011-10-29T12:29:00.001-04:00

Doing my makeup and watch MI v Purdue haha.

Thursday Thoughts...

2011-10-27T20:53:00.001-04:00

Thursday thoughts...

Brooke Fraser and Shawn McDonald are my two favorite artists.

We found our 4th and 5th roomies, and the great roomie swap begins this weekend...

As much as I would like to "love" Halloween.. I do not really care all that much for it. I enjoy dressing up (although in reality I've worn the same outfit every year since my dad bought me a BEAUTIFUL blue kimono dress that I love), I enjoy hanging out, and let's be honest.. I love anything that gives a reason to be festive and hang out with people... But, I am not the biggest fan of all the "other stuff" that typically comes with Halloween... So, while I have been invited to various parties, I am planning on avoiding them all.

I am buying my first piece of real furniture this week... a table and chairs. Mainly because ours will be leaving with the roomies moving out. So, I have decided that I might as well buy a set I will love for a very long time.. which means the tall counter-height table and chairs!... Although, one of my friends aptly pointed out that I "probably" should have bought a bed since I am still sleeping on an over-sized air mattress (3 years now..).

I am interested to see what the next year holds...

I am running a 10k on Sunday.. and I am unsure I can even run a 5k currently, should be interesting.

I have yet to decide or figure out what my plans for Thanksgiving are.. I had been hoping all year to be in Africa, God had other plans so, I guess now I will get a chance to see what those were.

The leaves are turning colors again, which is beautiful, but means cold weather is coming... I'm not the biggest fan of that...

I realized last weekend how different several relationships are in my life now than they were a year ago... A couple people I now view as having very prominent place had yet to even enter into my life. Another friend was a part of my group of friends where I used to live, we have known each other for years, but were never really close in a one on one friendship... However, she has become one of the few people who just get me.. I am so incredibly thankful for her, and amazed at how different of a friendship we have than I would have ever guessed before. She amazes me with how wise, thoughtful, funny, and genuine she is.. not to mention she seeks out the friendship just as much as I do, so there is always just this level of comfort when we hang out that I have with very... very few people here in DC... A part of me is sad I had not discovered this about her and the potential for our friendship three years ago when we first met. I am always amazed at how very different we are, but completely thankful that our friendship has become a totally unique thing all on its own, and taken a very welcome place in my life.

I have really become aware in the last few weeks how totally and utterly blessed I am.

I was musing to myself while driving earlier this week at how weird it is to feel contentment in my soul again. It feels like a foreign feeling.. a very welcome foreign feeling though. It is almost like the first warm sunshine on your skin after a particularly treacherous and cold winter... I cannot pinpoint where it has come from, and a part of me has had the (very stupid) feeling that if I dwell on it too much it will disappear again... Yet, I know that is a totally and utterly ridiculous thought (but very human of me still). I am amazed though at how constant it is, even with the continued (and rather awful) situations at work that always threaten my mood.. It has been very carefully protected and shielded from trivial things; and for that I am so thankful! There is a small part of me that does not want to do or try anything new in fear of causing the contentment to disappear again, but, at the very same time.. I feel like it has caused me to re-awaken the dreams and desires I have of life in general... Which means that soon God will be shaking things up again, and I will gladly take His hand and walk where He asks me to.. Only God could create something at your core that causes feelings that seem so polar opposites.

My dad has recently joined Facebook, and I love how easy it is to tell him how much I love him or let him know how frequently he comes to mind... I am so incredibly thankful for Facebook, e-mail, and skype for making the hundreds of miles not feel like anything at all.

Old Lady Ways...

2011-10-25T23:18:00.001-04:00

Hi. I'm 26 and I take vitamins like an 80 year old...

God's Character...

2011-10-25T16:39:00.003-04:00

Last week I went to a speaking engagement/Q&A with Michael Ramsden and Ravi Zacharias. Couple side notes before I begin..

I met Michael Ramsden last January at the reception of my best friend's wedding. He is brilliantly funny, has a wonderful accent, and very clearly loves the Lord and has spent a great deal of time learning and working to understand Christianity.

I met Ravi Zacharias (and his wonderful wife Margie) a little over a year ago in his home. He is an amazing man both in front of an audience and in his own home. A few of my favorite things about him are how totally normal he is, he has just as many amusing or unique tendencies as any other person I have ever met. Yet, at the same time he has dedicated his whole life (since 17) to learning about Christ, Christianity, and teaching what he has learned to anyone with questions. Part of what I appreciate about him and his ministry Ravi Zacharias International Ministry (RZIM) is how much dedication he has to being and apologist (a link to what apologetics is just in case you don't know). He has been described as being the C.S. Lewis of this time, and I can definitely see that.

Anyway, on to the discussion I went to. It was hosted by the C.S. Lewis Institute, and held in the Constitution Hall of the DAR building downtown DC, with easily 1,500+ people in attendance (which is always encouraging).

Michael Ramsden started and was hysterical throughout his entire talk, but the thing that struck me the most about what he was talking about was how easily he wove literature, humor, facts, and faith in with Christianity in a manner that makes perfect sense. He started by explaining that there is a general thought, and one he held on to for quite a while when he was first learning about Christianity, and even after he realized he did actually believe Christ was the real deal... He was somewhat upset because his life was "good" before.. which left a lingering doubt of "will life be less fulfilling as a Christian?" He then commenced into explaining that "faith" is never actually used in a manner described as "stepping into the dark" but actually stepping into the light (Heb. 11:6 "..And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him."). He then connected that thought with the idea that not only "God is.." but that God is trustworthy. The thing that is unique about the "Christian faith" is that the claim is that it is true and real, and that it is not based on an absence of evidence. Michael Ramsden then talked about the idea that so many Christians have "failed," but failed at what? What does it mean to be told that a Christian has failed? What does it mean to truly be a Christian?.. (Galaians 5, the fruits of the spirit) and that to "fail" is to live a life not worthy of the calling. But, in order to understand what the calling is, we have to understand the truth. He did a great job mixing a tough subject of truth, failure, hurt, and love with just enough comedy to tie it all together, at one point he said "I am sorry if you have met a church that is not meek, that has failed (to show love and truth)... Please give us their name and number..."

Michael Ramsden then proceeded to explain that when we are talking about Christians, then we have to be open about failure, the idea is not to hide it, because everyone knows we have failed. The real question that many people struggle with is "I am a good person, but I'm questioning whether there is a good God." When the reality is, we are not good people. Then very comically he pointed out, if you believe you are absolutely perfect, then the only option for you to do is to get married. (which of course sent everyone roaring with laughter...) He then very seriously pointed out that the fear and the core of the problem is that we feel that there is a failure of character of God himself... And, that we do not want God to pass judgement on us, but then we automatically want judgement passed on injustices... We can't understand why God wouldn't leave us alone.. but that if God operated that way it would quickly come across as though either God was schizophrenic or He is at war with himself.

He ended with a few last thoughts... True love exists only in the presence of judgement, not in the absence of better judgement. God loves us unconditionally with complete and total judgement, not in the absence of better judgement. The idea is that if you have never known truth, you've never known love either. You cannot truly love someone without knowing the truth about them, pass a knowing judgement, and then choose to love them anyway.

His parting thoughts were this: Whenever justice is absent, the result is despair and hopelessness. And, Mercy is exercised through justice.

Then Ravi Zacharias spoke second. He told the story of how he became a Christian, and why he is an apologist. But, the thing that I appreciate about his approach to being an apologist was virtually summed up in this one statement,
"Always remember you're not just answering a question, you're answering an questioner."
With that statement, he moved on to logically walking through the validity of the bible and God himself. Here are a few of his talking points:
There is nothing in history that sees the personality of God like the contrast we see in the Bible.
We struggle with the sovereignty of God, and the responsibility of humanity.

When you are looking at Christianity, and what it means or entails, he had three main points. 1. It is a life of meaning, but not without tears. 2. It is a life of perfection that reaches out to the flawed. And 3. It is a life of hard physicality but a triumph of spirituality.

1. It is a life of meaning, but not without tears.
As humans, we talk often about moral law, but we try to forget evil and neglect the moral law giver. The problem with being human is our longing becomes agonizing because we always want to touch and feel. (Which is what caused the fall in the garden to begin with).

As Christians, we don't often emphasize the moment of encounter with God that causes us to believe in Jesus and His story. We try to downplay it in a way.

2. It is a life of perfection that reaches out to the flawed.
One of the biggest problems people have with Christians is the broken people come to our churches, they make a huge blunder in some fashion, and then we never let them forget it... (how terribly sad.. and totally true.) Ravi went on to explain that he is not advocating that we need an "all embrace" wrong and sin attitude, or that it doesn't matter, but that in our own lives we have to be hard and stringent, but with others we need the grace filled arms of God. There is no other worldview that does not lean on the works.. "My Grace is sufficient.." (2 Cor. 12:9)

Ravi went on to explain that as Christians we often adopt an "I don't agree, and refuse to support.." attitude, and then try to step out of someone's life to show how much we disapprove. But, that the reality is if we take our own voice out of the life of a broken person because we don't agree with them, we are leaving them exclusively with the contrary voices... (If that isn't a reality check, then I am not sure what is..)

3. It is a life of hard physicality but a triumph of spirituality.
From there he went on to explain that when people are faced with Christianity, the reality is no one truly hears the gospel until they are made uncomfortable by it..

The loneliest people are those who become tired of pleasure and are still left wanting... When the ultimate fulfillment comes from learning to love God in spirit and in truth.

Most of the questions asked about Christians (hypocrisy, authentic, truth, etc..) are really questions about God's moral character, and can he be trusted.

Lastly, according to Christ, no one killed him, he freely gave his life. Which would serve as a sign for us to know who He is, so we may know the certainty of who He is and what He offers.

After the Q&A part of the night (I did not put all the note from that section in this post) Ravi ended with these parting thoughts,
"We have to take the questions we are being asked seriously, and we cannot fail to see the person behind the question..."
"Take your faith seriously.."
"People are desperately seeking Christ, don't bring all the other baggage (humanity, Christianity, and sin)..."

The thing that I loved the most about listening to Ravi speak was the sheer level of work and understanding he puts into living his life for Christ. It was clear as people were asking questions that he was purposeful about answering the person just as much as the question. I was amazed.. and spent a lot of the time overwhelmed by the ability he has to naturally speak at any level, theology, facts, history, etc.. the amount of knowledge he has is impressive to say the least.. But, not once did it ever come out without humility and smothered in Christ's love and grace. What I appreciate throughout all of this is that I know on a personal level the man speaking, and he is not perfect, but I appreciate that about him as well.

I am sure I will post additional thoughts.. especially since this in not the entirety of my notes from this evening.

DC Peeps...

2011-10-22T21:52:00.001-04:00

My DC peeps ;)

Twilight Thoughts...

2011-10-20T15:06:00.000-04:00

Due to one of my friends pleading.. or basically telling me I will be accompanying her to see the next edition of the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn movie, and then me informing her that I have not read any of the books or seen any of the movies.. Two days later I had her entire series of books written by Stephenie Meyer to read... and about a month to complete the task of read them all.. Whoa! So, I am fairly certain I will post several more times on my thoughts about the story as I read through this series. But, in the last 3-4 days I have read about 3/4 of the first book, and I thought I would share my thoughts on this book so far.. and why I feel like it appeals to teenage girls.. young women.. and even older women so much, or not at all.

So, in case you have not read the books (no reason to feel guilty), the basic story plot (if you don't know), is Bella a 17 year old girl moves from Phoenix to Forks, WA to be with her Dad... She hates the small town and the gloomy weather, but true to any girl's dream she finds that virtually every boy in this town likes her.. but she is drawn to Edward.. (and later Jacob).. Turns out Edward is a Vampire that is part of a "family" that does not eat people because of moral reasons. Jacob is part of a Native American tribe that are actually werewolves.. (although so far, Jacob is unaware that he's a werewolf... and is not a major role in the book yet..)

Here are the things that I can easily see as appealing about the Twilight book and love story:
It is CLEARLY written by a woman, she understands the constant battle between emotions and logic (Bella knows it's a bad idea but is drawn to him anyway.. wants to touch him, but is afraid it'll make it more difficult for him.. worried for his safety.. etc.. etc..).
Meyers clearly understands the desire that girls/women have to be fought for, protected, cherished, and found more beautiful than any other girl... We love the feeling when get from those things, and in normal life (today.. or throughout history) girls/women do not feel that way much, often, or at all.
There is an appeal that this book has that makes the female reader desire to be cherished like Bella is cherished. It is a powerful thing.
I love how easy the book is to read, I am not sure if that was on purpose or a mere side effect of Meyer being a new writer.
I enjoy certain aspects of the descriptions.. like the vampires have changing eye color depending on their mood. (how cool would THAT be?!)

The things I find borderline obnoxious:
Bella's narrative is CONSTANTLY describing him as angel like, perfect, beautiful etc... (He stood there stone like with an angel like face... His perfect face... etc..etc..) the first introduction and getting to know Edward/Bella it was fine.. (especially since it's part of his "vampire charm"..) now that they are "together" the description is getting old.
I find their conversations amusing, but their physical contact distracting.. (I think it's awkward that he holds her so much... cradles her in a rocking chair.. etc.. etc..)
The initial, the idea of having a guy you love watch you sleep sounds romantic.. but really it is just awkward..
Vampire or not, no one can resist something indefinitely on "mind over matter," it is impossible (so him holding her while she sleeps is not even close to a good idea.. and really a rather stupid part of the story)

So, while the story itself is entertaining enough, and thankfully easy to read so I can fly through it rather quickly (thank you mom and dad for facilitating me to become a reader..). But, what I keep thinking about as I read this story is the appeal it has to teenage girls and their moms.. (It was all over the news) and I keep thinking about how all that really does is highlight how much women are starving for their God given roles to be a part of an adventure, loved fiercely, protected, found beautiful etc... and how many girls and women are drawn to this book/series because they are lacking in this area.

Which then brings me back to a thought, "Where have all the good men gone?" Not in an angry, frustrated, or condescending way, but in a serious, slightly sad, and honest question sorta way...

Turning 7...

2011-10-19T19:06:00.001-04:00

Today my little duder turns 7. I cannot believe how big he is getting!.. This is him reading a chapter of his favorite book to me.

I love skype and that it makes it possible to sing him happy birthday from 700 miles away.

Love this little man with all my heart!

Sola Scriptura...

2011-10-18T19:00:00.000-04:00

Last Sunday at church (I love my church), Mark Batterson talked about Sola Scriptura for our new series Sola. I loved the entire message, it had this feeling of being a foundation building, crack sealing, re-centering type message that really just built up with information that made sense and was thought provoking. I have been sifting through the information for a couple days now, letting my spirit dwell and let it linger.. Now, I think it is time to share some of my thoughts...

The verse we looked at was Psalm 119:1-8,
¹ Blessed are those whose ways are blameless,
   who walk according to the law of the LORD.
² Blessed are those who keep his statutes
   and seek him with all their heart—
³ they do no wrong
   but follow his ways.
⁴ You have laid down precepts
   that are to be fully obeyed.
⁵ Oh, that my ways were steadfast
   in obeying your decrees!
⁶ Then I would not be put to shame
   when I consider all your commands.
⁷ I will praise you with an upright heart
   as I learn your righteous laws.
⁸ I will obey your decrees;
   do not utterly forsake me.

The sermon went through the importance of the Bible to us as believers, but in a very unique way. So, highlighting some of the things, Mark Batterson pointed out that there were 40 writers over 1600 years, on 3 continents, and in 3 languages, and it is all equally inspired, but depending on our situation not all scripture is equally applicable.

He went through the thoughts that Scripture is useful and does not return void (Is. 55). The voice behind scripture is both all powerful and all knowing. It is an authority, and when I have a problem with something it says, regardless of how I feel, I am wrong. Which, let's be honest, that is a really hard concept to swallow...

Much to my amusement he pointed out that no one likes authority... but, today the dominant authority is "they" ... But, the problem is, WHO IS "THEY"?.. I dunno.. but they said so....

Sola Scriptura is the final authority, and whether we like it or not, the Bible interprets us to ourselves... Whoa. I have never thought about that before, but the more I read the Bible and dig in, the more I understand who I am, good, bad, ugly, and beautiful.

He also jokingly pointed out that we are really just "inspired dirt" lol love it!

Several other points worth mentioning.. When we first read the scripture, it is merely theory. Until we experience something that is applicable, then it becomes our reality. He also pointed out that often times we go to the Bible to correct it instead of letting it correct us.

He pointed out 3 things I am not sure I have ever thought about before.. The bible was not meant to merely be read through, it was meant to be prayed through, to be meditated through, to be done.

He thankfully pointed out that no one reads the Bible "too much" and none of us read even as much as we should, so the idea of this being a sermon to lay on the guilt is not even applicable here, it is merely to bring to light things we need to know, educate us, and help us to understand and grow.

He ended with this thought "You might be the only Bible some people read. How good of a translation are you?" ... Whoa.

The thing that I loved about this sermon is that it was a solid building up of the foundation of what I believe. There were parts that made me feel guilty, excited, solemn, confused, awestruck.. but mostly just completely grateful that I am able to understand and grow, and truly have a chance to let the scriptures rebuke me and grow me. How totally and utterly blessed am I.

Fried Bread...

2011-10-16T17:34:00.001-04:00

It is no secret in my family that my all time favorite food is beef stew with southern fried bread. Well.. I didn't make the stew today, but I definitely made the friend bread!.. I am fairly proud of making it all of my own haha ;)

You need a packet of Yeast, 2 cups of very warm water, 2 eggs, 4 Tablespoons of sugar, and enough flour to make it elastic/sticky... mix all of that together, let rise.. Then fry in a pot of oil. It is easiest to do it with a spoon to drop them in the oil, and a pair of tongs to get them out of the oil.

This is what it looks like before it rises.

After you fry, you get this!

I love. love. love. this bread haha :)

One of my friends came over and made no-bake cookies while I made the bread...
Then I taught some salsa in preparation for tonight.
It was a fantastic afternoon!

Spy Hair...

2011-10-15T13:25:00.001-04:00

New hair..
Pretty sure I could be a successful spy with how different I look with different hair!

Before I Die Part II...

2011-10-14T14:09:00.000-04:00

This is my ever changing and molding "Before I Die" list that has been slowly forming and growing in my head for years. I initially posted this almost two years ago, but thought I would updated. I have taken a lot of these ideas from family, friends, and other blogs... some I have come up with on my own.. a lot I just heard of and thought it would be awesome. The crossed off ones I have already accomplished, and this will hopefully be every growing, and getting more crossed off. They are in no particular order. Enjoy!

With any luck this list will continue to grow.. and continue to get crossed off!

New Ones...

2011-10-13T15:16:00.001-04:00

If you are unaware, I have been living in a house with four girls for the last year.. which means our 5 bedroom, 3 1/2 bath, megatron of a house is usually teeming with laundry (clean and dirty), dishes (also clean and dirty), almost constant good smells of food or candles... and, it is really difficult to say whether you are actually ever home alone or not. I am also pretty sure there has been at least one car parked in front of our house constantly all year, whether one of ours, a friends, or someone who needed a place to store a car while they travel.

Currently however, we have two roomies moving out at the end of the month, and are in the process of replacing them with two more... The three of us staying in the house have been talking a lot lately about what we want the next year to look like, how we want our house to stay the same or change.. and mostly just curious about how the next couple months will unfold adding two different people to the mix of the house.

One of the things that we realized is how incredibly blessed we have been this year. While there are frustrating days and issues that naturally come up when five girls live together, for the most part, we have been so lucky to have the issues be relatively minimal... Especially since, we typically talk through everything pretty quickly.. We have dealt with conflict in an adult manner that has proven and cultivated maturity and genuine care and love for one another (who knew that was possible having so many girls in once house!), instead of from a selfish standpoint that just leaves everyone frustrated. I am so thankful that we have chosen to live in a manner that makes sense.. meaning, we live in genuine community, sharing food when it makes sense, laughing, cooking, cleaning, etc.. all in a way that feels natural instead of fake or forced.

I truly hope these feelings do not change when the new ones move in at the end of the month!

Debts and Freedom...

2011-10-12T11:23:00.000-04:00

I found out last night after looking and crunching some numbers (sounds way cooler than simply doing some math), that I will be debt free.. except for my student loans (which are on hold thanks to being in school again) as of Friday (payday).

First thought: YES!

haha..

Second thought: How did that happen?!

Third thought: I will be able to save loads of money.. and head to Africa soon!..

I never really thought about the fact that to be "debt free".. really does feel and resonate as freedom. I mean, I know and totally understand that I am not *really* debt free because by the time I am done with this round of schooling, I will have in the vicinity of 60k in student loans... Which is just a little less than what my brother and sister in law paid for their house. But, the reality is, for that to be my only real debt, sans any major disaster... (hence the mass exodus of cash that will soon be entering my savings account) I am pumped about all the possibilities, and freedom I feel knowing my monthly bill payments have no automatic deciding factor attached to them. I mean, obviously there are bills such as rent, cell phone, gas, food, etc.. But, I also feel like those can be canceled and I *could* walk away from them if I needed to with relatively little consequence or cost.

So, what did the possibilities look like in my head?.. Well, first it looked like a trip to Africa, or Asia... or maybe finally to Spain!... Then, I decided I would save that money and see what happens not making any real plans for it yet... Then, I began thinking of the needs of certain people I love, and what would it look like to save a decent amount of money and "Merry Christmas, Jesus Loves you" them with it?... The excitement I would have getting to do that would be virtually indescribable!.. And, the need to keep it a secret would be like trying not to breathe! (I love surprising people)...

After I was done fantasizing about the possibilities, reality set in and I realized, I have no idea what is to come. Whether this means I have the ability to save my money by putting it into savings for a rainy day, putting a large first payment when it comes time to pay back my loans, or if later I find myself really compelled to send I love you money to various people, or whether that means I get to walk the streets of another country.. or simply save to prepare for life to dramatically change in the near(ish) future... Regardless of where I feel God leading my finances, the freedom that comes with knowing I am not attached to any certain pay grade in order to "make it" anymore is really a quite lovely feeling. A feeling of freedom.

I am pretty excited about the possibilities and for the chance to see what God does next.

Field Full of Dew...

2011-10-07T14:04:00.001-04:00

I was driving to work this morning and found myself somewhere between thrilled about the sun blasting my retinas and annoyed at the sheer blinding power of the light. I love the feeling the sunshine gives me, but I hate it early in the morning because I am pretty sure it takes me a couple hours to fully wake up. Plus, I also know in a couple months I will feel starved for sunlight, and more than likely make my way to my annual fake sun places to absorb some man made UV light.. This was the beginning of totally random fleeting thoughts during my morning commute which then mixed with sending a few encouraging text messages to friends and family (at stop lights due to the fact that DC driving and texting = instant party with Jesus). I realized the correlation between my thoughts and feelings towards the sun, friends, and the journey I have been on the last couple years.

Out of almost nowhere, I find myself content again. Totally satisfied with where God has me. I feel normal again, I laugh easily and often once more, thoughts of school or relationships no longer bring very negative visceral reactions, and while the sheer aggravation I experience at work most days is exactly the same, my attitude and perspective has changed. I am so thankful.

What is ironic is I remember telling someone near the end of the summer of '09 that life was just perfect, and I was almost afraid to utter those thoughts because I was fairly certain some rough waters were ahead. I had felt like it was the perfect calm before the storm... (boy was I right on the money with those feelings) You see, my storms tend to have waves of disaster associated with them. 2010 was full of a new mega disaster each month.. I handled it ok, and thankfully was completely surrounded by a support network of family and friends to get me through. The end of 2010 and 2011 so far has been like a slow boiling pressure cooker. I literally felt like I was going to explode like Mount Vesuvius...

I was working so hard to control how things were coming out that not enough stress or pressure was getting released to make any significant difference, and I began dreading the (what felt like ) inevitable explosion, and the poor soul(s) around who would have to take the brunt of that disaster. And, while the support network was there, it had dramatically changed, and no longer felt the same, which left me feeling very alone and protective of myself.

Then out of nowhere God intervened and caused (for no apparent reason) a stillness that was felt to my core, and suddenly I feel at peace once more.

(I did not take either of these pictures, they are linked to where they were found)

All this to paint a picture of what has changed...

All of these thoughts and pictures lead me to realize this morning that it is my turn to be the rallying support for my family and friends who are struggling. It is my turn to support, uphold, encourage, and pray knowing that God will come to their rescue. It is my turn to hold up the arms of my loved ones who are tired (As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. - Exodus 17:11-12).
I know it is not I myself that will change anything, it is not my job to solve their problems, and they will inevitably have to walk through this period just like I did. But, I also know that they will get through this time, just like I did...

In the end, they will feel the peace to their core like a bright sunshine filled morning in a field full of dew.

Blogs...

2011-10-05T10:27:00.001-04:00

More and more I find myself being drawn to blogs of friends, acquaintances, family, companies, etc.. I love blogs so much more than facebook and twitter. I mean, do not get me wrong, I love me some classic social media, but mostly I stick to facebook for the pictures and chatting.. not to mention the humorous comments my friends and I leave on each others walls and pictures.. but mostly I try and use facebook as a way to connect and remind friends they are loved, remembered, and cared for. However, unless there is a serious intentionality, it is easy to assume that with facebook "what you see is what you get" in someone's life. But, let's be honest, everyone posts the best, the highlights, etc.. of their life. It is not a true glimpse. Twitter is great for thought sharing, news sharing, and funny comments, so it definitely has a quality I enjoy.... But, blogs are an entity all their own. They have the ability to get a glimpse into the reality of someone's world. The struggles, views (sometimes literally with pictures, or figuratively with words), the joys, the processes of _____ (house building, adoptions, having twins, husbands deployed, etc..). I love learning more about people, getting a different perspective, and in reality getting to stay in touch better. Blogs help (me) know what to pray for in a friend's life.. or realize some difficult times have come their way, and allow me the chance to help (usually by getting an idea of something I could do to brighten their day).

Blogs are definitely my favorite social media... I mean look at the almost 500 blog pots I have (no I am no the highest, or most blogging person ever, but I am somewhat consistent in the just over last 3 years). I enjoy sharing my life with family, friends, and random passer-clickers... I enjoy the ability to be real, and be authentically imperfect in a way that facebook does not really allow to be highlighted. I enjoy showing my view of the world.

Blogs are definitely one of my favorite online activities.. So, please feel free to share favorite blogs, I will gladly add them to my list of must reads! :)

Shout Outs...

2011-10-04T11:05:00.000-04:00

So, I do not typically talk to particular readers.. I honestly blog as if the people reading my blog do not exist. However, I am fully aware of their presence, I just find I write better if I write as though this is just for me. I tend to write in a little abstract terms, referring to people in the neutral, and in a manner that unless you are well acquainted with my situations and friends there are very few details given to clue strangers into the lives of my friends. I do this in an attempt to protect the privacy of my friends and family and keep their stories theirs, while talking about my portion of the stories. I avoid writing while I am mad, and when I do write angry, I make a concerted effort to avoid naming, blaming or defaming someone.

Anyway, with all that said.. I wanted to point out some fun facts and say thank you!

Below are the number of my blog visitors since about the middle of 2009... Which means it is sans about 9 months of stats.. which really is not that much to be totally honest. However, I love the diversity in my readers. Some of my visitors I have no idea who they are, and probably even most of my readers... However, mostly, I wanted to show how neat the reach of my blog has gotten. There are some countries that I know who at least some of the readers are, and others I am totally clueless.

These are the top 10 visiting countries:

United States 5,005

Russia 133

Germany 117

South Korea 117

United Kingdom 62

Canada 58

China 58

France 58

India 32

Poland 31

I am very curious the thoughts and posts that keep people coming back to read more. I hope it is because they see something different in my writings, connect with feelings, find comfort in the authenticity... But, mostly I hope it is because they are finding hope and encouragement from Jesus through this blog. Thank you for coming and reading my blog.. This one is a rare pause to shout out to you all :)

Ingenuity...

2011-10-03T20:08:00.001-04:00

Breaking frozen raspberries! Haha

Saturday...

2011-10-01T19:34:00.000-04:00

So, today I pretty much made myself sleep in late.. Made a great baked omelet breakfast. Chatted with one of my roomies for a couple hours... and then, have spent the rest of the day looking like this while I am attempting to do homework...

Yup, sans makeup, in the glasses, uber comfy long sleeved shirt, under a blanket, and with my earbuds in. That is the majority of my saturday.

Once Again...

2011-09-30T15:58:00.000-04:00

I always have these random markers throughout the year, partially because of a season or holiday (Christmas and New Years always require a solid look back), but then some of the time it is just because something memorable took place this day, week, month or period last year. Then, as I look back I sorta begin to glance over (mentally) the time that has passed since then, and the things I have done, gone, been through, and survived.

So, today I am looking back for a few reasons.. One, because two years ago today I met a guy who has since become such a solid friend, and it is his birthday! When we met I was completely amused by his antics and perspective on pretty much everything.. mostly due to the way he expressed his thoughts. I have since watched him become such an amazing and faithful friend, who of course still brings a hysterical perspective into my life (even from the other side of the world). I know I can always count on him to give it to me straight, and in a classic guy way, which always amuses me. So, happy birthday my dear friend, I am thankful to our savior all the time for your friendship, and I pray for you often.

This time period last year I was mid my first grad class, looking for a new job, interviewed for a job in DC, and in about a week or so I would have gotten offered a new job which sent me spiraling into mass amounts of packing, hanging out, and moving everything I knew and loved somewhere else... I was not happy, not excited, and not really sure how I felt about this new adventure.

I moved, and restarted my life.. and have somehow managed to survive the last year. Which is a mixture of joy that it has been a year, and serious sorrow that I have that perspective about the last year of my life. However, at the same time I have an overwhelming sense of peace about what I have just walked through. I never once doubted God had me exactly where He wanted me, I just also did not like the journey. Now I find that I have (praise the Lord) found my contentment again, which sadly has been missing for a very long time. For some reason there was just too much going on for me to stop and breathe, instead I just kept going forward knowing I needed to move or I would drown. So, that is exactly what I did, I filled my life and time... literally every moment. I never found time to refresh, never stayed still long enough to realize how much I was allowing myself to shrivel up and die on the inside. Ironically, I never stopped praying about others, but I virtually completely stopped praying for myself, except that is to complain about how much I did not like what was going on in my life.

No wonder I was lacking contentment.

A few weeks ago I felt like my fog was beginning to lift, like the fog was slowly getting burned away by the sun, and little by little I would be able to breathe and sigh with contentment again. It was not like a flip of a switch, it was no large emotional change, and it was not even with an understanding of what was happening. I just knew that something was slowly shifting, the tide was turning, the fog was burning away, and soon enough I would be left with perfect sight into what had just happened, and a greater love and appreciation to my Savior for faithfully walking me through it all. It was then that I began asking for a reboot/reset button, I had no idea what it was or even how to look for it, but I knew I needed something way down deep in my core to be switched that would let the years worth of pressure go.. in a peaceful not atomic bomb kinda way.

I still have no idea what is coming next, or really how to plan (can that ever really happen) for it, but, I do know that I no longer feel like I am constantly on the edge of exploding. I am really thankful for this...

So, while nothing really externally has changed, the tides are shifting, and I know that God is getting ready once again for change. Thankfully I am totally content with wherever (please don't make me pack my stuff up and move again!) it takes me........ (yes, even if I have to move again.)

Several of the things I am at peace with currently:
The direction my job is (or likely is not) heading... which subsequently means there are changes coming again soon... But, I know that God will clue me in as always exactly when I need to move.
The state of (or really lack there of) my relationship status. Thankfully I no longer feel an overwhelming sense of panic at the thought of trying to fit someone in my life that would require a lot of time I didn't feel I had.
The living situation, lots of changes are coming in the next month, and stresses are getting resolved.. and thankfully (somehow) I have no bad feelings about any of it... but I will be glad to close that chapter of my life.
The very core of my heart and soul feel rested, peaceful, and content.. something that has not happened in a very long time. I am so thankful to know that while so many crazy things are still happening around me, that God is blessing me (not even kidding) with inner peace.

This last year added the the previous year of crap.. to create a solid two years of crapfest... But, I also am confident that God has used them to burn away the chaff, and to make me new ("...and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind..." Ephesians 4:23).

Today, for however long it lasts (hopefully a while) I am new once again, content once again, peace-filled once again, and hopeful once again.

Lighthearted Moments...

2011-09-29T17:01:00.000-04:00

I am sure the last few posts have given away how much better my demeanor is, and how much less stressed I am now. I am so thankful for the 4 or so days that I escaped normal life and headed to Cali for some much needed beach time, and quality time with my beautiful cousin!

So, while I did a few posts and comments over the time away, I thought I would highlight some of my favorite moments throughout the course of the few days.

Shortly after arriving my cousin informed me that she was going to make me hit on and flirt with all the guys... Which lead to so many fits of giggles as she would not so subtly hint that she thought this guy or that guy was appropriate or attractive. The look on her face as she would hint would send us both into fits of laughter.

Every night we snuggled on the couch and watched a movie with some sort of desert or refreshment. To highlight our uniqueness, the first night was none other than Step up 3... But, but then we watched Unknown, and on the last night The Eagle.. all great movies!... But totally different haha

We walked the pier a couple times and ran it once.. Two of those times were at night, and included us standing mesmerized at the end of the pier by the bio luminescent plankton and the flickering jellyfish. It was truly amazing.

We walked.. and walked.. and walk.. everywhere! A couple miles on the beach (thank you sun for kissing my skin!), up and down the hills to and from her little beach flat to dinner, pedicures, tea, frozen yogurt, farmers market, breakfast etc..

We laid in the sand and soaked up the sunshine.. played and were overcome by waves and freezing cold salt water. We attempted body boarding... which we claimed to have dominated.. but really the waves dominated us. But, we laughed and made fun of each other the whole time.. and my ankle incurred but survived an attack from the rocks and sand.

We made DELICIOUS food... and when we did not feel like cooking ate out at some pretty spectacular places.

We got pedicures, and I picked the brightest pink (yes I said PINK!) color I could find.. it just embodied the feelings of Cali I had. Then we got ice teas with "texture" meaning some sort of flavored gelatin (sounds weird, but was really good).

We took paddle boarding lessons, and laid on the paddle boards in the middle of the basin laughing and talking about random memories from holidays, summers, family, and just normal childhood things we remember.

We stopped by the cliff/place my cousin got married and took a few anniversary shots to commemorate her anniversary since her husband is currently on the other side of the world... We talked about their wedding and the first couple weeks of their marriage.

We joked, danced... well really we made up a ridiculous funny-crazy-dance that really was just us bouncing our arms, shaking our bodies, and convulsing our legs.... But it made us laugh hysterically every time.

But mostly.. we just talked and enjoyed each others company over cups of coffee in the morning or while laying on the beach in silence listening to the rhythm of the waves. I adore being adults together, supporting each other, laughing together, talking through thoughts about life, God, and family. I love that she is my cousin, and that from opposite sides of the country (literally) and four years separating us that we are still so close.

These moments are when I am refreshed and reminded that I am special, I am loved, and I am seen by my God who knows when I am about to have a meltdown. God is so faithful.

3 Years Ago..

2011-09-27T21:28:00.002-04:00

My beautiful cousin and I went to where she got married in La Jolla, CA. Since he is currently deployed but coming home in a few weeks, we took a few anniversary shots. She is so stunning to me!

Happy anniversary my dear cousin!

Paddle Boarding...

2011-09-27T15:53:00.001-04:00

After our lesson heading out to the basin. It was awesome, weird getting used to the balance.. But way cool. Definitely doing this again!

Cali Beach..

2011-09-26T15:48:00.001-04:00

So incredibly blessed.

Cali...

2011-09-25T15:47:00.001-04:00

Rach and I on the pier.

Contingency Plans...

2011-09-21T13:24:00.000-04:00

Last night I found myself engaged in a conversation that boiled down to the illusion of marriage. It all started because a guy I had literally just met a few minutes prior barged in, sat down, introduced himself to the people he did not know in the room, and joined in the tail end of a birthday party for my friend. A couple minutes into general conversation he asked a couple girls and I since we are "modern, cosmopolitan women..." would we agree to a prenuptial agreement before marriage. Somewhat surprising to myself, all of us instantly said some form of "no way." Which, slightly to my enjoyment seemed to baffle the guy, but instantly catapult us into a fairly aggravating conversation about marriage, the business and economical impact of marriage, the disillusionment and romanticism of marriage, and sadly what were clearly his understanding of marriage... Which was even more disheartening due to the fact that he was sitting on the couch of his fiance, who feigned a lack of interest and began cleaning up after the part.

Throughout the entire conversation he insisted that marriage was just a different form of a business, that it was the smartest decision someone could make economically, and therefore a prenuptial agreement was the most logical and common sense steps on the way to marriage. Because, after-all, what if years down the road life takes a dramatic turn and both parties realize it is no longer working, it only makes sense to have that set up.

And, while I understand his points, I get the "wise" thought process included in his train of thought, I also believe it is pure and simple a contingency plan in case things do not go the way they are supposed to. I understand, and get the pains of divorce while doing my best to support my friends who have experienced it, I know that life rarely turns out the way we plan it, and I am no stranger to people suddenly being different and deciding they know longer want you... My view of a prenuptial agreement is not based on a disillusionment about marriage, and is not based on the romanticism of what love is like. My view of a prenuptial agreement is that it already provides a crack that can be later used to decide to walk away, it allows the idea of "just in case this doesn't work out, I will still be financially stable.." thought process to be firmly planted in the back of our minds. It creates a false sense of security, and sets the stage for money to be a focus of the marriage.

If one day I get married, my husband turns out to be a complete jerk, and eventually walks out on me, either fairly quickly into the marriage, or after years upon years of marriage, family, and children. I am well aware of the risk I would be taken, I have watched it happen to numerous people around me. I have watched as loved ones were abused, cheated on, and walked out on... I purposefully choose to take my hands off the control involved in marriage, that is God's job, I am not foolishly walking into this blinded, especially since as it stands currently there is no romance, love or plans of marriage, so I can confidently say nothing is clouding my perspective.

Then, like now, as in the past, God is going to be in control. I have no need for a contingency plan, my faith and belief is that my God will work it all out to glorify himself, and regardless of whether I get my fairytale or I end up in what feels like a cruel version of punk'd, I will trust that God is still God, and I am not. I knowingly am choosing to walk into the potentially hazardous waters without the false sense of security a prenuptial agreement would offer.

Prayers...

2011-09-19T23:47:00.003-04:00

One of my very dear friends found out this weekend that something was terribly wrong with her dad, he was taken to the emergency room, and seemed to deteriorate rapidly, with seemingly no reason... So much so that they began calling family to come because they had no idea what to expect moment to moment.

So, we began praying for healing, guidance and wisdom for the doctors; but mostly we prayed that God would find Him and he would become saved before his time here was over.

Shortly after I began texting family and friends asking for prayers we found out he likely has viral meningitis, which is not comforting, except for the fact that it is treatable. Highly contagious, but treatable. They began the long battery of tests, most of which have not come back yet, and in the meantime began the meds.

So we have commenced the waiting game..

I went to visit them at the hospital tonight after work since it was only in Baltimore. He is better from yesterday they said, but he is still so shockingly ill that it took me a few minutes to realize that the symptoms I was seeing were actually due to nerve issues and not because of seizures or anything of the like.. The good signs were that he was restless, and while he had very little control of his limbs, breathing and talking were difficult, he was trying to move, get out of bed, re-adjust etc.. almost constantly... All good things. But, he is not better yet, and he definitely has a ways to go.

My biggest prayers are still for his salvation in Christ Jesus. My God is bigger than this, of this I am sure.

To-Dos...

2011-09-17T13:44:00.001-04:00

Today's to-do list is brought to you by too much summer travel...

The usual laundry is on the to-do list, but included in that is bedding since I realized I am not real sure the last time I washed my bedding.. Which normally would be gross.. except I have on average not slept in my bed 2-4 nights every week for almost 6 weeks... Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better over my lapse of memory haha...

Homework, work conference call, and all the typicals that I somehow never manage to get done throughout the week are must to-dos today. With any luck I will be able to give myself a pedi, get a good amount of my homework and laundry complete.. and still have time to hang out with a couple friends.

ps. I made homemade pancakes with berries this morning, along with Guatemalan coffee.. Feeling quite accomplished!

New Experiences..

2011-09-16T13:48:00.000-04:00

My roomie, and a couple of her co-workers came out salsa dancing with a couple of my friends and I. I am so proud of her for stepping out to try something new that she is not naturally comfortable with, and especially for not just trying it, but keeping an open mind.. and finding out she could have fun AND feel graceful.

Successful night for sure :)

Flower Coated Week..

2011-09-15T12:27:00.001-04:00

What my friend sent via my roomie to help brighten my week. I honestly don't know what I would do without her!.. Flowers make everything better!

Phone Conversations...

2011-09-14T12:11:00.000-04:00

Last night a good friend of mine left me a voicemail that rambled on and on giving me quick updates, a schedule for the remainder of the week, and a hidden "call me asap" in their voice... So, once I had a moment I called, and could not help but smile as we began our marathon conversation... You see, our conversations are never short because both of us value getting the entire story and talking through what God is doing in our lives, there's never any candy coating going on, and there is always honesty and humor included in everything we talk about.

It never ceases to amaze me how God just knows when to send certain people into or back into your life...

I spent roughly two hours talking with my friend and near the end of our conversation I was asked if it was ok for them to pray for me.. Which makes me laugh because I am pretty sure we pray every time we are done talking. But, this friend has long, authentic, all encompassing prayers that touch my soul in very profound ways. Thankfully the conversation ended with laughter (although it was throughout it too) and a discussion about dates that would work for a visit.

I am so thankful for my friends, and their support in my life. They make life better every day.

My Year in Hair...

2011-09-12T20:20:00.000-04:00

This is the last year or so of my hair... I cut my hair a year ago, and have had to salvage my haircut with 5 additional cuts since then.. It's been fun haha :)

Ten Years Ago...

2011-09-11T19:47:00.000-04:00

Ten years ago today I was a Junior in high school, sitting in my 2nd period art class when my teacher who always had the radio or some sort of music on announce "Oh my God, a plane just hit the world trade center!" I was shocked, but not really aware of what it meant, because really the only thing that came to mind was that it was a terrible accident. The idea of a terrorist attack did not even cross my mind.

I left the class soon after, entered my 3rd period English 3 Honors class, and discovered that it was a bigger deal than everyone initially thought.. So, we did what any normal teenage would do.. we begged and pleaded our teacher to let us go to the only classroom we knew had a tv, and watch the news. By the time we got there the second plane had hit, and there were easily 100 kids and teachers crammed into the classroom. I sat on the floor only a couple feet from the entirely too small for all of us tv, and watch the first... I was horrified when the news showed people jumping... I could not fathom fear enough that would motivate me to jump out of a building hundreds of stories to the ground. Then the second building collapse.

I remember just being in a state of shock because we knew it was on purpose now.

I have never been overly emotional, and I remember classmates and teachers crying, but for some reason, I did not. I was scared for our country, and the unknown... How many planes did they have?... Where are they heading next?.. Are any of us safe?.. Especially as the news unfolded and there were two more plane crashes. The Pentagon (which weirdly is the city I live in now), and a field in Pennsylvania.

Yet, all at the same time, I operated under a confidence knowing that even if I was not going to be "ok".. I was safe because my God still had it and was still under control.

The rest of the day was really a blur. I remember my 6th period Biology teacher giving us some time at the beginning of class to talk about what we were thinking, feeling, and allowed us to ask questions.. Not that she had any answers, but it was certainly a lot better than being told we had to pretend none of it mattered or worse that it didn't actually happen and our lives were not going to be different.

As soon as my dad picked me up that day (like every other day) I remember blurting out "DID YOU HEAR?!.. The World Trade Centers were hit by planes today!" He of course had heard.. and we talked about it the whole way home.. and I remember turning the HUGE tv (5 foot ginormous box of a tv we had) on and standing just a couple feet from it and watching the replays of the buildings collapse over and over... I remember just letting it sink in that this was incredible evil, and I tried envisioning the emotions every person on those planes, and in those buildings would have felt. The confusion, fear, chaos... all of it.

I remember it just being overwhelming, and that for the next several weeks I was consumed with the rescue and recovery of the people in the buildings and at the Pentagon.

So, as cliche as it sounds.. 10 years later, our lives are still moving forward.. but everyone is right, I will never be the same either. 9/11 is always a moment in time that I remember how small and fragile we all are, how evil the devil is, and how glorious my God is.